O/T Anyone want my mum?

For some reason people think that 'tough love' will magically make people with weight issues spring into action............... really.... if it was that easy to loose weight all of us affected would have magically lost any extra pounds after the 1st comment.

From my experience those kind of comments make me head straight into the arms of Ben and Jerry!!

You are either going to have to rise above it and try and ignore her (easier said than done) or sit down and tell her to pack it in!

For the time being enjoy all the cuddles from you OH and here's and understanding one from me!! ?

Thanks amee. Luckily it has the opposite effect on me and I tend to spend a day or two feeling too sick to eat. She's always been the same.. Guess I just want something I'm never gonna get in hoping she'll stop... Appreciate the hug ?

Morning! Sorry I wasnt on last night to cheer you up! ?

That sounds totally pants! And from the sounds of it your doing really well with the weight loss! Maybe she thinks the constant digs have 'helped' and thats why she keeps doing it. Have you tried speaking to her about it or does that just turn into an argument?

I cant beleive that as she is much larger than you she has the cheek to be so rude. A bit childish but if she wont talk about it or cant see how upsetting it is then maybe a bit of tit for tat is in order to make her realise, does she wear shapewear?

Whatever she says your doing really well with the weight loss! Keep your chin up.

Aww Jem poor you ?

Hope your feeling a wee bit better this morning. It sounds very uneccessary on your mums part, do you think perhaps she is jealous of your size? I'm sure anyone at a 20-22 would kill to be a 12.

I really have no advice to be honest, as you know I am on a diet at the moment and I asked my mum for pics of me from last year at my cousins wedding just for a comparison and also cos I have no before diet pics (try my hardest not to be in any) anyway upon asking for them and explaining why my mum felt the need to say "yeah you were really wide when I think back" gee mum was I, why thanks for that!

Moral of the story is I think for some reason (some) mothers seem to think it's ok to say exactly what they think!

Just try and rise above it is my best advice.

x

Ah Jem poor you - dont really know what to say except that it sounds like she's being really mean and your not even big at all. Size, colour shape ahs nothing to do with true love or how nice a person is. The trued niceness of people is not something that can be measured by a tape measure.

Its sad that your mum doesnt appreciate that.

Big hugs

Ah yes. my mothers long lost cousin.....

tell her that the bridesmaids will get ready at YOURS!!!! I only asked my young neices to get ready at mums to make sure mum turned up.

You really really need to tell your mum how horribly hurtful she is being. Many years ago mum and I were arguing over the size of a bathroom tile and she came out with her classic line of 'ARE YOU STUPID!!????' with that incredulous tone of hers and I screamed in her face. I told her how horrble it was to hear my own mother say that, how i felt like I didnt deserve my degree that I had just recieved and I sobbed and sobbed. She laughed and said it was only phrase, and that she didnt mean it but believe me she has NEVER said it again.

I kept mum out of all my plans, as you know, and her way to get through to me was to throw money at me (which I was very grateful for!) but it saddened me that she felt she had to do that in order to be involved. If she had just been interested and a good listener in the first place..... I also recieved the fat comments. She wanted to make sleeves for my dress in a light fabric, to cover my arms but I said it wouldnt be fitting for the theme and she eventually slagged off my look for not looking very 40s, amazing but not 40s, pffftttttt.

Jen, stand up to her. Tell her that telling your own daughter shes fat is atrocious (and they do it coz they are our mothers and its best coming from them etc etc etc) but thers no need to harp on and on and on about it, it just gets nastier! and tell her that your bms are YOUR ATTENDANTS and not hers so they can get ready at your place........

if it means she dont talk to you for a while then so be it. Mum and I have had a few barneys and we rarely talk as much as we used to but the quality of conversation is actually a wee bit better as we have more to say..lol.....

i dont know what else to suggest, I KNOW its difficult believe me and if I could, id be on the next train to scream at your mother on your behalf!

Jem - big huge massive hugs from me to you.

I'm so sorry about what your Mum is saying to you. It does sound like she is pushing her own insecurities onto you. You have done SO SO WELL with your weight loss so far! HUGE achievement! I've always battled with my weight - bullied from the age of 8 to present day so know exactly how you feel. You are going to look beautiful on your wedding day no matter what size you are. Your OH is marrying you because of WHO you are!

I'd speak to her/ write her a letter saying how hurtful her comments are. Like I said before, it sounds like she is very insecure herself and that is why she is being horrid to you.

I've consoled myself that all the people who have made comments about my "sturdyness" are merely very sad people who are unhappy with some aspect of their life.

Trust me - I've had it all insults imaginable hurled at me but having something said by your own family must hurt so much.

If you need a shoulder - we're all here missus. Just remember - you are getting married to someone who loves you very much, you are bootiful with big bangers (not that I'm jealous) and you have all us loonies on here to support you! x

Oh babe you poor thing, at a time like this you want to have your mum around and get excited about your big day together, i thought my mum was bad with her little 'digs' every now and then but i think its got to the stage now where she knows NOT to push me, and when she does start off on one i either ignore what she has said or promptly change the subject, easier said than done for you though due to what seems like constant personal attacks, do you feel able to talk to your mum and say how her comments are upsetting you and have a heart to heart about it?

As for your size, well a 12 is not huge by any means so although you are feeling pretty low about it at the mo honestly hun you have done so well, and on your day it WILL show, please dont be sad and im sure you will manage to reach your goal in time, just try to stay focussed and not be distracted by insensetive comments.

x x x

Thank you all so much (*bursts into tears again at how nice everyone is*)

If I try and say anything to her she just tells me that I need to develop a sense of humour cos she doesn't want to feel like she's walking on eggshells everytime we speak. But I know from her tone when she's joking and when she's not and unfortunately tit for tat doesn't work, she doesn't seem to care what she looks like most of the time (just to give you an idea she's planning on wearing trousers and a TSHIRT to the wedding!!)

Moya, she's never worn shapewear although I am tempted tojoin her on the childish stakes and buy her some for Christmas!!!

Karen I wish she could see that but she thinks I'm horrible anyway due to the fact that I tell her if I don't agree with her, the rest of the family just say she's right about everything just for a quiet life.

Nona do you think we should lock them in a room together until they decide they're going to be nice to us??lol THe BMs may be my attendants but she picked 2 of them and has told me that I have to go out of my way to make sure that they feel special, they are ther to look lovely as they walk down the aisle. Apparantly I will feel special cos it's my wedding and I can sort myself out so I have to make sure that they have a good time!!!! My mum has offered me money but it hasn't ever materialised. It was part of the deal with the bms, I'd let her have her way providing she paid for their dresses as it was 2 extra to what I wanted. Dresses bought, she doesn't like them, still waiting for the money! I tried speaking to my dad but as he has to live with her he won't say a word...I know you're mum is almost identical to mine and I really appreciate your support and advice! ?

Spangles, sorry to hear that you've been bullied over the issue too. Oh, and trust me big bangers is not a gift!!lol

Thank you everybody again, I really appreciate all your comments and thanks for letting me vent.

Sorry to hear about the problems with your mum and I felt the need to say that size 12 is not big at all. Im 16-18 and hoping to get to a 14 for my wedding. Speaking from experience I think that once you have been on the larger side no matter how much weight you lose it only takes one nasty comment to knock your self esteem make you feel huge. Your mum should be proud of you and not critical.

One tactic you could try is to be super nice and agree with everything she says (even though you dont mean it). So when she asks if you're going on a strict diet for your wedding dress just smile sweetly and say 'of course I am, I wouldn't want to look tubby!!!' It seems as though she wants to knock your confidence so if it seems like she not getting to you she may stop. Its worth a try!

Oh and slap her with an itemised bill for everything shes said she'll pay for so she knows you haven't forgot about her offer. Don't you just love parents!

Kate

Vent away hun, thats what we are here for!

As for locking them in a room together untill they decide to be nice i think its a fab idea, the only thing being they may swap tips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!

Cant believe your mum did the BM thing too, i was only going to have the two little ones but mum 'suggested' that i should have my sister, i wasnt too keen on the idea at first but then felt i could use it to my advantage as my sister is 23 and the little BM's are going to be 2 and 3 at the time, so maybe having my sis to keep them in order wont be such a bad idea!!

Keep smiling hun x x

Thanks both. Kate, she knows I've been on a diet and she knows why the wight went back on in the first place. She keeps suggesting that I could go out walking so that I can lose the weight but she knows I'm having intensive physio because I CAN'T walk very far.

Lorna I wish I could say the same about my BMs but I had chosen to have my sister who will be 16 and sil2b who is 30 and OHs neice who will be 7 as a fg. She has decided that I have to have my cousins who I only see on their birthdays and at Christmas and never speak to otherwise and who will be 17 and 15. They have already said they aren't interested in the wedding, they just want to be BMs!! Never thought about them swapping tips....back to the drawing board on that plan then!!

Feeling a bit better now, thank you all ?

Didnt want to R&R..theres a few of us on here with mothers who just dont act like mothers should...so please feel free to come and rant, get things off your chest whenever you need too.

Chin up , and dont let your mum batter your confidence down...she really doesnt count, your OH does and he loves you for you xxx

Thanks CG, my OH keeps telling me the same thing!!lol It's hard not to listen to her tho...

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a crap time with your mum. I've had a few issues with my mum over wedding issues (not as harsh as yours) but I'm determined to ignore them & have the wedding I want. If you wish to lose more weight its your call, don't try & do it for anyone else. Just don't let her bring you down, as an outsider it sounds a bit jealousy on her part if you've lost so much weight.

Planning & experiencing your wedding should be about you & your partners happiness, try & focus on that.

Hope things start to go a bit smoother for you ?

Thanks blackkat, we are determined to have the day we want but that's causing so many rows, he's cancelled it once! I know that's not going to happen again but I do worry what she will be like on the actual day, especially as she's being worse than ever now!

I think my mum & sisters want a lot of things their way but I don't live near them & don't ask for their opinion on things. I just say whats gonna happen or just not tell them. My venue charges £1 per head to offer an option on food at the wedding breakfast so we're going with a set meal that we choose (& not gonna tell anyone when we have chosen) & my mum said she'd pay her £1 so she could have an option!!!! How ridiculus.

I hope my mum will be ok on the day & if she's funny with me I'll steer clear of her & deligate someone else to keep negative opinions to herself.

I hope your mum behaves herself, she'll regret it if she doesn't.

Take care x

Hey chick,

Just gone back and read through this - hopefully by now you are feeling a bit better about things...

I agree with everyone who has said its insecurity on her part..... i really hope she realises in time what she is doing and stops!!

Maybe write her a letter (as someone suggested), pour your heart out - that way she cant just brush off your comments and it saves you getting into a shouting match with her...

Anyways, big hugs to you, hope i haven't dragged up all the bad feelings again - just wanted you to know that you have support on here!

XXXXXX

Aww Louise, thank you! You haven't dragged them up again, don't worry! OH has been so good to me this weekend and everytime she called he told her I was out or in the loo just to give me a bit of space! She calls most days and we rarely make it through a conversation these days without either a dig or a full scale row so I've been glad of the break, and of course all the support from you hitchers! I am feeling much better now...

Ahhh sorry ive only just read your thread - you can have my mom she hasnt spoken to me in about 6 months so at least she wont give you ear ache!! as for the diet as a larger lady myself I would kill to be a size 12 so I would buy her some shape wear cheeky moo!!! My dad does similar tho always goes on and on about my weight totally forgetting about my hip operations and steriods ive been on he says he does it coz hes concerned about my health - i just tell him the more he goes on about it the more I stick to fingers up at him and do what I want!!! (thought Id share my experiences so you know youe not alone!!) You WILL look AMAZING im sure on your wedding day so I hope your mom doesnt bum you out 2 much

Big hug and hitched vibes ?

Firstly ?

Secondly permission to slap and yell at your mother on your behalf! (or to be there when you do it for moral support and to say woop woop after!)

Finally, permission to send your mother a selection of fat related things such as weight watchers leaflets and diet pills. (If you can't get mad get even!)

Thanks both!

Mrs spink, you can have permission for all those things! loving the suggestion about sending her a few packages!! lol That's really cheered me up!

Mrs Lowndes, sorry to hear you have a similar problem, I keep telling my mum if I could do it I would but her response is I'm lazy even though she knows all the problems I've had and she knows it's only really starting to get better now. At least you don't get your ear bashed by yours but if your dad is doing it it's not any better. ?

Sorry jem - don't know how I missed this post. Just wanted to give you some support.

You've done so well with your weight loss and can't believe your mum would be anything other than supportive to you about that.

I don't have any experience of this type of thing myself as my mum is great with stuff but some of the other girls have and have given great advice and comments.

Stick with it and try and keep your chin up!!!

She sounds delightful!

On the BM thing, I would not be having any BMs I didn't want tbh. Can you return the dresses? I personally wouldn't be having someone I didn't see and who didn't care about the wedding just because someone else thought I ought to! I am having daughter (who will be 2) our neice (who will be 11) and as pageboy our nephew (who will be nearly 2). I decided not to have all our sisters as that would have made another 4 bms! They all totally understand that.

As for the rest of it, if she's still so big do you think she's actually jealous of your weight loss? And projecting her own insecurities onto you? It's still awful of her to be so horrible to you but I'm just trying to think of a reason for it IYSWIM.

? for you though, you've already put up with waaaaaaay more than I would have done!

Nikki

xx

Send me the address and i'd do it with honour! lol!

Thanks Gillsy, she's never been supportive about anything I've ever done tbh, from my choice of GCSEs to this so I can't expect her to change now can I..but I do want to be excited about the wedding, not dreading it!!

Nikki, she had told them they could be BMs before I'd even thought about who I was going to have! When I argued the toss she told her sister (their mum) this was the reason we cancelled the wedding, when in fact it was her being negative about everything!! So I'm not going to win on that one but I am going to need someone to come with me to my dress fittings and then lace me into the dress on the day and I just can't see this happening atm... I don't think she is jealous, although she's got bigger over the last few years she's picked on me for my weight since I was 14 and she was only a size 16 at the time and insisted on telling me she was a size 6-8 until she had my brother so she didn't know why I was fat....I just wish she wasn't still doing it especially when I'm trying so hard!

Mrs Spink, I'm wondering whether she's worth wasting the money on!!!lol

You hitchers have all been so great and so supportive, thank you so much ?