OT: Frustrated and sad (bit ranty, sorry)

Hi Melancholie,

Didn't want to read and run. I have a similar thing with facebook at the moment, but from the other side IYSWIM, and it's doing my head in too so I though I'd offer some sympathy.

Anyway I hope that it gets sorted out.

SS x

Ooooh Mel. I can see why it is frustrating that she has suddenly changed her mind like that....

But to be honest, I can completely see why your friend has done what she's done...and maybe it's because i've just done the very same thing. Sometimes is easy to get along with your own thing if you're not exposed to anything that may affect that. She's obviously happy with her current life but some memories are very difficult to get rid of and to ignore if you are exposed to them on a daily basis. She was obviously very hurt when it all happened and that brings back painful memories. I know that you were friends, but in her eyes, she needs to get on without having to deal with those memories every day and unfortunately you're stuck in the middle but i'm pretty sure she's not doing it to make you mad or upset you or anything like that. I think she's just trying to protect herself and what she currently has.

I met my ex at my previous work. When we broke up everyone came to my rescue and offered me their help and support, which I was grateful for. However, as the days went by, people started telling me about all these rumours that my ex had been cheating on me with someone from the work where we both met (I didn't know her but she knew me and all my work friends) and I listened. When I found out it was true, I had to make a decision whether to continue to hurt even more but surrounding myself with people who would see them every day and who knew both of us, or make a clean break and avoid having to potentially hear about my ex and his new bit on the side on a daily basis. Even though I asked these so called friends to stop it, the continued to do so to the point where people I hadn't seen in years were texting me and giving me their 2 pennies worth...I guess that's a bit like the news feed on facebook.

Sorry for the really long ranty post...my point is, I chose to make a clean break and not expose myself to more bad memories and painful encounters and I sent a very similar email to those friends. Some of them I'll miss, others I won't. But I felt that it was the only way I could move on. She's not holding a grudge, there are just some parts of our lives that we don't necessarily want to revisit if we can help it. I'm sure it was a very hard decision to do that...she's just looking after herself...and i know it hurts to lose a friends, but she's not doing it maliciously.

xxxx

It`s a shame she has to do that, but i can kind of understand-I am bored at work so started looking through an old college friend`s friends on FB when I came across ex best friend who got pregnant by my ex boyfriend (major coincidence as I just wrote about this on another post). It really shocked me to see her picture, and the fact that these 2 are `friends` when it was friend number 1 who helped me through it in the first place. I suppose what I`m trying to say is, its still raw even after 14 years and it`s not nice to be reminded of horrible things that have happened to you constantly, when youre getting on with a new life.

Thanks for the replies.

I do understand why she's done it. I'm suppose I'm a bit worried about her decision from the point of view of her own mental state, iyswim. It affected her so badly at the time and it worries me that seeing he's commented on one of my photos, for example, is still painful for her. I'm also a bit surprised that she's not said anything for the last 18 months of being my friend on facebook. M and J were both my friends on there before she contacted me.

The thing that's upset me is that she hasn't contacted me since that e-mail, even though I've contacted her a couple of times. I'm worried that, despite what she said in the e-mail about it not being about me, I'm going to lose her again. And I'm concerned that the bit about everyone being friends making it seem like nothing happened. Can't help feeling that she's trying to make me feel guilty for being friends with them, and I would resent that if that was what she was implying.

I think she'll be ok. The way I see it, she's just trying to take control of her life and point it in the right direction, or at least, in the direction she wants it to go. Maybe she's been trying to come to terms with it for the last 18 months and it's now got too much. Either way and imo, she must be of sound mind to make such a tough decision and follow it through. It's probably because she doesn't want to go down the same route as all those years ago, that she has done this.

I guess she just needs time and space. All you can do is let her know that you'll always be there for her (if you want to be) and give her what she needs.

I just think that bit means that everyone being FB friends and commenting on photos and stuff makes her feel like nothing ever happened and no one ever hurt her. She probably feels like that pain was worth more than just being able to forgive and forget and all play happy families. I don't think it's a dig at you, I think she's just reminiscing and trying to say that things can never be the same again because of what she went through and because it is still painful...even if it's years later.

Hiya Mel,

I think your friend has had to make a very hard decision, i dont think she is holding a grudge, perhaps like RW says she is just making a clean break?

I would keep trying to contact her, let her know that you value her friendship regardless of the past and the FB thing, maybe she will contact you?

HTH x

Ive only read your post and not the others but.........

isnt that a bit childish of her??? s'like shes saying 'I cant be pals with you no more coz you still play with them' maybe shes got her reasons and all but <shakes head> I think thats a bit crappy and very unfair to you...... sorry she doesnt want to stay in your life

Childish? By the sounds of it this girl was hurt badly and everytime she's sees one of their names is reminds her of the time she was hurt.

Mel, i understand why your friend would want to do that. Have you tried saying to her that you understand why she doesn't want to be your friend on Facebook but does she want to stay your friend off that?

Mel, She's obvously got her reasons for it, and what happened back in Uni must still be having a massive impact on her.

I'd leave the ball in her court, you've emailed her and just see what happens. The more you push her, the more likely she'll back off completely. It does sound a bit childish, but she must feel that that part of her life is over and to break contact with you is the only way she can get closure. xx

Perhaps it's one of those things where she doesn't want to be your friend on Facebook because she can see a constant reminder of everythign through posts/photo's etc., but there is no reason why she still can't be your friend. Maybe she's just saying I'm not going to be on your page anymore looking at everything; and for that I can't blame her. I'd email her & say you still want to be friends off of Facebook & continue emailing like normal.

xx

HI mel, might have the wrong end of the stick totally, but i read her facebook message as she doesn't want to be friends on facebook, not friends all together. sounds like she just wants to move on and forget a very painful time and not keep seeing their pictures on facebook reminding her, she doesn't actually say she doesn't want any contact with you anymore/end the friendship, iyswim.

Anyway hope you get it sorted

Em xx

WCES

I think its just on facebook. If you have emailed her outside of it, I would just give her a little time first. And then maybe try again. Its obviously massively affected her and although its awhile ago now, things like that can affect you for years.

Hope you get it sorted though xx