O/T Having a sad day..

Keep talking to us is probably the best advice to give. It's so much easier to be honest with internet wierdos than face to face with friends (imo anyway...). And it's much better to get these thoughts out in the open than have them floating around your head.

A-D's can take a while to get used to but you will get there soon with them. It's only temporary whilst they help your chemicals rebalance themselves. I have some experience with people on A-D's and they all seem to have struggled getting used to them for the first two weeks and then feel much better. I hope this is the case for you too.

And if that's the way your 'friend' talks to you then I really wouldn't see the loss of her friendship of something to mourn - although I know that is far easier said than done. I would ignore her email and not even dignify it with a response. She doesn't deserve one.

Hope things start seeming better for you soon.

Hi there, sorry to hear the anti D's are taking a while to kick in and make you feel better but stick with them. I hope the counsellor is helping, its good to have someone impartial to talk to and make you see things from another perspective.

Maybe try to put the situation with your friend to one side until your feeling strong enough to deal with her. Hopefully its just a blip in your friendship and you can talk it over in the future and explain your side to her when things have settled down.

Take care x

Didn't want to R&R....

How long have you been on the anti-d? Have you spoken to your doctor and seen whether this is a common effect? Hopefully it'll just be your body getting used to it, and you will be feeling much better soon.

So sorry to hear your friend isn't able to be supportive - she may come round, when she thinks about it and realises how sick you have been.

There's not much I can do except to say keep seeing the Counsellor and taking the anti-ds. Depression is such a devestating illness, and I really hope there are some breakthroughs for you soon.

Thank you all. I feel like im trapped in a cycle. I can only get any sleep, with the help of the sleeping tablets, without them ive tried and tried. The doctor has give me 7 more days worth but then they cant keep giving them due to them being addictive. Im in bed with the laptop at the moment and just feel rubbish. Im tempted to take a sleeping tablet and go to sleep, but im having to use them sparingly, which sometimes means every other day, meaning I get really tired. Ive read on the net the common side effects and that you have to just ride them out. Its just not nice doing it, and makes you feel worse.

I know ive got to forget my friend, its just so hard, feels like im losing people around me due to this and it makes it even harder. I need to start feeling better, as im meant to go back to work Monday, but at the moment im just not functioning, im like a zombie. I think its a mix of the sleeping pills with the Anti-D. Selling the ring has raised some money, but not enough, and my family want to help, but cant afford to. Ive got a lady coming tommorow from the Civil Service Fund, who help people in financial troubles, no idea if they will help me, but they are coming tommorow. I dont even know if Il make work next week, but as each week goes by I lose even more money which I need to pay the rent and bills. It feels like luck is really against me at the moment.

Thank you all for listening, I wish I had something good to say, but there just isn't anything at the moment. It helps to know you are all there. I know that probably sounds strange, but it does x

Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to - surely if you're off work you're entitled to incapacity and also housing benefit? Is this something your family could help out with in terms of picking you up all the forms you need etc? Also, there are charities for people struggling with depression - they might be able to give you some good advice?

I really cant face going through all the medicals etc at the moment for that. And guess I keep hoping Il be back at work next week.

Know summin? you might have lost a (b!tch of a ) friend but you've gained about 50 good ones through Htched. Bet she doesnt have that many people who care about her!

stay strong babe xx

Thanks all. Being like this is driving me mad...thats if Im not already mad!. My body clock is totally out of sync. Ive been awake all night. Im hot one minute, then normal the next, feel sick, so try and eat something, then feel a bit more okay, but then its back, head aches, dizzy, just feel totally off on these tablets. Ive emailed the office manager to say I hope to be back Monday. God knows how though, I seem to change every hour of the day. Sometimes I feel okay, then the next I have to go and lie down. It really sucks at the moment. When will it end! Just a little break from it would be good. Its like im driving myself mad daily, and feel so icky I dont want to go anywhere. I managed to walk to the shop Wednesday thats just up the road, but its not long before I feel bad again. I know ive got to hang in there with these tablets, only on my 1st week, but its just horrible. At least last time I had H, and even when I was on my own in the day he would be there in the evenings. My sisters is pregnant and sick all the time and Mums in Hereford. Ive texted my friend asking if she wants to come over but not heard yet. Feel so on my own here. Every day is the same struggle. Im bored stiff, but then If I try and do something I feel ill anyhow.

Sorry Im ranting and moaning its just so flippin hard

Hey Mrsw2b, Don't worry about moaning and ranting to us, thats what we're here for! And to help you as much as we can.

It's so much easier when you don't have people judging you, and when there's someone there to tell you it'll be ok, and it will eventually, it just takes time. My sister suffered from depression and she was up and down all the time, the more you talk about things though the easier they are. So if something bothers you and you can't tell anyone else straight away, tell us and we'll help if we can!!

I wouldn't worry too much about your so called friend, they say that some friends are only there when you need them, and if it gets too much can walk away without a second thought. If she was any sort of friend she would have expressed her annoyance for you not going but then moved on and tried to help you. She's not worth bothering about if she can't be there for you when you need her most. I know it's hard as she was your maid of honour but maybe your better off without her.

Hope your feel a bit better today and keep your chin up!!!

Leanne xXx ?

Stick with it hun, it is not easy but once the meds kick in it will help you to focus. It is time to think of yourself & not others, you need to get yourself well again xxx

Thanks Leanne. Im just feeling so rubbish, I wish things would ease up, its been a right old rotten time the past few months. Ive got the appointment with the lady from the Fund to do with my work coming at 11am to see if they can help me financially. I hope there is something they can do for me. Ive told them il be back at work Monday, but right now its not feeling like im heading that way. Im totally all over the place. I keep hoping an extra week will do the trick, but then it doesnt and I end up worrying even more as each week is another lost weeks pay. I wish I could see a way out of the mess im in. Before this I had friends, a good job, and life wasnt great, but it wasnt hell like it is at the moment. What Id give to have that back, to have a glass of wine with my friends, to be having a busy day at work. All those things seem so far away. At the moment Im like a hald there zombie. Sleeping pills to knock me out and Anti-D making me feel weird & ill. Rattling around in this flat all the time. Part of me thinks going back to work will be good for me, take my mind off it like it has before, but it just masks it, I just put on the act and pretend its not there, until I get home, surely thats not doing me any good, because it comes out like it has done now. What if it comes out in front of my staff? All the hard work ive put in and built up a good team, and I will look like I cant handle it. I know there shouldnt be a stigma, but I know theres plenty of people at work that just wouldnt understand. They would just think all the things that ive worked so hard to prove otherwise. I talked to the counsellor about it, and she said im not letting them down, because its not something I have a choice in. She also said she could see how important my Job is to me, and that taken a back seat would be too difficult for me. I would hate that after working so hard for this. I know its not the job thats done this to me, its my personal life. Trouble is my personal life is now spilling into the Job, by taking me away from it. What do I do? I want and need that job, it gives me self worth, it gives me faith in myself, which I dont have often. Its hugely important to me because Ive worked so hard at a young age to prove myself and worked my way up. How do I get myself back there on Monday? How do I put on the act again? How do I deal with the questions my boss is bound to have? I wish I could be honest, but its just not possible.

If anyone has any suggestions id be grateful. I know Im asking for a magic wand, which is impossible, but if anyone knows any ways they began to get through it? x

I know it's hard and easier said than done, but you need to think about you, not what other people will think of you.

Why don't you take up a class? Like Yoga or a class at a local college? This will let you meet other people and maybe help your confidence and self esteem, it's not going to be as much pressure as diving straight back into work. It'll also stop you feeling as alone as you do, as you will make new friends. I love my Yoga class, as everyone is so friendly, and the class isn't hard work. It teaches you relaxation techniques which may help you sleep better.

When the lady from work comes today I would discuss your options, does seem like you need more time off, I know moneys hard, but if they can come to some sort of arrangement with you it's worth the extra week.

I've never been in this position, although when my brother died I tried to hold myself together and be the strong one for my family. Especially my folks, which helped them through it, I never stopped to think If I needed any help, which I did, as when I went back to work a month later all I did was cry, I cried at night, in the morning, and in the afternoon, I ended up needing more time from work as I shouldn't have gone back so soon, but they were completely understanding.

Sorry my advice isn't as good as some of the other ladies!!

HTH

LxXx

Thanks for replying. Im so sorry to hear about that, it sounds as though you have been through a very tough time. Depression does seem to be something that creeps up. You think your doing okay and getting through it, and then it hits you gradually. You must have been through an awful lot. xx

Sometimes I just need to hear it from someone else, its like my mind wont decide whats best to do, I um and ahh and cant think straight, I just wish I knew what to do for the best. When your in this muddle, it feels hard to think whats best. Usually making decisions is part of what I do every day, and I do it fine, but now its like the smallest thing is huge. The money is on my mind alot, as I know the more time = more lost pay. Im going to have to go through it all with this lady from the fund place. Used to keeping myself afloat, feels horrible having to ask for help. They want to see bank statements, bills etc and go through cirumstances. Do I tell them the truth over everything? Just worry it will get back to my work. (These people are not from my office, they are a national fund they cover people who work in the civil service, but who knows if they would contact work?).

I dont feel like I can go out and join a class or anything, because work think im struck down with a bad infection, they dont know the whole truth about everything. I have had a chest infection but thats not the primary reason, as you all know. Im scared of being seen by someone and it dripping back to the office & questions being asked. Its making going anywhere really hard. The shop on my road is the most ive gone, except to the doctors. I know I need to get out, but im worried incase they think im just taking the mick or something x

It sounds like you're putting so much unneccessary pressure on yourself over work. I know you're struggling with money but if possible you really need to steer clear of the place until you feel as though the anti D's have started to take effect. As much as we like to think colleagues will be lost without us, they will manage. Also you're not gonna be able to give 100% in your current state and this could cause further problems for you.

As for telling your boss, I don't know how big your company is but is there anyone else you could talk to such as HR manager/occupational health and ask them to keep it confidential. When I had depression the doctor put 'general debility' on the sick note and so left it up to me how much I wanted to tell work.

The lady from the fund will tell you whether or not the info you give is confidential (I imagine it probably is) so just be as honest as you can x

Thanks. Im going to ask her whether its confidential or not. I really dont know if they will help me or not, as im not in arrears yet. Dont know what they are going to ask me or in how much detail. Ive just got in the shower, as I looked rubbish. Dont feel better for it, but least im clean. Spend most of my time in my PJ's at the moment, doesnt seem any point in getting dressed. Ive put my joggers on & got my bills etc together for her to see. I feel so hot and cold all the time, these tablets are so frustrating, its making me not want to take the next dose, have to take 2 a day, but they make me jittery and weird and I feel boiling hot one minutes then icy cold the next. Ive just gotta keep on with them I know though.

There is a HR at work but they are a nationwide one, rather than local & to be honest they aren' t much use, tried asking for help when I was ill before, was lucky to even get a reply. If I tell my boss I just know Il be thought of as some over emotional wreck who cant cope with the job. They are that type of 'pull yourself together' people, even though they are nice most of the time, they expect as a manager you manage & cope whatever. I feel like this depression has just hijacked my body & I want to get back to how I was, but its like being in quick sand. How can I even start to get myself out and about when I just feel like this every day. Its like a waiting game. Just waiting and waiting. Feel like im losing my friends and people around me are living and im just stuck like this.

When I had depression the only way I could describe it was like being in a whirlpool. The further down I sunk, the harder it was to claw my way back out. Please keep on fighting cos it does get easier even though at the moment it seems like the lowest point.

With regards to work, can you ask your doctor to give you a sicknote with something non-specific on it like waiting for test results. You could even tell work about the hot/cold and dizziness (without telling them its actually caused by the tablets) and say you are waiting for the test results and let them draw their own conclusions. They might be more understanding if they think it is a physical problem.

I really feel for you and it must be so much harder trying to deal with this by yourself so please ask for as much help as you can, both financially and medically as it is out there. Also maybe a quick phonecall to the doctor to check the side effects will ease if you carry on taking this medication.

Thanks Kate. The doctor has been understanding & put severe infection/depression on my sick notes. The way im feeling I just dont know if Il be up to it Monday. Every hour is up, down, up down, be fine one min, then have to lie down the next. I remember last time I had bad side effects and for about a week I was feeling really bad, like fluey and was in bed alot, then it eased and after a couple of weeks I started to feel human. Its just so hard going through it again & feels worse. Im just moaning & groaning, thanks for understanding. Someone just hit me over the head with something hard :-(

I'm not sure of all the background to this, but i do hope that you're okay. You'll always have us lot of internet weirdos! Please keep in the routine of getting up every morning showering (make up and hair if you normally do that), and get dressed in real clothes (not slobbing about clothes or pjs!). Walk to the shop at lunch to get a paper or just for the walk. Where about in the UK do you live? I'm free if you fancy cake and a chat.

I totally agree here, I have suffered severe depression in the past and on different occasions and find trying to keep to a normal routine helps me to cope with the side affects of new meds. I know its a lot easier said than done but it really does help.

Thank you all, I will try and do that, way im feeling its been hard to bother doing that. Ive had a shower but then just put joggers on. I had the meeting with the Fund lady, the best they can do is lend me 400, but they have to go away and make a decision. Thats still way off what I need, even if they do say yes, but its something. I guess theres people in more financial trouble than me. :-( It was pretty hard to talk about, but told them whats happened, felt a bit like was being cross examined, it was embaressing. I just hope I can go back to work Monday as even if I do, im still hundreds off what I need to pay the rent & bills. Im running out of options.