O/T Religion coming between me and OH :( UPDATE

100% agree with that Starstruck!

x

EmJ, based on your last post about him being your best friend - I am sure you can back to where you need to be, happy and respectful with each other.

Good luck.

Ah... but is it him you hate when you argue or the things that he says to you? That is something that you need to possibly think about and come up with an answer to your own question. As is the question as to whether you should be together or not, we as a whole on here can give you information/support etc but its ultaimately you and him that need to take this to a resolution and that may resolution may come from you both, individually taking time out (not from each other at all) but taking out to seek and learn about your own self, your self awareness and reflection, if after that time you still want to be together then work hard...

Me and my OH nearly split up over his daughters, they were just vile to me but thats another thread... but we realised after sleeping apart a few nights and having that time to reflect that we didnt want to be apart from each other and we would need to work at being together which we did and thankfully it has worked so all is not lost.

I know I am only a student counsellor but if I can be of any assistance please let me know and we can have a private chat...?!

Im a christian (although non practicing I try to stick to the "rules") and my OH is an athiest. I told him when we first got together I would NOT have kids unless I was married, They WOULD be christened beucase I refuse to have my child not christened, I dont know if the rule still applies but if youre not christend you cant be burried in hallowed ground...?

Although OH is very disinterested in religion he respects my views on it, and I think without that respect we would never have lasted. and I meant that in respect to your problem.

Respect is a MASSIVE part of any relationship and if he doesnt respect you, do you really want to be with him? He sounds like a total tw*t if im honest. Although, children learn their values from their parents. Even when we get older, and refuse to believe that we do agree with the values instilled in us from a child, we do. When it comes down to conflict, we find shelter in what we already know!.

Even though your OH is being a total tw*t it seems clear to me that hes feeling like his place in the home (like the breadwinner/dominant one who makes all the decisions, you are wife, he is MAN!) is being compromised which is making him run back to the ridiculous tripe that his mother is feeding him!

No offence meant to anyone here, but thats what I have felt through reading this thread!

Emj - you have to really look at the relationship and wether you are actually happy, becuase dont for goodness sake marry him if your not happy.

Maybe speak to your local vicar/father and see what they say about it...they may be able to offer you guidence that we cant!

Hope you're okay and everything gets sorted out xx

I'm not sure I agree with that. My OH's dad is not religious but his mum is and is heavily involved in her church. Its not affected their relationship and they are still going strong after 30 years of marriage. I think its how you deal with it and how you let it affect your everyday lives. As long as a compromise is reached and you agree on the big issues then I dont see how a marriage of two different faiths cant work. I think its each to their own really - some people think belief is important in a partner, others dont.

For me I chose my OH because he is a lovely person and we get on so well but his religon didnt matter to me. Had he been a practising Christian going to church every week, talking about God etc and insisted on our children being Christened without us discussing it first, then I'm not sure he would be the one for me. Its not something that affects our everyday lives and is something we only really talk about in debates when they might arise.

I also think it depends on how religious you are and how it affects you day-to-day. I also think that its how you deal with it and how important it is to you.

Oooh no, I disagree with that.

The fundamentals of all religions are very similar, even if the traditions and practices vary. Essentially, all religions practice being good people which, in fairness, people can do whether they believe or not.

Unfortunately, problems arise when some people take the view that their religion is better than others, or that another's religious practices are wrong. But, in this modern age, I would hope that the majority of people can take the opinion that "they might display their religion in a different way to me, but they're fundamentally the same as me".

Believing in a different religion or no religion at all doesn't make them opposites, it's just a different type of currency.

If it weren't then you would never get mixed race or religion marriages.

Surely, the most important thing is to raise children to be a good person. Teaching them the values of bible doesn't necessarily have to be done in a religious way.

My question to Em would be "why is it so important to go through the religious rituals if, fundamentally, you're teaching your child right and wrong and how to be a good person?" I don't mean to sound flippant here but this may be exactly how your H2B is viewing this

My ex and I split after 8 years together because of a difference of opinion over marriage and children. It was heartbreaking at the time, but I knew his views were not going to change, so I stopped trying to change them (after 3 or 4 years battling!) and moved on with my life. I am now the happiest I have ever been. I have the most wonderful partner, we have the same views on life and the direction of our relationship, we very rarely argue and when we do, it's about something very minor. My life is just so much better now.

I hope you can work things out, but if you are having doubts, address them and re-evaluate what you want from your life like I did. You only get one shot, so you have to make it the best you can and remember the only person responsible for your happiness is you - learning that completely turned my life around.

Lets not just put it all on him here... OP went to her mother for advice too and she gave her an ultimatum so lets not tar and feather the guy just yet eh??

and for calling him a tw*t is bang out of order.. if I were the OP I would take great offence to that, yes they are having issues but for someone to call him that is pretty much uncalled for and as for respect, different people describe respect in different ways, such as my definition of respect may be different to yours so again you cant really say that he doesnt respect her just because your OH respects you in a different way, your OH may not respect your views on that but keeps quiet about it so you are happy...? Do you see what I mean, people can interpret things differently.

hannahhewlett1989

I agree with what you are saying completely. I did tell him right at the beginning and told him straight it would go against my religion and who I am to not follow this through and he is being just as stubborn as I am.

I dont think there is a compromise on this because he as you said has been brought up in a male dominated household. His mum stays at home and does the housework - he has everything done for him. He even, whilst round at mine expects me to get drinks etc for him and im against sexism just as much but thats a whole new subject.

He earns more than me - alot more - and is quite dominant in the way he speaks to me. When I try and put my opinion across on things, his dismisses my point of view and his mum is very much like referring to the house work as 'womans work' and he doesnt stick up for me. I try to stick up for myself and she belittles me all the more. Ive tried to explain to her that i was excited about being christened when I was and she completely dismissed me as did he. He even told me to shut up once when giving my opinion on something in front of his parents and they all laughed.

My mum is worried that as soon as we move in, he will become possessive because he can be a little bit like that sometimes eg the thing we split up over at christmas is because I was talking to my ex and told him i wanted to meet up and see how he was as we are still friends and he then proceeded to call me a cheat.

I am not saying it is all him - far from it because I have my immature moments but what he says and what he does are different things and I have been treated unfairly on various occasions.

The other problem is when he is angry he purposely says things to upset me eg last night when I said 'i love jesus and would be neglecting my church family and who I am' he replied how dare someone who claims to have died for me judge me. When I asked him to stop because I found it offensive and upsetting he carried on.

xx

KBS thank you for your offer of private advice.

Maybe at the moment I do agree with the t**t comment as I am still very angry with him and he can be at times same as I can be a bit of a b***ch at times too - noone is perfect.

Unfortunately during arguments things can be said in the heat of the moment but it does look like that you have already made your mind up about this relationship.

Em - sounds like there is a lot more going on here than just the religion topic. Are you sure this is the right time for you to be getting married? Maybe it would be better for you to sort through all these problems you have before you get further in to planning the wedding?

I think it depends on the two people involved rather than being a general concept - if someone's faith is more of a 'token belief' than a 'going to church/mosque/temple at every opportunity and praying 5 times a day' kind of faith then the other person not having that same - or any - faith is probably not a big deal.

As was already stated, "no faith" is in itself a belief system of sorts, and it all depends how serious you both take your individual viewpoints, and how much it matters to you that the other person doesn't share those beliefs.

Yep I agree and have tried to say lets postpone the wedding another year or so and I get defensive remarks like 'what good is that going to do' and 'I still say 2012 is the right year' and when I have been confident enough to say 'right i feel i need to postpone the wedding' I get 'thanks a lot for making me look like a d**k I now have to tell my family that you dont want to marry me' I cant win. xx

see 1 Corinthians 11:3 - "the head of the woman is the man"

Is he just playing you at your own game maybe?

Religon is always a difficult subject because when you get someone who is very devout in their beliefs & someone who is strongly against there are bound to be some differences of opinions but as long as you have respect for each others beliefs a relationship can work. A good friend of mine has no religon but has been married for almost 40 years to a devout catholic who attends church regularly. The secret to their marriage? They respect that the other one has different beliefs & agree to disagree.

Em, I think the difficulty in your relationship at the moment is that your OH has lost respect for you by using foul language. You have equally lost respect for him as he has gone back on something he had agreed to do which he knows is important to you & also because he has been calling you every name under the sun. The name calling could easily be down to pent up frustration, hurt & simply be said in anger. That can be forgiven as long as your OH understands that it is not a blue print for how your future relationship will be.

As others have said, you need to talk. If your OH won't talk then why not write him a letter? That way you can put your feelings down without either of you resorting to a screaming/slanging match. Explain why your religon is important to you but also explain how your OH means so much to you & you don't want to not have either of them in your life but if you respect each others beliefs then it is possible for it to work. Personally I think if you were to have kids it would be sensible to wait until they were old enough to decide if they want to be Christened or not - that is what my OH & I have done with our little boy as I would like him to be Christened but my OH is very against it. If my son decides he wants to be Christened when he is older then I am certain it will mean more to him than just having him done now simply because it is one of those things that you do when you have a baby.

Mixed religon relationships can work as long as neither party tries to convert the other into following a religon or tries to push the religous person away from their religon.

Maybe but surely if he was abiding by that, he could abide by everything else?

Good suggestion, thank you x

I meant that if he thinks you are not abiding by that, then maybe you don't take it seriously?

Now you are just going round in circles as before you were going on the compromising thing but now wanting him to abide = obey your wishes... maybe its you and you are only happy/content when you are getting your own way and he's getting frustrated with that attitude and fighting back perhaps??

You may not have looked at that angle before but you do seem to keep changing your mind an awful lot so if that is the case he may not know where he stands in this relationship which then his behaviour is on par with someone who is frustrated/confused etc..

Sorry I dont know why I posted that to be honest. I dont want him to obey but i suppose when I heard that I thought back to how I felt when he treats me like he does.

Thanks

Emj can i asked how old you and your partner are? I only ask because to me it comes across as if you have almost a teenage sort of relationship, texting each other and not talking when obviously there is a big issure here to sort out. I wouldnt put up with anyone speaking to me the way you have said he does to you, let alone the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world, you deserve better.

Do you treat him as he is head of you? Do you abide by Christian rules i.e. no sex outside of marriage etc?

I am 26 in June and he is 30 in June. We are both quite immature and I say both because I am not perfect either but yeah I do find it frustrating when I feel I need to talk about something and he will not or he 'goes in a strop' about it because it's not what he agrees as someone suggested is what I do. I feel for the mostpart I am dealing with a little boy. I know all men can be like little boys (sorry that wasnt meant as sexist) and not all can find it easy to talk but I have explained that surely he should feel comfortable with me if not any of my family just yet. x

We dont have sex outside of marriage no but he is not head of me.

I dont think it the case of obeying or not obeying, I and my OH both work, his is quite seasonal as he has his own landscape gardening company however I also work an awful lot from home but I do the majority if not all of the housework, i.e all the cleaning of the house, cooking every evening, doing the laundry, ironing and even putting his ironing away for him... yes he takes the P sometimes and asks for more which most times I will do but its nothing to do with me obeying him and his orders etc its that I do it for love and I am actually quite sad and enjoy doing things for him...

He does take the P out of me a lot too, but I know its only "banter" and trust me, he gets it back too..

So basically what Im saying is no-one should make the other obey.. It may be that he was brought up that way as my OH mum always did everything for her husband, but now if I ask my OH to do something, he will, if he remembers of course lol..

Your OH may expect you to obey him, i.e when you said that he told you to shut up, he may do that as he doesnt know any different as children/teenagers etc see what they do as they grow up and see their parents communicting to each other so maybe he just needs a little re-educating as to what a healthy relationship could be like..

considering he is not religious, I think he is doing well to reach 30 and for him to be having regular sex...? And you too, to reach 26 with your virginity intact is incredible. Sounds like he has respect for you and your religion because a lot m=of men would not wait like that.

I absolutely agree and Im sure he isnt a virgin so he has the "taste" if want for a better term of phrase so I think that too means he has a lot of self restraint and respect for you...

If he is then he's totally taken out it of context!

Advise him to see 2Corinthians where Paul instructs married couples not to be unequally yoked, or alternatively 1Corinthians 7:14-14 which discusses difference in beliefs in a marriage. I'm of the cloth that you can't have some of the bible and not all of it! He would need to understand the Bible in it's entirety before using it as a tool in an arguement!

I think you do take your Chistianity seriously Em, thats why you've asked for advice in the first place. If it was not an issue then you would've given in rather than trying to find as solution.

As I read on, i agree that there seem to be more underlying issues than just your beliefs. It definately calls for a proper sit down discussion....as i've said before, i hope that it goes well.

x

But the Bible vlearly states that man is head of woman. It is her belief, not his. That would mean she doesn't believe in her own beliefs?

Depends really, I have these quotes thrown at me all the time - the bible can be taken in whichever context you read it. I personally have never read the bible.

Hence why "some" Christians pick and choose at whim what they will out of the Bible...

OP doesnt want him to be head of the family but as you have pointed out it clearly states in the Bible that he is!

Without wishing to get too into a 'Bible study' on the subject, that particular phrase is just part of a verse, and as with a lot of things, when taken out of its context can mean something very different to that which was intended.

Reading around that particular verse it seems fairly clear that it's not just about the responsibilities of the wife to the husband, but also that of the husband to the wife - and elsewhere instructions for both in respect of their responsibilities to each other.

I dont think its fair for people to be questioning Emj's Christianity or dedication to her religion.

People can have faith in all shapes and/or forms so I dont think it is relevant to her OP.