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Emj85
Beginner June 2012

O/T Religion coming between me and OH :( UPDATE

Emj85, 24 January, 2011 at 23:13

Posted on Planning 134

Hi Girls, I'm sorry I don't know where else to turn for advice and wondered if someone could please offer some help and support. So I'll start at the beginning - I have been brought up since the age of 9 (I was adopted by my now mum) and I was brought up primarily by her and my grandma. I grew...

Hi Girls,

I'm sorry I don't know where else to turn for advice and wondered if someone could please offer some help and support.

So I'll start at the beginning - I have been brought up since the age of 9 (I was adopted by my now mum) and I was brought up primarily by her and my grandma.

I grew extremely close to them and they became...in two words...my heroes. Anyway I have been brought up with the belief that religion is something which should be respected and that god exists and we regularly attended church. I always believed something but wasn't completely sure what was up there and what I believed in.

Up until 2009, I believed I had been baptised when I was a baby by my birth mother but I contacted my birth auntie and it turns out I wasn't so after my grandma died - I turned to the church and this affirmed my faith so much so I wanted to get christened and confirmed. I also thought this would help me find my identity from being adopted and so went with the process and chose my godparents and was really proud. Since then I have become a strong member of the church community and my views are still very strong. I am a Christian not Catholic but still try to follow the teachings.

Anyway when me and OH started dating 2 and half years, I told him I was very religious and he said he wasnt but it wouldnt cause a problem because he didn't have an issue with it.

Recently with talk of the wedding, we have agreed to have the wedding in a church and when the subject of christening any children came up - he said I think the child should have a choice but wouldn't go against it if it was important to you. I thanked him for respecting me and that was that.

Since then I have had to sit and listen to various members of his family call religion (christians in particular) and not be able to say anything because I was in their house and wanted to respect their beliefs (or lack of)

Recently (like a couple of days ago) the subject came up again and I again said I wanted to have any children christened as it's something very important to me and OH is now strictly sticking to what he believes and is in no way backing down.

I do love him but I was a Christian long before I met him (although not officially as I found out) and I don't want it to come between us. I spoke to my mum for advice and she said well you know how I feel and I don't know if I'd be able to forgive either of us if we didn't. Please don't say my mum is wrong because if I didn't go ahead and he made me choose I would't forgive him either. He knew this when we got together and led me to believe it would be ok because he didn't have a problem.

Now this is coming between us and if he can't accept who I am, I am ready to walk.

(I should explain that his mum had Catholic religion forced on her when she was little and the last row we had, his mum rang me to interfere and had a go at me so neither families are really getting on at the moment.)

I feel completely torn between the man I love and am going to share my life with or supposed to be and my family and my love for god and my beliefs.

Thanks for reading

Please help!!! [:'(]

Thanks

Emx

***UPDATE***

Hey, sorry to bump this after so long but just wanted to let you know me and OH have worked out our differences and have decided on a compromise which we are both happy with. I have had a word with my mum and let's just say we've come to an understanding. But I'd like to thank everyone for their advice and for making me see the light. So thank you and hope all your planning is going well. Em xxx

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134 replies

  • Blonde Viki
    Beginner July 2012
    Blonde Viki ·
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    I read this thread at lunch time today and have thought about it a lot this afternoon before replying.

    I think CB has hit the nail on the head above in relation to what the fundamental point is.

    It doesn't matter that this has arisen over your religious beliefs - the subject of the dispute is the secondary issue - the primary thing is how you deal with having different views to one another.

    To have a successful relationship with anyone has to involve a degree of compromise. When a difference of opinion occurs, a 'good couple'* will aim to resolve this by talking, listening and trying to come to a solution that makes both parties as happy as possible (as opposed to one happy person and one sad one). I'm not saying that me and my OH don't have disputes, because we do, but I know that when it comes to it, he values my thoughts and feelings and that when we need to make big decisions, he will listen to me and not ridicule me. I show him the same respect. True, it might mean neither of us gets things 100% as we wanted, but I'd rather that than insist on my own way and he be miserable.

    I accept that inevitably, certain things are harder to compromis than others, and religion is one of those things, but in that case, I guess it shows the importance of choosing a partner who shares your beliefs/values/crazies so as to limit the amount of compromise necessary.

    What is sad is that Emj85's OH did appear willing to compromise and then had a change of heart without much explanation and when confronted, was not able to sit down and talk about it. I echo the other people who have said you both need to sit down and talk about this, without the interference of others, without placing too much emphasis on the opinions of others and work out what you both really feel and what you both really want, for yourselves, for your relationship and for your future children.

    Best of luck Emj!

    *disclaimer: my opinion only!! I do not claim to profess knowledge of what every 'good couple' is! Maybe i should have said 'well-matched couple'?
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  • PompeyEm
    Beginner September 2011
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    Thanks CB, now if you can put that in writing to my bosses who are currently scoring us for redundancies, that would be great... ?

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  • Strippy2011
    Beginner June 2011
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    I completely understand what youre saying to me KBS, I just meant that he sounded like he was being a total tw*t - I realise now that I didn't actually write that.

    I think that there are different levels of respect, and from what ive read it doesnt seem like he is respecting her, the reason I feel that is becuase of how she speaks about how he belittles her in front of people which just isnt respect.

    I agree that its not just him. it takes two to make a relationship work.

    I also agree that she went to her mother for help, which is what most people do isnt it? but I do agree that she shouldnt have given her an ultimatium

    I also think that her mother in law needs to butt out! A relationship is about 2 people not everyone else in the family!

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