O/T Well...ladies and gents...it has happened (ranty)

Crikey one thing i will say is did you not read it and think 'what a loser' .

Secretly deep down did you not hope that one day this text would come - i just say that because i would much rather hear those words from an ex than nothing at all and it would give me that great smug satisfaction that no amount of chocolate/drink/friendship can give (arent i evil lol)

Although, yes i do agree its not easy either when you start as much as you can to put it behind you & things like that do mess with peoples heads and is unfair of him to do that.

Girl you go out tonight, put on your best minxy outfit and hold your head high with a huge smile knowing that you are in control and had a very lucky escape by the sounds of it.

xxx

You know what I think about him and you had a lucky, lucky escape.

Hold your head high and get on with your life without him

xxxx

Ahhhh, why do guys always do this? Without fail!

My theory is that by them doing this it actually really helps our self-esteem. You know, it allows you the chance to be the one who says 'thanks but no thanks' rather than the one who had that said to them not long ago. Does that make sense at all? It's one of the hardest things to say, but in the end it gives you bak that control that he took away from you.

I agree with cotteesgirl completely- go out tonight and have a fabulous time! Don't even give him a second thought (easier said than done, though, I know)!

You don't need him. He messed up and is now feeling guilty and a bit lost on his own. He's seeking out the comfort of the familiar.

He's not worth worrying about. I strongly believe that you should never go back. I went back once and regretted it.

Start 2009 as you mean to go on. With the world at your feet!

Ali x

Don't mince your words will ya!! ?

Hi RW - I haven't been on here for ages and just read your post and was like 'No way' - I can't believe what you've been through the last few months and had no idea. I'm sorry you've had all this pain and heart ache. Try to think back to how your ex made you feel at the time, the hurt and trauma you have experienced. I broke up with a long term relationship before I met my H2B and I went back for one more attempt to save the reatiionship and I have to say it was never the same. The trust and security was completely destroyed and it turned me into a paranoid bunny boiler....did nothing for my confidence and I came out deflated and insecure. Try to be strong and confident, find your independence and rise above the past. It's a new year tomorrow and you shouldn't look back!! xx

Oh my gosh, Ruthy! No offence meant!!!!!!

It's fine!! I didn't take it that way! I thought it was funny.

You're probably right anyway. Having said that, it's hard to just ignore it you know? I know he's betrayed me and lied, and hurt me so much but it's also the same person who I was going to marry. I'm sure other people have got over similar things and worked through it. The only thing i'm not sure of is whether I can be one of those people and I don't think I like being put in a dilemma like this!

Xmas and NYE suck!! This year's anyway.

I think you're the only one who'll know what's the right thing to do. I hope 2009 is a brighter year for you! Best wishes xx

Everyone handles such situations differently but as someone earlier said take this as a positive for self esteem or you will end up making yourself ill over it.

1) he has no right to come running after the event, think about all the tears you have shed already because of him (im sure there have been quite a few)

2) he has just woken up and realised exactly what he has lost, shame on him & all his own doing, for which he needs to suffer the consequences

3) its all too little much too late (its made me angry and i dont know either of you!)

4) easier said than done but deal with it the best way you can and even if that means you turn off your phone for a while, keep yourself busy, go away somewhere to have a really good think - but please look after number one.

I can only give you advice, from your previous posts it sounds like you have a great support network around you and lots of friends that care deeply which is so important....i do really feel for you but try your best not to let it spoil your new year & the start of 09. x

Oh Ruthy, sorry to say this but I was actually waiting for something like this to happen. Before I met my lovely h2b I was in a relationship for 5 yrs and engaged for 2. But he could never commit to setting a date and would say things that implied that his child from a previous relationship was enough children for him. I thought about leaving loads of times but was scared of being alone and was trying to convince myself that marriage and children were not the most important thing for me. In the end he finished it and told everyone that it was to 'set me free'. I spent months getting over him (which was difficult as we tried to stay friends) and then I grew stronger and started my own life, started dating etc.

As soon as I did that he came round crying and saying what a big mistake he had made, how he loved me etc. This went on for about 2 months where he was constantly phoning, texting, writing me letters saying he wanted me back, we'd get married, move away, have kids etc. It completely messed my head up. In the end I decided that maybe we could give it another go, and within an hour of him leaving my front door was calling him to tell him - he didnt answer the phone, drove round his house and he was there with another woman - he'd been seeing her for most of the time he had been begging me back!! Like he was keeping his options open or something! That tipped me over the edge completely and I spent the next few months on the happy pills.

At the end of the day we obviously were not meant to be together and he just made my pain 100 times worse.

You need to stay strong Ruthy, try not to let this man hurt you even more. It sounds to me like he got cold feet about the wedding and then tried to see if the grass was greener. And when she dropped him, thought he could come crawling back to you.

Stay strong and if you need to talk, rant, ask anything about what I went through etc, then just send me a private mail, I'll be happy to help

?

ETA - 3 months later he moved her in and last I heard they are planning to marry March 2009! That's how much he missed me!

Hiya,

I'm so sorry he's thrown all this hassle at you now. I've read a few of your posts and it seems to me that you're so much better off since it ended. You've got your life together and you're sorted, don't let him ruin that for you.

It's a cliche but he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it. I know it will be hard but try and put him out of your mind because he's not worth even one second of your attention.

Have a brilliant night tonight and all the best for 2009.

Wow zippy sorry to crash but wow what a lot to go through. Glad you are happy now x

Men always seem to do this-it`s like they don`t want you when theyve got you, but when they think they havent out they come, crawling back.

similar thing happened to me, but while he was doing that whole `I want you back, I`ve made mistake` crap-even coming to visit me in sydney where I lived then-(to get away from him!!!), he was busy getting my so called best friend pregnant.

god it makes me so mad. delete his phone number. grrrrrrrr.

It was the worst 9 months of my life and as soon as I saw RuthyWuthy's post this morning I felt I had to share as I would hate to see someone so lovely go through the same thing. It's easy to say don't go there though, it's very difficult when it's you in the situation and your heart is saying one thing and your head something else. My CBM has just had something similar with her ex - and it all started as soon as she started seeing someone else.

SG45 - I am so happy now, even happier than I was with the ex.

I know you're all talking sense and I appreciate all your advice so much. I'm just finding it really hard and I was really doing brilliantly. I just want to go to bed and hide there until at least february, just before my Miami holiday.

I have deleted all his messages now. I deleted his number last time and I thought I had asked him to do the same.... Not having his number makes it easier because it means I won't spam him with constant texts asking him why he's doing this to me and then getting irrate when he doesn't reply. Although to be fair, if I wanted to contact him, <bunny boiler> I'm sure I'd fine his number somewhere..</bunny boiler> ?

I honestly don't know where to go from here. I can totally see that it would probably be the most supidest thing to do if I was to contemplate getting back with him or even talking about it with him. Having said that, I also know that this is the man that I imagined the rest of my days with and who I was planning to marry. Something that I don't consider to be an off the cuff decision. A couple of months ago I would have smacked someone who said a bad word about him and I would have stuck up for him until the world's end but now i'm not sure I could trust him....and that's the hardest thing for me. I have always found it really hard to completely open up to people and let them in because they have all turned into bastards in the end. I thought he was different and he was, he meant everything to me. Only now it turns out he really wasn't that different after all....and that really hurts.

It may sound like I'm being a bit of a dorrmat but people have affairs all the time, in and out of marriages and some get over it and some don't. I'm not saying i'm going to jump into his arms tomorrow or anything...I guess I just can't completely ignore that fact that he's admitted he's made a mistake, and I can't completely ignore the fact that what we had may not have all been pointless after all. Which is a bit of a crap fluffy thing to say...but the most hurtful thing was to think that the last 3 years were based on lies and deceit and to be brutally honest, if I can hold on to a tiny bit of hope that it wasn't, then I'm ok with that.

Did any of that make sense?

Hi Ruthy

It does make sense - I saw your previous post and wanted to say something but didn't so I shall now.

You have handled this whole situation with unbelieveable grace and strength of character. Faced with similar circumstances, I might have taken scissors to his clothing and hot wax to a certain part of his anatomy.

You have been amazing! You are the bees knees, mutts nuts, badgers nadgers and he is a complete idiot for messing up what you had.

I'm with Ali in that I think going back is not a good thing. But- you have to do what's best for you.

You don't need to deal with or think about that now tho. For a good start to 2009 follow these steps,

1. Step away from the phone.

2. Dress to kill

3. go to a mates

4. open the champers

5. dance the night away !

You can think about what to do with his sorry arse another time. I personally, for what it's worth, think you deserve a WHOLE lot better

xx

It makes complete sense Ruthy and none of us can tell you what to do, at the end of the day only you can make that decision. All I will say is to ask yourself why he has come back now. It sounds to me that things didnt work out with the other woman and he is thinking it would be so easy to go back to you as you obviously still have strong feelings. It's hard but you need to determine whether he wants you because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you or does he want you back because it's easy and convenient?

You also need to question whether you would have wanted him back had he not contacted you. Imagine how you would be thinking about him before he texted you last night. Also if you did get back together, knowing he cheated on you could you trust him?

Like I said, we can only advise, only you know your true feelings. ?

ANd remember - I'm here if you want a chat, trust me- I have a good idea of what you are feeling right now. I almost went back, and I am so glad I didn't - I met my now h2b instead and he is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Completely agree with that, Ruthy Wuthy you have mail (in a sec)

I agree with MrsCroft2B too. Just focus on today - and what you're doing tonight - and take each day at a time. You don't have to make any decisions right now this very second. You need time to deal with your emotions and go easy on yourself. This is tough.

I totally see your point in that you can't just switch off your feelings after 3 years + an engagement, it takes a long time to get over someone and so when he contacts you like this I imagine its v. confusing.

I agree with you - relationships do survive affairs - we've had a few threads on here which have gotten quite heated but the gist of all of them was, do what's right for you and no one should judge you on that.

Anyway you know we are all here to listen to you whenever you like - and you have all my contact details if you want a chat anytime.

Just have a lovely time with your mates tonight - who love you and appreciate you - and wear THAT dress! You sexy mama - I think you should post the pic of you in that dress on here you look sooooooooooooo amazing.

xxx

Hi everyone, didnt want to read and run, but not sure really what to say, but have a huge hug from me, sorry to hear whats been happening in your lives.... I know i'm not on here much these days, but always here if you need a rant or anything!

Love lots ?

Dam xxx

Hi Ruthy Wuthy - I've no real advice to add to what others have said; only you know how you feel and this must be a very hard time for you.

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and wish you all the very best for 2009 wherever it may take you.

Laura_Lee xx

R_w i have nothing constructive to offer over and above everyone else, but just wanted to say hi, and happy new year ?

Hi Ruthy Wuthy, I could not leave this and run. I am not a huge hitcher, not even sure why I came on here just now but i did and saw your post. Reading your story was like reading my own life. My H2B left me 18 months ago with no clear explanation except he needed time to think. I found out klater he was thinking while in mexico with a girl he had been seeing behind my back. He worked away so I had no clues and even his mates didn't know. Its been a painful 18 months, like you he has been in touch on more than one occassion wanting to turn the clock back (even though he is still with his holiday companion!). Even christmas day he was texting me and it took all my strength not to reply cause I do love him, like you he was the guy I was going to marry and I had stuck up for him time and time again over the 6 years we were togther even when he ruined my brothers wedding and caused a massive family row I stood by him.

But what I try and remember is that I am in love with a memory, with a guy who doesn't exist anymore. I know in my head we would never work out if we tried again because the trust has gone and he has hurt me in a way that no one should let alone the person I wanted to marry and spend my life with.

Tonight is hard for me too but I am going to think of all the good things in my life that have happened since he left. 18 months on I still have to take it one day at a time. I have a killer dress to wear and I am goign to party the night and year away and look forward to a better 2009 am I sure my prince charming is out there somewhere - no more frogs!

have a great time tonight I will be thinking of you RW.

And thanks to all the others that posted because everything you said is right. Like I said I have no idea why I came on just now but so glad I did becasue some of your words to RW will help me through tonight too. Hope you all have a great night x

Oh - and I want to see this dress too! Please post!

I'm probably going to be the only person to say this so please don't flame me! Everyone makes mistakes, hell I've made some with my h2b and he with me (not cheating though) and have been through hell and back but the main thing was that he could both see past those mistakes and wanted to try again. We did try and are still here today and sometimes it isn't easy but ultimately we both love each other and can get through the bad times.

Relationships aren't easy at times and may take a whole load of rubbish and crap to actually get to where you want to be. It may actually make you stronger or it could break you but is life too short to possibly wonder in a years time 'what if I had tried again'?

I guess what I'm saying is that he may be worth another chance but only you can decide that. Hitched, friends, family or anyone else won't sway your decision but actually hearing about what a loser he is and how he doesn't deserve another chance may make you realise that you do want to give it another go (does that make sense?). I realised that I wanted to give my relationship another go after I was prepared to make the decision between my family or h2b. That isn't an easy decision obviously but I realised that I had to do what I wanted and not listen to the advice of anyone else.

I'm not able to really explain what I mean but in short what I'm saying is that I think considering giving it another go might be worth it because if you don't I'm worried you will regret it. If it means you end up in tears again I think that is better than possibly missing out on the life you had imagined with him.

You know where I am if you want to chat. I have a feeling you actually know deep down what you want to do although I may be totally wrong.

I hope you have a good night tonight ?

Lx

p.s. if this makes no sense it's because I'm ill and half asleep!

Hi RW....knew this text would come!!

I'd echo what PurrfectGems is saying...at the end of the day, relationships need working on, and sometimes we all make mistakes. I'm not saying you should forgive and forget, just that you need to make the decision for whats right for you, not what anyone else thinks.

But I think from what you're saying you've closed that chapter and I knew he'd start to panic........just leave him to stew!! xxx