Otter help needed re the D word

It does not sound whiney at all! Im really sorry to hear of your troubles.

Do you think he maybe feels the same way but has been avoiding the conversation with you also? I think only you know whats right for you. But speaking to him about the situation should be at the top of your list. Maybe he has felt the same, maybe hes shocked and didn't know anything was wrong - it might give him a kick up the bum. You say you have been trying - but has he? And is that the problem?

If you aren't ready to talk to him, is there a close friend who you could talk to? You really shouldn't have to go through this on your own, and whilst we are always here, talking face to face to a person can feel cathartic.

I really hope things work out for you. Sorry I am probably no real help!

Thank you for replying, it feels good to have just told *someone*. I something needs to be said sometime and I'm putting it off. Ugh.

Oh hun I'm really sorry to hear this. I definatly think you need to talk to him. It's easy to fall into a routine and loose interest in sex etc so talking will either clear the air so you can work on it or start the seperation process. Have you tried going on a date? I know it sounds daft but I had this with my oh a few years back and before saying anything I booked a night out just the two of us at a restaurant and we re-connected. We realised we had let trivial things like bills and work take over. If you can't re-connect then it's time to walk away

I'm so sorry to hear this - but you know we're all here to help where we can.

Would it be worth going to counselling? Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a neutral third party may make your husband realise just how much pain you're in.

Talk to us, talk to a close friend, talk to anyone and make sure you look after yourself xx

Make a plan on how to leave.

Get advice on whether or not you can afford a mortgage by yourself. If you can't, figure out what your accommodation options are. Find a divorce lawyer.

Once you have a plan, tell him you want a divorce. Implement your plan.

I was in exactly the same position - I was with my ex-H for 8 years total, 3 of those married and felt exactly the same, as though we were just friends (and barely even that towards the end). I spent so long trying to work out the practicalities of it - where I would live, could I afford it etc but at the end of the day it was simple - I didn't love him, I hadn't done for a long time, and it wasn't fair on either of us to keep pretending.

All I would suggest is if you are sure (which it sounds like you are) then just do it, have the conversation. It will be hard, but nothing is harder than living in a relationship that isn't right and is making you ill. The practical stuff will sort itself out in time, and it's better to get out now while you are still friends than leave it and risk that friendship falling apart.

I'm now 18 months down the line and life has never been better (for either of us!). The mortgage still isn't quite sorted and the divorce is going through this year, but we have both moved on and realised just how unhappy we were as a couple.

I hope you manage to get everything sorted and make the break, if that's the decision that you take.

Hi Lovely

I'm so sorry to hear that you're unhappy at the moment, although I'm yet to get married, so not an Otter, I was married previously. Other than all of the great advice you've received from everyone else, all that I can add is that it is true you know in your heart if it's right or not.

I was with my ex for 5 years and looking back I was probably only truly happy for half of that time, I knew that I was unhappy but was too scared to act as I was worried about upsetting the families. But one night it just got too much that I made the break free to my parents and never went back. I realised in the first couple of weeks that I'd made the right decision because I just didn't miss him or want to speak to him. He tried to win me around (one way was by buying the car that I always wanted!!!) but that just made me more determined that it wasn't making me happy. It was difficult being back at my parents, even though we're really close and I love them dearly, but I was still much happier being back with them than I was with my husband.

From the other perspective me and my current OH haven't been getting along for a few months, due to work and money pressures. A couple of weeks ago, we came so close to splitting up that it scared me and made me see how much I really do love him and want to be with him. We went away together and are really making progress now, to be like we used to be, we've both agreed that we want it to work, I think that we were having the 7 year itch!

I know that it's scary, but you really do need to sort it out, so that you don't end up hating each other and have a bad relationship around your little one. Is there someone that you could stay with for a week or so? to just really sort out in your head if you want it to work or not.

Good Luck, I hope that you get things sorted either way and you become happier x

Thank you all for replying, I'm sorry I haven't been back sooner but bloody work have restricted forums so had to wait to get a chance to get on here. You've all given me things to think about and I really do thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Does anyone know how long money has to have been out of an account before its taken into consideration in a divorce? I want to move my meagre amount of savings so I've a little pot of money for anything I might need

There are probably family lawyers on here that can advise. However, when assets are looked at for division during divorce, it's what's been accumulated during the marriage rather than where the asset is.

Do you think the split would be amicable? You can agree the financials between the two.

I'm sorry, I'm not very good with the financial advice. I wasn't in a good situation, because even though we had a joint mortgage, the deposit was put down using the sale of his house. We came up with a separation agreement whereby he took on all the debts and I just walked away. I do really regret that now, as I know that I would have been entitled to something, but at the time I just wanted to get away from it all.

There are some good solicitors who can just advise you and don't charge too much or I always found Citizens Advice to be very helpful.

Good Luck x

Unfortunately it is irrelevant where the money is stored and who it came from - it's 50/50 on everything unless previous arrangements have been drawn up.

For example - my parents gifted us a significant house deposit which ex-H is now getting half of in the divorce, however debt that he built up on my sole credit card is all mine!

It probably won't be easy, but you;ll have to pick your battles if you want to keep it amicable.

I could say try counselling on your own to make sure things are straight in your head. Also have a frank discussion with your h etc. However, as someone who has been through it in the past I can also say sometimes you just know that you are at the end of the road.

I would take some legal advise before you make a move if possible so at least you will know where you stand with legalities etc if possible and as others have said often an initial consultation can be free.

As regards finances I also think it's a 50/50 split on any monies or investments during the marriage. Moving the money it of a joint account wouldn't work. Of course if you withdrew it and officially spent it bit by bit when in reality it wasmstashedmundr the mattress that's a different matter but be prepared there will be questions as to where it is etc.

My friend recently divorced. When her daughter was born she sold her company and it the money in the bank. This was intended to be her 'future wages' so she could spend a few years home full time with her child. In the divorce the curt still awarded 50% of that money to her husband. They didn't car what it was or wheremitmcame from etc, it was joint money and he got his share of it.

So be aware that debts and moniesmare generally split 50/50 even if circumstances dictate that shouldn't be fair.

I hope you can soon be happy. Whether that's alone or together. No matter how sure you are of the decision its still hard. Look after yourself. Whatever you decide you need someone you can oxpen up to that you trust. Also remember that an, amicable split doesn't always staamicable no matter how much you think it will.

There will always be someone here to listen or give a virtual hug. X

Mack if I 'know' you IRL please feel free to message me on FB. I can't offer much practical advice but I can offer a sympathetic ear x

Hi Mack, hope you're doing ok since your OP. Have you thought any more about having a talk with your H?

I'm afraid I can't offer any practical advice regarding separating, but I have split with my son's father and I can only recommend you keep things as fair and amicable as possible on that side of things. But you have already said you are good friends so I'm hoping that continues for you.

Just wanted to say that if I know you and you want to talk, I'm here to listen whenever you're ready x

Afternoon all. I've made an appointment with a solicitor on Tuesday so I at least have an idea where I stand. I think I know in my own head it's at the end but I haven't decided when to talk to him. We both have some annual leave coming up together near easter so I'm toying with the idea of waiting until after that so I can at least say " we've spent this time together and look".

Thanks again for all your replies.

And thanks Holey, I think I know you IRL, but I can't put the link of your username to a person's name but I'm sure we are in at least one fb group together.

I'm sorry to hear about your problems, it sounds like a difficult situation. I've never been through anything like this (not yet married and no children yet) but I think you're going to be disappointed in the time you have together on annual leave. How can you expect anything to change if you can't have an open and honest conversation with him and give him a chance to put the effort in to possibly save your relationship?

It sounds like you have already made up your mind. If your H became more attentive and loving tomorrow, would you put in the effort yourself to try and save your family or has it already gone past that point?

Also, I know money is important and you're still trying to figure everything out for yourself but I would probably be more concerned about what will happen with the child you have together and how to make it as easy on him/her as possible. At the moment you two are their whole world and it's about to come crashing down. I'd like to think (although couldn't say for sure as again I've not been in your situation) that I would give my marriage every possible chance including couples counselling before considering divorce.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

Yes I know and believe me the baby has been the first thing I've thought of in all of this and strangely seems the most straightforward. He's a wonderful dad to her and I have no concerns at all that she will be both our priorities and won't be used as a weapon by either of us. Because she's so young at the moment it's another reason I'm more keen to do it now while she's young enough not to understand or remember. She's also a reason I know I have to tackle this because it's unfair to have her grow up in what would likely become an unhappy household.

I'm just so frightened of tackling all of this but I know it's at the end.

Hopefully you can track me down from that if you want to

You're having a tough time of things. But the reason I'd suggest you talk to your other half is because it's likely he's feeling much the same way. He must be well aware of the breakdown of your relationship and I imagine he must also be going through these scary feelings not knowing what the future holds.

I can't offer much advice beyond that, but if it helps you to know, a friend of mine went through the same sort of thing last year and she and her husband spent the year planning their separation so that they each knew exactly what was going to happen - they worked together to separate finances etc and sort out housing. She said they both had a responsibility to make sure the other one had decent accommodation because their child would be spending time at both places. A year on and both sides are much happier...the child possibly less so, but she was a fair bit older and it has been upsetting for her to have her parents separate from each other.

And as someone with 3 older children, I agree that if you know it's not the future for you, then getting out now whilst your baby is still young is most definitely the best thing to do for her.

I hope you find a positive way forward and hope you both find happiness in the future.