Parents & Guest List

We got married last Friday (!!!) and did compromise with our parents on guests. Once we knew how many guests my husband and I wanted there we were able to give our parents a certain number of invites each for their friends (mostly evening-only though) and to be totally honest with you I'm so glad we did. It was the best of both worlds - our parents were thrilled to have their friends there and really appreciated the gesture but it was still in our control and on our terms. By the time the evening guests came round we were having such a wonderful time we were happy for any Tom Dick or Harry to join our party anyway - the more the merrier!!!

We've done similar. We've got my future inlaws, dad & stepmum and mum and partner so it was adding up very quickly. I ended up giving them all a number of invites which seems to have worked so far

I think it depends how many they are asking for, how near to your budget you are and your chosen venue capability. If yu are happy to give them a number each that they are happy with then that's fine. If it's escalating or you're not happy with it for any reason then I think you should say so and if need be pay for it all yourself. Have the wedding you want whichever way things need to be done. For instance I wouldn't sacrifice 40 close friends for ,40 people you haven't met or hardly know.

We have compromised and we do have some guests coming who would be cut off if we had been paying for their meals ourselves. Personally I'm not too bothered - there is room, we haven't had to turn away anyone we actually want there because of it. I will just be able to say a quick 'hi, thanks for coming' then move on, so to me it isn't going to affect the day really.
Like you say though, you're looking for someone who's already done it to see if they regret it. My wedding is in just under 3 weeks and I'm not worried about it, but I guess we'll see!

If you feel like it is going to affect the day and is worrying you already with 2 years to go, I would look in to paying yourselves so you don't need to compromise.

I've had my share of this. We get married in December and are looking to send the invites out in a few months but my parents have been on my back since a week after we got engaged last year! I've had list after list of people that "must" be invited. Problem for us is that we are having a rather small wedding, 40 people total. There's no evening section, it's you're coming or you're not. So having a list of 25 people from my parents added to the 14 family members not on the list but from oh side, it leaves us very few actual friends who we love. I have crossed a number of these names off my parents list but that caused a huge argument resulting in them halving the amount of money they had first pledged to contribute. This isn't a problem as we didn't need their money but it did cause a lot of upset to me that my dad was willing to be such a d@&k. It gets worse when I find out my mum has been verbally inviting people for months and gave me a list of people who have already verbally accepted!! Thankfully, it's a small number so I have to invite those now! But it's been difficult. I think we are just about there with making it seem like we followed their list but actually crossed off more of it. Oh has agreed to only invite two friends and his immediate family, which I don't think is fair but he says he'd rather not cause a family rift and we can always have a second party for just friends. I love him so much!!

anyways, I think it's best to be firm with your parents where you can but try not to get emotional. That seems to have been the hardest part for me but I'm taken more seriously with my family when I'm rational. Work out the numbers you have space for, take all the suggested guests list from the others and sit down with oh and add the names you feel are acceptable to your own guest list. Then explain your reasons clearly and calmly to family. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I totally understand it's hard! Xxx

Nope. Stand your ground I say. It is not their wedding. My MIL tried it with us with some friends that my husband hadn't seen in about 15 years. We both said no so she offered to pay for them. I told her it was not about the money it was the fact that we didn't want them there. We stood our ground and I am so glad I did.

I would be having a serious conversation with them and reminding them of their original statement and that you are feeling pressured into it because of money

Wow, this is exactly us, Pixie!!

OH had a huge falling out with his parents over this, but we stood our ground. With a capacity of 80-90, his parents gave a list of 12 people who MUST get invites. Of those, two were invited because OH has some kind of relationship with them still, the rest he couldn't even recall seeing all his adult life. Had to stand our ground, otherwise we have to give the same courtesy to my mum and to my dad, which would leave us with very few spaces for our actual friends, the people we want to spend our day with!

They offered money towards the wedding which we politely declined (although OH borrowed some money for a deposit without consulting me, which we didn't even need!). I didn't want them to be using it as a bribe to get what they wanted and having to justify that we were spending X amount on a photographer (such a waste of money when everyone has iPhones these day according to MIL!!). They tried to pay 'extra' to include the people they wanted just to the meal part and not the ceremony (so they just want a free meal and a drink, don't care about the actual wedding part!) and didn't get that it's the principle of the matter - we don't want them there! They wouldn;t even get to see them til the evening do anyways!

(Very) Long story short, they had to suck it up, we've had to deal with snide comments over the last 18 months. We told them they could invite them to the evening do. Every single one has declined!!!

Wedding is in 8 weeks, and we couldn't care less if those people turned up for the evening do or not. Happy we stuck to our guns!

I've already answered this post as a bride. I will answer again as a mother! I don't get it to be honest. When my son got married I gave them some money and said spend it on your wedding/the honeymoon/on something for the house I don't mind. I was interested in the planning but not local enough to join in with much and attended the wedding wth my ex partner. I didn't ask for any of my friends to attend. Why would I? I see t that it's your wedding. Not a night out with friends. Not a business dinner. Even if my friend has known yu you're whole life why isn't the evening good enough. And certainly not 12 of them. I would have a lovely time with my friends over a meal it or lunch or coffee showing them the photos. Weddings are too expensive to invite people you never see or don't even know. So that's my mummy opinion lol. X

Ah Jayne, you are the best!! Can you please adopt my OH?? Would have saved us a lot of stress!!

We didn't take the money because we didn't want this. No matter the promises that were made, I have seen this play out a number of times.

You just have to be polite but strong. You are going to do this once (or not in my case lol) and deserve the wedding you want. I didn't interfere in my sons wedding. My daughter asked me (while I was planning my elopement) if I would be upset if she eloped. Answer was no of course not. If she wanted me to have grandson if would do. If she wanted us to go so grandson could be there then have him so they can spend time alone that's fine too. Then I eloped lol. I had the the big family wedding n the past and can't say it felt like my day really. Learned my lesson. The time I had exactly the day I wanted. Most people were fine in the end. We need a bride genuine n 25 years to the it how all today's brides reacted over their kids weddings lol ?

Thank you so much for your kind replies! I was really scared I'd come across as spoilt or ungrateful. It's not many people (about 10, I think), though it does mean we wouldn't be able to invite some university friends to the day unless enough people declined. I'm relieved to hear that nobody seems to really regret inviting people who wouldn't be their choice though!

Jayne - You sound like an amazing mum, I bet that made your son incredibly happy.

Pixie & Trixie - That is how I feel about some of their requests. Sadly, my mum and FFIL won't back us up - they seem to think giving enough money entitles people to behave however they want.

The distant relatives were fine with us (even if not our preference), but the friends are a slight issue. Each of us has only met the other family friends once or twice in the eight years we've been together. OH does remember FMIL's friend and her partner quite fondly, at least, but they didn't occur to him and he doesn't think they'd bother to travel anyway. Our main objection is conceding to her bullying in this instance!

My dad's friends are local and I don't really like them. They've never been very affectionate towards me, showed absolutely zero interest in OH when they've met him, and we've had no form of congratulations from them at all. I am pretty sure that my dad is only insisting they should come to all of it (rather than just evening) because FMIL asked for her friends, not because he actually thinks they will care about us getting married.

I think I will email parents the guest list and explain that it's preliminary, the only people we consider non-negotiable are close family and our own friends. They are paying for certain things rather than giving us the money, so we could always decide to decline it or repay it (as we can afford to) if they don't agree with our final decisions.

Dad's friends are coming to the belated engagement party he is organising. Do you think it would be reasonable for me to firmly refuse them after that if they are as rude to us as usual? If he considers how they behave towards us, maybe he'll realise that it's a bit unfair to ask that they come to the ceremony? And if they can be friendly for the sake of politeness, I wouldn't mind having them. Sorry for the long reply!

I think the engagement party is a good plan. Make it clear to parents etc that you will be making n decisions until after the and nne s to be invited to the wedding. Quite honestly and at the risk of sounding awful even if I was invited to my friends daughter/sons wedding I would probably be happy with the evening do. After saying n dnt be silly have your friends! Unless it was done had known since they were kids and always had a lot to do with. Any serious grief pay yourself and done with. Making it clear who was rude who ignored you and who got drunk.