Parents & In-laws.....

My parents have not yet met my H2B's mum or any of his family, but I fear there may be some clashes, yeah. I dunno what it is about them but they seem to love discussing toilet activities in detail! H2B knows I find all of that stuff gross and distasteful and so doesn't talk to me about it, but whenever he's with or talking to any of his family, at some point bowel movements will be mentioned in conversation. I'm having terrible visions of one of his family saying something to my quite posh and reserved aunt and uncle about their recent toilet visit and my poor aunt fainting at the dinner table.

Your partner's plan is excellent - it means it sounds casual, so the parents / inlaws do not feel like they have to attend. Sometimes people like to get an early night before the wedding anyway, so I wouldn't think it odd that a bunch of people decided not to go.

I hope you manage to get over those feelings that it's a 'dampner' for you, because in reality it really doesn't matter. In most marriages, the two sets of parents don't live on each other's doorsteps, so they never socialise anyway. Spending the wedding day together, and perhaps any future baby christenings etc is the only time they see each other. Why does it have to be more often? We shouldn't be defined by any idea of 'normalities',

Purely due to geography, our parents won't meet until the wedding. We will all have a meal together 2 days before, then that's it until we arrive at the venue.

My in laws can't stand my brother neither can my H2B and his friends. On the other hand my parents think the in laws are okay, I still think there might be a bit of an atmosphere on the day.

Am I the only person who has a great rship with the inlaws, whos OH has one with mine, and where both sets of parents get on well? Even go to festivals, concerts, and pub crawls together????

I wish i could dish out some in-law-lovin!

Oh god that sounds terrible, last part hahaha!

No.

OP, I think the plan to ask people to join you at a the pub is perfect. It allows people to come if they want, but also doesn't pressure them to do anything. Am faintly worried about your parents being so openly hostile about your in-laws though; even if mine weren't too keen on his, they'd have to have it dragged out of them, and vice versa.

If you feel it's making you feel bad, I would just ask them to stop this type of chat indefinitely, please.

Bean - I think your OH's plan is the right thing to do. Then it's up to your parents and if they don;t join in - their loss. At least they've had the opportunity. LIke you thoiugh - I think they should be able to deal with this for your sakes.

Fwiw - we're doing a similar thing and expect got have pretty much the whole wedding party there the previous night. We know some don't get on - but it's their problem not ours. We love them all so they're all invited.

And we both get on wonderfully with out dad in laws to be. And they get on well too - they used to work at the same factory umpteen years ago. Sadly both our mums are no longer with us but know they also would have got on well. My mum also knew my OH's dad (she died only recently) he had a soft spot for my mum.

My parents and in-laws don't really go out or socialise unless it's wedding related and even then in-laws try to avoid the subject.

I guess they would talk to each other if they were locked in the same room but they wouldn't go out of their way to. We find the in-laws pretty weird so it doesn't help.

I love my fFIL and OH gets on great with my parents too. I only wish my fMIL could have lived to see us get married as we lost her two years ago after a long drawn out time of dementia which broke all our hearts. I'd also love to pass out some in-law lovin!!!

I do think your OH's idea is a good one though OP so I would definitely go with that x

Ooh in laws and parents are causing a bit of a headache! H2Bs father had affair for 20+ years and is now married to other woman, my parents who have been together 40 years think this is dispicable but they are civil with him. H2Bs mother is now married to an egyptian chap 25 years her junior that she met on holiday, hes absolutely lovely but my dad is a bit deaf and struggles with the accent, watching the 2 of them try to communicate just makrd me cringe .....

The parents meeting can be a bit stressful. I've been putting it off. My FMIL and FFIL live in London and my parents in Cornwall so logistically it's a bit difficult and then add in the fact my OHs parents are spanish and only speak a little English which is likely to make the first meeting challenging.

Im hoping with a couple of bottles of red wine and they will all get on fine. Hit have to admit I'm a bit anxious about it all.

(Sorry feel like I've rambled and stolen your thread x)

Oh that's a shame. It too my partner and I 8 years to pluck up the courage to arrange a parents meeting - there's only about 2hrs distance. They are just completely opposite people and we found the whole experience painful and awkward. It hadn't even occurred to me to have an event with everyone the night before but it really doesn't appeal to me because of the awkward factor.

Just spoke to my mum again today and she said we can go out the night before for a meal as in my mum & dad, sister & bf and myself and my bf. I said well to be honest we were going to go to our favorate pub and just say to everyone your welcome to join us if you like......that didnt really go down to well.

She said I doubt your dad will be happy about that, I said yes but for one day could you just put up with them she didnt seem to happy about that, so now I dont know what to do I just dont want to upset anyone I just want a nice couple of days but I feel stuck in the middle. My parents arent the type of people you can speak to and reason with.

Its not like they havnt met before my bf and I have been together over 11 years and mums used to work together. I get were they are coming from my BF parents are not nice people at all but for just one day I would like to think they could put up with them for our sake. I have no interest in the families socialising after the wedding just the wedding day and the night before.

Please help I am really stuck, I am dreading telling my bf because i know it will cause an argument ☹️

If they are being awkward then personally I 'd sack everyone else off & go out either with each other or with your MOH & Partner & Best Man & partner! Sod the parents, let them do what they want to do. They're being selfish.

I really feel for you Bean! You just seem to want what would be widely accepted as reasonable for your big day.

Personally, I would be pretty peeved if my mum even tried to pull this, I get that she might think it is a nice gesture, but it is not the gesture YOU want.

I don't really have any advice, but if it were me, I would stick to my guns - graciously decline the invite to a meal with just your family - and invite everyone out to your pub plan. Maybe make the drink in the pub into a meal in the pub for people to just dip into, and then your mum can't really say anything along the lines of 'we wanted to go out to dinner, not drink.'

Have you spoken to your dad? because (and I'm probably mis-reading the intonation, especially as I don't know your parents!) it sounds as if your mum is maybe putting words in his mouth. Definitely let your sister anfd bf know they are very welcome to come with you and friends to celebrate.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter if the parents get on, because you are marrying your OH, not them. I think maybe you just need to be strong with your parents! (A lot easier said than done!)

Wow if you hadn't have said you were getting married in October then I'd be thinking you were talking about my situation!

My parents and FIs parents are just very very different people and their personalities don't mix well. His parents are very quiet and traditional and like everything to be perfect and if it's not it's an embarrassment (They did once refer to our wedding as an embarrassment - did not go down well AT ALL). My parents are loud, not traditional at all and couldn't care less if something wasn't perfect.

I know they won't enjoy having to spend time together but unfortunately they'll just have to.

Your BF sounds like he has the right idea - never-mind if anyone else doesn't like it. This who thing is about the two of you, no-one else.

I'd just say you're going to be at the pub at 8pm and anyone who wants to come is welcome. If your parents don't turn up I'd just tell them how disappointed in them you were for not putting their differences aside for their daughters wedding.

I know it sounds harsh but sometimes you have to be.

Not a nice situation to be in! But I think it's actually quite common. Some people will say that you're marrying your partner's family as well as him, but I don't agree with that at all. Every single family is different, and while that might be true in really close-knit families where there are lots of get-togethers and group holidays and Sunday lunches at each other's houses, it's definitely not true of many families. As a poster above said, a lot of parents-in-law will only meet each other at your wedding and the christenings of your children. There's no rule that says you have to become one big happy family. Maybe 100 years ago, but definitely not now!

I would say that your OH has the right idea. Let your families each do what they want to do, and don't force them together. As long as everyone is polite and civilised during the ceremony and reception, I would consider that a good result! Don't let them spoil your plans or your day or your marriage. Maybe make the night before the wedding day all about you and your hubby-to-be and your BMs and attendants. You want happy, positive, supportive people around you - you don't want to be acting as referee for two sets of people who will likely never meet again after the wedding!

Sorry they're being so awkward, what a rubbish position to put you in on what should be an amazing few days for you. I agree with the others - stick to your guns & do the drinks in the pub if it's what you want to do, & if the parents don't like it then they'll just have to act like adults & suck it up!

Our parents haven't met each other yet - we get married next June, so we're planning to organise a BBQ at our house in the summer & invite the family round - I think they'll all get on fine as they're all pretty similar personalities. I know my mum will worry about it beforehand though as she has some health issues. The only family drama we have is that OH's brother hasn't spoken to his dad for years, for no reason that anyone can fathom, but I doubt he'll even turn up to the wedding if he thinks his dad will be there, so it's unlikely to cause too many issues!

I wouldn't say our parents don't get along - they haven't met yet - but I've definitely been hurt by OH's parents lack of interest in knowing anything about them. My parents live in the States, where we're getting married. My mom has asked me for OH's parents address so she can send them a card to introduce herself before the wedding, but OH's parents aren't really that open to it. They've told him that since they live in a different country they will never see them anyway, so there's no point in getting to know them. They will just show up for the wedding, get through the weekend, and then probably never talk to them again. For me, a wedding is a blending of two families, whether they see each other frequently or not, so this is pretty hurtful to me. Plus, my mom is definitely that stereotypical overly friendly American who talks to everyone she meets and bombards them with nonstop questions. It's too much for even me to handle most of the time. So I'm worried that if they don't speak ahead of time she was come of way too strong and they'll just retreat into their shells for the whole weekend which my family will definitely take as a snub.

Truthfully, we've had more issues with FBIL and his wife who got married last year. They've been together since they were kids while my OH was always been single and I think they're struggling with the fact that for once they aren't the center of attention. Their family has been structured a certain way for a decade and now this uppity American is coming in and messing with the whole heirarchy. My OH bought them an iPad for an engagement gift and they have yet to give us anything. I bought them a Christmas present (which I told them about in advance so they wouldn't feel awkward by not having something to give in return). They said "Oh yes, we have something for you as well". Well, I never received anything and only got a thank you last week. In March. For a Christmas present. Which was followed up with "Oh, I heard you're going for your tasting. The wine at our wedding was sooooo amazing, wasn't it?" And on and on about how they were so lucky to have the kind of wedding everyone wishes they could have (Which is the complete opposite of the type of wedding we're having). I feel like they keep making comments to remind of me of my "place" within the family (aka beneath them, because they were here first) but they haven't yet caught on to the fact that I'm not interested in playing these games or seeking their approval. In American culture there's not really an expectation for your to earn your way into a social circle and I don't know if I even want to be in their social circle, so I'm just trying to ignore their thinly veiled passive aggressive remarks in the meantime.