People who kept their maiden name

I keep getting them for Mr and Mrs <H's first name> Smith. It winds me up - I only took one of his names, not both!

Weve had cards this years addressed to Mr and Mrs (OHs surname).

We're not getting married until May! Even then i'm going doubled barrelled.

I'm lazy and so just write first names on the envelope (e.g. Jack and Jill) if different surnames are involved ?. Plus my handwriting tends to be too big to fit much more on.

Yep. It doesn't really bother me when older relatives do it...and I'm only a bit miffed when friends do it. Maybe I haven't made it clear I still use my maiden name (although the fact I haven't changed e-mail address, etc in 6 years is a clue).

It also gets up my nose a bit when old friends address my H first in a card, i.e. To Mr Betty, Betty and Baby Betty. Why would you not put my name first if you've known me forever. ? I always make a point of addressing myself first when writing cards. I'm petty like that.?

Me too. I've told my mum repeatedly not to but I swear she does it on purpose to wind me up.

Yes, every card we have received with surnames on so far has had my married name and not my maiden name that I use for everything. Even my friends, all of whom know I have kept my maiden name have done the same.

Yes, my parents and a couple of girlfriends are the only ones to get it right and, while it didn't bother me rem cards received from more distant relatives or people on "his side", it makes me furious when people who know fine well that Ms maiden name is not just a professional name but is in fact MY name, persist in calling me by my MIL's name. I am also perplexed as to why I have got cards this year addressed to mr and mrs hisname, from people who know that we are separated (most likely permanently). I came home from work on a bit of a high yesterday (off for 18 days, woo!) to a pile of such cards, which reduced me to an incapable bawling wreck for the rest of the night. I'm sure that wasn't their intention at all, bit I mean, how thoughtless? It implies that all of the pain we have both got through in the last few months is nothing but a silly blip. Likewise, in previous years, I took the mr and mrs cards to be some kind of statement like "you can have your silly feminist notions if you like but look, ha!, I can totally ignore them!" Pricks.

I took H's name, but since getting married all of my family have too to writing Mrs rather than Dr, getting married apparently has downgraded me ?

I count my MIL as Mrs MySurname, so I like being Dr MySurname as it gives me a different name to her.

The other thing that really annoys me is we've got some post through that says Dr MySurname and Mrs MySurname, as they assume it must be H that is the Dr and not me ?

Yes, this happens every year, and it fecks me right off. I don't say a damn word to the people who have changed names, hyphenated, used maiden name as surname, blah blah, and I could understand if it was far-off relatives or friends of H who simply assumed the norm.. but I'm talking close friends, my mum, in-laws.

It's so fucking disrespectful.

I don't say anything now (I offhandedly reminded them when I remembered for the first couple of years aftergetting married), since I know it's pretty much nothing more than a political statement they're making about how they don't agree that it's ok for me to have kept my maiden name for a chunk of them. I've even had one relative saying out loud "well it's just not right, is it?" when she questioned why I hadn't got my paperwork changed "yet" a year after getting married.

If I didn't know and it was someone close I find out or address to first names only. That's the polite thing, surely? *sigh*

Lou ? so sorry to hear that.

Wuzzle, if I were you I would be incandescent with rage - like being a Mrs trumps being a Dr? RAAAAAR!!

I kept my name and was infuriated when I was addressed as Mrs Hisname. I'd made it perfectly clear to everyone that I was keeping my name but somehow they feel it was OK to ignore my wishes? No cards addressed to Mrs Hisname this year, thankfully, I am assuming that everyone thinks we are divorced (sadly not).

How much effort does is take to check what people would like to be addressed as and respect that wish, for feck's sake? So rude it makes me see red...

I swear H's family do it on purpose, we both went double barrelled and they appear to have taken no notice whatsoever Mr & Mrs Hisoldname is so annoying, how many more years until I can scream at them?

To play devil's avocado, it could just be that they have forgotten in the interim. If I'm not sure how people want to be addressed I'll just use first names, but to some that looks rude/odd on an address. If you're making a point of telling them every time then I'll agree that's rude, but if not they may just not have taken it on board. If they're friends then why would you assume they are setting out to upset you?

SC I'm talking about people who know fine well, which means I can only conclide that at best it is an extremely thoughtless accident, and at worst some kind of point scoring.

I get fed up with Mr and Mrs cards when they're from H's colleagues from around the UK. They know he's been promoted from Dr to Professor and again, it's just being petty not to get it right. I don't care what they call me but get his name right please!

Gah! me too. My inlaws addressed our card in this way & it really wound me up, 3 days later & I'm still angry. H can't see what the fuss is & says they are just old fashioned. It's weird enough not having my old surname after living with it for 34 years.

I wouldn't be offended by it but I can certainly see how it'd be frustrating if you'd made it clear you were keeping maiden name. But not sure what you mean by point scoring? Not sure how calling you Mrs HisSurname is point scoring/upperhand? In what sense?

I am currently away with my H. I needed to speak to a member of management and left them a note signed in my maiden name - the name that is on my passport and that I am checked in under and the only one I use. The man in question phones up to arrange the time to meet and opens by saying "yes is that Mrs Marriedname" and mispronounces that too. His first language is English so no excuse. So when I met him I deliberately mispronounced his name. Childish I know but made me feel better.

H and I both double-barrelled when we married, so we're now Mr and Mrs Myname-Hisname.

My family all get the name right. His family clearly don't agree with it and everything that has arrived from them is addressed to Mr & Mrs Hisname. I find it incredibly annoying.

If it really bothers you that much, then put "Not known at this address" and return to your inlaws.

Don't let it eat you up xx

Funnily enough, I had this rant at home about an hour ago! Xmas card from my parents. I still use my own name, although they don't know that, so fair enough. But it was Mr & Mrs <his initial> His Surname.

I hate it! I'm sure some people will think I'm petty, but it winds me up too. How hard is it to say Mr <A> and Mrs <B> His Surname? It kind of made it worse that it was my own parents. if that makes any sense.

Well, I made it perfectly clear before I got married that I would not entertain changing my name and I have politely and firmly corrected people ever since as to what my name is. Despite this, various people who know the situation (and to whom I have explained my reasons throughly) persist in calling me by name which is no more 'my name' than 'ronald reagan' would be. It is a clear sign that they do not accept my correct name or my reasons for it, and by ignoring my wishes they are effectivekly saying 'you can call yourself what you like, but we'll always call you this.' It's clear point scroing of the pettiest kind, and it is the twistedold fashioned relatives and some of my H's friends who are the main offenders. Do you see what I mena/ I'm worried i'm being paranoid now, but I've spoken to my mother, colleagues and friends about it and they absolutely agree that is a 'ner ner' message. Of course, I rise completely above it and would never cause a fuss/ cull- life is indeed too short for that. However, it makes me realise how many petty people there are out there that I have/ used to have on my Christmas card list.

Having said that, I returned home earlier to a (very sweet) card from my PIL, addressed to 'Ms MyName'. This is, indeed, a breakthrough as they were previously absolutely the worst offender. Pity it took me breaking up with their son to respect my wishes though. ?

Tempting, but no. ? To do that would be to join in with exactly the kind of passive aggressive nonsense that we're all complaining about. The best way to broach it IMO (and it has worked in about 5% of case ?) is to say VERY sweetly, next time you see the offender, 'thanks so much for your Christmas card, it was lovely. I'm not sure if you realised <grit teeth and try to forget the 27 previous occasions you've explained this to them> but I didn't actually change my name when we got married and I am still Ms Myname.' It's the only way you can do it without them being able to complain about what a huffy feminist cow you are.

I did change my name when I got married so Mr and Mrs <ourname> is fine but I do hate the Mr and Mrs <his initial> <ourname>. Only done by our older relatives and I know thats what they think is correct (and technically it is but its old fashioned and outdated).

Gah. Sorry it's not just me being wound up by thoughtless people. (? Lou)

One in law had a slight dig at me recently for not sending cards (for the last 5 years Ive given Christmas card money to charity) then proceeds to send a card that's meant for me but has the wrong flipping name on.

Nope - not just you. TBH, I thought it was just me ! Mr Orly keeps telling me that I'm being silly about getting cross when people get my name wrong. (Then again - have just sent card to BIL, addressed to the Smith family, when him & partner blatently aren't married.)

What royally hacked me off, was that I told all my family that I wasn't going to take Mr Orly's name before we got married. In August, we had a family do, when I told them all that I was still Ms Maiden-name. "Oh, I didn't know that" they all say. Two months later was my birthday: one card from an aunt, and another from my grandmother both had Mrs Marriedname. There's no excuse !

<tangent> Even worse was the card this year from a friend, with the comment "any news of a baby Orly ?" in parenthesis after the Christmas wishes. </tangent>

I find this really odd too - I have made sure that everyone knows that I have double-barrelled rather than changing my name, but still we get cards with the wrong name - I guess it's maybe just because it's not the "usual" thing to do, and some people are old fashionned about it. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who gets mad about this. It must be particularly frustrating for those who have separated from partners (? LouM).

The oddest one this year has been one of my old friends, who knows I'm Dr Hungry-Caterpillar and my OH is Dr Caterpillar, but still addressed our card to Mr and Mrs [his first name] Caterpillar.

Gosh, Minverva, I didn't realise you never used your married name! Thank heavens I assume all women are Mrs Maidenname unless I am advised otherwise.]

This happened ocasionally when I was with my ex, usually it was older members of his family and tbh it didn't really bother me, even when the cards were addressed to Mr and Mrs Cnutface Hisname. It's just being a bit reactionary.

Lou, that's bizarre, and so hurtful. Sheesh. ?

LouM, I can see in that case how you would feel that people were getting at you. I still think some people may be being a little sensitive though.

Re the 'Mr and Mrs Hisname Surname', up until relatively recently that was the 'correct' way to address a letter to a married couple - I remember being taught it at school - so where you have taken your husband's name a lot of people will address the envelope like that with no disrespect intended.

I don't care if it's 'correct' or not or whether people mean to offend or not. It's rude to call someone something other than the name they have asked you to call them.

Would it be acceptable to consistantly change the spelling of someone's name as you think another way is correct?

And perhaps I should read a post properly before replying to it. ? Might be seen as rude not to.

I'm not saying that it's right if they have consistently been told otherwise, but I get Christmas cards from members of MrSC's family who we rarely if ever speak to - in their case if I'd chosen to keep my maiden name they probably wouldn't know - even if we'd announced it at the wedding they could easily have forgotten 7 months down the line when Christmas came along. I quite agree that in, for example, Lou's case where the people concerned have been told over and over again and are clearly just trying to make a point then that is rude in the extreme and you'd be right to be annoyed.

When I said about 'correct' method of addressing an envelope that was in response to those who were talking about being addressed as Mr and Mrs John Smith for example, not those who chose to keep their maiden name. I'm tired, I probably didn't express myself clearly. sorry if I've offended.

I have a pretty unusual first name & I get irritated at the number of my friends who cannot spell it. They are people I met through my H, however, after 11 years, they should be able to spell my name correctly, especially after receiving a wedding invitiation from us earlier this year.

However, I am used to not only my name being spelled incorrectly, but being pronounced incorrectly. I am not so tollerant of those idiots who cannot pronounce my name. Say what you see & you'll get it right!