Personal - Advice Needed

Personally, I couldn't be with someone who did drugs. No matter how much I loved them. I've witnessed drugs destroy people, lives, families and I couldn't do that to myself.

But, I can't make the decision for you.

If you can't be with him while he's doing the drugs, give him a ultimatum.

Aww god bless you, I wouldnt even know where to start if I was in your shoes... other than hang my OH upside down by his balls if I found out he done drugs!

On a serious note though, I know someone who does the exact same thing whenever he is out with his friends. He can go very long periods of time without going out but whenever he does get to go out its like he is a young lad again, following the crowd and doing what his friends are all doing! It really makes me angry that he cant just go out for a few drinks without putting that crap up his nose, its actually really embarrassing!

Whenever I talk to him about it, he always says "it sobers me up and makes me last all night!" and my response is "well dont drink that much and you wont need to 'last all night'" it doesnt make sense and I find those that do it as part of their night out are completely oblivious to how much danger they are putting themsevles at, it only takes that ONE time for something bad to happen. The thing that worries me the most is they dont have a CLUE what they are actually taking, for all they know it could be rat poison mixed with washing powder.

If this was my OH I would have to do something about it, I dont know how you have managed to put up with it for so long, I can completely understand why you dont trust him on this because he hasnt given you any reason to think differently.. Maybe give him an ultimatum? How would he feel if his parents knew about it? Or really explain how it makes you feel and if he cared about your feelings he would put that immature hobby to bed otherwise you will never want him to go out alone again! He needs to PROVE to you that he can be trusted. I bet he hasnt even tried on a night out not to take any drugs so he might actually surprise himself and have a great night without all that crap in his body.

I would try one more time having a real serious talk to him, express exactly how it makes you feel, even go to the lengths of saying you have asked us fellow hitchers for our opinions because you really dont know what else to do, its always on your mind and you simply do not like that part of him...

Have you got a family at all or planning to have one? Maybe say that you certainly wouldnt want to have children growing up around that etc...

I hope this helps and I hope you get it sorted ASAP!

I Know of people who also only do drugs on nights out, but thats still not an excuse. Not only is it illegal anyway, but its dangerous and the fact that he lies to you about not doing it when he has and you feeling the need to go through his phone just to find out is not acceptable.

He should repect your opionion and your wishes. Its not out of order to request for him to not do it. I personally wouldnt marry someone who didnt take my feelings into account on such a dangerous and important subject.

But I cant make a decision for you, its all comes down to what your willing to put up with.

HTH

PS... And welcome to hitched!!

I agree with the others. It's not just the drugs issue, it's the lies too. Marriage should be built on honesty and trust.

But only you know how you feel and can make the decision.

Hi Katie

I think its difficult for us to give you proper advice regarding this. How far are you willing to go? Do you think it's serious enough you should involve his family? If so are you willing to face the consequences of doing so? An angry H2B, an angry family...?

You said he goes months without having any. It doesn't sound like he has an addiction, it sounds like its a social thing. I'm not condoning it, I don't like drugs, my ex did drugs, I didn't know this until I saw him do it. That's why he is now my ex. But that was my choice and you've obviously decided to stay with him.

How would you feel if you issued an ultimatum and he continued to take them. Would you carry through or would you stick around?

I'm sorry this isn't very helpful but unfortunately its a really tough one.

Best thing to do is sit him down, explain why you're so concerned and ask him to stop. If he says no....you have to think of where this leaves you.

Thanks everyone.

I would *never* leave him over it. I love him dearly and if I was going to walk away from him because of it I would of done it a long time ago now. Admittedly if I had known he did it when I first met him I'd of never got so involved, but my love to him outweigh any hate on this subject.

Its not always on my mind - to be honest I only think about it every now and then, and now its like my feelings are immune too it. I don't get as angry and upset as I did before as I'm almost accepting that is going to happen. But this whole pill thing has come as a shock. I can't believe he would be so stupid.

I want to say something but at the same time I just think whats the point.

I wouldn't tell his family - to be honest his siblings probably know as they are all in the same crowds so think they all have the same outlook on the stuff.

Also yes, wanted to be trying for a family next year but I echo what you have all said on that front. Thing is I've said before I'll kick him out etc if he carries on doing it but he knows I wouldn't.

This.

Without knowing the background or anything about you guys, it's the trust issue that gets me.

If you're not going to leave him over the drugs (which I can understand to a point), why does he feel the need to lie to you about it?

This might sound harsh, and I am sorry if this upsets you. But he should respect you enough to tell you the truth.

If he doesn't, I'm not sure there's a strong foundation there to cope with marriage.

I totally understand what your saying and obviously I feel the same way. But then part of me feels ashamed to say but do I prefer being lied too? White lies so to speak. What good comes from him telling me hes done something I hate and me getting upset etc.

Although saying this, maybe this is what needs to be done. Everytime he does it he has to tell me - knowing how upset I'll get, and thats what his options are - he does it and sees me be devastated over it, or he doesn't and doesn't have to go through seeing me like that.

I know what I'd pick if the tables were reversed.

How do I handle the whole thing though - i.e. me knowing from looking through his phone etc.

I've never agreed with people doing this and can't believe I have succumbed too it. Don't get me wrong - would never read everything in his phone - its only messages that have clearly been sent / come in during the time hes been on said nights out.

Again, not wanting to upset you.

But if he's doing something that he knows upsets you, and yet still does it, then he either needs help because he's dependent on the drugs and can't help himself. Or he doesn't have that much respect for you if he's willing to hurt you anyway.

This.

If he's addicted then he needs help. If he's not then you need to let him know that his behaviour, particularly the lying is unacceptable. Either way I think you need to talk to him about it. Ignoring it won't make it go away. Sorry you're going through this.

I have to agree with this. I've been in a similar situation before and couldn't handle the fact that someone would lie to my face and continue to do something they knew hurt me.

You must have suspected it anyway to check his phone or is this something you routinely do anyway? Think about what made you suspect him and maybe start by talking about that and say how this lead you to check his phone because you were worried.

I know every couple is different but I believe marriage should be based on trust and honestly and you don't seem to have that. The only way you can move forward is to talk to him openly about it otherwise it could just eat you up. You say you wouldn't leave him over it, and at the risk of being over-dramatic, but what would you do if he hit a rough patch in his life and started becoming more dependant on it?

No, never routinely check his phone. Its only if I think he's been doing it - and its almost like I want to not find anything so I can think ahh hes not doing it because he knows how much it hurts me. He considers phone checking absolutely detrimental so I am weary of telling him I have been / done this. Also, I know this makes everything worse - but if I tell him then hes never going to keep anything incriminating on his phone and I'll never truly know if he is / or isn't doing it - as I can't trust him alone on the matter.

Kriek - know what your saying but in all honesty I think once we are married and start our family he won't ever go out, so I don't think he will be around it etc. He has a very peculiar outlook on it - that people only view it as 'bad' because of the laws etc, when really its just as dangerous as alcohol etc.

I can't help on the main issue. I'm in a similar, but not so drastic position with my OH smoking. It drives me crazy, especially as we're struggling to have a baby and the doctors have said that it can seriously affect his sperm count which is half the problem. He knows how much it bugs me because of this and also because my nan died a few years ago from cancer that started as lung cancer, but he basically doesn't care. He wouldn't even stop when we were going through IVF. It infuriates me.

On the point of telling him you know, could you not call him on it the morning after his next night out. Say you can tell when he's been doing it from the way he acts when he gets in, but it's got too much and you can't cope with him lying to you anymore.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do x

I think there are a few serious issues in this - you dont trust him how can you marry someone with no trust?

he lies to you - how can you marry someone who lies to you?

before you get married/ start for a family i would sit him down and have an open and frank conversation about how this makes you feel.

Then in all honestly, you're being extremely naive.

If he's willing to lie to you now, no ring on his finger and no baby will change that.

Your probably right. But in reality I still wouldn't leave him even if he did carry on doing it on nights out once we are married / have children etc. Thats why its such a dilemma for me. Everytime I've raised it - nothings changed. I hate accepting its going to happen, but part of me wonders if thats just what I'm going to have to do.

Does he know exactly why it upsets you? I think it's easy to dismiss drug use saying "it's just as bad as alcohol" but to me it's a more complex issue. If you think it's different to alcohol then you have to tell him why, his problem isn't with how the wider public perceive it, it's with how it upsets you.

In reality only he knows how often he does it, there might not be "evidence" on his phone every time it happens. I really think you need to talk to him about if you want to move on in your relationship. Otherwise you'll just worry every time he's out your sight and that's not fair on you.

Thats the other reason why I think is it worth saying anything - because I don't really worry about it. More just get annoyed when I realise he has been doing it. I think I'm quite niave and everytime he is out think hes not doing it in all honesty, so get annoyed when I learn he is.

What would he do if he knew you were checking his phone?

I have no idea. He thinks its completely out of order...

But I happen to think lying to me is more out of order!

Welcome to hitched. This is a hard one...

why not? will you not ever go out again after getting married and having a family?

As far as the drugs go, it's something I know a lot about (unfortunately). My ex did as your OH's does, i.e. only on nights out with his mates. He started doing it 3 years after we first got together and hid it from me for about a year until I found out. He may not seem addicted now but very quickly my ex started doing it more and more (if we had an argument, if he was feeling "stressed" etc) so it can quickly become more than a social thing and that's when it becomes a serious problem. It completely destroyed my ex's life and mine to some degree until I left.

You have to decide if this is something you are willing to live with...it may get worse...it may not. However, the main point is that he knows it uspsets you and he knows that you want him to stop but that isn't enough to stop him. He chooses to go behind your back and do it anyway then lie to your face about it. I think you have to have a serious chat with him and ask yourself how much worse will you feel if he continues to do so after you're married and have children?

I agree with all of you but I just know whats going to happen. So many serious chats in the past - he says he will stop, he doesn't.

The only solution I see is to ask him not go out anymore - but I just feel thats completely unrealistic / unreasonable.

I think this is a hard one, I don't envy you. I think part of the problem is that he knows you aren't going to do anything about it. He knows you don't like it but carries on doing it because he knows you won't ever say anything/do anything. I'm also slightly confused as to what you are asking advice for? You won't leave/issue an ultimatum and then you've said it doesn't really worry you. I think I'm confused!

I think I'm confused too :-)

I refuse to accept it but at the same time I would never leave him over it.

I just wish he wouldn't do it and honestly can't understand why he does, especially knowing how much it upsets me. But at the same time I know from experience telling him to stop doesn't work - so there is literally nothing I can do but put up with it. But why should I have to put up with? Why should I have to sacrifice what I believe in so he can carry on doing it like I have done for past 8 years, why can't it be his turn to do something he doesn't particularly want to do just to keep me happy (i.e. stop it).

I am very liberal re: drug taking. I think it's someone's choice to do what they want to their bodies. I know I'd rather see someone talking a bit fast and dancing a little manically than puking in the gutter, practically comatose from near-alcohol poisoning. It seems your Boy has a similar outlook; he feels safe and therefore doesn't see the need to stop.

However, it is unreasonable to expect that everyone else has similar liberal views on such things (and I'm not saying it's somehow better to be liberal about this). Whatever his personal approach to it, he should be taking your POV into consideration.

IMO, even from a fairly relaxed viewpoint, it is entirely reasonable to have objections to this activity and to ask that he changes his behaviour. It's not an unreasonable request, you're not demanding that he stop seeing female friends or something petty, you're asking him to stop doing something illegal that could have ramifications outside of his personal bubble, especially if children become part of the picture.

Maybe focus on that as a means to getting him to stand back and see what's happening? He has no bother about the health risks, I assume. But what would it mean if he got arrested? You're talking maybe prison, large fines and a criminal record. How would that work for his job? His and your family? Your children? Going on holiday?

OK, so think of it like this.....

He wants to do it, even though he knows you don't like it, he also knows that you won't leave him because of it.

In other words you accept the behaviour, no matter how many times he does it, so therefore he can get away with it.

If he can get away with it then he'll continue to do it.

I am completely confused too.

It seems to me that you already know that you wont ever leave him over it and so does he. That doesnt need to happen, but what does need to happen is - you need to grow a set (dont mean that nasty) and threaten to leave him, if he cares about you he should stop, No questions asked . Ask him what is more important, throwing away an 8 year relationship all because he gets a little buzz on a night out.. If it was me I wouldnt care less if we fell out because he knew I was looking through his phone, if I didnt trust my OH then I would make him work his arse off to gain my trust back.

You simply should NOT have to put up with this, relationships/marriages are all about compromise, he clearly isnt doing that because even though you have told him so many times before he clearly doesnt appreciate how you feel, therefore you have every right to speak to him every single day until he accepts how you feel about it. Its not something silly like being addicted to dirty magazines, its ILLEGAL DRUGS. You are not being dramatic or unreasonable, you simply love and care for him and you do not want to marry someone who thinks its ok to take drugs -

He thinks that people never get arrested - they just get cautions etc.

He has a very I'm invincible attitude, sadly.

And no offence, but by letting him walk all over you (he does something you don't like, but you don't do anything about it so he continues), that attitude isn't going to change.

He thinks he can get away with it, because at the moment, he is.

Until that changes, he won't change.