Personal - Advice Needed

How old is he?

I'm not sure what advice you want.

He lies to you because he knows you don't like it. You'll never leave him over it, so he'll continue to do it. Why should he stop? You'll put up with it, even when you have children, even that isn't a deal breaker for you.

Do you really think he won't go out when you have kids? He should stop, and you should speak to him. Having children should be way more important, but you can't just hope he won't do it.

Hi,

My OH also does this (not pills though) occasionally on nights out., ive known this since i got with him., probably one saturday night every 2 months or so., I have told him i dont really like him doing it but its his choice just dont do it in front of me or at home. I wouldnt split up with him over it but only because i have told him i dont like it but ultimatly its his choice!., he doesnt do it so much now and always tells me the truth if i ask him about it. I always can tell when his on it anyways!.

I think in your case though, your OH knows your not going to leave him so he will just carry on., you have said you wont leave him it just annoys you - fair play. But i think you just need to learn to accept it if thats your opinion, he wont change unless he wants to change - your not pushing him to change so in his eye's why should he?! He obviously enjoys that lifestyle and you dont kick up much of a fuss soo i dont know what you want to gain from it?

You can say he will never go out once you have children because people do still have social lives so no doubt he will still go out and i dont think having a child will particularly stop him doing it. The only person who can make this situation better for you is you. You either need to take a stand against and tell him he stops or gets help or your going to leave, or you just have to put up with it.

Sorry if that sounds harsh! xx xx

I am finding this thread quite confusing.

You say you dont like it, and won't put up with it, and are asking our advice on what to do about it but at the same time you say you will never leave him over it so I am struggling to see the point of the post ?

If you will never leave him over it then you just have to ignore it and get over it, what is the point in raising it with him (and causing a row as you have been snooping through his phone) and issuing him an ultimatum that you will never follow through with regardless of his actions ?

I appreciate its confusing thread. Put yourself in my shoes, you love your partner dearly but there is just 1 thing they do that you dislike. I don't see the outcome of me giving him an ultimatum being positive - i.e. he knows I won't walk out, and I won't, so what happens when he does do it - I've just let him walk over me again so to speak.

I just feel he should stop without an ultimatum.

Just because you feel he should stop without an ultimatum why does he have to think that?

You wont leave him so you either need to put up with it or leave him if it bothers you., youve asked him to stop before he clearly wont, so you need to sit him down and talk to him seriously about it, explain how much it upsets you and you would like him to stop doing it, if he doesnt then as youve said you wont leave your just going to have to put up with it im afraid chick xx xx

I'm with ForTheLoveOfMrsBrown on this - the deal breaker for me would be the lies and the fact my views had either not been taken into account or dismissed as irrelevant. Further down the line I would expect my husband to take more care over his own safety - any reckless behaviour (whether that be drunk, drugs, driving like an idiot, playing on train tracks etc) where it was more than just his life at stake would be an issue for me. If he felt that taking drugs, even just occasionally, and then lying to me about it was more important that his new family that would be it for me.

You have two choices.

1. Carry on as you are. Drugs are something that he likes (or needs) to do. You need to learn to live with it.

2. If you opposition is that strong then you need to make him realise that there is a consequence to his actions. If he will not listen to reason and understand that his behaviour upsets you then imo you have reached the end of the line. Marriage is about compromise and empty threats will just allow him to continue.

It's hard to think that you would leave your partner, especially somewhere like here where you mostly read about happiness and marriage and babies etc, but if you say you will never leave him, then you just have to accept any behaviour he decides to throw at you. Until he actually has a reason to stop, ie to stop you leaving, he won't bother changing his behaviour. Even if he knows it upsets you, he knows you won't do anything about it. Basically, you have to decide which is more important to you, keeping him and all the risks or getting away from the drugs and having the security that he won't get arrested or die.

TOTALLY AGREE!!

I was with someone exactly the same...even came in one night with it all still around his nose and still swore blind he'd not taken anything! He stole the mortgage money to pay for his addiction to drugs and alcohol. I left the filthy twunt and have never looked back and guess what....he is still doing it!!! We were together for 10yrs and it was 10yrs full of his bull ***. Sweetheart, he won't change. Once a druggy, always a druggy. And the lie ALL THE TIME!

Woah, I think that's a massive generalisation. I have every sympathy for your previous situation and I'm glad you removed yourself from it. But there is a gap between drug abuse and recreational drug use. Spending mortgage money indicates abuse. Snorting a line occasionally isn't even in the same ball park.

I know a handful of recreational users who don't lie about it (nor feel the need to), who have excellent jobs and mortgages and who you'd simply never think if of!

Sorry to sound harsh but I can't see what the dilemma is? You won't leave him and he won't change - so what's the dilemma? If he won't do anything and you won't - then surely the only option is to accept and carry on the way you are?

Any drug taking is a problem, no matter how small. I've seen it start out with the odd line and then end up in rehab. BUT this is like smoking, drinking etc. If you said to me you can never drink again i'd tell you to bugger off. I agree with everyone else that there's underlying issues - trust and respect

Exactly partners outlook on it.

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I wasn't generalising but this has been common in my eyes. It only has to start to regularly and then it becomes the norm and before you know it you are an addict and this relates not only to drugs but to smoking and alcohol.

Tiz my view from an unfortunate time in my life and it's a lot more common that people realise.

I do wish Kate luck with her situation and hope it works out for the best.

xx

I don't really know what to suggest. You won't leave, he won't stop, you would rather he didn't tell you he'd done it. Stop checking his phone?

This IS generalising! I've been drinking alcohol regularly most weekends since I was 16. I'm now 35, how long have I got until you'd class me as an addict and a liar?

This. Crappy situation for you but there really are only these two choices. Hope you feel a bit better for talking it out

Let's not get out of hand here, Cilla. I am not, of course, calling you or anyone a liar but merely stating that addiction forms easily when some people least expects it and not always do they know they are becoming an addict. I'm entitled to my point of view as indeed you are. I have lived through the hell of drug and alcohol addition and all the lies and violence that goes with it. Just wanted to point out that SOMETIMES things can spiral out of control.

I haven't read the whole thread so this is directly in response to the original post.

He's keeping his activities from you because he know's you don't like it. He doesn't want to be put in a situation where he has to explain himself and also doesn't want to be a disappointment to you. But he still wants to have control over his own life and how he lives it.

If he is out shooting smack or if it was a problem as in, he disappears for two days wakes up in a cell or similar then that's something to take control of and sort out.

I'm anti drugs, but before I became so I was there in my teens (growing your own mushrooms was amazing and frightening at the same time). I still know people who do it now but there are those who can control the habit or let it control them. Some don't have an addictive personality in that way and strictly use them to enhance a night out.

Pills (as in E's?) probably aren't as bad as Cocaine. I've heard of people lose everything over that powder. When I hear anyone has taken that stuff I'm like, fools.

There's no good drug overall mind you but I consider Coke, Smack, Meth the naaaasty stuff. If your man goes out and does Coke or a pill occassionally then it may be not something to be too worried about.

But drugs are bad kids. The above doesn't make it ok. If someones got established behaviour over a decade (as in this case) then often, managing the behaviour is a better approach than stopping it. (That's usually something they have to decide to do themselves).

I think drug use is a lot more common than a lot of people think, most of the people I know have dabbled a few times, some more regularly than others.

There are people that go out and get absolutely slaughtered every Friday and Saturday but it's not seen as a problem because its legal. I'd much rather my OH did a few lines once a month.

An ultimatum will only work if you will follow through which you have said you wont. I would tell him very seriously how it makes you feel and I would expect him to behave differently once you have children. The issue for me is the lying and the need to check his phone.

I agree with this completely. I feel your first post came across as a bit of a sweeping statement

I agree. Some people tend to immediately think the worst when they hear the word drugs & think 'leave him-cancel the wedding' because its drummed into us when we're growing up that they're the devil...i'm not suggesting they don't ever ruin peoples lives but some people, & your H2B sounds like one of them, really do just dabble recreationally....

......so this is something he does very occasionally with his friends on a night out, he doesn't think it's a problem so he probably doesn't tell you because he doesn't want to get told he's going to die or be put in prison over something that he feels in control of, you're probably better to talk to him & just tell him that it's not your thing but you love him & would rather be kept in the know as it's the thought of the secrets that are hurtful.

If you are planning to start a family he will grow out of it soon enough anyway....he won't be able to afford not to!

Once kids come along the only Mitsubishi's he'll go near are the ones with 4 wheels.

WSS. I would much prefer my oh to take a pill every now and then, rather than getting completely wasted on booze every week. I know alot of people that just dabble with drugs on occasion and are completely well rounded and successful people. It doesn't sound like he has a drug problem to me.

What everyone else is saying about the lying is true. It is the main problem. But you are choosing to be with him anyway. He wont change unless HE wants to. I think that you need to accept him as he is, or not be with him.

Right, I agree with those who say that it's perfectly possible to have a good job, a nice life and family, and occasionally dabble "for fun" on a night out. Doesn't make anyone an addict and it's pure chance that their substance of choice is illegal. Does anyone really think that if alcohol were discovered today it would be legal?!

This isn't about drugs though, is it?

It's about 2 issues - 1. wanting to change someone and 2. trust

I hated the fact my ex husband smoked. But more than that I hated the fact that he repeatedly told me he had given up, and thought I was stupid enough to believe him. He never stopped, but thought he was smoking in secret. Finding lighters in his jeans pockets, and his hair smelling of smoke was a bit of a giveaway. But even then he lied, and said he had been around smokers, and was "looking after a friend's lighter". I would plead with him just to be honest with me. I would far, far rather he fronted up to me and said "right, I smoke. it's what I do. I've smoked since before you knew me and I don't want to give up". It's NOT reasonable to expect someone to change if they don't want to, especially if it's sthg they've done since before you knew them. In my case we were both at fault - me for trying to change him, him for skulking around like a child, lying and making false promises.

You need to talk to him when you are both calm and sober. Make it known that you know what he's doing, and explain your position. Ask if realistically he is ever going to stop, and if he says no, give him credit for his honesty. However, then you have to decide what to do. He has made his position clear, and it's up to you how to react. You can't continually criticise him for doing sthg that he's now being honest about, when as I said, it's what he did when you met him, when you fell in love. It's part of him, and if you can't accept it, then you have to leave.

Have you tried writing down how you feel? Often when people start to talk about things it ends up in arguments and it's difficult to get your point across. Also you don't get to say everything you want. Do you think he would read an email explaining how you feel??

But it's not just one thing though is it? Ok, your original issue is the drug taking but there are other (IMO, worse) issues which stem from it. He knows how you feel about it yet he continues to do it and he lies to you about it when confronted.

Occassional drug taking wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me, I would hate it and it would no doubt cause rows between us but what I absolutely couldn't stand is him going out and doing it anyway despite knowing how I feel, coming home wrecked and then lying to me about it.