Prompted by another thread - how could we work this?

Would it be possible to have a garden party with close family and friends who will understand her situation? Maybe like an after party after your honey moon? (you could wear your dress again then too) You could all chip in on some catering or BBQ and bring own drink, set up a small awning/marquee and music playlist from an ipod. If you have a relative with a garden space big enough, this could work maybe? Does the home she's in have some grounds to do this?

Hi

Could you set up a webcam so she can watch it? Bit strange I know but I have heard of people doing this for family members who could not come.

Alternatively perhaps you could have a meal at a restaurant nearby like a wedding breakfast and not mention the ceremony.

Failing that you could have a false ceremony which isn't anything legal where you say your vows again...

I really like Stoice's idea of having it as a party when you return from honeymoon in your outfits. Maybe your FI and his family could organise it near him or at home (so she wont get sick) as a "Welcome to our Family" clebration so that the celebration has a purpose for being linked to wedding in outfits etc?

Thanks for replying girls. Its difficult, because she can't concentrate for long she wouldn't be able to follow it on screen, and if she did have a lucid moment, she would wonder why she wasnt there and it would upset her. I don't know why, but in my head she's more likely to remember whatever we do if we're wearing our wedding gear, so it might not even matter what we do - we could just turn up at her home and see her wearing all the clobber! But that doesnt help OH with his feelings of wanting his mum to see him get married, even if she doesnt remember it afterwards....

So hard, and I'm really sad for him.

Yes, we could do something like this, though it would be a small party. OH parents are separated, and as a result of years of mental health issues, OH's mum is estranged from most people that used to be in her life. There aren't many that would/could come. OH's brother and family, and an aunt who's been really good is probably all we could rustle up. I don't really think we could have this as a social event. if we did it it could only be go to ceremony, watch ceremony, go home.

Just a thought, could you video the ceremony then watch it with her afterwards? That way she doesn't need to travel anywhere and you can time it when she is having a good day. Maybe take along some cake & bubbly?

How about the two of you, in your dress and suit have an afternoon together with her? Maybe over some food using your table centre pieces if the restaurant would let you, or set up a table for three in her home with all the trimmings, or even a picnic. Then arrange a pro TOG for an hour to take pictures of the three of you. On a clear day she'll remember your dinner together and on a bad day you can point at her photos and jog her memory.

This is a really lovely idea stoice and it could work. I like the idea of her having some photos to look at - she has lots of her family in her room and it would be a good way of helping her to remember on bad days. Thanks very much.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

Hi GinaB. Yes, I might look into this too - I didnt think about this as it might only be 2 months after the wedding, but we could either renew our vows or have a non-religious blessing - I didnt realise there was so much choice out there!

Thanks!

She might be able to if it was really really close. We might even be able to get someone to come to the home..... I'll have to look into it.

Have you thought about having a small humanist ceremony after your wedding that she could come to? You can book a celebrant on a site like this one https://humanists.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-weddings/. They'd be able to go to the home as well and you could have it there so long as there's a room you could use

Ali x

Hi Ali, thanks for this - a short ceremony at the home would be ideal. Will definitely check this website out.

I really feel for you both. My mum passed away several years ago, and it's been quite emotional knowing she won't be there, but in a way it's harder when they are alive but unable to come.

I can understand what you're saying about the fact that probably wearing your wedding outfits is the most important element, because she will immediately relate to that and understand that it's a wedding...

I also wouldn't rule out the idea of some sort of 'blessing' - if you felt comfortable with it, that is. You may well find a local minister or vicar from a local church, who would only too pleased to come along wherever and lead a short blessing, where he/she says a few words, prays for you etc, and that would be lovely for your mum who would probably think that was the actual wedding. I could probably find some friendly local ministers for you if you wanted to go down that track - just send me a PM.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

My Mum was in a home with dementia and quite often when it was a family happening for one of the residents, the staff went out of their way to 'make it happen' for them by way of a small tea party, cake and having their room decorated so they could participate in some way and then they would take photos of everyone. A lot of people with dementia are frightened by people they don't know so having a photographer could be a bit too stressful but obviously you know your OH's Mum best. Could you maybe nip out at some point after the reception to the home and see her for an hour while other guests at the wedding are chatting/mingling etc and then come back? Or maybe the next morning? I would have a word with the Manager of the home as I'm sure she will be able to come up with a plan for your OH's Mum.

Thanks all, I spoke to OH last night as I don't think either of us had considered doing something extra up north would be a possibility, so we hadnt talked about it before and he was really taken with the idea. I think he was happier knowing she would be involved in some way and so we'll sort out the details in the New Year.

As she's in the Wirral and we live in the South, which is also where the wedding is, its hard for him to see her as often as he would like and I think there's immense guilt there. Hopefully this will ease some of it surrounding the wedding for him.

Thanks again all, much appreciated.

This is really sad, I really feel for you. My nan has pretty severe dementia too and after my Grandad died earlier this year (he cared for her) we weren't sure if she would be able to make the wedding. She can barely remember my name and always refers to me as my sister, has no idea whats going on around her most the time, but for some reason she remembered that there was going to be a wedding - it's strange how some things are remembered clearly but most things not at all!

She spent the days before crying that she didn't want to come but felt she had to go, so I felt really horrible and didn't know what to do. In the end it was decided she would come just for the ceremony and see how it went, and she absolutely loved it. The day cheered her up which actually helped her mentality for the day and she ended up staying hours and really enjoying herself. She can't really remember it now (although she does know that she went) but it is a fond memory of hers, I think she associates the thought of my wedidng with the happiness she felt that day which has given her a good memory of it even though she can't remember it, if you see what I mean.

Sorry I know this hasn't been much help, just wanted to explain my similar situation in case it helps. His mum might not have a clue what's going on but if you made the effort to maybe repeat your vows in front of her (unofficially) and some close family, in your wedding clothes, and maybe had a meal together after, it might just stick in her mind, or at least create some sort of happy memory when she hears about her sons wedding. You never know. The sad thing is remembering the person they used to be and knowing how devastated they would be if they had missed the wedding, that's how i felt about my nan, and I'm so glad she did come. Hope you manage to find a solution for your wedding xxx

We were in a slightly similiar situation. We were going to get married in Florida, just because it was easy and we love the place. We knew our parents wouldn't come; my mum has multiple sclerosis, and his mum has various illnesses. We were one step away from booking it, I just couldn't do it! I know my mum gets so tired so easily, but i couldn't imagine getting married without her with me. So we've gone for a venue in the UK, and we're finally happy with it.

You could do a second reception. Wherever your OH's mum lives, have it near her, maybe in her house or in her garden. Or you could visit her in your wedding dress/suits and have a little bit of a get together with her. Take some pictures, that way she has permenant memories.

I've just written all this, and have then read your bottom paragraph.. Sorry!!

Dementia is devastating isn't it?

My Nan suffered with it too and we were considering everything mentioned in this thread. Even considered hiring a carer to come with her to the church so no one family member had to be with her for every second. Or a blessing at her home with a photographer if she was too frail. But after several falls and further complications, she died a month before her 90th birthday earlier this year. When we first told her we were getting married she was very excited and kept asking about my dress (When she remembered who i was on a clear day). She could even remember her own wedding day and every one who attended, but then in the next breath would ask me for the fifth time if I'd like a cup of tea. After she died, my mum passed me a cheque from Nana (well technically my mum wrote it) to go towards the dress as it's what she would've wanted. It makes me teary even now so not sure how I'm going to manage on the day. I'm going to have her wedding ring and a locket with a photo of her on my bouquet on the day so she's still there with me.

This is my nan exactly! She can tell me everything about her wedding, her kids growing up, etc, but then she'll ask me the same questions so many times over. It's such a terrible illness and heartbreaking.

That's lovely that your nan has paid for your dress, I got tearful just reading that as it reminds me of my Grandad, he gave us money towards the wedding and he told me he promised to live til his 88th birthday the week after the wedding as he didn't want to miss it, but sadly he died 6 months ago. He was there in spirit though and was mentioned in my dads speech, it was lovely. Tearing up again now!!