Questions for those that dont have or dont want childen

See I don't like children and therefore don't want to have my own. And yes I'm sure I would like my own but I also like my current lifestyle with nice holidays and a sports car!

1. No I don't think I'll change my mind and am currently considering contraceptive implants or being steralised (I'm 33).

2. Yes all the time and more from people who don't know me or my H very well e.g. work colleagues than my Mum/sister and close old friends who accepted it a long time ago! Quite rude really as I don't critisise their choice to have kids!

1. H has just turned 40 and it's my 40th next year and I was 26 when we met so I think the time for worrying about it being too late has probably past! H had a vasectomy a couple of years ago so now it's not even a consideration.

2. I don't give a damn whether people judge me and they certainly don't criticise me. We got a lot of "oh you will" comments when we were first married and we just stood our ground and said "no, we won't" and have proved ourselves as the years have gone by.

I have never wanted children, and my H was not bothered. People never really put us under any pressure or made any comments.

However, when I was 36 we had a baby and all is ok.

You might be wondering why I am replying to you, but it is to say that if you feel like I do that children are really neither here nor there then it actually is ok not to have them.

With hindsight I can truly say that if I didn't have my child now, my life would still have been fab. As it is, life is still great, no better and no worse, but just different.

My H really still doesn't get the whole children thing as much as he loves her to bits. He can't actually see the benefits they bring!

I never felt broody at all up to having a child. Now I get terribly broody, but I am able to understand that this is a purely chemical / biological happening and that I really don't want another child.

So really, my reply is just to say, that if you are not feeling absolutely desperate for a child then I don't think you will regret not having them.

Like I say life is fab with or without them.

1. Yes, a bit, but I/we will deal with that if it happens, which isn't looking likely atm. I think I might miss having a family and growing-up children, but I'm not sure that overcoming my aversion to babies would be worth it.

2. Not at all. I think comments like that are incredibly rude and pushy, and no one had made them to us.

1. no. we have a lot of reasons, and its well thought out, if my biological clock did start to tick it wouldn't make a difference to most of those reasons.

2. yes they do. But they don't know me, and no-one knows our reasons apart from us. People can judge all they like but we know we've put more thought into deciding not to have children than a lot of people do into having them. I do get upset when people assume I hate children or have no interest - totally untrue (Zebra even left me alone with hers ?). I'll be an active member of a society that cares for children but we won't be parents.

1. No.

2 Constantly.

To elaborate we have both never wanted children but everyone tells us we will change our minds. To be precise they say I will change my mind and H will have to chose to leave or have children. I find this incredibly patronising but hey, since when did my opinion count - I'm GOING to change my mind and I'm the only one who can't see this!

I have seen many of our friends change their minds but to be honest I feel I could see that most of them said no when they meant I can't see when it would be right. People also don't understand that I'm of the opinion that I at least could not feel I was a good mother and good at my job as I wouldn't be willing to compromise on either of these and would always feel I was missing something. I've yet to see a person who hasn't had to compromise in some way when they've had a child no matter how much they claim otherwise.

I think in some ways your decision is harder for people to understand than mine. You obviously would like children but have activly decided not to have them rather than me who just never wanted them.

1. Probably past that point.

2. Couldn't give a toss.

I am in a (scarily) similar situation to you.

Its so hard knowing that at some point the decision will be totally out of your hands but for now it is the right one for us. I think if my life had panned out differently then I may well have ended up a mother but now complications have arisen and it seems very unliikely I would be able to have children without lots of medical help. Its not something I want badly enough to put myself through all that crap.

If I happened to fall pregnant then I think we would be happy but its not a plan for us. I do think people judge us for it but I can accept that and feel secure enough in my own mind. I don't dislike children, I dislike the effect they'll have on my life.

Thanks for all replies, some good points and I knew it would be a good question to put on here!

We are pretty much being judged at the moment as we are saying that we are not interested. I just make a joke of it saying I have 2 dogs why would I possibly want children, I cant leave a child at home while we go to work, and these dogs are my children.

I just dont think also that I could sit at home with a screaming baby. I love my weekends where I sleep in and then spend a few hours at my allotment. We are busy people anyway, I just think a kid would get in the way.

I also feel guilty for not wanting children as my dad is very ill and has always wanted grand children, but then I think that I really dont want to have children, just because my dad would like a grand child. I have 2 brothers, and 1 cant have kids, and the other one isnt interested, plus there is a possibility his girlfriend cant have children, so a no go there either.

All this hassle, and I dont even have kids! ?

One of my sisters can't have children and does want them - my mum said "its a pity its not you" which is nice, but my parents are really good now and would be worried if we did get pregnant!!

it took a few years for us to grow confident enough in our decision not to be bothered about the comments we got, and i think realistically only in the past 2 years i've not felt offended or the need to try and think up a smart comment. now if people ask i will tell them that we won't be having children and not feel the need to justify it.

Well H has said he doesnt want to be an old dad, and that within the next 5 years or so he will have the snip, which scares me in one way as that to me does make it so final.

firstly, i think i feel a little nervous that husband is having a vasectomy next year, even though i know we won't have children, so i think what you are feeling there is normal.

however your post above is all about your H's plans about having children rather than you as a couple, that concerns me and i worry that your original post and the subsequent ones about how he feels may indicate that your mind isn't totally made up - especially as you mention adoption. there's no shame in wanting children, not wanting children or being undecided.

I do sometimes wonder if I'll want them when it's too late, but I'll deal with that if and when it happens.

We don't get judged as such. Probably the fact that we aren't married has a lot to do with it.

And I do feel guilty for not wanting them. Dad wants grandchildren badly, and I'd love him to have them, but not if it means I have to have children. He's actually becoming quite bitter and snippy about it, which puts a strain on our relationship.

WLS

Having the snip is so final, make sure you've made that decision together. I know its a tough one but if there is any doubt in your mind at all then hold off for a while.

We both agreed that neither of us wanted children when we first met, and reiterrated that after we got married..

H keeps talking baout getting a vasectomy and keeps saying to me when we see friends with kids 'dont think about having one'

Though in the last few months I have been thinking about kids (not sure why / how etc)

I was babysitting a friends 14 month old on sunday and loved it which I didnt think I would - sort of got volunteered for it

I dont want children but I do and Im not sure where that leaves us

We havent had any comments about when are we having yet though which has suprised me as I was sort of expecting it after we got married

I've known since I was about 14 or 15 that I didn't want to have children and when things got serious with my (now) H, I had to put him in the terrible position of deciding whether to stay with me and remain childfree or leave before it got too hard to leave and find someone to have children with. He obviously chose me. I did wonder for a while if I would change my mind but I think that was because people kept saying "you'll change your mind". I knew deep, deep down that that was very unlikely.

For a couple of years after we married people kept asking about children and telling me I would change my mind. This has worn off. I get the occasional person asking if I have kids, usually as a conversation starter and I just tell them, "no I have dogs" (not that my dogs are my children) as an end to that conversation.

Like others I have put an awful lot of thought into my choice to remain childfree (even though my no children feelings have always been very strong, I have thought long and hard about this for a very long time) - probably much more than many do when making the decision to have children. I really can't see the point of having children!

I'm lucky that I have very strong views about it, it must be difficult to be in your position. All I can suggest is talking and talking about it with your H.

Just to say that I was utterly ambivilent about having kids leaning towards not wanting them but OH was keen. I said he'd have to marry me if he wanted kids....we got married, Mr. Commitment Phobe called my bluff.

I still didn't fret, I had bad PCOS and was told it would take 2 yrs of so to conceive and we had a lovely lifestyle. I did come off the pill but didn't think anything would happen....I was in fact upduffed before the wedding and now am happily mum to 3.

I have no idea how I'd have felt if things hadn't happened so fast or at all, but I never had any maternal instincts up until I was actually holding child no.1. I cannot begin to explain the desperation I subsequently had to have a second chld (I got twins second time round) and now I'd happily have more if OH hadn't vetoed it.

...not sure how helpful my post is really...sorry

I have never wanted children, and neither has my OH. We both knew this is what we wanted and after 5 years together he had a vasectomy. We have been together 9 years now and no regrets.

My brother and sister both now have children, and SIL has one on the way, but neither of us have ever waivered from our decision. We love out neices and nephews to bits, and I love other people's children but I have never wanted any of my own.

Do we get judged - yes and no. We initially got a lot of comments from family, until OH had the snip - MIL still says we could have it reversed, she doesn't understand that we just don't want children of our own.

We have friends that begrudge the fact that we have lovely holidays, drive non child friendly cars, etc. But that's our choice, and theirs was to have children, so I think this is their problem not ours.

TBH now we don't worry what people think. It used to annoy me because everyone kept telling us we'd change our minds, and there was a lot of pressure - none of this I felt was fair, this was our choice and they should respect.

Not sure if any of this helps really ?

Not sure I can add anything really, but I'm replying as I don't have children. I'm not sure I can have them either as I have endometriosis. I found out when I was 21 and in the second year of my degree so I've sort of always known I won't have them.

Yes I do worry I might change my mind when it's too late. It probably is already TBH. I'm nearly 32 and am starting a new job in the new year, so we can't have one now or in the near future. But there's always an excuse I find if you don't really want one! My field-based job has been my excuse for the last 2 years.

I ignore the comments now. I did get quite upset with some drunk woman in the pub a while ago telling me that we should do and who did we think we were etc, but I think most people assume that by now (married 4 years) that we can't have them, or don't want to. Either way, it's none of their business.

And no, you're not strange ? If you're happy the two of you and your dog, enjoy it.

Thanks to everyone for all the comments, they have made me relise that I am not that strange! ?

We do get the comments from friends and family that we might chnage our minds, but I dont think that we will.

When I spend time with my cousin who has 2 boys under 2, I look at how knackered she is, and to be honest how knackered I am when I come out of there and just dont think I could handle it.

I used to say when I was about 16, that I was too young and too selfish to have kids, and now you guys have made me relise that there is nothing wrong with that.

I just dont feel natural around children, I never know what to say or do, and I dont think that helps.

My husband had been married before and had a son, and was adamant that he did not want any more children, as it was heartbreaking for him when he had to leave the family home (not his doing) and not being able to live with his son, even though he saw him at every opportunity, many times a week, He felt he could never go through that again.

I was happy with this as I never felt very maternal - loved my nieces to pieces, but couldn't see myself as being a mum.

We bought a house, a new build 2 bed, fine for a couple and for my stepson to stay every weekend,but not really a "family" house, and love it, and loved our life. I was a "part time" mum to my stepson who was about 6 at the time we met, and life was good.

Then I had an unplanned pregnancy. We were both very shocked, and did not know how we felt. Neither of us believe in abortion, so we planned to go ahead. On my six week scan, we were told the sac was empty and I would have a miscarriage within the week. This shook us up even more and we then realised having a baby wasn't the end of the world.

Luckily the scan the following week showed a baby was there, and we now have a heathy beautiful 10 year old son that we both adore! - in fact he and my husband are inseperable!!! My son and stepson also love each other to bits and are best friends.

We got lots of "when are you having another one" but we don't want another. I can't understand why some people think that if you have one, you automatically want more?! We also get asked when we will move to a "family" home with more room, but we love our house and don't want to! .....people, leave us alone - we are happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with everything CBH has said. I LOVE kids and am happy to be the benevolent and indulgent aunty, but have NO intention of having my own. And if people judge me for that then frankly that is not my problem.

I have never wanted children, although H used to. I don't worry that I'll change my mind, I just don't see it happening. To my mind it is already to late as H is a bit older than me and I think too old for starting a family. I worry far more that I might actually GET pregnant. That thought terrifies me, I don't know what I would do.

I don;t think people judge us - people who know us I think respect our views. People who don't know us, well, who gives a toss what they think? I don't think other people's opinions should make any difference on this subject.

L
xx

I've never wanted children - not since I realised it wasn't compulsory! Friends and family sort of assumed I'd change my mind. I even was asked by my Dad (who didn't want children and doesn't like babies but went along with mum because she did) if I was sure I wouldn't regret not having them. I wonder if maybe I should have - I was 40 this year and I think thats too late - but we like our life as it is and having children would change it (not better or worse, just different). I think if I wanted them enough, I could persuade H but he isn't bothered really. People who don't know me well ask if I will have them - particularly as I was made redundant and wasn't working. I get slightly irritated that I say I'm too old to have them (as people with children don't seem to get that not everyone wants them) but everyone knows someone who had a child in their 40's so think its not a problem. People who know me, don't ask. We have several friends who don't have children. One couple I know will do their best to have them (but they already know that there might be problems). Another two couples don't have them and, as far as I know, never will. Not being the only childless couple helps.

I do think its something that you need to reevaluate from time to time to make sure that the decision to be childless is a conscious one and not something that you live to regret as you only realise you want them once its too late.

Neither OH or I want children, I'm 35 and he's 31. I can't imagine those feelings changing, we like our 'do as we please' lifestyle too much. OH also thinks there's enough people on the planet as there is.

I can't remember ever having had maternal feelings - I really don't know what to do with babies/children. You know when there's a baby on the bus/in the supermarket queue/etc and someone starts cooing and making baby noises to them - I just think eh? I totally don't get it.

Both my Mum and OH's Mum would LOVE to be grannies. But they haven't tried to change our minds and realise that they'll just have to make the most of their siblings grandchildren. OH is an only child, and my sister is even less of a fan of children than me!

People in our families that we see often seem to understand that we've made our decision and won't be changing our minds. Odd cousins and suchlike that we see once a year at Christmas are more the "you'll change your mind" brigade. Whenever it's been the topic of conversation at work I've made our feelings very clear, so I was rather suprised to be told that a colleague said he thought I would be next to get pregnant.

1. No I don't worry. I'm strong in my beliefs, if I change my mind and have any regrets I'd rather regret the lack of a child than regretting ever having them - I've seen parents for whom this is the case, and it's awful. Marriages breaking up due to the stress, miserable marriages where both stay "for the kids" etc - nasty stuff.

2. All the time. But I consider that our reasons for not having children are far far FAR more considered, and discussed to death, and defended, than the lack of thought that your average parent puts into creating another life. I have several reasons why we don't - and should not - have children - some very personal and some stereotypical - I find it's easier to defend against relatives' and strangers' questionning with the latter category i.e. environmental reasons plus "we like lie-ins" - it's easier for some people, especially those with kids in my experience, to digest the complex reasoning behind not having children if they can reassure themselves that it can be summed up in one or two sentences.

If you ever feel like being amongst childfree individuals I would recommend hanging out on the childfree.net mailing list for a while. It was the first place where I really truly heard the message that "it's ok to not want kids", having come from a family where this attitude is not really understood or respected.

I think I could have written a lot of what you said for my case.

I am like you also, I dont know what to do with kids. When I hold a baby I suddenly feel like there is a massive light on me and feel really self conscious, and feel that everyone around me is waiting for me to suddenly mess up, so I normally hold the baby for 2 mins and hand it back.

I feel gthe same when you said about people cooing over kids, I think I would be more worried about making myself look like a tw@t. ?

Also my H grandmother would love us to have kids as she misses not seeing his children. My parents would cry with happiness if I feel pregnant, but I just dont want to do it for other people jst to make them happy. I feel though because I am the married one out of the 3 of us , and because I am female, that I almost have to have kids. This isn't from pressure from my family, I just feel like it is almost expected.

I'm 43 now and have never wanted children since I actually stopped and really thought about what that decision would mean

H has never wanted them (he had the snip long before I met him) and the majority of our friends we socialise with are childfree

As a (now) only child, my mother occasionally makes remarks about how she would have liked grandchildren and has labelled me as a "career woman" as if that were the only option other than motherhood. She doesn't seem/want to understand that I simply don't like children and have never felt a moment's broodiness in my life

I actually think it's much harder to be in the "unsure" position as you might always feel that you made the wrong choice - but it's not like you can have children on "sale or return"! It's also not one where you can sit down and write a lis of pros and cons to make an informed choice as it's a lifetime commitment you're making, not a house you can sell on if you don't like it or want to change

I hope you make the choice that's right for you and your OH

I am in a slightly different boat to you but hope this might be useful anyhow. I did want kids in my 20s, but by the time I met and married H I had no real urge anymore. We tried more on the logical grounds that we'd be sorry in the long run if we didn't. I had my daughter at 36.

She is a joy and a delight and also damned hard work. Our own lives have to some extent gone on hold for the forseeable, because things need to revolve around her. (We were the 'she'll just fit in with us' group, but it just doesn't work like that for us, in our situation, with a non sleeping live wire who needs me more than I ever imagined.)

It was pretty much that it took having a baby for me to realise you don't have to. And so I am always admiring of those who can realise this before the event ?

(However I am now holding on to the idea that you don't have to have more than one either ?)

People can be very rude; even when I was single and had no children I was asked if that was because I didn't like them! And an elderly family friend told me my sister was 'lapping me' and I should get a move on!

Anyhow I digress...

"No-one else has to live your life". Enjoy the freedom of not having them now. If you do decide to try, enjoy the giggles and little hands [and blank out the mad sleeplessness and loss of decent employment and urge to throw a brick at Cbeebies].

I just started reading this thread to be nosey but I didn't want children in my teens/20s and I had just come around to the idea when fell pregnant by accident. I think being a parent is fine and dandy and having children is rewarding and good fun but I'm definitely NOT one of those parents who thinks it's the only option and can't imagine why people would be without...

And I can confirm that childfree does not mean childhate - Legless is splendid with Rhys and has a finer a grasp of toddler mind dynamics than some parents I know. ?

1, Do you worry that you might change your mind when it gets to late to have them?

Nope, Ive never ever wanted children (I dont really like them) and Mr WT feels the same way too (luckily) Im 35 and Mr WT is 37 and the older we get the less we like them or want them. If I could have a hysterectomy tomoorw then Id have no hesitation. So no, I know we wont change our minds. We love our lifestyle way too much, and children would ruin it. I also have a very deep seated phobia about having something alien growing inside me, so pregnancy is a huge no-no.

2, Do people ever judge you for not wanting or having children?

Yes, they do and like others on this thread have said, we have had numerous people say 'oh youll change your mind', Erm no we wont and we are totally sane and can make our own decisions thank you very much. These people tend to be those that dont know us personally, friends and family all know that we wont be procreating. As someone else said, we have put much more thought into our decision not to have children than a lot people put into having them.

I'm being nosey to. I'm a parent from the school of thought that its not for everyone, I was the last of some of my friends (at thirty I might add) to have a baby and had many converstations with people about why we hadn't started. I think if you don't have children there are other nices things in life you can have, for example lots of our friends are Dive Instructors(as are we) and have up to 5 or 6 exoctic holidays a year and have progressed further and further in there careers.

Can I ask you Zebra if when people find out that R was an accident if you think they believe you?

My little girl was an accident, ideally she would of come along four years later. However when people ask me when I will be having another baby and I say that I am not ready, I really don't want another yet, the first was a bit of an accident..... they look at me like they don't believe me.