ramble, trying to get my head straight - update

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It does sound like you had a tough childhood which is bound to have left its scars. I am sure you are not repellant in any way! Perhaps though, because of your past, you are more insecure than you would be if you had had a "normal" upbringing, so you are more sensitive to things (such as not being invited on a night out for instance). Although, it is not nice to be excluded so perhaps that was a bad example, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

I am no expert, but it sounds as if some counselling of some sort may be beneficial to you?

I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, but I hope you find what you need to make you feel settled and happy. ?

thanks, emelia.

it's not so much the being left out that worries me as the fact that most people i know seem to chat and form friendships so easily, and retain their old ones too. i don't have a single friend anymore. i had 2 and one stopped talking to me after going back to an abusive relationship and the other has stopped responding to my texts - i think she's changed her number and didn't bother to tell me, which shows what she thinks of me.

that sort of thing happens to me quite a lot - i had what i thought was a close friend stand me up and never contact me again.

and although i've made some acquaintances at uni i've only been there one year so i don't have anyone i could really confide in. and some people in my class (and in college last year) have been quite hostile to me, and i don't know why.

i don't really see what good counselling would do, as i hate rehashing my past and getting all upset. i don't think that achieves anything, when what i really need are the kinds of social skills other people have and i clearly don't.

i have practiced making small talk, smiling and making eye contact, making sure quiet people are not left out in groups, asking people about themselves, offering help where appropriate, accepting offers of nights out, keeping in touch. i can't force people to like me and i accept that not everyone will, but i just always feel like a square peg in a round hole.

I know making friends can be difficult, especially when you are older. I am almost 38 and moved to a completely new area 6 years ago. It is only now that I have a circle of friends. I would describe them as transient friends though and there is only one who I can imagine keeping in touch with long term should I move away.

Are the people at uni the same age as you or are you a lot older?

Have you done the usual trick of joining a club of some sort so that you are meeting people who have a similar interest to you? Starting a hobby, or taking up a team sport?

I really can't think why people would deliberately avoid you as it sounds as if you are doing all the right things.

If you are anywhere near Southampton or Portsmouth, I would be happy to meet up for a coffee or something?

there's a wide age range in the class, with most being 30 plus. so the younger ones are into going out and partying, and the older ones all have partners and families and friends already. i'm not sporty at all, and between uni and being a single parent i don't have the time or the money for classes or hobbies.

i'm at a loss about whether my relationship is crap or i'm being too demanding or he's being an arse. should i be able to tell someone if i'm pissed off and expect sympathy? he likes to be alone when he's down and feels i should do the same and not burden him with it. but just because i want to do it different can't mean i'm doing it wrong. or does it? i haven't got the faintest idea. i find all this stuff so confusing and hard to articulate but i do try and then he says i'm being miserable and making him miserable too.

I think it is reasonable to expect to be able to tell your partner if you are feeling down. I tell my husband, but he doesn't appreciate that sometimes I just want to moan but he starts telling me what I should do to resolve the problem and setting me goals which annoys me further!

So, it is reasonable to expect to tell them you are down, but don't necessarliy expect them to sympathise or understand. In my experience anyway.

He seems to be making out that all you do is moan. Is this the case?!

How old is your child? I have more friends here since having children than I ever did before. In fact, all my friends locally have been met through my children. I am guessing your child must be older, so no chance of meeting people at toddler groups etc.

You sound like a nice person. I feel a bit useless - wish I knew the answers for you.

First a huge ?

Secondly, I think I know a little of where you are coming from. My background is rather different but includes a lot of emotional abuse, isolatio, lots of rejection in one form or another, criticism and vitriol, interspersed with undiagnosed childhood depression (my family didn't believe in depression so I was criticised for that, too). So perhaps I can just talk about my own experiences and this may help?

I find it easy enough to make friends but harder to keep them. I think I didn't learn how to form relationships when I was younger and now I don't know what the form is when chatting to people. I suspect I'm a bit too intense for people - I tend to be doing rather serious life analysis when perhaps all they want is a drink and a giggle. I think that even comes across on here sometimes.

Also, when I was younger, I tended to assume that people were more 'sorted', more confident, more 'normal' than me and this led me to drive them away somehow.

I'm much better these days and there are some reasons for this. I did do the counselling thing. I've had some of the classic 'examine your childhood' thing which was interesting didn't bring me on a long way. I also had some CBT counselling which was much more useful as it gave me some tools on how to rethink experiences and see them from a different viewpoint.

Another reason was meeting my H. This man is wonderful and understanding and has been a huge support, even though he doesn't actually know the details of my background. I've also learned a lot from him about social interaction.

A book you might find useful is 'get out of your mind and into your life' by Stephen Hayes.

Please do PM me if you'd like to talk some more about this- I really do see the similarities in the situations you are describing. ?

I am off to bed now, so take care.

Feel free to PM me if you need an ear. ?

thanks zippy and emelia x

i think i'm too intense too, and it weirds people out. i think that's why i'm experiencing hostility. i've always been well read and articulate and that aggravates everyone too.

a big part of the problem, i feel, is that so much socialising revolves around alcohol and i don't drink.

i also have stomach problems which are a leftover from constantly feeling sick with fear and anxiety as a child, so it's a constant reminder. that also makes me feel really down as i get quite a bit of pain, and prevents me from doing exercise which makes me feel worse.

i just spoke to my oh and he says everything's fine, he just wanted some space. but everything's not fine with me, i feel completely unloved and unloveable and like i have to hide my feelings from him.

bouncing this as my update didn't seem to work properly.

How about some self-help books? There's one called "Healing the Child Within" by Charles Whitfield which might be a start..... But (and I hope I'm not being a complete divvie and missed any answers):

you didn't say whereabouts you were;

how old your child is.

I do think that some sort of counselling might be a good idea - you might not want to get all upset at bringing stuff up, but you're all upset anyway. It might help you a little, just to get an outsider's point of view. But have a ?

i'm in glasgow and my children are 14 and 17.

i'm not averse to counselling if it is practical but i really don't want to talk about my childhood and how crap it was as i've done that before and it really didn't help, and in fact made me feel worse.

in a way i'm glad my oh is being such a dick as it's making a decision much easier.