Rant!

I would ask him who he would like to bump in order to accommodate having his uncle & family and tell him he needs to call them to uninvite them. He might change his mind then.

Stupid boys.

Hahaha, this! Be firm, explain the numbers are done now and that if he takes it upon himself to invite people he will have to uninvite them or they'll be turned away on the day. Weddings make people crazy

You could tell him (again!) about space and numbers. then say you could put them on a 'reserve list' just in case it turned out you could accommodate them. then bin 'reserve list'.....

completely understand why you are upset, people dont seem to understand that things arent always about money.

I think you're doing the right thing. He's being unreasonable. You should be able to stop this by being firm with a no! If he doesn't understand no then you're going to have to ask him straight out of he has invited these people. Get names & contact details and then tell him he needs to un-invite them or you will. Say you wouldn't want to cause him the embarrassment of people being turned away on the day.

I tried to give a firm no. He's now refusing to come to come to wedding unless they are invited and has cancelled our plans this weekend (its OH birthday).

Why is organising a wedding so stressful!

The stubborn part of me, would tell him to bog off & if he was going to start making ultimatums/emotionally blackmailing like that then there won't be a wedding for him to refuse to show up to. however, i very much doubt that is the best way of managing it. He is in effect being very unreasonable and throwing his toys out of the pram.

If it were me, i would sit down with him & have a chat about why he wants them to come and why it's been left to the 11th hour to bring it up. I I would sit down with him & explain how & why it won't work. if you can make a compromise ( & i mean both of you), do so because in the grand scheme of things it's probably not worth falling out over.

I would also let him now how upset & frustrated by his change of heart you are because preumably you both agreed on the guest list some time ago.

Don't give in to him. This is childish and emotional blackmail. Get your OH to make a comment along the lines of 'I'm really sorry you won't be there to see us get married. i hope you won't regret it in the future because I know I'll always remember it'. Then give him a final deadline for his rsvp and make it clear after that date HE won't be able to be added to the numbers. Then leave him to it. If you allow him to manipulate you this time it will set a pattern for your entire marriage.

Urgh, sounds like your FFIL has been hit full on with wedding crazy! Tell him that you will keep his place, but you cannot add people in as the venue isn't licensed for that many, and that you're sorry but if they were so important they should have been mentioned at the beginning and not at the end! Your wedding is not a good excuse to have a family reunion or earn brownie points with your girlfriend! I hope he grows up in time to see his son get married

I totally understand where you are coming from and why it has upset you.

My FMIL and FFIL sat down with myself and OH after all our invites had been sent to request that we invite 2 of their family friends due to the fact that they had been invited to 2 of their family weddings within the previous couple of years. They said that they would cover the cost of them and that it meant a lot to them.

They asked us this at a family meal, where other people were also sat, which made it hard for me to say no as I didn't want to seem unreasonable. My OH agreed straight away but I was actually very upset about it.

There are some people that we couldn't invite who are very close family on my side, due to the fact that my mum's side of the family is enormous, but if FFIL and FMIL want to give us money towards the wedding, there are plenty of other people that I'd like to include before 2 people I have never met.

I think you should stick to your guns. This isn't about money, it's about the principle. I really wish I could go back in time and say "no", it's one of my only regrets.

Thank you all for advice. I just dnt know what to do anymore.

OH was very recently (3week ago) diagnosed with depression and currently tring out new medicaiton. We went away for a night (OH birthday ) i had it booked for months. Whole thing was just a disaster. He didnt want to do anythign and moaned the entire trip. Then we got fighting. He agreed those 2 were nothign to him but if they were important to his dad they should come. He said it wast fair we didnt get equal numbers - he said didnt want to add anyone else and he said I should disinvite some of my family to make it fair. Part of me thinks it was depression/new medication combined with stress of a trip. But I cant disinvitemy family - we are very close. The whole thing is just overwhelming. Iv never been able to make any firm decisions about wedding, things like hen party still not sorted.

Now i cant stop crying, thinking of calling whole thing off. I just dont know what to do whether iim making right decision. We have been togerther 6 year, living togetrh almost3. And for most part we live day to day quite happily. But we enjoy different things, different interests, different preferred holidays etc - I just dont know if we are suited enough anymore. He doesnt help me out around house, and all his ambition seems to have dried up. He doesnt seem interested in anything atm - I knwo tahts a symptom of his depressions, but what if he never gets past this.

I dont really have any close friends or no sisters and I dont feel I can talk to my mum (she would overreact and OH made me promise not to tell her baout depression) and once I say Im thinking of calling it off I feel there would be no going back. Nor any point in still being together.

I have a knot in my stomach, I cant eat I just keep bursting in to tears. I still think I love him but I just dont know ifI should spend rest of my life together. But on other hand I cant imagine starting gain with anyone else. Hes been my only real boyfriend.

I'm sorry to hear this has come to a head like this.

First of all your OH is being unreasonable. Once you have invited people you cannot uninvite them. Especially 3 weeks before the wedding. That's a really cruel thing to suggest, particularly if he expects you to do it.

You need to sit down with him and talk about this. Explain that your family is important to you, which is why you invited them. You do not understand why he did not suggest inviting these 2 people from the start if they were so close to him.

This is a communication problem and it seems your OH has not communicated to you soon enough that he is annoyed about the numbers not being equal.

Personally, i think that's unreasonable. I know he is ill, but he is behaving badly and you are entitled to tell him that you're upset and hurt. How long has he been suffering from depression? Is communication generally a problem?

Perhaps it's not the right time for you to be organising a stressful event? Would you be able to postpone the wedding to allow him to get a bit better and perhaps find the right balance of medication/get some treatment? Do you have wedding insurance?

If you're not sure you still want to marry him you need time to think too and putting the wedding off may give you the time you need.

Marriage is hard work and if you're not sure then don't do it. Of course you're never going to be 100% sure, but you seem pretty uncertain as to whether you have much in common. DOn't do this because it's expected of you!

You need to find some support and talk to someone. Do you have any close friends? Talk to them about how you feel. I know your OH said he doesn't want you to tell anyone about his depression. Maybe say that he's 'unwell'? If you really don't have anyone go and see counselor. Just talking about how you feel might help you decide.

Aaw what an awful time for you. I really feel for you. I've battled depression and my ex also suffered and my dad is a sufferer too so I have some incling what this is like for you and your OH and it couldn't be at a worse time for you. The thing with depression is it comes on over a long period of time and it takes almost as long to recover. Medication helps but takes time to work. What you don't get is waking up one morning and finding the headache you've been suffering is gone. It's far more subtle than that. In time you find your emotions are less volotile and you find you can make decisions again. In truth though you're never really the same again as it's always there. And it's really hard coming to terms with it and that there isn't one single cause.

So looking at what you've written, I think you're perhaps bordering on some form of anxiety yourself at the mo too and with just reason. The big thing that you shouldn't do when you are suffering depression is make big decisions. On one hand you simply can't. You're not thinking clearly enough, your emotions are all over the place and you can feel overwhelmed by the most simple of decisions and so it's difficult to make sound choices when you're not well. On the other hand decisions that you do make can have really bad long term consequences.

I know your OH has asked you not to talk to your mum about this but you also need to think about what you want and need and how you're feeling. You can't bottle this up, you need to talk. He also needs to talk to his parents about it as I'm sure this pressure isn't helping him, but giving into his parents isn't the right answer. I'm sure if they knew he was ill, they'd want to help and perhaps ease off a bit.

In terms of the wedding and numbers - I think you need to have a good look at things and decide if this is really worth the upset and see if there isn't something that can be done to accommodate them. Could you include the uncle and his parner to the day and invite the rest to the evening?

I've ummed and aahed over this next sentence because I'm not sure you or your OH are in the right place for this question but.....can you see your lives without each other? You are about to get married. You need to be looking forward to the happiest day of your life. Yes we all have little doubts - thay's being human, but if you're really not sure if you want to be together forever then you do need to think long and hard over your next steps. Talk to your mum or someone - it's vital for your wellbeing and future. I wasn't in your situation by any means when I got married first time, but I was young and now I can look back and see I was rather silly. I went through with my first marriage when I didn't really see a long term future together, but how could I call it off? I wanted to get married and have all the fuss etc, but what I hadn't really thought about was did I want to be married to the person I was marrying. That wonderful thing called hindsight means I can look back now and of course see that I didn't want to marry the guy I said I Do to. Needless to say it lasted 16 months....

What I'm trying to say is think long and hard. Don't make rash decisions at the moment but don't feel forced into going through with the wedding if it's not what you really want. You might find it better for both of you to postpone things so you can both really explore how you feel about each other and your future together. Is a big wedding what you really want now - or do you and your OH simply want to go and get married and tell everyone it's done and have a big party. That's one way of getting rid of the hassle.

Please don't bottle all this up though - talk to someone.

Oh, I really don't know what to say - that is such a sad post to read.

Right now, you are going through a lot - recent diagnosis of the one that you love, emotional battles with family members that should know better, and all this in the run up to the biggest day of your life. Its not surprising you want to curl up in your duvet and cry right now.

If you weren't close to the wedding, and didn't have the family issues going on, would you feel that you would be more able to deal with OH and his depression, and the adjustment that you will both have to make in connection with it? If so, then head out for a walk to clear your head, take a deep breath, and carry on with these last few weeks of wedding planning - be firm when you have to, and know that once it is out of the way and finished, you and your OH will be married and can live your lives without the interference of others.

However, if you feel that even without the wedding you would be finding life with OH difficult, then you really do have to question whether you are right together...either for the long term, or just for today.

Only you can answer those questions....but it has come at a time that you have extra stuff in the mix, which really doesn't help.

If he's only recently been diagnosed, the meds will take a while to kick in and to get the right dosage etc, so once they are settled, you may well find that you have your old fella back, but due to the timing of the wedding, you may have to make the call before they're all sorted, on whether you are going ahead with the wedding.

I'd get yourself to your own GP - not for meds of your own, but to talk.....honestly, and a little more detached than most - it could be the best 15 minutes you've ever spent in order to get some clarity.

I wish you all the very best at what must be a most trying time for both of you, one way or another.

Oh honey, It's so sad to hear you're struggling.

I'm sorry to hear your OH is ill. Please try and remember that it is an illness, and that medication like that can throw your normal moods and reactions out. Also keep in mind that it is nothing you have done.

I disagree that people should get equal numbers at weddings, you should have a fair split of who is important to you, e.g. if one of you sees your cousins every month and the other doesn't even remember the last time they saw them, they shouldn't all automatically get invites. And half and half is silly, especially if one family is larger than the other. You certainly can't un-invite people!

My H and I have completely different interests etc, but it works for us. That sort of thing will only get in the way if you let it.

It's not fair of him to ask you to keep it from your Mum. I understand why (a lot of people worry about stigmatisation with mental illness) but she is your support network and you need to be able to talk to her.

As for calling the wedding off, only you really know what to do and how you feel. It's scary to leave someone you've been with for a long time, especially if he is all you've ever known, but don't let that stop you if you come to the decision that it's not right. As Halloweeny mentioned, if you have wedding insurance have a look at whether you would be covered to postpone it due to the depression, as that may help you all get back to a good place and will give you the time you need to think about this properly. What date is the wedding booked for?

Thinking of you x

Thank you wedding is booked for feb with final meeting with venue due in 3 weeks. We dont have wedding insurance - its one of those thigns I kept meanign to get then forgetting about. I didnt think they would cover cancellation due to backing out anyway? At the end of the day it is only money - it would be a big blow to loose so much but we havent got ourselves in debt for it and could save it back up.

Its true I cant see my life without him, but we were 18 when we found each other, and I've never really had many friends. I dont really have anyone I feel I could truely open up to. I'm so scared If I left him I would never find anything as good again. Its silly but I never got much interest with men. The thought of being alone long term scares me. Day to day we work fine, but then its things like holidays that can sometimes cause stress.

I would say I love him, but Im not sure if its in the same way as a few years ago.

The depression has crept up on us slowly -looking back probably started around easter time. I knew somethign was wrong but didnt see it as depression - he also says hes so hurt by the fact I didnt notice, when it was a work mate who finally got him to see a GP.

I will speak to my parents tonight, Im so confused. I dont think that postpoing the wedding is an option at present, I think it would be all or nothing, then perhaps starting again.

I tried speaking to OH but he just said whatever and closes off.

You might have been covered as your OH is suffering from an illness. It's good that you're not in debt now and could save it back!

Your post made me really sad. I think it's really important for you to think about building up a support network no matter whether you decide to stay with him or not. You don't know what the future holds and relying on one person is never a good idea. if you decide to stay together your OH will not be able to give you as much support at the moment as he needs it himself so it's good for you to have friends to talk to.

Try doing things to meet new people (e.g. book clubs, sports clubs, reconnect with old friends). You say you are close to your mum which is fab. But don't just rely on her! sometimes friends can be really helpful and give a more independent insight.

I don't think that feeling differently about your OH is necessarily a bad thing. I think it's totally normal for the feeling of love to change. As long as you still love him and want to be with him that's the main thing.

You might need to think about whether you are staying with him because you are scared. The fact that you may never find someone else is scary but does not mean you should stay with him. You should stay with him because you WANT to stay with him not because you don't want to be alone. I'm sure you wouldn't want him to stay with you just because he's not sure if he can do better! Being single is great fun too and may allow you to build a support network. If my calculations are right you're only 24/25 so there is still plenty of time. Being single may force you to come out of yourself a bit, but it could be good for you. (Just to clarify - i'm not saying break up with him only you can decide that; just reassuring you that being a couple isn't the be all and end all of things!).

What's the problem with holidays? Could you go on holiday with a friend if he doesn't like holidays? For what it's worth I really need to think about extending your focus by including others (not just your family) in your life.

To be honest I think you and your OH need to work on communicating. Why is he annoyed that you didn't notice he's depressed? You could be annoyed that he didn't tell you something is wrong. You're not a mind reader after all. That's a really manipulative thing to do and quite mean. He seems really angry with you and not particularly caring of your feelings. Have you asked him how he feels about the relationship? That aside friend was being a good support network. You need something like that too! Having support from outside of your partner is not necessarily a symptom of a failing relationship it's a reflection of being a balanced individual and having a rounded social life.

Have you suggested Relate or something like that? Have you told him that you are questioning the relationship as a result of his behaviour? Is he seeing a counselor or just taking medication? he may need to go back to the GP. Try to be really calm when you speak to him and focus on how you feel rather than his actions.