Rant about Bridesmaid!!

That's a tricky one, especially as they are paying for the dresses themselves, so you want them to be happy with them. Do the dresses all have to be the same style? Companies like Dessy and Alfred Angelo can do dresses in the same colour but in different styles, so they could each pick which style they like. Is BM3 normally critical of everything she buys/wears? It might just be that she is concious of her size, especially if the other BMs are smaller.

Ask her if she really wants to be part of the day and if she has any concerns to let you know sooner than later. Maybe she doesn't want to be a BM but doesn't want to let you down, if you give her a get out clause she can enjoy your day out of the limelight and you will have less stress. I can assure you this elusive behaviour probably won't get any better nearer to the date.

I have looked on Dessy and there are beautiful ones. Her issue is she wants to try on before she commits to a dress. I have explained that they generally have sample sizes so they might not have her size in the style she likes! The lady at the shop is trying to get a sample or two in her size specially but not every shop is going to do this for us.

I really want her to feel special because i know myself how it feels to be the "Odd one out". I think she always is critical and usually doesnt think before speaking either. I just want her to be positive. I know that i've shown her now and she wasn't impressed she will just build a barrier between now and actually seeing the dress!!

Thanks Jojo2. I have a feeling you may be right. I did sort of offer her a get out clause a couple of weeks ago. I know she's losing her job in December and i asked her if she was ok for money and i would understand if she couldn't afford to get a BM dress etc etc. Maybe that wasn't the right angle. Perhaps i just need to grow a pair and come out with it.

Thanks xx

I also have 3 bridesmaids, two are a size 10 and the third a larger lady. I know the size 10's will look good in everything so Iv decided to let my BM3 have complete control over the dress design, the only thing she has to stick too is the colour. I love her dearly and i want her to be happy and confident on the day, im lucky, she has fantastic taste so she will choose something nice, but more importantly to me is that she is there and has an amazing day.

Im larger myself so I know how she feels, would dread being a bridesmaid in a dress i wasnt happy in, maybe she's being like that thinking you will sack her rather than her feeling awful, uncomfortable and embarrased on the day?

Iv missed out on many an invitation because i was so self conscious and maybe thats abit how she feels?

x

Maybe ask openly if it's the money situation - they are very expensive dresses if BMs are paying, especially if someone has lost their job. Plus maybe losing her job is putting her in a negative mood generally, making it harder for here to focus on your good news (doesnt mean her behaviour is justified).

I agree with this. She might feel very self concious and now want to come as a guest so she can enjoy it?

I agree with this! We are paying around this amount for our bm dresses, but we are paying for them not the bms. It is a lot of money (more than I originally wanted to spend) if they are paying for them themselves and they may not feel able (or happy!) to spend that much on a bm dress, particularly as there's shoes etc to consider too. x

Hi, your BMs are exactly the same size as my 3, I also have one size 6, one size 12 and one size 24. My dresses were Ebony Rose, Indianna and they were more expensive at 210 each however all 3 girls look gorgeous as the shape is flattering to them all I think. If you have a look on Ebay you can get some very similar dresses made from their measurements and I have also seen some very positive comments from some of the ebay dresses you can get. Might be worth getting them to look on there for anything they like? Also that means you dont have to get together in one place to go shopping and they can have their dress delivered to their own house? x

Why do they have to be in matching dresses?

I didn't get all three of my bridesmaids together for a single shopping trip before the wedding. One lived in Portsmouth, one reading and one London so there was never a time I could do it.

I simply bought dresses in their sizes, posted them t them and got them to take pics, if ey needed alterations they arranged t and I paid for it. I don't agree with bm's paying for their own dresses anyway.

The larger lady may feel self concours. At the other end of the scale one of my bm's is a very tiny size six die to illness. She was terrified of being on show all day and it took a bit of cajoling for her to be a bm. If your friends who s being difficult as you put it is worried about her weight then could it be that she is actually worried?

Yes, please. Tell her not to be arquard.

Is being a bridesmaid such a big honour that people are willing to lose friends over it? maybe I had a different sense of perspective than everyone else but a wedding is just a wedding? It's not the centre of your friends world, they are not the ones getting married?

Whydiddnt you want a pregnant bridesmaid?

1. Finding a single dress and organising for all BMs to go and see it is not, by anyone's definition, 'being lenient' with choice.

2. Asking BMs to pay for your choice of dress is, um, not usually how it's done.

3. Expecting a BM who will shortly be out of work to pay £130 for the pleasure of wearing your choice of dress is asking for grumpiness.

4. Expecting a plus-size BM with body issues to feel happy about wearing yellow while standing next to far thinner girls is obtuse.

Now, I may or may not think that the above are valid reasons for her being grumpy with you. I'm presenting the harshest opinion I can, so that you can see how your actions might be part of the problem.

Yes it's shocking how they didn't care about your big day.

So did you bm get pregnant after you asked her? Have you given her any more reason more than you just don't want her too? Or are you tempering your reason for public consumption?

Sounds to me like it could a combination of her feeling self conscious, and the money situation. If i knew i was about to lose my job, I don't think i'd be in a hurry to agree to buy a £130 dress, especially a £130 dress someone else has chosen for me to wear. Personally, if i were asking BMs to pay for their own dresses I would just let them know my ideas and then give them free reign.

I'm also confused as to what BMs are really expected to do these days. A lot of posts on here suggest that the bride expects a lot from BMs, I'm not sure I expect anything of my BMs. Being a bridesmaid is a nice thing to do for one of your friends. I think the friend aspect is forgotten in the whirlwind of planning. The wedding is one day, why would you lose a friend over it? Makes no sense to me. The pregnant bridesmaid issue is just not an issue at all IMO. I do not expect them to put their lives on hold for my wedding.

Hollies- I expected nothing of mine. My CBm organised my hen do, apart from that all I wanted was them there with me. They are my friends, not my skivvies.

I can understand the pregnant one hitting the roof tbh, I would be pretty hurt if my friend didn't want me as bridesmaid just because I was pregnant.

I agree they are being childish if they can't agree to out their differences aside for the sake f a mutual friends wedding, do you think that's the only reason they were wriggling out of it or was it just a convenient excuse?

Crikey, I don't think I'd want to be your bridesmaid, how very dare one of your BM want to try for a baby!!

To the OP, I think you definitely need to sit down and speak with your BM and lay your cards on the table, I agree with Footlong in that she is probably feeling very insecure about the prospect of standing next to the other girls.

To Amylou, I was trying for a baby when I was bridesmaid June this year, my friend worked around me and said she would be more than happy to go for a dress that would accomodate a bump, and she left it a few months before the wedding before choosing the dress, never would she have said it was an inconvenience, or worse "got rid of me"

Like mini, I never had all 4 of my BM's go shopping for dresses because of where they were geographically, it didn't cause any problems what so ever. We got them from the high street I posted them to my BM's up North, one needed altering and the BM sorted that.

Stop SHOUTING!

Love the capitals, very subtle.

And you can't see why your friend may be upset with this?

My dresses were high street, I paid for alterations to ensure they fitted. Guessing that's not an option for you?

Why did you even ask them if they don't speak to each other?

No, I wouldn't have anything to say apart from "congratulations on being pregnant?!'

Amy I totally get where you're coming from!

I had 6 to start with - 3 adults....sizes 12,14,16/18 and brought a new dress every other week thatmy 2 sisters decided they hated....I couldnt choose my colour theme till I found them a dress!! In the end i've just stuck with my best mate, 2 younger and 1 little one as the other two wouldnt agree to any dresses unless they were short and strappy like a nightclub dress!!!

x

Awkward.

For future reference

I would be SO grateful!!!

I really wanted my sisters to be next to me on my big day but if they didnt like the dresses!! In the end I found the dresses in the BHS sale, reduced from £125 to £37! woooop! Plus saved me some money in flowers for them so dont worry about it hun, its your day! x

I mentioned it earlier but it clearly went over people's heads

Glad the hitched bullies are out in force again, daring to give a cabbage not in agreement with the op.

Ok so i think my post got a little bit heated!!!

I just wanted to get them together so they could all get to know each other tbh, a nice girly day, free of kiddywinks!

On the whole paying for their dresses - i don't think i am being unreasonable - They are all aware that we have a very small budget for our wedding and i explained i really wanted them to be part of the day but couldn't afford to buy the dresses. I have said i will put what i can in towards shoes/hair/accessories.

I thought this was quite common practice especially for brides on a budget?!

By showing them the design i saw doesn't mean they HAVE to have that particular one but the whole thing about knowing the shop will have sizes for her to try on and getting the girls together and to give us a starting point i thought was a positive. Maybe i am wrong.

I'm just going to have a heart to heart with her and see how she feels.

Please don't think i want to lose friends over this. I just want relaxed, chilled BM's and everything to go smoothly.

That wasn't directed at you Katie, twas to the other lady who said how her friends weren't talking to her now, or each other, or had got pregnant or whatever the drama was!

1.As i said in my last post, i see it as a starting point so we can then see what they like don't like and see my colour ideas etc

2. We are on a budget - we made this clear when we asked them to be our BM's - I'm sure this is not actually that ridiculous in this day and age and is becoming more and more the done thing.

3. I get the point about money - she has assured me that she can afford it as she has savings. But maybe i need to ask her again now its nearer the time.

4. I'm not sure there is anything wrong with my colour scheme. I think lemon can look lovely on a plus size girl. Maybe that's because i would wear this colour myself as i am plus size. If the style and fit is right and she feels nice then thats the main point.

FWIW I actually agree with this.

However, I fail to really see what your BM's have done that actually fits into the category of being a PITA and that's where/why your being questioned on this.

Oh and also, FWIW I have had my fair share of BM dramas including a total utter falling out 2 weeks before my hen but this was over a genuine issue.

I think they did understand tbh. BM1 got married in September and also asked her BM's to pay for their dresses so she was fully aware. BM2 has been a BM 4 times in the last 2 years and she has had to buy her dress every time. I guess BM3 is probably the only one who may not fully understood which is probably my fault, but i'm gonna have a good old chat with her.

Thanks for posting :-)

I so wish I could post the rolling around laughing smiley here.