Rant - Are all teenagers so bl00dy selfish? (small update pg 1)

Mate, I would tell him he can't go to the party. He's got to learn that he can't take the piss and if he's let go he's being absolved of his responsibilities.

You are more than generous to him, there's no way he'd be going to a part if he was mine. He's the one that's double booked, not you. Maybe he needs to learn a tough lesson.

As for the cans, I'd tell him he can whistle for them.

To be honest I think I would have been the same at 15. My brain didn't comprehend anything too far in advance so it could be a simple mistake. However I would have been told I can't go to the party and I had to babysit. This would have resulted in me throwing a massive strop but soon getting over it when I realised I had no choice but to look after siblings.

You've told him he's not going right?

As far as I know, he's going. It was MrD's decision - I told him my views ?

The thing is, the invitation for the reception has been on the notice board in the kitchen for weeks now and when it first came, we told him he was babysitting. I even got him to go to the notice board the other week and check what date it was, so he knew what he was doing. I appreciate that at 15, it's not a great way to spend your Saturday evening but MrD and I very very rarely go out together on our own. Ironically, we're going to a concert tomorrow and my mum is having the boys so we are going out the night before as well, but hey, it doesn't happen often and it is Christmas! We therefore can't ask my mum to do two nights on the run and MrD's mum, well, let's not go there ?

HH - I was stood open mouthed this morning watching him taking the cans. It's hard when its not your own child, even though I've been his stepmum for nearly 10 years, there are some things I don't feel I can say - it just didn't feel like my call. Now, had it been my eldest (13) that would have been another matter ?

Ah bugger Mrs D. I would have babysat for you but we're leaving on Saturday morning. Boo.

I'm never having a boy; it's bows, ribbons, orchestras and girl guides all the way for me. ?

What are you going to do then?

Mrs M - I would gladly swap them for pink ones, but sadly I've lost the receipt ?

KB3 - try and find another babysitter - MrD's brother and his wife are best bet, but they work shifts so could be working or, in all likelihood, not go ? The more I sit here and think about it, the madder I'm getting. I just want to strangle him!

I think Mr D has to take responsibility for this then, he's allowing him to go despite the fact he was booked to babysit, so really has no business moaning. Mr D either tells him that the party is off or arranges for someone else to babysit. If I were you I would be beyond furious with them both.

I am raging on your behalf at him taking the cans, he's 15 and helping himself to booze! Who does he think he is? Raaaaaaaaaah.

I agree with HH actually. It should be up to MrD to sort, or he can babysit and yougo and enjoy yourself on your own. Not ideal but at least youaren't missing out!

Well, if Mr D has let him go, then you're scuppered because the best outcome now would be a huge row where he plays one of you off against the other. Bah. I think all 15 year old boys are cheeky sods, yes. And utterly self-centred. I sometimes wonder how on earth No1 son can forget stuff I've told him, important stuff, but unless it's directly related to his welfare he just seems to edit it out.

HH - I agree, I'm washing my hands of them all and running off to a women only commune ?

Seriously though, MrD realises that it's his responsibility. At the moment, he's just one disappointment after another to him and it really really gets to him. MrD was always a high achiever and always pushed himself to be the best and because this trait is sadly lacking in junior D, it frustrates him. I know its wrong to wish your kids were more like you/someone else, but he's just so 'not arsed' about everything and so blinkin selfish all the time, it's starting to grate. You do something nice for him, give him lifts, give him money (and booze obviously) and you're lucky if you get a mumbled 'thanks'. He's got GCSE's next year and, to be honest, he could go either way - surprise us all and do brilliantly (which I really hope he does) or cock it all up.

Thanks for raging with me Hole, it's very much appreciated ?

Going on my own isn't really an option - it's one of MrD's staff who is getting married and, whilst I know loads of people there, they're not 'my people' ? Anyone fancy coming with me and getting stupidly drunk? ?

I don't quite understand the arrangements - does he get paid for babystitting? Is it compulsory?

If he agreed to babysit and then let you down, I'd be cross. But if hes been TOLD to babysit I can see why he might rebel against this.

Oh no! ? Well fingers crossed you can find someone to have the kids then.

but he's 15! He'd be getting told a lot more if he lived with me ?

I disagree, he's part of a family and as such has to pull his weight and contribute, sometimes that will include babysitting. We've told our son that he will be starting to babysit for the odd couple of hours here and there from next year, he appreciates that it's a small price to pay for everything that gets done for him.

I think Mrs Ds stepson is treated like a prince, and a bit of babysitting is the least he can do.

He gets pocket money for doing jobs for us and as KB3 said, he's 15. He was told that this Saturday he was on duty, babysitting. He doesn't agree/disagree - its not an option. He can rebel all he likes but the mantra in this house is family things take priority. If the choice were mine, he wouldn't be going to the party and he could lump it, but, like I said, its not my call.

I agree with Fimble - I'm not saying it's right that he's rebelling, because I do completely agree that he should do it and that he's being selfish, but I can also see that telling him to do things might end up in rebellion. If you want to get him to do things, might he respond better to being asked?

I know what you mean hazel, however, its been tried both ways. I'm not even sure if its an act of rebellion. He had been asked/told (I forget which one it was ?) about this Saturday and as far as MrD and I were concerned, stepson was on the job. Last night/this morning when he asked MrD if he could take some cans for Saturday I 'gently' reminded MrD that a party was not on the agenda for Saturday. This was when MrD was taking him home to get ready for school, so what exactly transpired in the car hasn't been told to me. MrD sometimes has trouble enforcing things with his son - I think its a guilt thing, harking back to the split with his ex and her using the son as a weapon in the aftermath - so he never really makes him do something. Maybe this is where he's going wrong - stepson knows he can get away with it, so does. I knew he wouldn't stop him from going to the party - I would have.

But clearly that isn't the case.

I can totally see why you're so annoyed.

Don't get me wrong I wasn't defending him - sorry for not being clear. I was just wondering if he was deliberately rebelling or 'just' being thoughtless. Either way yes he is being selfish, which I guess is pretty normal for a teenager, and totally infuriating for you.

I hope you get to go on your night out but more importantly I hope Mr D starts to be firmer with him in future as I don't envy you the precedent that is being set here!

I think he is playing on the fact that he knows his dad will let him away with it then.

I don't think it's fair that he's 'told' to babysit though. I get what HH said about him being part of the family and pulling his weight and while that might make sense when it comes to doing the dishes or washing the car, it's not fair to make a 15-year-old stay in on a Saturday night to look after your children. Just the same as you couldn't think it fair for your H to 'tell' your mum or even you that you're babysitting next weekend, end of. Only you and your H are responsible for your children and 'on duty' to look after them.

Sure, if you'd asked him to (or had an arrangment where he was paid etc) and he then pulled out, i'd be mad too. But i couldn't expect a teenage boy to 'take his turn' babysitting when he's TOLD without him being mightily annoyed at it!

I'm really surprised that you think a 15 year old shouldn't have to help out with his siblings by babysitting, Hickory? Yes, they are Mr and Mrs Ds children but they are his brothers! Also, why should he be paid for it when he's just been given 100 jibs to go shopping?

I really think, that sometimes, people pander too much to their children. Yes it's important to give them choices and freedom, but it's also your job as a parent to actually parent, and sometimes that means pulling rank and saying no. Otherwise we're going to end up with a generation of over indulged brats who think the world owes them a living.

Gah, this has made me all cross ?

I agree Hole. Sometimes I question whether I'm too harsh on the girls and they aren't even my kids! No means no, they get a list of chores to do and if they don't do them they don't get their pocket money. Simple as. I tell them to lay the table, or take the bins out, to pick up their dirty clothes and clean their bedroom. If they don't do it they get told again, if I have to tell more than twice then it's punishment. I don't ask them if they'd mind laying the table, the answer would be yes they do mind and they don't want to do it ?

I am so glad that I seem to be a normal parent? all mine have jobs and responsibilities and that is how they earn their pocket money. Dec will watch Tom for the odd hour now and the rest including the 8 year old know that no jobs done no pocket money/clubs etc. I agree with HH that there seems to be a lot of pandering to children nowadays.

I would be fuming, but as you said, it's hard when your the step-parent.

I agree with HH tbh. altho what do i know about the best way to deal with a teenager ??

Like I said, not sure if it was ask or told but, the fact remains, as a parent/step-parent I do feel somewhat within my rights to tell a child what to do and when to do it ? And before anyone starts, that was partly tongue in cheek, but I do feel that, given he has been indulged and it still annoys me that he got out of the last family event, he should not go to the party. He is part of this family and [cliche] one day he'll realise that p1ssing off his family is not really the way to endear yourself to them [/cliche] As for the other points you made, its not really the same is it, asking/telling your son to do something and telling your mother that she's doing something? Last time I checked, I didn't have parental responsibility for my mother. I agree it is mine and MrD's responsibility to look after our children and, as far as we were concerned, it was all in hand and he has just ignored it and made other plans. As for paying him extra for babysitting - err no - not an option. He gets enough cash/favours as it is.

I don't think she's saying he shouldn't do it, just that telling him rather than asking him is possibly going to cause problems.

As an adult I would expect to be asked not told and I can't help but feel that at 15 he's old enough to be treated similarly. I'm not even saying the babysitting shouldn't be compulsory, just the manner of discussion about it - "you're 15 now so we're expecting you to help out by babysitting. We want to go out on friday, how does that sound to you?" rather than "You're babysitting on Friday". Now if he says no to the question then you have to have a discussion about whether that's acceptable to you, but I do htink that how you go about it will make a difference.

But he wasn't just told he's babysitting on Friday, this has been arranged for a few weeks and he went ahead and made other plans.

Also, you know, sometimes you do just have to tell your teenagers what to do, that's part of life as a parent. Trying to have a discussion with a teenager who doesn't want to do something will mostly end in a row, because they apparently know everything. <voice of bitter experience>

As usual hazel you speak with a voice of reason. However, and its a pretty big however, until you have tried to have that conversation yourself and been on the receiving end of much huffing, puffing, general rudeness and unwillingness to think of anyone but yourself, it does seem like the reasonable way to go. That was not meant to sound like an "if you had kids.... etc" but you go into the conversation with the way you want it to go and invariably, it goes t1ts up ? I read somewhere once that when boys get into their teens they revert to behaviour similar to that of toddlers, ie, there is no world outside their own and their attention span is that of a goldfish. I would certainly say that was so in my experience.

I'm not saying I've tried all the tactics and they've all failed, but sometimes you just have to say "b0llocks to this, I'm the parent and you're doing it <winces> because I said so"!

not just boys mrs d.....

Aah, now that sounds like the Camper household at the moment with a pre-teen hormonal 11 year old who thinks that the world revolves around him and after hours of this, I too say "because I said so" - you have my sympathy?

As someone who really wasn't a rebellious teenager but who was also ruled with a rod of iron so blunt that I am, to this day at nearly 40 years old, still scared of my mother, I would say that's fair enough as long as you only use that line / those emotions rarely. You made the comparison with toddlers and, as far as I'm aware, it's a crucial part of their development that they actually win some of the battles they have at that age - I would suggest that it's the same for teenagers. Consistency is the key - and if Mr D is undermining things then I don't blame the kid for taking advantage of that - I'd do the same ?. However consistency doesn't mean that the balance should always be in favour of the parents - compromise is also vital.

Just wanted to add one thing: As an adult I'd accept a certain amount of 'Because I said so' from a boss telling me to do something. However I wouldn't accept that as a routine way of dealing with things. I really don't see why a teenager should put up with any less respect - respect is a two way thing and not something that should just be demanded / expected. My mother has never, ever respected my views, feelings or opinions - and because of this I struggle to respect her.