Ridiculous things you've done in your sleep.

I was woken by h last week,by him turning the light on and telling me i had smacked him in the face.I do remember dreaming of fighting. He had a cracking black eye,i even woke my daughter up with my laughing.

'Woke up', sworn and MrKJX. Got up. Gone to the bathroom, opened the mouthwash. Walked out of the bathroom, opened the top stair gate, gone downstairs. Into the kitchen. Opened cupboards. Put washing up liquid into the sink. Gone and unlocked the front door. Gone out into the garden. Come back in, gone back to bed. Blissfully unaware.

Not me but Mr Roobarb:

Leap out of bed and start wafting the duvet up and down (on top of your massively pregnant wife who has taken about 3 hrs to get to sleep as it is) to get rid of the spiders that are crawling over it.

Leap out of bed and open all the blinds and curtains yelling about spiders.

Sit up in bed and start clawing at your face because "there is a spiders web on it".

Start randomly shouting about spiders

(are we spotting a theme here? And I am the arachnophobe in the house)

Start girly slapping your wife when she accidentally touches you in her sleep

Sit up bolt upright and shout "Argh!" and then just lie back down again

Turn over and throw your arm over your wife and shout "the boats! the boats! They're over there!"

Worst of all, go back to sleep instantly while your wife stays awake the rest of the night waiting for her heart rate to get back to normal and wondering what the frig is going to happen next, and then deny any of it ever happened the next morning. Like I could make this sh1t up!

Mr L and I both see spiders and frequently wake each other by jumping about trying to escape them

I once got out of bed to see Mr L sttod by the bedroom door listening intently. He looked at me and whispered "Shhhh! quick come over here and get behind me". I did, he continued to listen" . I was so scared I was in tears. He then put the bedroom light on, flung open the bedroom door and shouted "Spiders, everywhere!".

He then woke up, went "Oh, thanks goodness, it was just a dream", hopped in bed and fell straight asleep whilst I lay awake quivering.

I woke up to hear Mr P saying

"That's a really nice flame thrower..."

I sniggered for a while then a plaintive little voice came

"Can I have a go?!"

At that point I howled with laughter and woke him up.

Do you fancy a threesome with Mr R?

I am petrified of spiders. Thankfully I know Mr R's sleepy rantings are always bollox or else I'd sh1t myself.

I once got out of bed, walked into the next room (which was full of men in cots), whipped it out and pissed in the middle of the floor.

When hit with several torch beams (and thankfully, nothing else) I allegedly said something to the effect of "what are youse doing sleeping in the pisser?", looked confused and stumbled back to bed.

I maintain I never woke up.

Drink may have been involved.

? Sorry, that is so funny. Obviously not from where you are, but reading it. ?

While dreaming about looking for treasure, I got up, opened the curtains and the bedroom window, dug a hole in the window box, closed the window and curtains again and went to the bathroom to wash my hands.

The water on my hands woke me up, and i wondered why they were so dirty but just went back to bed, and in the morning did some investigating and found the hole i had dug.

I have elbowed H in the balls because I was fighting a monster...apparently he then lay awake most of the night in considerable pain. We'd only been seeing each other for a few weeks at that point too.

I frequently have school dreams and often take the register in my sleep, or start to tell children off. H enjoys replying to me and seeing how long he can keep it going before I wake up.

My brother, when quite young (probably about 8 or so) went through a phase of sleepwalking which culminated in my mum finding him weeing in the fridge one night!

I suffer from night terrors/occasional sleep walking anyway but the best/worst was at a time when I was under a lot of stress and dreamt/hallucinated one night that I was wrestling a giant snake (it was going to eat me). I leapt out of bed, landing hard on my knee, and continued to wrestle with it for a few moments until H put the light on and I gradually came round and realised there was no snake. I was absolutely petrified and sat shaking for about an hour before I could go back to sleep. I can laugh about it now but it was awful at the time.

Mine seems odd, but it was funny at the time.

I had not long started working for a call centre and we were always told we must keep out AHT (average handling time) down.

My husband woke up to me saying in a pleady whiny voice "it'll go down, it'll go down" and he asked me "what will go down" and I replied "my AHT".

Sang "Hazard" by Richard Marx.

Who knows why...?

? This has made me laugh so hard I needed Tena Lady!

Great thread, guys.

My personal fave is the time I kicked OH full force as I was dreaming I was scrapping with my brother. I talk in my sleep quite a lot, which is worrying as I have very vivid (and often lewd) dreams...

OH once slept-walk into his parents' room, and pissed against their radiator.

I once sang Happy Birthday to my H whilst sat bolt upright in bed. I think the worst one was asking him what he was doing in bed with me as my sister and I are playing hide and seek and she'll find me with you in here.

Oh my god, I need a tena lady too! I thought my H was bad but Mr Roobarb certainly beats him hands down. He is always talking in his sleep, I think he is talking to me and answer and then it gets odder and odder with him insisiting that he is making total sense and its me thats the problem. He doesnt ever remember and I spend ages howling with laughter telling him what he was doing.

To this day I have no idea what exactly happened, but I was visiting my sister at Uni, and so was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. For some reason during the night my sister decided to turn the light on, but went the opposite way and ended up by her window where I was.

Meanwhile I was lying there having a dreadful dream about being attacked by a man, and so I come to to see my sister standing over me, one foot on either side of my head. I panicked and shouted "don't hurt me" and grabbed her legs like a loon. She then came to and we both took a good five minutes to calm down.

I do think alcohol was involved and I had been travelling around quite a bit so I was a bit disorientated. Was funny afterwards. ?

My H is a big talker in his sleep and shortly after we started dating I stayed over and he yelled out at the top of his voice "you baaadd girl" I think I laughed for the rest of the night. ?

I woke up to a distinctly poo-like smell one night, and sat up in bed to see my H squatting in my wardrobe. Luckily he was just gearing up, and there was no actual poo by this point.

Lately he's always getting up in the night and shutting the stair gate, or putting the light on and demanding to know the whereabouts of our (at this point thankfully still sleeping in his room) son or getting into the bed in our son's room (he's still in the cot, thankfully).

I just talk and hit out, nothing too unusual.

? Good thread.

My H could write a book about my sleep antics, which usually involve me killing myself laughing in my sleep while my H curls up in the last few inches on the bed hopelessly silently pleading that i've i'm just having an amusing dream and haven't finally lost the plot completely..

My most bizare though happend years ago when I was sharing a bed with my friend. My friend (Dianne) hates to sleep in total silence so always keeps a radio on low. She was woken in the middle of the night by me sitting up in bed;

Me - Dianne, Dianne!!

Dianne - What, what's wrong?

Me - Go upstairs, and get £10 out of my purse

Dianne - £10 what for?

Me - Just go and get it, open the front door, give it that greedy *** Tony Hadley that'll shut him up.

Apparently I then just lay down and went back into a deep sleep. Dianne was still awake when the radio news came on at 4am and heard the news report about Tony Hadley suing the other members of Spandau Ballett for royalties. It all clicked into place for her then...

The weird thing is that when she told me about it all in the morning, I had a vague recollection of it.

I usually sleep in the nude, but on this particular occasion I had gone to bed with Period pants on and a big ole sanitary towel (with wings) I sat bolt upright and headed off to the front door of my flat, this awoke my then boyfriend who went to the font door to see what the hell was going on and heard me hammering on the door of the flat above us and me shouting "I know what you're up to" I then returned downstairs and told my ex "they are trying to advertise to me in my dream, well I'm not having that" and promptly returned to bed.

I really hope someone didn't see me naked bar my period pants, but I will never know.

I could fill a whole thread to myself with my antics - serial sleepwalker since I could walk!

Have put the plug in the bath, turned the taps on and gone back to sleep...

Got into my car and turned the lights on and went back to bed...

Freaked my sister out by walking into her room, opening her top drawer and emptying the contents...

My OH's current favourite is when I'd fallen asleep when he was watching TV, I turned over, kissed the pillow and said 'love you babe'... ?

I often wake up wearing clothes I wasn't wearing when I went to sleep. They're generally back to front or inside out!

Last one: I now tend to wake up half way through sleepwalking to find myself in a wierd room, doing a wierd thing. Like when last week I woke up looking in the kitchen cabinet. Or last month when I woke up in our spare room looking out of the window. Countless stories!

I used to live with a chronic sleepwalker. Many a time I rescued him from the road, the shower etc.

One morning I woke up wearing his pyjamas, and he was wearing mine. He had swapped our clothes whilst asleep, and I had either gone along with it, or been too heavily asleep to notice.

These are genius. I'm relaying some of them to my OH but can't because I'm laughing.

I talk in my sleep quite a lot. My OH holds full conversations with me and quite often thinks I'm awake until I say something totally random and then start snoring. He, however, when he's had a skinful, has a tendency to poke me in my leg or somewhere in that region being amorous at silly o'clock in the morning. He did it the other day whilst talking about picnics of all things.

I have just howled and howled at this, and have been sat here for the last couple of mins with tears rolling down my face!

I'm quite bad for sleep talking and hallucinating. I often hallucinate about spiders coming down from the ceiling to me, or building spiders webs above my face as i sleep. both of these are really common, and result in me hiding under the quilt and bawling. At my brother's wedding H and I stayed in a hotel and half way through the night I had to strip the bed looking for a blue spider!

On another occasion I think I scared the life out of my husband. I used to sleep with 2 pillows, and h has 1. In my sleep I got one of my pillows and placed it on his face. He asked me what I was doing and I explained that he needed 2 pillows, as I have 2 and he only has 1. He told me that he didn't want this pillow, to which I replied 'fair enough' then rolled over and ignored him. He then asked me if i was going to have the pillow back, so I sat up and took it back. I don't recall any of it.

About 3 weeks after we moved into our first house one of my uncles died. We weren't close at all, and I didn't think it really bothered me. That night i woke up, got up, woke h up asking him if he'd packed. Obviously he was confused and asked me what i was talking about, so I said 'come on, what are you wearing? We've got to go to my uncles house for a holiday' ?

I apparently punched my H in my sleep last week. I have no recollection of it. He was awake and says I made a proper fist and threw a hard punch! He tried to get out of the way so I only got him in the armpit rather than the face, thankfully. I also once woke up slapping my legs and sobbing, "Put it out!" I'd been dreaming I was on fire.

H regularly wakes me up and asks for sex when he's asleep. Usually around the same time as well (3am). He never remembers the next day.

I am a little notorious for talking in my sleep. The first time I slept over with H2B was only after a few weeks since we started going out together. He had a parrot in his bedroom called Igor whom I did really like. According to H2B, I sat up in bed, looked at the parrot and shouted "Evil" at it and the promptly fell back to sleep. He was a little freaked out by it but considering, since then, he's jumped out of bed saying that there was a blue goblin sat on the end of the bed, looking at him, we're just as bad as each other and have managed to put up one another's sleeping quirks - especially after 8 years!!! ?

First time my H stayed over at his old girlfriends house, he was woken up holding his wanger over his girlfriends mums head about to pee!

A friend of mine's boyfriend is a major talker in his sleep. He once woke her up and shouted 'Gotcha!' in a really freaky voice. ?

I do this a lot. the problem is MrH will try and maintain the conversation, as if it is perfectly normal, so I get frusrated that he isn't doing as I ask (I am always asking him to do things in my sleep. I think my sub consious knows I can't do it, as am asleep)

His most memorable is:

Me: get the door! let him in! LET HIM IN!

MrH: Who? (like this is reasonable)

Me: Let him in, hes banging on the door and is driving me crazy! let him in! its raining, let him in!

(repeat number of times)

mrH: Who?

Me: Peek-a-boo! LET HIM IN!

Few minutes later I grab MrHs crotch "where are your trousers?"

him: on the floor

Me: where are your trousers? you've left them outside again, and its raining. they'll be all wet"

? I also order him to answer the phone alot and tell the person i'm asleep (weirdly I always know who it is. i.e. Tell my mum I'm asleep!" mad)

Mrh is a bit scary though, hes under a lot of stress and screams in his sleep. he also shouts "F*ckung cnut" alot in a really aggressive voice.

H talks in another language in his sleep. It isn't an actual language that I know of, more gobbledegook, but he sounds utterly convincing. He wouldn't believe me that he does it until his parents confirmed my story.

He's also been chased by the german's in his sleep and has been shouting about it so loudly that he's woken me up. This is a recurring theme though as the German's have also chased him all the way home from the pub before when he's been drunk, and of course if you're being chased by German's you have to run backwards so you can keep an eye on them.... ?

I sometimes sort of half wake up, and see odd things - the light on the TV and Sky box becomes a robot for example. The weirdest was when I woke up and was convinced that there was a huge Rastafarian man standing over the bed. I was paralysed with fear and couldn't speak, finally I was able to shake Mr W until he woke up. He told me there was no Rastafarian man, just my outfit for the next day hangong on the wardrobe. I often wake him up to show him the robot, or whatever else might be in the room. ?

I've just read all three pages and I'm been laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

Mine aren't that funny really but when I was a kid I climbed down off the top of the bunk bed and walked in to my parents room where I woke my mum up. When she asked what I was doing there I said "The arrow was pointing this way!" as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and couldn't believe I had to explain in to her.

Another time was when I was at Uni and H2B was staying over for the weekend. I sat bolt upright awoken in the middle of the night from a loud noise (suitcase had fell off the wardrobe) and I must have woken from a really deep sleep because I looked over and saw H2B sleeping and thought "Who the **** is that?" I screamed the house down for a few seconds until he turned on the light and realised who it was! The thing is we'd been together for years at that point.