second marriages - concerns/advice needed

Hi Gillyred. I've not been in your situation, but didn't want to Read and Run.

Judging by your beliefs, there must of been a good reason why you got your first wedding annulled, otherwise you wouldn't have done it.

You love your soon to be husband, and you want to get married, so you shouldn't feel guilty about the fact that you are now truely in love!

Your certainly not a fraud on any level. everyone makes mistakes, it's part of being human.

The only real question that you need to ask yourself is "Do you see yourself with this man for the rest of your life?" If the answers yes, then you need to remember that this time it's for real, and forget the past and move on!

Sorry - my advice is a bit all over the place.

Could I just ask, are you Catholic? It's just I think this sort of thing is handled differently in the Catholic Church, so you may find your better option is a civil ceremony of some sort.

This X2. You have never actually been married.

You said yourself that you were naive when you entered into your first marriage. God (and the church) only recognises a marriage to be a true marriage if you are both entering into it freely and with a full understanding of what you are doing - which it doesn't sound like you did. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.

Hi Gillyred

1st congrats on your engagement

You said you was nieve, and got the marrige annuled, Like said above, you was'nt married

Im having my 2nd marriage this time to my beautiful W2B, and I so know this time is so right for me, the last time was a fraud basically, even saying that, I do not feel I should be ashamed of the past, thats whats make a person to be who they are now

As long as you truely do feel that you are going to marry your partner for True love and you wish to spend your life with that person, Well Go for it, Forget the past as thats why its the Past, done and gone, nothing can change it, Just be truthful to yourself and your partner, and enjoy the experience this time knowing that this one is right

Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm a christian but not catholic. This wedding is a civil ceremony as I wouldnt feel right getting married in a church again. I know that as my first marriage was annulled that in the eyes of god and legally I was never married but I did have a wedding. On my wedding day I knew it wasnt right and I didnt want to be married. I guess I'm worried that I'll feel the same, weddings have lost the romance I suppose. This time it is right, life hasnt always been easy since we've been together and we've always worked through everything together and I feel that that is the important thing. I dont think its so much the idea of being married thats bothering me, its more having a wedding... The idea of being the blushing bride. Hopefully on the day I will be carried away with the excitment and happiness. Thanks for your reassurances ?

Hi again

Just put the prior marriage behind you, and in the know that this one is so right, go and enjoy yourself and be happy, Enjoy all the planning and the nerves and butterflies again, but this time, with this in your head "Im marring the one I love" ?

OP, like you I'm a Christian and this is my second time round. The first one I should never have gone through with, but it's easy to say with hindsight.

Noting you are having a civil ceremony like us, we're having a blessing service led by a minister friend straight afterwards, so instead of the "legal and religious bits" mixed like a church service, they're just separated out a bit but it's still essentially the same ceremony (part 1 and part 2, if you like). I wonder whether this might be something you'd consider having, as I'm sure you agree that 'the church' is the people, rather than the building that they meet in?

We opted not to have a church wedding simply as we wanted everything in one location, it's not where either of us live, and it seemed too much trouble (or particularly fair) to try and find a church building to get married in that we didn't attend. As I said, church is more than 'a pretty building' and the building, generally, is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned

The fact that you've said you knew the previous marriage was wrong and this one is what you want, you love him etc then try not to feel guilty over it. I think perhaps the fact that you say you feel guilty in the eyes of god, then perhaps you're not quite over it?

I can't offer much advice but try to remember why you're marrying your OH and try to enjoy the planning. Its exciting and fantastic that you're able to marry again and THATS your gift from God.

Speaking from experience, it took me a number of years to 'get over it properly', the feeling of being a failure because I couldn't make it work, that sort of thing.

Hi gillyred

I am aslo planning my 2nd wedding, my first one was to my sons dad, and i was also young and realised straight after that it was a mistake,so after 18mths of trying i called it a day...........there were many reasons as to why it didnt work.

All i can say, is now you have a future with new hubby, and i know i have learnt to say and do what makes me happy, and any concerns about anything i tell my partner...i dont deny being married before, but i also dont tell people unless they ask or comment...............every marriage is different, and all i know is that this is one i most definatly do want.

Just look to the future and enjoy being engaged and planning your big day

sarah

I'm planning my 2nd wedding :-) the first one was a major mistake I was far too young and didn't have the balls to cancel it, had two lovely children so something good came out of it. I'm now marrying my childhood sweatheart, I did feel strange at first when I was looking at dresses but decided that it was a totally different relationship, different wedding with a different person and shouldn't compare. I'm now treating this one as my 'proper' wedding, no interfering family members - I'm older and wiser and as long as you're marrying the right person, it doesn't matter about the past. Just look towards your wonderful future together x

Hi Gilly,

I have exactly the same issues, and they are why when OH proposed, my first reaction was "no, I can't". How can I make the same vows to 2 people? My first husband left me, yet I was the one who had to sue for divorce otherwise I'd still be technically married! I am also very apologetic about it, it gets mentioned in shops too, and I feel like a bit of a fraud. Especially since last time we had a civil wedding because HE was divorced, but I had the church blessing on our first anniversary. Now my "shameful" past means OH can't marry in church here (none of the churches we have connections to will marry us). We have a compromise - we are having a Church of England wedding in Africa - it's far away so no guests, and no-one to say/think "hmm we've heard this before". Between myself, OH and God, I believe there is peace, I just can't bear to involve anyone else

To MrsH to be

I understand totally where you're coming from, to be totally honest I was concerned about one of my grandparents making comments - thats just what she's like - but she now has alzheimer's disease and in a weird way I feel I can relax abit as I know I dont have to worry about what she might say to my in laws. It's been massively important to me to make everything as differently as possible, so far I have mostly managed that, even my vows will be totally different. But when my OH chose the same suit I felt sick, but as he reminded me there are really only a couple of types of suit for men and I wont be able to make everything different. I just hope that on the day people are so distracted by what is happening that they dont have time to think back - including me!!

It's sad that you feel the only way you can marry is doing it without your friends and family but I do understand your thinking. It's hard to let go of the feelings of failure and being a fraud. I hope that on the day you can relax and enjoy it and not think of what has been but think of what might be.

To everyone who has posted

I just wanted to say thank you for all your thoughts and shared experiences. It has helped me massively to know that I am not alone in having these feelings. I am going to do my best to enjoy the planning and try not to get too bogged down in negative feelings. I suppose this is a new life and a new beginning and I need to separate myself and my wedding from what has gone before.

xx