Selfish families- OM's advice?- a little update.

What a shame that ure rowing 10 weeks before, its prob all still up in the air but i think they'll come round......unfortunately families are families and they'll never change, tell them the reasons why u made your decision!! be patient they'll come round xxxx

That is awful for you but first things first, you and OH need to be on he same page. Sit down and discuss all options and outcomes. If you want close friends there then that is your choice,'no one else's. Don't be bullied into it. Explain to family members that numbers are limited and you want people there who make an effort day to day, not once in a blue moon. If hey love you they will get over it. If they s till won't reason with you then it is their loss as they will miss out.

What missus s said!

I had exactly the same issue but we decided it was our day and if people wanted to miss out it their decision. It's your day and you want to surrounded by people who love you and want to share the day with you.

Most of the time its empty threats but if not then then get a reply from them so its definate and invite some friends.

Hope you both get sorted soon.

If he has one brother then IMO he should be invited. I know that you are having a small affair but is it really worth the upset for an extra person, it's not like he's a 2nd cousin it's your OH's brother. I would understand if you didn't get on but to say it's because you havnt met him that many times I think it a bit of a rubbish reason. I had a few plus ones that I'd never met, attend my wedding, but I wouldnt have not invited them because of it.

Did you and your OH not discuss the guest list and come up with the final list with good reasons? If so then stick to your guns. You have no interest in seeing his brother and I don't understand why anyone has the right to get bent out of shape about it, it's not like they care about your OH's relationship with his brother on any other given day.

On the other hand my OH and I dislike my OH's brother immensely, they have absolutely nothing in common and they have never got on well. We were invited to his horrendouly awful wedding a few years ago and went because we felt we had to and couldn't get out of it. We will unfortunately be inviting his brother to ours because OH feels as though he has to (we are very much hoping he declines).

To be honest I think the brother should be invited. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but, as Claire said, it's not like it's a second cousin.

Is the brother the only guest you're quibbling about?

ETA: My OH has only met my brother a couple of times in the ten years we've been together but it never even occurred to me not to invite him. He's an usher too.

I have to agree that I think you should invite Oh brother to the full day. I don't get on very well with my sister, and there have been momensts where I would rather not have her invitrd, but I know that my mum would be devestated. I also hope that one day we will get on better, and that I will be glad she was there on such an important day.

If this were an invite criteria for anyone in my family's wedding, I'd probably never get one, as I've been living overseas for the past 5 years and haven't seen my family all that often. Generally, I've only been flying home for weddings (which I've been invited to, despite being so far away). And now that I'm marrying overseas and probably settling down here forever, I think it will continue to be the case in future.

I think you might mean that they aren't close. That could be different, I suppose. Then again, I'm of the opinion that immediate family should be invited no matter what. I can't stand my dad, but I'm inviting him to my wedding because he's my dad. My OH has never met him, I've asked my OH not to accept my dad's facebook friend request, even. My sister didn't invite him to HER wedding and it caused all sorts of drama.

You say you're fighting with your OH over this, because he's trying to avoid all the fuss by cutting out the meal and inviting his family. I know you probably see that as a horrible idea, but if you think about it in terms of YEARS of family disruption after the fact versus compromising on a wedding breakfast, I think I can see his point. I understand that you want to have your wedding be the perfect day, but in order to have that, you can't be hounded by upset relatives and an unhappy groom because of it. You may have gotten your way on guest list, but it would be a sad start to married life imo. Is there a way to keep costs down and have a buffet style meal, or self-cater some of it? I'm assuming the cost of catering is why you can't have them all there..

We have also not invited other family members- cousins/aunts to the day as again, we dont really know them.

We agreed not to invite his brother to the day time for a couple of resons-

We've been together 7 years, yet I've only met him a handful of times, not through effort or intention, only because we've happened to be in the same pub.

We have 2 children, one 10 month baby, one 4 years old. He's never phoned to say congratulations either time, he's met the oldest once (in passing) and never met the youngest- he doesnt know their names and possibly not the sex of the youngest.

He doesnt know my name.

He was invited to the engagement party but gave no rsvp and didnt show.

As we are limited on numbers because of money we decided to choose friends with whom we are close/ who we see/speak to instead of him.

As a result of the above, we didnt think he would be interested in the wedding as he's not interested in any other aspect of our lives- he doesnt even know where we live.

They dont not get on, he just doesnt have any interest in us or our family and hasnt had in the time me and OH has been together. If we really thought he would have wanted to come we'd have invited him- but I honestly cant get where in the last 7 years he's ever given the impression that would make us think otherwise.

Surely having a child is bigger then getting married and he wasnt fussed that he has nephews, so why would he be about a wedding?

I think now he's kicked up this fuss, others are chiming in that its not fair they are not there all day too- but they are not there for the same reasons.

But where would we have drawn the line then? Our wedding would have doubled and we wouldnt have the funds to do that, we wanted our wedding to be with those that we hold dear and that care for us too- if the shoe was on the other foot I dont think he would want to pay £150 for us to have a dinner and a day with him in place of his close friends.

Also just to add, whether I agree or not, I really appreciate all the opinions for both sides of it, its good to have other non partial opinions all round.

You maybe should have said all this in your initial post, you just implied that you didnt want to invite him based on how many times you have met him. This does change things a little, it sounds like he isn't the best brother in the world, but if this is the case why is your OH wanting to make all these sacrafices to be so accomodating at the last minute?, I don't get it. As Sange said there isn't a great deal you can do about it now anyway.

In the hope that he would decline and then let her invite someone she actually wants to come to her wedding to fill his place? I think she has given very valid reasons why she doesn't feel that he should be a part of their wedding day celebrations.

The sticking point here is the arguing with your OH. If he wants to invite him to save all this bed feeling then I think he should. I'm sure you can fit one more person on a table/in the budget. But stick to your guns about the rest of the extended family if that's what you both want.

Could you still have the meal with the family members added there? However, hes's already declined so i would go ahead with the original plans now.

I would contact him and explain why you didnt invite him all day and say it wasnt to cause offence and you would be glad for him to be there. Even if its for your OH's sake and keeping peace with his family.

Are there other reasons why you dont want him there to the full day?

As its been said already just speak to people and say why you didnt invite him to the full day, then its upto them to come or not. But if they decline then you can invite others along instead.

It's to late if you read the first post, they have since invited him but he as declined in light of the "non invite" the damage is done, but I'm not sure how bad you should feel if at all now. I have a brother, he can be an arse, he is very much about himself, I see him about 3 times a year, but there is no way I could not have him at my wedding because ultimately I love him because he is my flesh and blood.

My OH has a very difficult family, similar in many ways to the mitchells on eastenders.

His sister has a degenerative illness and these people who are so 'family orientated' (yet dont know us) wont talk to her as they think she's stuck up.

I dont like most of that corner of his family as they are drug dealers/users, violent etc. This brother isnt a good brother- his sister threw him out when he went to live with her for a little while because he left cocaine and paraphernalia over the floor when she had a young child.

They are all very 'together' and if you dont visit them then you dont see them- which is why we no longer see them as I was fed up of making all the effort.

My OH was happy with the guest list based on having those closest to us there, he wanted the sit down meal as it was the bit he was most looking forward too.

If i'm honest, us not talking will not change my life at all- they dont talk to me or my children anyway, for him, it will effect his friendship possibly with a cousin he's close too and his friends as they all drink in the family pub. Everyone he see's regularly family wise is invited.

It isnt his whole family with the problem, he has three sisters and a brother who dont talk with that corner of the family and they are all close with us, his step mum will n doubt still come and his paternal grandparents will be fine.

Those that may have a problem over his brother are 3 cousins, an aunt/uncle and grandparents.

Its a mess and I think he wants to fix something that cant be fixed- he is not blood related to them and hand on heart I think they treat him like that too- I think he wants them to be there as 'family' now he thinks they feel that strongly but I really dont feel they are doing it to be anything other then just difficult.

His grandparents for example, always always going on about how wonderful his cousins are- never a word of praise for him despite him being a brilliant man. His cousin has a child, his nan adores, talks about, speaks to despite the dad (his cousin) no longer being with the mum... My four year old doesnt know who they are and they couldnt remember his name at christmas.

I get upset because he doesnt see they dont really treat him like family half the time... only when it suits at times like this.

I would be happier if none of them were there, but it was his call so I would never have said no.

Damage is done. you could say "oh i'm sorry i didnt realise you would be bothered hence the evening invite only" and there fore explaining the reasons....that might lessen the bad feeling.

but as it was ajoint decision between you & your OH (not as if you said NO your brother can not come coz he doesnt now our youngests name) then you and your OH need to talk about it further.

If people dont come...thats there loss for missing out on your big day. you will be there marrying the man of your dreams. they will be sat at home watching x factor.

Hindsight is wonderful.... if we could have anticipated it would cause a problem we'd have invited him to keep the peace.

There probably would still have been an issue then over his lack of plus one, or other cousins not invited.

he spoke to his mum (step) about not inviting all family members before the invites went out... her view was, if it was even just the two of them and nobody else they'd be happy, they understood money was tight and they were happy.

Since then, after invites have gone out and a chat with her sister (who is also invited all day) she's changed and thinks its awful.

He did say that, but brother didnt care. I dont know what more we can do, we apologised, extended the invite but he is continuing to be stroppy and rope everyone else into it too to back him up.

Why if he doesnt care every other day for the last 365 days of each year should we have thought he might on this occasion. Honestly, I was so surprised by it, he lives 20 minutes up the road- its not as if its a case of him living too far to show interest... he's just never wanted too.

I'm not inviting my mother or brothers or any of her side of the family. Ive explained to my dads side why and they understand. I don't think there will be much fall out in my case as I very much doubt that side of the family even know I am getting married.

Family or no, I go by you invite who you want at your wedding. Not all families are close, not all families love each other.

I'm sorry brother or not he has made no effort so IMO you have every right to not invite him.

in all honesty (i dont know you, your OH or Bro) probably be cause he can. he has no interest at any other time like you say & you've done your part. you cant do any more now. say to your OH...its done now. they've got the choice to come or not......and move on to nice happier thoughts. tell the MIL exactly the same.

(sounds harsh & i know im harsh but its got to be done sometimes)

If he can't be bothered to even offer a congratulations after you had your children, then I think you should stick to your guns and invite those that ave been there for you. My mum has a massive family and we all get along, but there is just no way i could invite them all all day. Your BIL has missed out on so much of your lives, it sounds like hes only interested in the wedding for the prospect of a p1ss up! x

Just to update....

It seems these so called 'family' were out to cause trouble from the off, whatever we've done there will always have been something wrong....

I got a message yesterday (on my facebook wall! despite everyone having my phone number) saying

"Hi Thank you for your invite not sure if I can make it yet. Very disappointed with my mum n dads invite. Been ****'s Nan n Grandad for 20 years now jack n joy*. Manners dont cost a penny."

(I changed their names) so i asked what it was all about as they were invited and to the whole days event.... well I'm disrespectful because on the envelope for their invite I wrote their actual names and not 'nan and grandad'. I've done this on everyones and nobody else has minded.... I didnt know I should have done different, it didnt cross my mind!

Now I think this aunt is incredibly rude and has been extremely rude in writing this on my facebook of all places for the world to see- I'm not the sort to put private matters out in public. All I want to do is to send all concerned in this *** fest against me a message saying that as I have so clearly offended them and they have now offended me, I would like them not to come at all.... but my other half doesnt want me to do this as it'll make everyone even angrier.... i couldnt care less now as our relationship with them at this point is already irreparable and he's said this himself- if they have the nerve to come to my wedding I will not be saying a single word to them as I dont want them there at all. Its not as if there was much of a relationship anyway, we only saw them once a year as we made the effort to stop in at christmas.... not anymore!

So through the grapevine we have been told that the reason they are doing all this is because a certain family member they dont talk to (who we are very close with) has in their opinion influenced the guest list- which is untrue as if she had, they would not have been invited at all.

So they really are just plain selfish whether we were wrong to invite my BIL or not, makes no difference- they still would have nit picked to cause trouble.

Well then i think they should hear via the grapvine that u r sticking to your guns and that they are ridiculous!

They are annoyed you addressed the envelope with people's names rather than nan and granddad? Seriously?

This may have moved into the top three of ridiculous things I've heard on Hitched.

I wish I could remember the other two.

All my invites were names on the front rather than Mum & Dad/Gran INCASE i had to post them. no one has said anything about it.

ridic

Yep, manners dont cost a thing apparently.... shame she doesnt remember that more herself.

I'm so cross they think it acceptable to talk to me like that and still expect to be even allowed to come, let alone have the ball in their court. My hubby to be is just too nice. I REALLY want to uninvite them... then they could moan all they like about my manners.

Honestly, me and my OH are such laid back people, we always think of others, avoid offending and never argue with anyone... its really not in our nature, if there's a dissagreement we try to talk it through with people, shame he wasnt blessed with a family the same (his paternal family is lovely btw), this corner of the family have fallen out with eachother more times then I've had hot dinners, they've not spoken to this neice who we are close with for years.

My argument is that I have done so with everyone on all sides of the family to avoid confusion, I wrote them and they are not my nan and grandad anyway. What would they have me put on the place cards then too... as then it could get quite confusing for the seating plan?

In the off chance you don't uninvite them, I would suggest putting "Joy 'Nan' Lastname" on her place card (substituting her real name, of course).

Than again, I'm all for uninviting them the way they've been treated; however, it's not your decision to make as they're not your family. It's up to you OH. If it were my family acting like this I wouldn't hesitate to strike them off the guest list. I've had a pen hovering over my dad's name for a while anyways, but he's the only worry I have, and luckily he's just bonkers and not mean-hearted like these people seem to be

Good luck and happy thoughts!

How awful, I hope you manage to sort the situation out. As this woman has been so rude on facebook, I would reply on there saying "according to wedding etiqette, this was how we decided to write on everybodies invites" she will get the message, and everybody else will see how awful she is being to you too. Then leave it at that and hopefully your OH will decide to strike them off, just make it clear to him where you will stand in future with them.

I see on your post " they've not spoken to this neice who we are close with for years." I think this is the real issue here why they have all probably kicked off? and needed a reason to be spiteful to you? Jealousy, because you are both nice people. I have some family like that and they re not invited to mine. I cant be surrounded by people that drag me down and make me depressed, why do people in life feel they they should do that to others? Pathetic. Dont be surrounded on both your special day who want to ruin it. It costs too much for a start!

Feckless is a much politer word then I've been using lol.

OH has said he doesnt want them struck off yet so as not to upset his step mum further, he wants her there despite her being in with it all. I agree that i'd like her there too as she's not normally like this and i think being hugely influenced by her poisonous sister. If she doesnt come there's a good chance his dad will end their relationship as that is what my FIL has said will happen. We wouldnt want to feel responsible for that.

So, crossing fingers massively that they rsvp as a no, as i shall not make them welcome if they do come, I cant imagine my family will and the seating plan will be incredibly difficult as most of the other guests will not want to be sat with them. As much as id' like to, I dont think i'd get away with just sticking them in a corner facing the wall.

Happily, we've decided to go ahead with current plans and not change anything now, regardless of who is there. OH has however now said he does not want his brother there at all now as he see's him as the catalyst for all this (personally i think its the aunt). We do both agree though that his brother probably doesnt have a genuine want to be there and did just want to be difficult 'out of principle'- just because he wasnt invited to the day.

I'm glad in a way this has all come about before the wedding, now everyone has at least shown their true colours and now we will not waste another christmas or other occasion visiting them to be polite. Things will never be the same no matter what we do now.

I think your spot on here. We have always said it is jealousy so it really would be just true to form. I have never got on well with her, but i think OH thought they cared more then they really do. I have never felt they treated him right as he is not 'blood' family (step) but he's never wanted to see it... though now i think its been made pretty clear that he cared more about them then they did him.

Unfortunately, now its a waiting game for RSVPs unless i offend them again before then. Here's hoping lol.

Such a shame for him as he has to see his family turn on him. its a shame for you both and I hope it sorts itself out in the end. At least he has found his natural family too,

Im just concerned to read that the dad will end the relationship if she doesnt go? that sounds like they all have some major issues going on and just as I said before, needed an excuse to kick all this off. just let them get on with their own problems and try to enjoy it with the people you do want there. Best of luck.