sensitive advice needed

I am doing something for my OH. His grandad passed away 3 years ago who he was very very close to. He is very upset that his grandad cannot be part of our special day.

As his wedding present from me, I will be sending him some photo cufflinks in the morning with a picture of his grandad on them. Along with a note to say that this way his grandad will be by his side all through our special day x

Welcome to Hitched. Sorry to hear about your Father in Law.

Soulmates Flowers do pocket photo memory charms - your OH could wear one inside his jacket on the day? https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.153372911453918.12508.138236789634197&type=3

And maybe do a toast to your FIL during the speeches?

I must admit, I'm very much on the side of 'less is more' when it comes to remembering loved ones on your wedding day and I think a few little touches can be perfect.

I think that any plans to remember your fiance's father need to be made by your fiance. It is up to him whether he wants personal reminders or not, and whether those personal reminders will be for himself, for you, or shared.

With an (understandably) possessive sister who is dealing with her own grief (and, sorry, but she is probably thinking things like "It was my Dad, not hers"), I don't think you carrying photos or similar is appropriate - I'm afraid that would look a little like you're trying to muscle in (even if that's not the intention in any way). I think it's fairly normal to use grandparents' names for children (well, it is in my family) but can see how YOU suggesting it might have been ill-received and especially when such suggestions are still theoretical (I gather). Again, that seems a little like muscling in (and again, I understand that that isn't your intention).

Me too.

I just love the idea with the cufflinks! Perfect!

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law. I'm sure it was such an awful shock for you all.

Secondly, welcome to Hitched.

My OHs nan died a few years ago whom he was very close to. She was without a doubt one of the loveliest women I've ever met & always tried to put a smile on the face of others.

I was very lucky to have known her & wanted to have a little nod to her in my own way. I checked with OH (as it is his nan) and have decided to have a small pin badge with a sunflower on it which will be pinned on my bouquet... Sun flowers were her favourite flowers.

By having something subtle like a pin badge or something similar it's a nice way to have them there without possibly being over the top in some people's opinions and perhaps without meaning to, upsetting members of the family.

My advice would be to run it by your OH whatever you choose.

It is a delicate subject for which there is no one correct answer.

Some couples I have photographed have had a framed print of the "missing" person located next to the cake....

Peter

I am also very sorry about your loss and would like to welcome you to Hitched.

I think all advices above are valid and it all very much depends how your OH feels, like Footers said.

Another option is to do a "couples" photos, with both a picture of when your parents got married and another of when his parents got married and put by the cake table.

That way is subtle and you can also pay a homage to the living at the same time, just appreciating the work they did for you and not making it an "in-memoriam" event.

Good luck on whatever you decide to do *hugs*

Hi and welcome.

This is a difficult situation and I am very sorry for your loss. As others have said less is more, and should probably, if not come from, but be agreed by your OH. I do think though it is a lovely thing to do for lots of people involved. A friend had the same situation, and in the evening they requested the band played his Dad's favourite song. It wasn't sad, but really pulled the family together.

At my OHs brothers wedding there was a short passage on the order of service about remembering those who couldn't be there today. We all knew who it meant and it was just a little nod to his dad who died when they were 16.

One lovely thing I have seen that is very subtle is a beer pump clip whereby the couple had a photo of their grandad, a title and then a little description of the beer that also outlined his personality, it might have even been a little 'saying' of his I can't remember but it made people smile as it was like the grandad buying them a pint obviously this wouldn't work if he wasn't a drinker etc xx

Welcome to hitched. Hope your plans are going well.

It's a difficult situation. I would discuss it with the other half and see what he would like to do.

Personally for me at our wedding neither of us have grand parents alive and some of our aunts/uncles have also passed. I am doing a memory tree type thing. Small passport size pics of the people we loved who are no longer with us. A ribbon above it saying always in our hearts. It will placed at the reception along side the signing board.

I personally do not wish for people to be mentioned indviudally in the speeches as i know for a fact it will be too hard for me to cope with. Although a toast in memory of those who are not present will be ok. For some reason i cannot begin to imagine how i will be on the day about my grampa not being there everytime i think of it i burst into tears.(he passed away 19 years ago!)

Obviously you have the whole of the OH family to think about. Maybe see if they have any suggestions or do a scrap book of ideas and run it passed your oh, his sister and mother.

Completely agree with this. I like the idea of cufflinks being sent to your OH. I think that'd be best as it's his dad and i'm sure he'd appreciate the lovely gesture.

Hello, and welcome to hitched.

Subtle might be the best option, as others have said. My fiancé lost his grandad shortly before we met, and has a pair of his cufflinks which he has chosen to wear on the day. We had thought of having some of the flowers put on his grandad's grave afterwards, but that is proving more difficult (almost 200miles from the venue and his family are staying for the week).

Is it a church wedding? My cousin lit a candle in rememberance of lost loved ones. I took my top table decorations to my grandads grave. I think though I'm a bit more practical headed over emotional and didnt want it to turn into a big deal. We couldn't have paid rememberance to all that we had lost and didn't want to single any out.

I can see why the sister may be upset and would run any ideas through your OH and have him raise what you'd like to do. She's probably thinking it's not you who has lost your dad (even though you care too) and maybe wishing she'd had your name idea when she had originally named her children and she won't be able to do it now.

Hello,

first of all sorry for your loss. I am a little but of a lurker here and have never posted before but this is really relevant to me and hope my perspective helps.

I lost my dad 4 years ago and my only brother got married one year after his death. Was an incredibly happy day but it was also still quite raw and as a family we wanted to ensure that he was part of the day. It was all discussed in advance and at my mums request she spoke a few words during the speeches. She was still really grieving but was amazing. Her words were very much about Darren's wedding it it reflected on dad missing out and how much we missed him. Obviously this is not an approach that would suit everyone but it was important to mum and we had all discussed in advance what we would like. It was a highly charged, emotional ten mins but for us that was ok. We raised a glass to him and in we went.

so I was the sister in law then and although I wouldn't have responded the way your sister in law did / does you have to understand that everyone grieves in very different ways and I think the key to this us open discussion so there are no surprises / shocks on the day.

We now plan to get married in 2015 and I plan to have a photo of my dad beside me at top table where he should be (but I am having a bit of a photo frame thing going on around the room anyway) I also hope to speak about my dad during speeches. It will be short and sweet but I want it to be me who raises a glass to him. Again it will probably be a bit emotional but do you know what.... That's ok!!! I would rather see a few tears but make sure we remembered how much he is missed on such big occasions and then just as liked we'll have a drink and a laugh and a good old get together!!

your oh and sister might have very different feelings about how they want to remember him but no two people deal with things the same and it needs to be a conversation that's had.

Good luck. Xx

I lost my dad a few years ago and he will be very much missed on our big day. To make sure he's part of our day, my h2b will be wearing his kilt pin and my nephew will wear a pair of his cuff links - and my mum will no doubt mention him in her speach (she's giving me away). enough for him to be remembered but hopefully not enough to make me howl!!

When I got married, my husband and I jointly wanted to recognise a family member that was no longer with us by choosing a charity that somehow linked to that person and asked for sponsorship to run a marathon together instead of wedding gifts. We did not mention that it was for the person that passed away - but the people that knew us really well understood what we were doing anyhow... And for us it was a great gift as we could only get into the London marathon with charity sponsorship as all the personal paid places had gone... There are all sorts of charity sponsored things that can be done ... Just an idea...