Should I send this letter to my MIL? UPDATE

My immediate reaction is no. she may well not know how, and i think it would be better in person, just you and her.

Hmm, you're right of course. But she would interrupt every sentence and I might shout ?

No way, sorry.

It's a bit long. i possibly would have lost the will to live a third of the way through. sorry. ?

can't you send a letter saying you want a chat instead?

WHS. Also, the message should come from your H not you.

A no from me as well. It's a lovely letter and well written but from what I've read on here about your MIL I can't see it being well received or making a scrap of difference. I think it might make things a whole lot worse.

You could probably cut the shouting bit by arranging to speak in a public place, i.e. going out for coffee or dinner? tricky one.

It's none of her business how you and your family live your lives. Why should you explain and apologise to her about it?

If anything, your husband needs to have a word with her. I'd stay out of it.

Oh God, Soph, will you tell him that please? ? I've been saying that for months and months and he refuses to deal with it in a grown up way. He just tells me to "get arsey with them." His strategy works, since they really only reserve criticism for me now.

Maybe give her the letter in person and explain that you wanted to talk to her but you knew that in most likelyhood there'd be shouting and nothung would get resolved, so ask her to read it while you stick the kettle on and then you can discuss it? Iwouldnt just send it her i don't think.

Good luck either way x

My first reaction was "ouch!". Definitely don't send it, it will get her back up and make her feel defensive.

You're essentially saying you're busier than they are and they can't possibly understand how busy and important you are. I know that's not your intention in writing, but if there's already tension, that's almost certainly how she'll read it.

I agree with Nick, you need to deal with this in person.

Actually I would send it. I might just go through it again and shave a few words here and there to make it more manageable. But I do think that's the kind of letter than she will want to digest, discuss with her OH, and then get back to you on.

As you say, I think if you try to have it as a conversation, she will pretend that there's no such situation on her part at all, which won't help at all.

I think it's gentle but assertive. If nothing else it's really really helpful to write down what you would say if you had the opportunity to talk it out sensibly.

She doesn't sound like she'd give you airspace though if you just talked to her, some people are just like that.

But if you feel discussed an disapproved of, then this letter may well just add fuel to that particular fire.

I'm not being helpful am I? Sorry. Good luck though.

I think it's gentle but assertive. If nothing else it's really really helpful to write down what you would say if you had the opportunity to talk it out sensibly.

She doesn't sound like she'd give you airspace though if you just talked to her, some people are just like that.

But if you feel discussed an disapproved of, then this letter may well just add fuel to that particular fire.

I'm not being helpful am I? Sorry. Good luck though.

Oh god, Ladelly, that wasn't the intention at all. I'm not saying we're more important, but we are busier.

To put it into context, this isn't the odd phone call. This is being balled out because you haven't responded within 24 hours and several calls per day.

I'm thinking not, and would agree with what someone previously said, should this come from your H since it is his family? Sounds a horrid situation though, and needs dealing with.

A no from me as well. Better said in person. And at the risk of a flaming, if your husband doesn't react well to criticism, what's he going to do when he's a head teacher and getting it from all sides? Ie - local authority, OFSTED, irate parents, teachers etc. etc. etc?

Also, at the risk of another flaming - take a long look at your letter - it doesn't say anything about your MIL or their lifestyle, and everything about yours. Your family unit seems to need another 10 hours in every day and an extra day in the week, you're all so very very busy. I have members of my family running around like headless chickens with no "time out" just to "be".

The above is in no way meant as a criticism, but just a gentle nudge to slow down a bit if you can.... ?

The other thing i ve just thought of is that in my experience older people can get really funny about phone calls. for instance, if my father calls me on my mobile and i dont pick up, he ll call again 10 minutes later. then again an hour later. i ve told him countless times that if i dont pick up or dont ring back right away that its because i cant, and i ll get back to him when i can. he always nods and seems to accept it, but them does it again a few days later ?. i ve tried to use examples of when he was working and how busy he was etc, and again he nods, but it doesnt sink in. similarly, my uncle (mothers side) is like this, as is madams grandfather, and both her aunts. they will leave messages at home and say things like "oh, i rang for a chat but i see youre out again. i just think that some older people who dont have much going on can fixate on the telephone and they can and do build it up into something really vital in their lives. i actually think that this is for us (us as in the younger ones) to recognise this and to try to respond quicker than we would to a friend of a similar age.

your bit in the letter a bout the phone calls is quite whiny i think, and one thing madam does which works is she ll ring when she gets the message and say that she doesnt have time to speak now, but will call on sunday at 8pm or whatever, and that definitely works and takes the heat out of it.

Could a solution be to have a regular time when you call them for a chat? Say, on Sunday evenings? That way you can schedule it into your week and they would know when they can expect to hear from you.

Clairy, I know you're not saying that, but I think it's pretty likely that it's how she'll read it given things you've said in the past.

Edit, because I mean things you've said about how she is, not things you've said to her, if that makes sense?

Also, Nick's point about the older generation and the telephone is another good one. Mr L's father will ring his mobile, the house phone and my mobile and wonder what's wrong if no one answers. I don't know if it's cultural or generational or whatever, but the idea of a set time to phone is probably a good one.

Actually, that's a good strategy Nick. And I see what you mean about older people. This is the sort of conversation I am wanting to have with her TBH. However, I suspect it's more because we don't shop at Primark and Aldi exclusively and they think we're a bit snobby.

Re our work-life balance - I see what you're saying, but it's how we want to live. We are both ambitious and, most of the time, we are happy. Put it this way, if slowing down means not doing the things that I enjoy and just doing the necessary drudgery things, I am not slowing down ? We're all happy, except the ILs.

Also re H and criticism - it's a valid point, but criticism from your Mum will always make you respond differently from professional criticism ? Also, it's something he's learning to deal with - I don't think it's as simple as black and white TBH. We're both having to develop new skills all the time.

If you are going to send it, i'd prune out all the stuff about how you spend your time tbh. i like the line about them not to take it personally about you not calling them back though. i don't think they need all the details.

i'd also cut out the potty training example, it kid of sounds like you've been dwelling on it and are bearing a grudge. i'd just say something along the lines of that although they may raise their eyebrows at some of your parenting decisions, that you believe you're doing the best you can and making the right decisions

My gut reaction was no, because I know that it had the need to send something like that to my mum or dad, they would read it, then read it again, then again etc and finally they would actually start reading something into it that isn't there. But then again, maybe that's just my ;parents

I think this is a good idea and I'll talk to H about it.

However, MIL is very insistent that she doesn't like her time pre-committed in any way so I don't think it'll be popular with her. The issue is more that she (and the Aunt) believe that they should have access to us 24/7 and get very, very upset if we don't phone back immediately. That's rarely possible. They phone home - then work - then each of our mobiles. Then they say that they've phoned 4 phones and we haven't answered so we must be ignoring them. However, if you're in a meeting and are unable to answer the phone, then it's pretty irrelevant which phone they call on, isn't it? We probably do speak to them once a week on average.

However, this does feel like a compromise and is maybe something I can put forward - thank you.

I don't know all of the background but we are in a similar situation with my future in laws due to a rift between H2B and his sister. There have been many times in the last few months that I have wanted to write to MIL2B to try and put his/our view across. H2B is similar to yours in that he either gets defensive and angry or sticks his head in the sand so I often feel things are protracted and not sorted out as quickly as they could be. On every occasion I've stopped myself from getting involved. I am now glad as I am already being used as one of a many scapegoats in the argument, despite not having any involvement in it or even being present when it occured, so can only assume that if I'd actually told the in laws what I thought I'd now be completely ostratcised (sp)!

MIL2B sent a letter to both H2B and his sister trying to resolve things however it has actually has made H2B feel alot worse about the situation as he has interpreted the tone of her letter as blaming him for the argument. I would just be wary of putting anything in writing but also appreciate that it is very hard to discuss face to face with some people. As others have said, I really feel this should come from your H also.

Sorry - not helped much I know but wanted to empathise!

He (your H) also needs to grow a pair and deal with her directly. ultimately, she s his mother, not yours.

this may (or may not ?) help you as well. my mother is very controlling and manipulative, and though she s lovely, it gets a bit tiresome. so now, both of us make a joke of it and tell her to stop trying to manipulate us, and that no, we re not going to buy that (hideous) nest of graphite tables which she so kindly send a flyer though the post about, and no, its not to our taste, but thanks for sending it etc. i ve found that the direct approach works very well.

then there was the time when she kept pestering us to go for dinner with them, and another couple they know. the guy is a bigot, a homophobe, and all round twat, and we kept saying no, and why. she said fair enough. then some weeks later, she invited us for dinner, we arrived, and they were there too. i gritted my teeth a nd we all had dinner, but when i got home i rang her and hit the roof. she hasnt tried anything similar since.

well, she cant have it both ways. youre busy in the week, and if you are prepared to make a committment to a time, so should she.

I think you should send it-albeit in a more abridged version (says I, the queen of verbose!!). I also think that it should be sent jointly from you and H-they are his parents after all, and you want to present the sentiments within as shared by both. Having him co-sign would be one way. As an aside, I wrote a letter to one of H's relatives who had offended us, and H co-signed. He is just not good with that sort of thing, and a verbal in person dialogue wasn't desirable . It also wasn't feasible due to geography etc.

I personally wouldn't send a letter, as apart from the fact that things can be read into it that aren't really there - it could also get passed round the family and friends to be commented upon, and people who you may not want to see it,or become involved in it, could be.

It's also something that can be dragged out and waved in front of your face in the future, if things get nasty, whereas a verbal conversation has no written "proof"!

Fark me, that is SO out of order ??

Thanks for all the sensible suggestions - and keep them coming. It's given me hope that I can actually resolve it.

I'm worried that the same thing happened with H's ex - they were together 10 years and something similar happened. We've now been together 8 years and MIL still goes on about her strange ways and how her and H didn't have enough sex ? I guess I have to accept them the way they are, and them me.

I also agree that H needs to talk to them; I'm going to talk to him about it this evening. I am frustrated because they've had me in tears a number of times - because there are 3 of them it feels like being back in the school playground.

I'm going to see FIL now - MIL has made it very clear she won't be at home to meet me. However, he's OK and I'll go and have a cup of tea and a chat. He gets the same treatment, with his daughters regularly and publicly slagged off by MIL, AP and SIL so we have some common ground at least.

They're a little insecure, I think, and take great reassurance that they're "real family." H is sort of real family, but he's a bloke so it's not the same. FIL, me and BIL are all in the same "not family" category. This is mainly led by the maiden Aunt - and she gets quite upset if anyone says that the Grandchildren look like someone from the "not family" category. That could be because MIL has been married 3rd time.

It's very political - and AIL is the one who causes the problems I think. MIL sees herself very much as a victim, always has. AIL sees herself as saviour, always has. They don't know where I fit into the family scenario as I am female, and therefore clearly a sub category of "not family" with whom they have lots in common, whilst still remaining NF ? This means that I float around between being a friend, and a threat. AIL over-emphasises threats, so she can be the saviour. MIL concurs so she can be the victim.

Last time we had this, she kept implying I fancied FIL <deep sigh> ?

I think the family politics you describe happened in my Mum's family when I was a child. I remember my Grandmother and my Dad being allies as part of the 'not family' group - my Great-Aunt, who was my Grandfather's sister, was kind of the matriarch of the family and despised anyone who merely 'married in'.

Do they have mobiles? If so, can you send a text when the leave messages they expect you to respond to, so you can acknowledge that you got their message and say that you'll call them at a particular time.