SIL assumptions...

I've had something similar were my sister assumed we would be having the two nephews as page boys and that she would be CBM...I managed to say that it was too early into planning to know who was doing what! I really don't want her involved. We are having a really small wedding and OH and I decided it would be best to just have our best friends in the wedding party.

I think a lot of people just make assumptions about weddings without ever asking or considering that it is not their day. It's happened so many times with friends before. I think you just need to firm, make a decision and stick to it. If you aren't fussed about them wearing the same suits, then that's ok, but you also have to consider whether they are within the bridal party photos... I'd say go with your initial thought on this...it is your and the OH's day and not the family's (although they are important).

We had a similar thing with my husband's sister. We were on a tight budget, only had 18 day guests (that included myself, my husband and my daughter!). After discussing our plans and budget, we made our decisions on what we wanted/could afford and went ahead with our arrangements.

Decided only flowers were for me, my daughter (but used artificial one's she used at my sisters wedding a few months earlier) and buttonholes for the men - none of the women were bothered about flowers (which helped save us money!) but then sil, mil & husband's nan decided 2 months before that they did want corsages!! And the 2 nephews had to have buttonholes too - and confused the florist over the extras plus delivery arrangements ? this then lead onto how they had been trying to pick up suits for the 2 nephews (sil's 2 boys) to match my husband and best man's suits (didn't arrange suits for dad's and bil's, plus 2 nephews, to help keep costs down! - which they all knew about). Then it was a 'Can you come suit shopping for the boys, it's important that they match and fit in with the wedding'. Sent husband round with a 'Do you think they should be pageboys?', got a no but it still felt kinda awkward. My daughter was bridesmaid, and didn't plan anyone else. It's not affected anything else or relationships with us all, luckily, as i did feel at one point that maybe we had offended them by them deciding on flowers a couple of months before, the suit/buttonholes issue with the boys, plus his immediate family were making comments along the lines of 'what transport are you arranging for us' (none !), 'is this a real wedding, what happens because i've only ever been to church weddings' (by his nan!). etc, etc.

We did also give our guests for the evening reception (had abig evening do with around 150 guests) and even though we had given plenty of info, there were still family who proceeded to ask stuff that was either already included in the invite or was something that i wouldn't dream of asking - i'd not presume anything unless told or asked by the bride and groom.

Some people do tend to hear the word wedding and make the assumption that because they are family that they are automatically involved in the immediate wedding party. Are you having any bridesmaids, are they family and is he the only boy in the family? If he's the only boy and you've got nieces as bridesmaids, then i think it's be a nice touch to fit him out in a suit (whether you pay or his parents pay is your decision, but i think you need to be honest about your decision and tell them asap, especially if you can't afford it/haven't budgeted for it), but if no other children are involved in the wedding party then i would be tempted to be honest and explain that you hadn't actually thought to include him in the wedding party as you didn't feel that there was a role for him (ie, he isn't best man, father of the bride, usher, etc, etc), then either leave it like that or throw in the "We would be more than happy for him to match up with the other male wedding party, unfortunately we hadn't budgeted for this so if you would like him to match the other's then it's going to cost X amount". It can be a bit of a minefield over who does what, who pays for what, etc.

We have had all the planning done from very early in the engagement, which all the family know, so I was surprised that she should assume, as we would have asked ages ago!

My initial thoughts are - no kids! F is lovely and OH adores him, he has stayed with us a fair few times over the years, but it's not like we are especially close or see him regularly. We really don't have a role for him, so my natural thinking is - why would he be in a matching suit? And how odd for FSIL to think he would be, considering we have never mentioned it, or asked her if he can be page boy, do a reading etc etc.

The thing I am wondering is, OH's family is quite religious, except OH... maybe in church ceremonies it is usual to have page boys, ring bearers and that's where her thoughts were jumping to...?

However she has known for the past year it is civil, and I am having a bridesman and no maids, so not exactly traditional. Luckily she didn't seem offended, but its still odd.

Yeah, i think you're right with maybe them going to church and church weddings having a more formal setting to them and i think it brings out the whole 'children of the immeiate family being included'. I think you just go with what feels right for both of you, make her clear (in a nice way) and move on from it. ?

I doubt it has anything to do with a church, if my sisters were getting married I know my daughter would be part of the wedding party so maybe she felt the same way? It is your wedding though so entirely your choice if you include your Hs nephew. I had my sisters 2 boys as pageboys as I am very close to them and loved how cute they looked in their suits- they stole the limelight a bit mind ?

My Hs sister assumed I would have her as a BM at my wedding- that was a very difficult conversation to have! You just have to honest and straight from the start so that people don't start getting away planning your day for you.

That's the thing I feel a bit bad about, like it is natural for people to think their kids are in the wedding - when for me it is natural to assume unless asked, you/your kids aren't involved! I feel like maybe me and OH have been unintentionally rude, it never occured to us that F would be involved... we discussed it at the start of our planning and OH didn't really want him involved, not for any horrible reason, just because he felt his best man and usher was fine and we weren't wanting a huge wedding party. Plus F will be about nearly 10, so from what I have read, that's a bit old for the whole cute pageboy/ringbearer role, and we felt that role didn't suit our wedding anyway. He will be the only child there so it really is a more adult focussed day.

I had similar dilemmas with my cousins children that are my godchildren. When we got engaged, she said the kids had been practising walking up the aisle, carrying rings etc! I felt honoured, but shocked as we hadn't even decided on which country to get married in!

It would have been a lovely memory for them to be part of our big day, but, if I had chosen a pageboy, it would have been another cousins child that I am closer too, a bit older & much better behaved.

I did consider having the kids for the ceremony, then not asking them to the reception. I thought this would be difficult for the parents to drop kids off at a babysitter (as the venue was 45 mins from their home) & awkward for me to ask that of them. In the end we didnt have any kids in the ceremony at all- you need to do what you want to do, and dont be bullied into it my other peoples assumptions.

Thanks - I think we are going to stick to our first plans. Though this weekend I have been umming and ahhing over if to find a role for the nephew, which lead to me thinking maybe I should ask my FSIL to be bridesmaid, which made me think uh-oh then my closest female cousins would get offended so I should ask them too...! At one point I was actually working out the extra costs for adding 3 bridesmaids and a kids suit to the wedding party and I suddenly thought 'stop and stick to the plan!'