SIL2B...had enough - UPDATED!

Well, I have to say that speaking to your SIL and "telling her what's what" would probably be the worst course of action. Her behaviour is revolting, and it is clearly having a massive effect on you and on her family, but it it was as simple as someone needing to tell her the error of her ways then addiction and mental illness would be much easier to solve than they actually are.

It sounds as if your PIL are trying to keep her safe/OK but in the wrong way, and as you say the net result is that they are enabling her to continue to drink. Maybe now's not the time, with the wedding coming up, but nothing is going to change unless they accept that they have to let her be treated, even if it's against her will.

In the meantime, I don't know what to suggest. You know, I'd be almost expecting her to have some kind of crisis on or around your wedding day. Sounds terrible, but can you talk to your H about it and try to find ways to at least not let it wreck your day if she does? What will your PIL do if she demands they stay at home or threatens to hurt herself during the day? Is there anyone who can come and sit with her on the wedding day to let your PIL come along without worrying or feeling guilty?

Long term, al-anon might help as they are the organisation for relatives of alcoholics. Who is looking after her depression? Is there a GP or consultant who should be made aware of what's going on with her?

I'd tell your H2b to grow some balls and say no to them (his sister especially). I don't think it is your place to say anything to them, it's up to your H2b as it's his family. I would speak to your H2b and let him know how you feel about it and what you think he should do but really it's up to him.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like there's much you can do. If you vent all this at them, it's not goping to change anyone's behaviour, and it's just going to cause even more of a rift than there already is.

I totally, totally understand why you are so upset by this, it much be rotten to have your poor H run ragged like this. But it's up to him as to whether he stands up to his family or not - all you can do is support him.

As far as you can, ignore her behaviour. If she doesn't want to come to the wedding, that's her look-out. Once the extension is finished, I'd maybe encourage your H to distance himself from the whole sorry mess.

That's what I thought too, asked PIL2B if we could discuss this and come up with strategies, they point blank refused. As it is she may come to the ceremony but she has to make a final decision 3 hours before and stick to it and she can't make the parents late. She may come to the evening, by that point I don't care!

I know it doesn't help to tell her what's what but selfishly it would make me feel 100 times better! I'd never do it of course. She's on meds and has been seen by psychiatrists but she decides she doesn't like them and sometimes refuses to take her medication.

That's a really good idea. I know H2B has to deal with it but he's got real blinkers on where his family is concerned, grr!

Wow. what a horrid situation. I really feel for you.

I can understand why your in laws are doing what they are doing. However, I would consider having a chat with yoru husband about his continuing role in this. HE has his own house, his own life and shortly his own family, and enabling her will only lead to a lifetime of her coming first. i would honestly want distance from her if it were my husband. I bet he's forgotten what a life dominated by her is like- give him a taste and he'll probably love it.

None of my business, but it seems far better to use the money for the materials for the flat to send her to rehab. It might not be successful, sure, but it'll definatly be more succesful than a bloody granny flat in the garden. Your in laws are enabling her too, but if they don't want to change that, its up to them.

I'd be inclined to univite her from the wedding, (maybe in a nicer way, saying its obviously causing you a lot of stress so why don't we see you after) seeing as thats the only thing you have control over but I know how hard that is.

It's really difficult because until she accepts that she needs help - and that might have to come by PIL and your H taking the safety net away - then she's got nothing to gain by changing things. A friend of mine and my brother both work with "dual diagnosis" clients - those who have both addiction and mental health issues - and they have both said that it's a really difficult thing to treat successfully.

Do you think SIL will decide 3 hours in advance, or is that a red rag to a bull and she'll mess about because she's been given an ultimatum? I can see that PIL are very reluctant to rock the boat, so can you and H decide what will happen in the event that SIL is still pulling strings 20 minutes before the ceremony starts? Can you agree that you won't delay the ceremony, or that you can but only by x amount? And will your H stick to that?

As has been said, it's really for your H to lay down the law with his parents - that they can carry on colluding and supporting her illness, but that he won't/can't any more. It's going to be very difficult for him to do, especially if she has a track record of self-harm or whatever in response to not getting her own way. I don't think there's anything to stop him contacting al-anon and/or someone like MIND to try to find some support and information. Are there any other siblings or extended family members who he could talk to about it all, to get some perspective if he's sucked into the whole self-perpetuating mess?

You might as well deal with this now, rather than waiting until the wedding or extension are completed. Once they're both over, it will be somethings else that she creates a 'crisis' over. It's not like you get married, finish the extension and it all goes quiet and she's happy! She's likely to be kicking off even more over something else.

That she is screaming at your OH that he is selfish for going on his own stag do shows a complete lack of appreciation for anything he has done for her, so I would see what I could do to persuade him not to do anything more on the extension until after the wedding and focus on your relationship. She will kick off, and push every emotional button going - but I guess you're going to have to not respond to it.

The people who make emotional blackmail suicide attempts are usually doing it because they have learned it is a way to get what they want rather than because they really mean it. Obviously there are exceptions, and if in fact if she did 'hurt herself' then she could potentially be sectioned which might not be a bad thing for her.

I expect that she will do everything thing she can to disrupt your wedding, so I would make it clear to family that it will start on time whatever happens and whoever is there. I'd also be tempted to find a (non-essential) task for SIL to do so that she feels included. e.g. first person to throw confetti when you get outside or something like that so that if she doesn't show then it's not big deal, and if she does the family can show appreciation for it.

I agree with the others who suggest al-anon to learn coping strategies.

Don't envy you mind. Nothing like a wedding to bring all the underlying problems to the surface.

Wow, I should think you have had enough. I agree with others - you shouldn't speak to her, it's up to your H. I also agree that you two should get some advice form al-anon. It sounds like the whole family is essentially enabling her behaviour. I don't know if that is how you are meant to treat an alcoholic, but I very much doubt it - surely she needs boundaries setting and not everyone doing exactly as she wants?

So, I would get advice, and then stick to whatever they say - you can't affect what she does, what the pil's do, but the two of you can take control of your own actions.

Also, ref the wedding, PL is dead right you need to think in advance what to do if she causes a ruckus. I would have someone on standby to attend to her if needed, so that no one from the family has to leave if she does anything mad (ie phones kicking off and family feel like she needs attention etc)

L
xx

Thanks for all your help. I'm going to contact those organisations and I definitely think we need to distance ourselves. I'm going to ask OH to make more firm arrangements for the wedding. If she does anything at the wedding I don't think I'll be able to forgive her.

Wow. just... wow. There is nothing i could possibly suggest that doesn't involve violence, so i will say nothing except extend you my deepest condolences on such a nightmare situation and hope that you and your OH can get through it. Personally, i .... nope. No ️?️

Oh that's awful, but I can't say I'm surprised. Your MIL has more or less said to SIL that she has permission to bugger the day up for everybody, so why wouldn't she? Your poor H, he must be devastated.

Still, at least now you know where you stand. Maybe now is the time for your H to tell them that he's washing his hands of the whole granny flat debacle as well, and concentrate on his new family?

Hubble, all I can think of is violence too, what were you going to say, I'm intrigued!

This may not be popular, but my reaction to that would have been, "Okay, that's fine. But if you don't come to my wedding, don't contact me again." His parents need to realise what they're doing to him and he needs to stop letting them do it. I'm going to send you a Facebook message. You know where I am if you want to chat.

WPLS.

Sounds like a really sad situation.

On the one hand I feel sorry for you MIL as I suspect your SIL will be blackmailing her with threats of self-harm or whatever if she doesn't give in to what SIL wants.

But until your PIL stand up to SIL there won't be any change in her behaviour. And there's no way I'd be paying and working my ass out on a flat for a sister who is abusive and manipulative or parents who are willing to support her in this behaviour.

I think I'd plan for the wedding to happen without MIL being there and if a crisis doesn't appear then it'll be a bonus.

That's just cutting nose off to spite face and being as manipulative of his parents as his sister is - two wrongs don't make a right and they certainly won't make the situation right.

Actually that's a good point. And might just save a bit of your sanity into the bargain. It must be awful though, your poor H and poor you, having to bite your tongue and not go stellar (because I bloody would). He is lucky to have you to start his new life with, away from his mentalist dysfunctional family.

Thinking about it, it might be easier all round just to assume that your PIL won't be there, and plan accordingly. In fact, maybe even saying to them "look, you've said you won't come if x doesn't want you to - and we all know she won't want you to - so we're going ahead with the wedding without you and maybe we can talk when we're back from the honeymoon". Would that be easier for your H, to have a few days to get used to the idea that his parents won't be there, change table arrangements etc so there's not a gigantic gap where they should be?

It's tragic, but to a large extent his parents are bringing this on themselves by presumably never having stood up to her. Why on earth would your SIL put herself through the unpleasant treatment for her illnesses if she's got a constant alcohol-providing, attention-giving safety net in the form of her parents?

How utterly ghastly for you and your OH. My OH also has the situation where his parents enable his sister's nasty behaviour (quite different behaviour to yours) and have made it clear that her demands (no matter how unreasonable) will come before his needs although I have to say being willing to miss your wedding really takes the biscuit. The only thing I would say is that if further threats of self harm are made then in your OH's shoes I'd be wanting to make clear that he isn't going to bow to such threats, perhaps by emphasising that he loves her, he is doing what he can to help her, he doesn't want her to get hurt but that the only person who can decide not to harm herself is her. Time to take a big step back I'd have said.

Your poor H, at least he has you there to support him no matter what

The situation sounds similar to my dads relationship with his alcoholic sister, he spent years trying to help her, looking after her kids when she went on a bender, buying them school uniforms because she spent the money his parents gave her on alcohol etc etc it went on for years and my poor dad did what he felt he had to for his little sister. Unfortunately (or fortunately for him) christmas a few years back she kicked off bigtime and he's not spoken to her since and I know he feels guilty, but if she asked for help he would give it to her, he has just stopped being taken advantage of.

Taking a step back in your situation might be a good thing as well as making it clear to his family that he loves them and then leaving them to make their decision (however skewed) alone. Give them a date by which you need to know (numbers, seating plan etc) and leave it in their hands. If they decide not to come it goes without saying that it will be incredibly hard on your H and you but you have to focus on becoming each others family now. btw it sounds like they might be the sort to say they aren't coming and then turn up unannounced so always good to have a contingency planned (that maybe your H doesn't need to be party to since it might mess with his head a bit too much IYCSWIM).

Oh gosh, how awful for you and your OH. Not sure what to say really. If he can find a way to tell his parents how hurt and upset he feels that would be good. Not sure they would listen. I can't believe how blind, and thoughtless your PIL2b are being and how they are playing into SIL hands completely.