situation from hell

Im getting married in August 2015, and I am having the same problem. I have three kids work full time, so really the only time I get to do wedding organising is at the weekend, now I love my MOH and I feel mean writing this but any planning I want to do has to revolve around her schedule she is heavily into this attachment parenting which is cool if that is your sort of thing, she even quit her job so she could commit to it the ap not the wedding. But it is getting a bit too much, I asked her to come to numerous dress shops and as it wouldn't be ideal to bring her child (one year old) she declined. So I am having to go alone as my mom doesn't drive and lives miles away. I tried to speak to the OH but as her partner is his best man he doesn't want to rock the boat. Hopefully fellow hitchers can give us both some advice.

First - welcome to Hitched

Second - it's not worth making yourself poorly over. By the sound of things your friend has had/got a lot on her plate too if she's just had a baby. If you asked her over two years ago and the wedding isn't until next September (2015) then you have been doing things very early and she might have had more pressing things on her mind. Maybe she feels that it's only your wedding that matters and that her own situation is not important to you. Friendship goes two ways

But - it's up to you now really to sit down and ask her if she does feel able to be your MoH and then agree what help you'll be looking to her for. You can't just take it for granted that she knows what you do need/want. By your own admission you and OH keep changing your minds about things so can she really get involved yet? You and OH need to agree the firm details first before you can do anything else at all. Then you need to go and talk with your friend. Check she's OK and that she doesnt need anything from you - then talk about the MoH and wedding stuff.

hth

x

Its well over a year before you get married, maybe she just thinks that you have plenty of time to sort things and she can concentrate on her new baby for now. I understand that you are excited about your wedding, but its not the most important thing to everyone else right now.

I think maybe give her a bit of time to adapt to having 2 children and then maybe bring up the subject of wedding again and see how she reacts x

We were suppose to get married this year in september and we put it off because i was unsure what was going on with my MOH where we went months where i didnt hear from her i wouldnt get reples to texts or emails if i called she wouldnt answer. iv never gone on about my wedding its always been calls and texts to see how she is never have i just text or called her to go on about my wedding..she is aware that the wedding got postponed because i wanted her part in the wedding we have only changed our minds due to postponing the wedding and as we hadnt brought anything at the time it didnt make any difference she is my only girl friend so she knew i needed her for dress shopping but i also need her for her dress shopping i cant just go and buy her a dress and say here wear this she needs to like it she needs to have it fitted etc.. i know she is busy and now she has a second baby i dont want her to feel she has to be MOH if she doesnt want to be i just need to know one way or another. but i feel i cant talk to her anymore and i hate it shes one of my oldest friends and id hate to fall out with her which is why im stressing so much but i dont want to put my wedding on hold again . i love her to bits and id love for her to be part of th wedding but i dont want to be chasing her to get her to come get her dress fitted if shes not interested anymore xx

You need someone who has at least some enthusiasm for your big day! In some ways, a bridesmaids only model might have suited you better as you'd then be sharing these shopping trips around between a group of friends.

I think you should ask her if she still wants to be MOH. You haven't said what the situation is re BM's? It's often the brides mother who attends these kind of appointments with her. This could be a good way of involving your fiance's mother.

You need someone who has at least some enthusiasm for your big day! In some ways, a bridesmaids only model might have suited you better as you'd then be sharing these shopping trips around between a group of friends.

I think you should ask her if she still wants to be MOH. You haven't said what the situation is re BM's? It's often the brides mother who attends these kind of appointments with her. This could be a good way of involving your fiance's mother.

I dont have BMs just MOH and FG my mum isnt available to do these things hence i asked the MOH to help me and i dont get on with OH family so Gm is out of the question so im left on my own :/

Seems to me there needs to be a bit of a reality check.

having just had my own daughter (she is now 10months), I can tell you that a baby blows everything else out of the water. Yes, even your best friend's wedding. Right now your friend has two children who are the apple of her eye, like it or not, and your wedding doesn't even compare. Not only that, it is a year and a half away. We all know in the wedding world that's not much, but 18months talking about someone else's wedding can be tedious for some when you're dealing with night feeds, nappies and screaming demons all round the clock. Yes of course you want your maid of honour to be involved and happy for you, but this may not be a time in her life where she can give you what you need.

i was asked to be my best friends bridesmaid for her wedding (nov '14) and was expected to pick a dress size for her wedding 18 months down the line the same week I had given birth. I love her dearly, but it was absolutely not a decision I wanted to make after being the size of a whale. Nor do I particularly want to be her BM/MH. I'm doing it out of love and hiding it very well (I hope) but it just isn't my idea of a good time. Your friend may feel like she wants to be more involved in the wedding and the shopping etc when the pressure is off.

rgds dress shopping trips... One day you will have children and you will realise how trivial it all seems compared to babies. It's not your fault that you don't - it's just a hindsight is 20/20 kind of thing. You're at different places in your lives.

Edit: also... You delayed your wedding for your MH?! You get married for you and your OH to be married. Maybe this felt like huge pressure to her as well. She probably just wanted to be pregnant, have her baby, and let everyone else get on with their own lives in peace. I know I wouldn't want the onus on my shoulders for that.

Amy wilson I have 2 children thank you I know how hard it is. Which is why stated above I didnt know if it woukd now be to much for her I have not pestered her about chosing dress sizes etc it was more of helping sort through venues etc but after canceling my wedding once because I wasnt sure how she was as she hadnt replied to any of my attemots of contacting her for months... also as stated above I love her dearly and would hate to think she felt pressured in to being my moh id rather her just come to the wedding as a guest if she wished to then not enjoying the day with us. This post was asking for advice not to be slated for worrying about hurting my friends feelings take your criticism else where please

You can't pick and choose what is advice and what is criticism on a public forum - nor can you pick and choose who has an opinion on your post. If you want mollycoddling speak to someone who knows you. Your decision to be offended by something has nothing to do with me.

Walk a mile in your friend's shoes and have a real long hard think about the situation. It looks to me the signs are either already there and you aren't seeing them, OR you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

The bottom line is you should be excited about marrying your H2B, not making yourself Ill over a MoH with a decent reason to not be as involved as you envisioned.

No one is slating you for worrying over your friend hun, just pointing out that other ppl have other priorities. You need to sit down with your MOH and have a chat....ask her if being MOH is going to be too much for her now. Maybe you could even leave dress shopping for a few months, perhaps til september when your wedding is a year away and her baby is that little bit older? If you and your oh have booked all the main things the MOH's dress could probably wait a few months. xx

Oh OP, nobody has slated you. As people who don't know you, the posters so far have just been trying to help you see the situation objectively. Sometimes our friends just can't be who we want them to be, no matter how much we love them. This is far from a "situation from hell" and just needs you to rethink your options. It's certainly not worth you making yourself ill over.

I've read OP a few times to try to get my head round it. I agree with what some of the others have said - firstly, and most importantly, please don't let yourself get ill over this - take a step back to get some perspective - it really isn't a 'situation from hell', and the wedding is still a long way off. Spend some time with your friend doing other bits and pieces - tbh I probably wouldn't even mention the wedding to her until it's coming up to a year or so to go and find out then if she still wants to be involved - if she brings it up first in conversation, then great.

Seems a bit odd to me too that you postponed the wedding by a year already because you weren't sure what was going on with her :/

This is meant as kindly as possible, but I think you might be slightly overreacting to the situation & expecting a bit too much from your MOH at this stage. Although it will fly by, your wedding is 18 months away & if you have lots of things like the venues etc booked then you have plenty of time to attend to everything else. Although, I can understand that you may find it frustrating if it appears shes not interested at all. I think you need to have a chat with her & let her know that your interested in getting the ball rolling in terms of organizing things & ask her to come dress shopping with you giving her plenty of notice if there's issues with childcare or breastfeeding etc.

Please don't make yourself poorly over tthis I'm sure you're unlikely to lose a friendship. Xx

This is meant as kindly as possible, but I think you might be slightly overreacting to the situation & expecting a bit too much from your MOH at this stage. Although it will fly by, your wedding is 18 months away & if you have lots of things like the venues etc booked then you have plenty of time to attend to everything else. Although, I can understand that you may find it frustrating if it appears shes not interested at all. I think you need to have a chat with her & let her know that your interested in getting the ball rolling in terms of organizing things & ask her to come dress shopping with you giving her plenty of notice if there's issues with childcare or breastfeeding etc.

Please don't make yourself poorly over tthis I'm sure you're unlikely to lose a friendship. Xx

You mention that you're only involving her in things that "she's signed up for", so I'm wondering if the two of you have different expectations of what being a Maid of Honour is? As a Bride (and especially being on these forums), you quickly understand that your wedding is (and should) only be the most important thing to you and your fiancé. If you asked her to be your MoH two years ago, that will have been three and a half years of her having to prioritise your wedding over other things - and to me that sounds like a bit too much. At this stage of the planning, I think that you should be organising more stuff with your OH than with your MoH.

Whatever is going on, it is not worth stressing about or making yourself ill over, as others have said, I think you need to get a bit of perspective here. She can't be expected to get excited about flowers for a wedding that is happening in 18 months time, nor is she likely to get excited about dresses if she has just had her second baby - she might be wanting to lose some weight and tone up before even thinking about that.

What I would say is if you have had a long period where she hasn't spoken to you, there maybe some underlying issues going on that aren't related to your wedding. If she is your best friend, I think that you should check that she is happy and well in herself first. If she is unhappy with other things, she is unlikely to want to think about event happening so far in the future. You should always prioritise your friendship with her over any potential role she might play for your wedding.

Good luck and I hope you sort it out soon x

Read your original post again and try to imagine it was written by somebody else. What advice would you give them?

I think, if you're honest, the first piece would be to reframe it as what it actually is. A problem between two friends and their communication.

This is not 'a situation from hell'.

Hay I get married in around 3 and a half months and Iv only spoken to my MOH around 10 times about the wedding and she's my sister with no children.

You have a long while yet and to get this stressed over something so small right now isn't healthy at all.

Some people handle having a baby differently, I have 2 children and found it ok, she may wanting to focus all her energy on her baby. As you said she agreed to be your MOH 2 years or so ago. Many things can change in that time, and havin a baby can test the best of friendships as I'm sure your aware of.

Try meeting up with her and ask her outright if she still feels she wants to be your MOH and sympathise with her that she's got a lot on.

Sometimes it's hard to see that your wedding isn't as important to other people as it is to you and you OH, sorry but it's true.