Slighty OT... the 'd' word...

H2B and I discussed it because, although I don't hold to any religious views of marriage, marriage is still sacred to me and divorce is not an option. Fortunately, we both agreed on that and said that should there be anything in our relationship that we can't deal with, we will go to relate and we will always fight to save our marriage. To be fair, the last year has been so bleeding stressful, that if we got through that, we can get through pretty much anything. I don't think anyone goes into marriage expecting divorce or being prepared for it, but I do think it's wise to talk about it and plan for those really difficult times that are bound to come up. I can't see us divorcing ever. The other day, H2B was talking about renewing our vows in 10 years time and we haven't even got married yet!

x

As part of my training to be a lawyer I had to do a seat in family law, and it was pretty awful. Divorce does not scare me half as much as having kids then splitting up. Whether married or not this can be one of the most awful things to go through. The divorces I saw were mainly amicable but once children are involved it can get messy. saying thst lots of people (inc my HTB who has a good relationship with the mother of his child) manage to seperate on good terms, I guess they just dont seek legal advice.

Wow, it only lasted 6 months? It sounds like it was doomed from the start, I would guess at least one of them had doubts beforehand. Such a shame, I think people rush into marriage too easily now (i should know, I was nearly one of them)

I hope I never have to think about the D word, I can't imagine giving him up! My parents have been married for 31yrs, and my grandparents have been married for 62, so I have a lot to live up to!

We have been to a o t of weddings over the last 8 years and it's worked out that 1 in 3 of them ended in divorce (yes we done the maths) the majority ended as they shouldn't have got married in the first place and thought a marriage would fix all their plans (at least it wasn't a "band-aid" baby) some were down to infidelity, and there are a couple we just cannot fathom why, but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

To be honest the thought has crossed my mind about whether it would happen to us, but we've spoken about not so much divorce but about how to stay together and be happy and we think as long as we continue to talk, be friends, as we were friends before we decided to be a couple, aren't we all when we date and before we decide to take the next step of a relationship, and as long as we still make time for each other as a couple we will be fine. It does take work at times, but you know what I wouldn't have it any other way, all the good things in life take work.

My first marriage lasted 10 months and yes it was doomed from the start, lol.

Divorce is heart wrenching and looonnngggg. Mines been going on for nearly 3 years now with no end in sight :-(

However as another poster said, for me I'm so pleased we didn't have kids. It means I can get it over with and move on.

However myself and my fiancé have two kids together and the thought of us separating fills me with dread due to having the kids!!

My oh and I have been through so much already in our 7 years together that I'm hopeful our marriage will last. Its also uncertain whether I have inherited a gene from my mum which would mean later in life I may suffer from the degenerative disease that she currently has, and will most likely die from. She's 56. If I'm lucky enough not to get it myself I may be a carrier and pass it onto mine and oh's kids. So considering he's still with me knowing these things I'm fairly certain our relationship will last.

We've talked about it - I think it's sensible to. I know no one gets married expecting to divorce but we've been together nearly 5 years, been through a heck of a lot - including OH breaking his back! We started off as close friends then moved onto a long distance relationship and even lasted through me going to away to uni. Of course we've argued, every couple does. But I'm pretty certain we're going to last.

I do agree that once children come into it, it gets messy. I made OH promise me that if/when we have kids then we have to be in it for the long run (not that we already are!?)

According to the statistics - there will be a lot of ladies on this forum who will end up in divorce which is really scary! But what can you do ?

Seeing as we have been considering it then yes!

We don't have kids together which would make it easier but then I would also lose access to my stepkids which I really don't want to happen.

Staying in it for the long run is the wrong thing to do IMO just for the sake of the kids. Mrminis parents got divorced when he was 21- his mum told him she had stayed with his dad just for his and is brothers sakes. Subsequently he feels that his childhood years were a lie and it's really knocked him, even 10 years later it still affects him.

My first marriage ended in divorce for very very good reasons. Was it painful? Incredibly so. But was it necessary for the happiness and well-being of me and my children? Vitally.

Don't go into your marriage scared of divorce - it isn't something you can prepare for, because, like every marriage, every divorce is different.

First time round I married in church, convinced it would last forever and determined that nothing would split us apart. That is how you should enter into marriage. You cannot foresee the future and to try and prepare for all outcomes will leave you no time to enjoy the relationship you have.

Put the d word to one side and focus on your marriage x

I'm a divorce and children lawyer. I genuinely could never see it happening to us unless one of underwent some kind of radical personality change. Maybe that's naïve of me.

If it helps, most of my clients who get divorced say they knew they never should have gotten married in the first place.... there was something wrong but they ignored.

I come from divorced parents and it never really affected me as I was so young; yes I've had issues but that was more to do with my fathers choice of partner when he left my mum. My mums family are all divorced! Even my grans parents divorced an remarried as a result I never thought I would take the step but I am and I'm hopeful I will break the trend x

im half way though my divorce, my sham of a wedding lasted 2 1/2 years before I finally found the guts to ring a solicitor and doing the divorce, funnily enough telling him should have been hard but it wasn't, I have had a lot of support from the lovely gang of otters.. like clare said about her clients, I knew I had had made a major mistake in my life, but thought I could plod along. Ex had suffered a stroke and because we hadn't had any support as such it broke us up, that and other major stuff. I am now one happy leni_lw and cant wait for the next chapter of my life.

I think it is really important in a relationship to talk about the possibility of divorce and check that you are both on the same page. We have had many in depth discussions about what we both expect from the marriage and what we would be willing to work through and what would be unforgivable. The biggest issue for us is the kids/no kids debate. We still have a lot of discussions about it and I had to be absolutely certain that he was happy to have a childless future with me rather than children with another woman.

I obviously don't see us getting divorced in the future but I do completely understand why for some couples it is the only viable option.

I've always been very logical and very good at separating logic from emotion. So whilst I know I love my wife, I also understand the statistics. My wife's also been married before so it would be folly to say it won't happen to us.

Prior to meeting my wife I never saw myself getting married. I had all the excuses. "It's just a piece of paper." "It's old fashioned" "We have kids & a house. That's much more of a commitment" and of course...."Marriage? Why don't I just give her half the house now and save on the divorce costs!"

So knock me down with a feather when I found that a couple of years after we were together that it was me who really really wanted to get married. All those reasons above all just seemed stupid excuses. The thought that statistically we could get divorced in the future wasn't even a negative. It was a positive. It meant that the cost & difficulties in getting divorced would mean we'd try harder to save our relationship.

It's also a bit of a surprise to me that I actually like being married! Prior to meeting my wife the thought of committing to one person....forever....FOREVER!!! ? Scary!!!! To scary for words.

Anyway, not sure what my point is really. Just wanted to let you know how my male logical/devoid of emotion brain worked!

I agree with a lot of what others have said such as LotBot, Mini and Cat in a Teacup. It is vital to have a conversation with your fiancé about the expectations of marriage before you commit to something as huge as that.

That said, things can change, some people cheat etc divorce is just something which sadly does happen.

I meant it more in the way of having the commitment before we think about children instead of staying together for the children

I have a friend whose parents stayed together just for their children and divorced when the youngest was 16ish. He now hates the thought of marriage and doesn't see the point.

I guess there is a no win situation for whoever is involved.

I am happily divorced ... my marriage lasted 14 years but the last 5 were a sham. I had good reasons to get divorced and the worst part is the feeling of failure and also having kids with him. It makes it far more complicated as you are never rid of your ex.

I didn't think I'd marry again but my OH has never married and it's important to him. This relationship is so different and I've gone into as an adult with life experiences not at 18 this time! I thought I would stay married to my ex forever and despite everything a part of me still loves him as the boy I married but he is not that person anymore and changed so much ... into someone I don't recognise and I don't like. I don't regret my marriage as it taught me so much about healthy relationships and how you should be treated by your partner ... due to the fact we got it all wrong! My OH is the right person for me and as adults set in our ways I don't think either of us will have a dramatic personality change ... so I'm optimistic that divorce is not something that will happen ... But who knows?!

Xx

Mini .... Did I misread your comment ... Are you considering a divorce? I hope you are ok xx

I am in a very similar situation to you, IGBMN - my mum is ill and I have watched her deteriorate over the past 27 years. She recently found out that her original diagnosis in 1987 of MS was wrong, and she actually has a very rare genetic disease. There is a 50/50 chance that I have the faulty gene, and if I do have the gene, then I may develop the condition or I may not. I am debating having genetic testing. H2B and I have talked about it a lot, he finds it very upsetting and worries about it (more than I do), but he's not going anywhere.

Rare genetic diseases aside, H2B and I have talked about divorce. Obviously at this point neither of us can imagine getting divorced, we're in it for the long-haul. I would like to think that we will be able to handle whatever life chucks at us and come out united the other side.