Small Wedding Nightmare - Advice needed, Please help !!

Hi there!

We are also getting married on a Monday as it will be our 7th anniversary of when we first met, like you we are having a small wedding, 45ish, and there are kids going. I'm sorry but I do agree with you about the 'have to be in bed by 8' nonscenc, it certainly won't do them any harm at all. Also I reckon once people are having a good time and enjoying themselves they probably won't even realise what the time is, I think you have got to go with your heart and do exactly what you want. Your first set of trimmings are very similar to mine and I hope 30. Is enough people for a good old knees up because that's what I'm hoping for!

do you think that other people will really want to leave because your family have?

While I was reading the first part of your post I was thinking my advice would be to go down the afternoon tea route which you've suggested as your alternative.

I honestly don't think your evening guests will think anything of your family leaving, especially when they see young children there on a school night. At my SIL's wedding, which was on a Sunday, most of the day guests with young children left as the evening reception was starting, as did the grandparents and elderly relatives making it more about the bride and grooms friends in the evening. I think it will be a nice way for your friends to feel like an important part of your day two, as if you've arranged to separate celebrations and by giving them a meal they won't feel like the B list. It'll also make it easier for you to spend time with each of your guests without Auntie Vera demanding your attention when you really want to be chatting with the girls from the office or whoever.

You may find once your family realise you are sticking to your guns and won't be swayed by their protests that they come round to the idea and more will be prepared to stay.

Firstly hello and welcome.

So sorry your family are being like that over a weekday wedding. Have you addresses the fact that they stay up late for concerts with them at all?

The timings of the day that you have mentioned, which one would you prefer? I think both would work well and understand why you would want to do it the alternative way. I'm just wondering if you do decide to do it like that and they end up staying, would this cause an issue because they would have to be told they HAVE to leave by 7.30 because there will be no food for them.

I suppose you could call their bluff and ask them if that is a definite because the venue need the final numbers for food?

I was thinking this - I think your new timings sound good actually but think you should pin them down for a definite answer in case they are just grumbling (we have all noticed that weddings can do funny things to our families and friends) and don't really mean that they will leave so early.

Hi and welcome

I really really like the second idea the most, I think that you've got it spot on and an intimate dinner with people who really want to be there seems perfect to me. I think that you should continue to plan your day and not get drawn into any arguments that will mar your happiness. Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions so far. I really appreciate it x x x - Please keep ideas and suggestions coming - I need as many as I can get with my nightmare of a family !!!! : )

I suppose the negative family reaction is what is making me worry that others will leave when my family do. Hopefully they wont even consider it!

I will however feel quite embarrassed and upset when they all go if we stick to the original timings - especially my mother as it would be before the first dance and I think it's really mean of her to do that to me - it was bad enough that she wasn't bothered about seeing me try on dresses but there is no denying it would sting a little watching them all go without being present for the first dance,

I'm writing this and thinking 'don't invite them!!' but it really would cause more problems than it would solve and I have to be the better person on this - i dont want to end up losing contact with my siblings and neices/nephews if I can avoid it - even thought they are obviously not that bothered about hurting me.

One of the reasons I'm looking at the alternative suggestion more than the original at the moment is that it means we can invite the original 5/6 'evening only' guests' to the whole thing - ceremony to conclusion. The reason being that we will save quite a bit by my 15 family members having afternoon tea instead of a full wedding breakfast and we could use some of that money to fund the afternoon tea and evening meal for those 5/6 extra people. (The afternoon tea costs about the same as the evening buffet would)

My thinking is that if we do invite the evening only guests to the whole days events, they are much more likely to come and to stay than they would if they were just invited to the evening (I'm trying to be realistic as ultimately it is a monday wedding and they will most likely be at work the next day!). I think they will definitely feel more involved and not like a 'b' list at all. The only reason that they were 'b' list (hate that term!) was because we simply couldn't afford to pay for 40-ish wedding breakfasts...and now we may not have to!!.

Do you think the alternative timings make the day too long? Honest opinions please because i'm in two minds ! : )

Do you think a guest would be happy to stay for the whole day (12 - 10pm) or be tempted to leave after afternoon tea?

I don't want the guests to be sitting around bored which I why i'm thinking of some live music after the afternoon tea before the evening meal, possibly a balloon release just before the meal (if weather allows) and a maginian to entertain as people enjoy their evening meal.

Mainly, I want the day to end on a high and so any suggesstions/comments would be really appeciated!

Daffodilwaves and Forever wedding dance - very valid points and something I had not even considered!

I have to be honest - It did put a wry smile on my face (the thought of saying they were not allowed to stay after their making a point of being difficult!), but you are right, The conversation before hand and subsequent invitation would need to be specific.

Good tip!! Thanks x

The trouble is, whichever way you decide to do it you can't rely on people leaving when they are threatening too as this will be really awkward if they decide to stay. It has to be made clear to them that if that is their decision then fine but that will have to happen. If you do it the first way, if they decide to stay or go, it's irrelevant really as you'll have an extra bit of buffet food left over and that's it.

There is no reason for you to feel embarrassed either because people will wonder what THEY are doing.

ETA just seen your reply. Yes very much before hand otherwise you will be worrying come 7pm and they are still there!

I think your second option sounds great, with the added bonus of you being able to force your awkward relations to leave at the time THEY have told you you they need to go. You've only done this for THEIR benefit after all... That way you get to spend the evening with the people who really want to share your day with you. If it means you can have more people because of the cost, so much the better. Families are rubbish.

Good luck with your decision x

I actually like your second set of timings better, regardless of the family issues! It would make it a bit different from the normal structure of a wedding day, make better use of the daylight and would suit a smaller group of people, plus I'm a big fan of afternoon tea!!

On the subject of children on a school night I do think it's important that they get to bed at a reasonable time to function properly at school, but this would only take one adult per family at the most and if they are regularly staying up late and/or taking them out of school then I doubt this is a genuine concern.

As others have said you'll have to make it clear with RSVPs which bits people will be at. If there are people who've made it clear they won't be staying past 7pm then you could give them a day-only invite that doesn't mention the evening meal. My only concern with your new plan would be if they all change their minds and want to stay for the evening after you've invited the other people you want too, will it become too expensive for you? (of course that's avoided by reminding them they said they weren't coming for the evening so they aren't invited!!)

Hi,

I think your second option sounds great. I wouldn't worry about the length of the day as I have been to many weddings that have been from 12pm until 1am at night! The plan you have given means that there will be plenty of food a mix of entertainment and people won't be hanging around for too long.

I also think it may be hard to have a big disco for the whole night with only 30 guests (we are only having 40 and I have the same concerns) so breaking the evening up with an intimate dinner sounds fab.

Afternoon tea would be better for the smaller children too as they won't have to sit still for as long and the dinner will be much more fun if its adults only.

Try not to stress and save your money and time on the people who really want to be there. Its your wedding and you should do it your way

x

I was thinking this - they are your siblings and you can't 'not' invite them to your whole day but if they relent and throw your budget into disarray you'll be stressed.

I really like your second set of timings and don't think it would make it feel like too long a day. I do agree that confirming timings with your family beforehand will do a lot to save your sanity though - they may just be being awkward gits at the moment and putting on a show with no real intentions of leaving at 7pm. If all of your family decided that they would stay for the whole evening, would you be able to cut costs down anywhere else to make the alternative timings work?

I do think that your first set would also work absolutely fine, but I just love the way that you've mixed up the norm with the alternative timings and having the wedding breakfast in the evening.

I think your second idea sounds really good.

As others have said, why not say to your family about your change of plans to pin them down for an answer? Then if they can suddenly come and stay for the whole time u can choose which you want to do more.

Either way, I hope it all plans out for you and you have an amazing day.

Hello & welcome

I agree with everyone else, 2nd option sounds great..you should ask them for a definite answer though as everyone else says to save any costs / food wasting etc and see if it's really their intentions to leave early, may just be being akward or moany hoping you'll make it a weekend or just wanting a good whinge and may actually stay later if others have said. Poor excuse with the kids as its a one off occasion, my son is always in bed for 8pm at latest but If it were a relatives wedding you make an exception.

Hope you get it all sorted

Thank you so much everyone. I finally feel like I'm not going a bit mental - this has been driving me crazy!!

I really appreciate all the comments regarding the alternative timings and layout of the day. I suppose my only worry is whether it is just a bit too 'different'?

My OH isnt too keen - he wants 'traditional' - even though I just dont think it will work in our situation.

Has anyone else had an alternative day like ive suggested or been to one as a guest? Did it work? (Im thinking maybe its done in a specific order for a reason!)

Any thoughts?

Different is good, makes a nice change for people to go to weddings and not get whats always expected, it all sounds fine to me
I've not been to many weddings but i'd more than happy to attend one like this and if its what works best for you then go for it!

Thanks for that : )

One thing i forgot - Because it is different, how could we word the invite to let people know its an all day affair?

Should we say ceremony, afternoon tea, dancing then dinner? (Obviously worded a bit nicer!)

- we'd have the live music, balloon release (if weather permits) and magician as surprises on the day.

Thanks for that : )

One thing i forgot - Because it is different, how could we word the invite to let people know its an all day affair?

Should we say ceremony, afternoon tea, dancing then dinner? (Obviously worded a bit nicer!)

- we'd have the live music, balloon release (if weather permits) and magician as surprises on the day.

I think it's really sad your family reacted to your weekday wedding in such a manner. I think that given there is still plenty time, they could easily plan ahead as really it is only one day, which also happens to be the most important day to you.

I love the idea of the afternoon tea with the selection of scones, cakes, sandwiches etc. It makes it a little bit more British and glamorous. If you add vintage cups and cafeterias etc it can impress everyone, you can also have a variety of teas and make it really a nice time for speeches since it will be quite and more sit down thing. I def think the second plan is really awesome for you and I am sure everyone will love the schedule...

Maria

https://www.allbridesonboard.com/

Hi, yes it is sad.

I'm furious today to see pics all over fb which show that one of my siblings actually took both kids out of school last friday for one of their birthdays.

the birthday wasn't actually until sunday!!!!

Talk about provocative!

My OH is vehemently against my alternative suggestion now too as he sees us as swapping our day around into 'a mish mashed' day to cater for people (my siblings) that clearly cant be bothered and that are making it loud and clear.

- he hasnt seen the fb pics yet!

Should I not include them and make the day smaller ? It will cause a huge family falling out but the real reason for the fall out is actually the lack of support from certsin family members pushing me to feel like this. It will break my neices / nephews hearts to be uninvited as they are part of the bridal party but the obviously cant cone if their parent s arent.

I feel like im in an impossible position : (

so upset and angry right now!!!

Prefer your second timings for a smaller, cosy gathering. Just to note though: I suspect when you convey your new plans to your family, you'll find it viewed as a bit (OK, a lot) of a 'f*ck you'. Whether that's a reasonable response on their part is one thing, but I would think it understandable. You're basically saying 'You all told me you were going early, so actually we're not having dinner until after you're gone'.

I think your second lot of timings seem much more intersting to be honest. I love the idea of ending the day with coffees and chatting after the meal.

A couple of thoughts:

A weekday wedding at the beginning of December would be very difficult for us. The children have school performances, the party season starts (for all of their extra-curricular activities), I have loads of work deadlines and we all have community/church commitments. In fact December is always really busy as a parent. It may be that the fuss is their immediate gut reaction to another thing in the busiest week of the year. I would hope that when they have time to reflect they will prioritise your wedding higher but I must say that my initial reaction to such an invitation would probably be a little cry: torn between everything that I know needs doing that week already and the wedding of a sibling which of course I woudl want to attend.

That said, you plans are really lovely, and I think that your amended plans can be put in must nicer terms than 'putting the expensive part into when they have gone'. Actually you are bringing the most fun/informal parts of the day into when the families can attend, and moving the formal bits to the adult only time, and then bringing the whole thing forward so you can enjoy their company for longer. You have lots of fun entertainments for them and have transformed and standard wedding into something designed with their children in mind, knowing that they will have to leave early. Do serve champagne with the tea!

...and you will have more daylight for your photos.

It's a win-win!

It's a shame your OH is not happy about the change of schedule because as I said before I think it would actually make for a more interesting day not a mish mash at all. I think you've moved away from traditional by going for a Monday in early December so you might as well make the day something that works for you rather than just sticking to convention - also if people are working the following day starting and finishing a bit earlier makes a lot of sense. If you explain it to him in terms of being able to have more people you want to the whole day and having the more child friendly aspects during the day with dinner and dancing after they've gone home he might be more receptive. Maybe even show him this thread!

In terms of worrying about your wedding being different; many people are putting loads of effort and money into trying to make their wedding a bit different ? In the world of wedding planning different is good!