So down :( **NOW WITH UPDATE**

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.

I obviously don't know the details ... but IMHO you shouldn't have to change yourself in order to keep someone .. and you cannot change someone else.

have you thought about having counsellingt o help you work through the issue - Relate are really good.

Good Luck

Hi hun....what are you doing to make him a twat?....why have you got to change to make everything perfect?

Sorry you having a shite day...but chin up ol gal...we here to offer support and you rant away even if dont make sense to us it is helping you.

fi

xx

Firstly - Move the appointment, you won't want to focus on wedding food while you are feeling like this.

Secondly - Don't ever change yourself for someone else, it never works, you are who you are and that is who he fell in love with.

Thirdly - You need to talk this out, without drink.

Have a rather inadequate internet weirdie hug ? and let off steam here if you need to.

EWSS! If he loves you then he should accept what and who you are, not insist you change. You shouldn't have to change unless it's a natural part of growing as a person - a successful couple will grow together, unsuccessful ones grow apart. But if he's asking you to change I would think seriously about you future.

Ok, a bit of background. I grew up with parents who didn't really love each other. I never saw them cuddle or kiss or anything and whenever they argued, my Dad would just walk out of the room, slamming doors in a hufff.

I obviously somehow picked this up, so whenever OH says something that I don't like, I walk off in a huff etc. because I'd rather do that than face confrontation. It's simple, I go off in a huff, 20 minutes later I'm fine.

But the problem is, OH seems to think he has to grovel and apologise (which he doesn't). After the argument last night, I went off to bed and left him downstairs. But he never came up to bed. At about midnight I went down and he was sleeping on the sofa (my fiance! Sleeping on the sofa!!) He said "For once I thought maybe you could come and grovel to me".

So basically, the way he wants me to change is... well, I'm not sure... maybe he wants me to grovel more? Or just not ever be in a mood?? I dunno.

*sigh*

First of all cancel the appointment with the caterer, food is the last thing you need to be thinking about right now and its hard to make the right decision if you are angry or upset.

Secondly, if you have agreed to marry this person he accepts you no matter what. All couples argue, its part and parcel of the relationship however you should never have to " change " just to pleas them. Relationships are about compromise NOT change.

If he is acting out of order maybe he is getting cold feet? I am guessing by your screen name that you are around the same age as me and it's extremely hard to get a man to settle down at this age, most of my friends and family think me and my OH are bonkers for wanting to get married this young.

Best cause of action is to confront him about his behaviour , not change who you are , because I bet you are a wonderful person

Do you know the best bit about having a row?.....the kissing and making up....seriously sometimes you need a good old arguement to clear the air and start afresh...me and OH have had 2 rows in 2 years and to be honest afterwards the sex was even more amazing!...oh TMI....but maybe your OH just wants you to go to him sometimes and say sorry and make him feel like he is wanted....I know you do want him otherwise you wouldnt be with him...but sometimes men need to hear those words as much as what we do.....

Now i aint making any sense either ?

I really think its difficult to give you an answer without knowing more details, but I don't think its possible to say a definite "you shouldn't have to change for him".

If you need to be a different person for him to love you, then no, you really shouldn't change in order for that to happen, he either loves you or he doesn't. But the fact that you are already engaged implies that he already loves you as you are, and perhaps whatever it is that he is asking you to change, is something he can't live with, despite his feelings for you.

I'm not prepared to go into details, but can honestly say that I am talking from experience that you can love someone with all your heart, but still be utterly ground down over the years by a behaviour of theirs. To the point where you have to consider getting out to save your own health.

? hope you are OK? xx

Do I think someone should change to satisfy their partner? The instinctive answer of "never" can sometimes be the incorrect one. For example, nobody should stop meeting with friends once a week because the partner complains. However, it is clear that if one were to enforce that situation, you yourself are expecting the partner to change emotionally. I think the word "change" could reasonably be substituted for "growth" and this is usually a good thing. So...

Do I think people need to understand how they, as a couple, address conflict? Yes. Do I think walking off in a huff rather than deal with it is appropriate? Not really. From his POV, you aren't dealing with the issue, you are suppressing it (or worse, knowing that you'll "get over it" in 20 mins means that he's thinking you should have thought twice before arguing anyway?)

You need to have a chat about how you feel, that you need to remove yourself from the situation in order to cool down. You are not "sulking", nor expecting apology (unless, of course, one is due), you are just having a think. I think this is reasonable. Not reasonable is the necessity for grovelling, nor the tally of who's begging who to be friends again.

Firstly I agree you should never have to change who you are as you will never be able to keep up the charade.

Secondly, I have to admit it is really frustrating when you are trying to have a discussion/debate/disagreement about something and the other person walks out instead of trying put their point across or listening to each others point of few and occasionally admitting you may be wrong. My ex used to do this a lot (stomp off in a huff) but I never had to grovel to him as I refused to as it encouraged his behaviour.

I would cancel the caterers for now and try and have a talk with OH with no alcohol or walking off mid discussion.

I think this is exactly it. I know he loves me. I think I must be impossible to live with though.

OK, normally I would say you can't change a person. When I was younger and immature I thought I could change my ex husband. Or rather that he'd want to change. And he is an EX husband. QED.

However, (and excuse the tough love) regardless of WHY you storm off in a huff, that is rather childish behaviour and I can see why your OH thinks it's unreasonable, and would rather talk things through. Neither of you should have to grovel to the other (what sort of relationship is that, wanting to see your partner grovelling???). If you MUST storm off, and are fine after 20 mins, then after 20mins you should take a deep breath, go back to your OH, make a cuppa and say "right, let's talk it through".

I think it's talking and communication that seems missing (of course you've only given us a snapshot, I'm not claiming to know about your relationship). Lay off the booze tonight and start talking! I'm sure this is just a blip and you'll work out a compromise.

I also just wanted to add that if you love him, then would you not want to address a behaviour that is upsetting him? I don't think it is unreasonable to be expected to discuss an issue that has caused an arguement, and to apologise if necessary.

Even if you need to say "i'm sorry I had to walk away, but I wanted to put some space between us before things got out of hand. Can we please sit down and talk this through".

Just because you have always dealt with something in a certain way, doesn't mean it is the best way, nor that it can't be improved upon. ?

I am terrible for doing the exact same thing, and it drives my OH round the twist. He also feels like he needs to apologies everytime this happens. we even once had an arguement about how every 2nd word out his mouth seemed to be sorry, and i didn't think it was nescessary (we were rolling round the floor in fits when he said 'sorry' again)

You shouldn't change who you are for him. Because he fell in love with the you that you are. Perhaps compromise. Sometimes when i go in a huff and storm out, i instantly regret doing it, turn about and walk straight back in again and give OH a big hug and tell him i'm sorry, because our arguements are essentially quite trival ones that there isn't much point to us not talking for hours over the fact he didn't put something in the bin, or didn't tidy something away, even thought i asked him 6 or 7 times to do it!

What everyone else said - Cancel your caterers and talk with your OH and see if it's as big an issue as you feel it is. - communication is the best thing for any relationship!

RKB that is exactly the sort of thing we argue about!

Although, most of them tend to be about my mother. She lives 250 miles away and she still manages to ruin my relationships!

Perhaps he would find it impossible to continue a relationship if you aren't willing to try and address the issue. Walking off during an arguement and not addressing the underlying issue is absolutely NOT a healthy for any relationship. Whether you do or don't want the grovelling isn't really the biggest problem here. I appreciate what you are saying about learning behaviour from your parents, but that doesn't mean you can't learn to be different. My mum's way of dealing with us as children was to yell, get louder and louder, and eventually hit or slap us. I now have 2 children and recognise that my shouting gets louder and louder and I have on a few occasions felt that I was going to hit out at one or the other. So I take a step back. Walk into a different room, calm down, and then go back and talk to them. Even with my 20 month old, I apologise if I think the shouting was out of order. I absolutely do not want to treat my kiddies the was I was treated. Its something I have to work on as its a behaviour that I have learnt. But i'm working on it!

I think we are probably all impossible to live with for some people, and finding the right life partner is about finding someone who we can live with. But marriage is very much about compromise, and he isn't asking you to change fundamentally, just learn to address conflict in a (sorry) more mature manner. His part of the compromise is to accept that you need to walk away and calm down. Your part is to learn to then go back and talk calmly with him.

?

Only if you let her

Hey chick, I hope you are ok...

Walking away from confrontation or during an argument is something i used to do too... It is infuriating for the other person but I did it generally because I felt I couldn't defend myself and/or didn't want to say something I would regret.

It may not be a full 'change' that your OH wants but it might be that you need to break a pattern of behaviour you have witnessed as a child and adopted for yourself. It is reasonable as an individual to want to try and change negative behaviour but it has to be something you want to do for yourself, not because someone else is pressuring you to do so.

It is obvious to us all that he loves you and you him... He has clearly accepted your faults as you have his otherwise you wouldnt be planning an amazing wedding and a future together. This may be an 'out of hand' situation purely because your OH has reacted differently towards you on this occasion (and there was alcohol involved). He has broken a pattern and now you are confused and hurt, understandably. But look at this from his perspective... could it be he is attempting to change the way arguments take place (i.e. the apologies - I dont like the word grovel!)? He isn't trying to change YOU, he is maybe trying to change the balance.

Try not to let this affect you as much as it has... talk to him tonight and explain how you are feeling in a rational way and how the situation made you feel. Def cancel the caterers for now, postpone them til next week.

I doubt this is a major problem, but it def one that needs time to work itself out.

Chin up and good luck, thinking of you xxx

I think part of being with someone is learning to argue with them, as everyone argues in different ways. I have found our arguments have evolved over time trying to find a balance between the way we fight. My boy always needs time alone to calm down, but I go more mental the longer he leaves me - we are working on finding the balance. If you recognize why you do this I think its something to deal with, but i think he needs to understand this and work with you and not threaten its the end.

Don't worry and talk it through, it can be resolved

I know everyone else has already said it but cancel your meeting with the caterer and have a chat with your OH.

Me and the OH are similiar in that he likes to walk off come back and forget it happened, whereas i like to argue about it and then talk about it and understand what why etcc..

I think some people are happy to scream at eachother get everything out whereas others like to clear their own head. But that can lead to frustration as things never get talked about

S x

This is actually a very similar situation to mine. My parents were not very loving (and eventually split up about 4 years ago), and so as a consequence I do not deal very well with conflict.

It sounds as you're the same as me - I get half way through an argument, get wound up and just need to take a breather, so storm off. This is the time that I collect my thoughts and figure out what i want to say, whereas my OH is very articulate and seems to become even more so in the heat of an argument, which irritates me even more! I then eventually go back down and we have it out again, but this time with what i want to say, and usually it is OH that backs down as I'm too stubborn and he just wants it over with.

We fought this weekend over some trivial thing, and eventually i decided the best thing was to just to explain to OH that that was my way of arguing, and while I would try to be more forgiving and less stubborn, he also needed to understand that i needed that time away to organise my thoughts, and it wasn't being childish, it was just how i need to go about it. It may not be perfect or 'adult', but its how it is. After 5 years we're still learning things about each other (we argue very rarely).

So, long story short, would it be worth having a conversation with him and just explain why you act the way you do, and that it is perfectly valid, and he needs to understand that its the way you deal with arguments?

Thanks for the advice everyone. There are definitely things I need to work on. I did tell him last night what it was like growing up and why I'm like I am and he said "you don't have to be like your parents." I told him I cant do it on my own and I need his help if he wants me to change. It's not something that I can just turn off. I think I need to learn to relax more and not get wound up so easily.

I think we will have a talk about it tonight, when he hasn't been drinking.

I definitely think alcohol had a LOT to do with what happened last night.

So you make a rule never to argue while drunk (either of you)?

Ok I think what he wants to change is the going off in a huff bit, he wants you to stay and talk it through.

I am the master off huffs myself, and I don't like it but I can't seem to stop myself, I get the rage and I go upstairs and I expect him to follow me, but just lately he's stopped....which upset me a lot, he's starting to fight back (doh!). Like yourself. However in my case I realise this is my own fault (I am not suggesting this is your fault necessarily just saying in my case it is) and I am definatley going to work on it. With me its PMT related I think which is a right b*gger cos I never used to get periods or PMT and all was well then we realised I have PCOS and had to go on the pill to try and fix it so we can one day have babies...catch 22 lol.

You'll be ok hun, but you do need to confront this for once and tell him all the stuff you feel and he'll do the same

PS what the previous poster said about unlearning behaviour, this can be done, I once had a course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for my depression and it did work wonders, I need to refresh myself on what it taught me methinks...

xx

I would not say 'you should never change'. The main point is, do you think you should change or at least work on a fault that you have that is upsetting your partner. In my case, I can be sulky and grumpy and we have had balzing rows about it in the past, so I have made conscious efforts to try not to do this. The reason I have is because I believe I am and will be a better person for it.

I think you need to talk to him and explain why you act like you do, and try to come to some agreement on how you will both deal with the same situation in future.

I hope you can work it out x

Exactly. This is behaviour that you can change - for the better - its just a learned response that isn't exactly the best way to resolve an argument. This isn't about changing who you are, but what you do. Walking away for a breather is fine, but you have to go back and finish the discussion, not go to bed and wait for him to come to you. IMHO many too many women do this.

'Never go to bed on an argument' is a good standard to live by, and even if you have an aversion to conflict it's something you have to learn to deal with.

I know it's what I have to do. I just don't know how to do it.

It's all about compromise though. So if you need to go off on your own to think and calm down, then do it. But make him realise that you don't want him to come up and say sorry. Gather your thoughts and then come back to him 10 mins later and talk it through rationally. Or if you've thought about it and you're wrong, then apologise.

I tried to tell him that yesterday. I told him that I don't want him apologising. Especially if he doesn't want to. He only apologises because he thinks he HAS to, but I don't want him to.

He didn't seem to listen though.

This can be very difficult to do, but definately worth the few mins of feeling horrible when once it's all over and resolved and you realise that all it took was for you to suck it up and walk downstairs (I don't mean this in a horrible way!)

Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it against your skin every time you feel you want to go off in a huff.*

*Apparently, this will reprogramme various behaviours, in this case, it acts as physical reinforcement that you don't *need* to run off and sulk anymore. Failing that, you can flick the rubber band at him, although this may constitute mild domestic violence. Or just laugh together at what an idiot you look.

I am kind of in you OH's situation - H has always been the kind of person who likes to storm off and sulk about things privately rather than have any kind of confrontation. Before we were living together theses sulks could go on for days - one lasted for 1 1/2 weeks! Things are much better now though.

We had a long talk during which I explained that if he wanted our relationship to work then he needed to learn how to discuss problems with me and I told him how it felt to be left after an argument, feeling a little emotionally fragile and with loads of questions to ask but no one to answer them (which I expect is how your OH feels). It's a really horrible feeling.

I also had to accept that 1) he wouldn't change overnight and 2) he would probably always behave like this to a certain extent. I've also had to learn how to judge when to leave him for a few minutes to calm down and when to encourage him to talk. It would be really easy for me to say 'sorry, sorry, sorry' all the time (and just like you going off in a sulk, him grovelling isn't the best way to deal with an argument either), which is something I'm often tempted to do, but I know it doesn't solve the problem.

HTH and if you want any more advice please PM me.