So tell me about trial separations...

Oh Jaz, I'm sorry you're even thinking about things and have a big ?, I hope you can work things out for the better, whatever that may be for you.

? Sorry you're going through this.

Probably not what you want to hear, but in my experience "trial separation" means "let's deny for a while that we're definitely going to split up, and and meet occasionally to row/cry/have drunken sex until one of us meets someone else".

Sorry Jaz, but "what she said".

Sorry to hear this.

FWIW I agree with Sophie- trial separations tend to be just a stepping stone to splitting up. i sit something your H has suggested? It always strikes me as a way for someone to have their cake and eat it- to experience the benefits of being apart without the guilt and finality of actually ending things. if you are hoping to make things work, I would resist the idea very strongly.

Oh Jaz, i am so sorry that you are going through this x x

When I suggested a trial separation to my first husband, what I really meant was 'I want to split up, but I think it will be easier to do it in stages'. I think the clue is in the words - trial separation means 'let's see how we get on apart from each other', NOT 'let's see if we can work at our marriage and sort things out'.
I think counselling is a much better route for actually sorting out issues. Because even if a trial separation makes both parties miserable, the same issues will be there when they attempt to get back together.

Sorry to be so negative. ?

L
xx

Hey Jaz, I have been thinking of you and was hoping you were ok, just want to say you know my door/phone/email is always open if you want a natter or change of scenery. ?

Thanks you're all very lovely ? and I appreciate the honesty.

It isn't so much H's as mine. We're bickering and staying out of each other's way at home doesn't work as we just can't do it. We have some issues and I'm waiting for a relate slot but at the minute I feel like we are in a cycle of being sad, sort of making up, being sad, then bickering and aren't moving forward. I sort of hoped us separating would allow us some space to see how we are when not together and draw a line under things if we decided to stay together. But then there are lots of potential down sides too and we don't want to make any big decisions lightly.

Thanks again.

Also please don't quote this as I might delete later as not many of my RL friends know we're not ok ?

Just wanted to say I hope you're OK. ?

Oh Jaz, I'm so sorry to hear this ?

What kind of things are you bickering about? Is it every day stuff and you are just getting under each others skin or are there bigger underlying issues that need to be addressed?

Getting away for a bit isn't a bad idea IMO, even if it's just for a few days. I wouldn't call it a trial separation though or think of it like that. From your description it sounds like what you want is just a bit of time to yourself to try to get some perspective before applying yourself to work on your relationship- I don't think that's the same thing as a trial separation at all.

Thanks again.

KB - short story is everyday stuff which spiralled, came to a head, led to massive row, tried to work things out but all a bit messy, something else quite big came out, row, now not sure what's happening

Trial separattion maybe is a bit extreme. We went away for a few days together and it didn't go all that well. Neither of us can get/afford to take more time off work or afford to go away either. In some ways I think it would do us both good to see what it would be like living without each other for a bit, seeing how much we miss each other, take for granted what we do for each other.

? I'm really sorry Jaz

Oh honey sorry to hear you're having a crap time. i hope you get a Relate appt asap lovely.... x

Oh Jaz, I honestly don't know what to say. If you ever need to offload away from here just drop me a line. ?

As KN said, a "trial separation" is just a prelude to splitting up - if you intend staying together you need to stick around and battle it out.

The trouble with "seeing what it's like without each other" is that anything is better than being in a relationship that's not working.

I have had the reverse experience of seperation to those already shared before.

I left my husband, trial was not even mentioned, i went as i'd had enough of frankly, being treated like i would not treat my enemy.

We went to Relate, i found it useful as i thought that at last someone could listen to me and understand why i was so bloody miserable. He howeer hated it and felt like it was sisterhood ganging up on him. He never went again, i went alone to discuss how to end things once and for all.

We both moved on a bit, both saw new people, both got very nasty with each other, a lot of crap happened but we did get back together as he made the right promises of change, and i decided i would have one more attempt at my marriage.

I won't pretend it has been easy, in fact it was horrendous still for a while, but he kept to his word and changed for the better, and we are stronger than ever.

So, a success story for you.

I think the time apart could do you some good and you may realise you miss each other. The problem is when I asked for some time apart from my H he decided that I meant we were over, accepted it and started to move on with his life which made me really miserable. He moved back in 3 months later after I realised I wasn't happy without him in my life. However, things aren't a bed of roses. I do want to be with him now which is progress from the state we had gotten in to where I didnt even want him to hug me but as I say still not a bed of roses and all of the things that were wrong in the first place are still there and he hasn't changed but I guess my attitude towards it has. I think you know in your heart of hearts what you want to do and you should follow it but at the same time be aware of the risks. My H came back but yours may not and you may end up regretting it. At the same time you may leave for a bit decided you never want to go back and go on to a better life.

I know this doesn't help but you need to weigh up your options - good luck xx

Hi Jax, sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. You know where I am if you need to off load at any time ?

Sorry I dont really have any advice, but wanted to give you a hug ? x

Hey Jaz just wanted to say if you need a wee chat mail me and to give you one of these ? so sorry to hear this..x

Oh, lovely Jaz, I had no idea! You poor thing, I think Relate is definitely the way forward for you both, if you need a bit of space could one of you stay with a close friend/family member for a few days?

You know where we are, sweetheart, and you can contact me through FB if you want to talk.

Take care ?

Jaz< I'm off to barcelona tomorrow but am back in a week if you want to meet up IRL. I can talk about it or not, whatever you want.

Just wanted to say thanks again for sharing your experiences, advice and hugs ? Today we're still in limbo and neither of us seem sure about what to do next (if anything). No word back from relate yet. No doubt I will keep you all updated though and may take up some offers of meeting up etc down the line.

? again