So upset! Am I in the wrong??? HELP

Personally I'd let them decide how they like their hair. They've got to wear it and be comfortable. If I had been made to have an up to at either of the weddings I was bridesmaid, I'd not of felt or looked comfortable.

Let them have their own style, my maids all gave completely different styles but it's how they want

I have been in a similar position, just I was the bridesmaid being told what hair style to have. I was initially told I could have my hair how i wanted, and then was told, i must have it in a large backcombed high bun , scraped back off my face. I personally hate having my hair all up for photographs, i feel self conscious and uncomfortable. I explained this to the bride and asked if there was any alternative. She agreed over the phone that i could have something different (i wasn't offered any trial), and i felt comfortable with that and ready to enjoy the day.

On the morning of the wedding, she told me that i was actually going to have my hair in a bun, and that was always going to be the case, and she'd only said i could have something different to keep me quiet.

It was horrible for me, as I hated my hair and how it looked on the day and felt self conscious throughout.

I understand that you may want all your BM's to have the same hairstyle so things match, but surely their feelings/ thoughts should be taken into account as well. We know what suits us best and maybe you could find a compromise.

i agree she may be not dealing with it in the best way, but is it more important that they have the same style or that they are happy and comfortable on your wedding day, which is likely to show in the pictures.

Could you send some picture ideas over which you like and work for both of them and let them chose?

I have been in a similar position, just I was the bridesmaid being told what hair style to have. I was initially told I could have my hair how i wanted, and then was told, i must have it in a large backcombed high bun , scraped back off my face. I personally hate having my hair all up for photographs, i feel self conscious and uncomfortable. I explained this to the bride and asked if there was any alternative. She agreed over the phone that i could have something different (i wasn't offered any trial), and i felt comfortable with that and ready to enjoy the day.

On the morning of the wedding, she told me that i was actually going to have my hair in a bun, and that was always going to be the case, and she'd only said i could have something different to keep me quiet.

It was horrible for me, as I hated my hair and how it looked on the day and felt self conscious throughout.

I understand that you may want all your BM's to have the same hairstyle so things match, but surely their feelings/ thoughts should be taken into account as well. We know what suits us best and maybe you could find a compromise.

i agree she may be not dealing with it in the best way, but is it more important that they have the same style or that they are happy and comfortable on your wedding day, which is likely to show in the pictures.

Could you send some picture ideas over which you like and work for both of them and let them chose?

Personally, while I don't think she's behaving very well, I don't think it's fair or reasonable to dictate how someone must have their hair. It's a bit bridezilla. Set some guidelines by all means, but at the end of the day, some people do feel very self concsious about their hair and so forcing them into a style that will make them unhappy is not a great idea and it will show on the day. Talk and find a compromise, better happy people than unhappy any day of the week.

The way she has behaved is pretty childish and rude yes however just because you like a style doesn't mean your BM would and telling them what style they are going to have is a little OTT. As long as they don't have mullets or a Mohawk (unless your having a rock theme) does it really matter and worth all the stress?

I know that you want everything to be perfect on your day, but I promise you, on that morning it will be no big deal - as long as they are both there and don't have a sack on their heads. Cut out the stress for everyone - primarily yourself - and let them do what they to do.

My two cents - change your hair so it doesn't match your friend and let your sister in law have a style that suits her that is not like yours.

Honestly they are likely to be in the same dress, shoes, jewellery and flowers - having different hair is fine. They will both look like your bridesmaids even if their hair doesnt march. This lady albeit behaviour is not ideal is going to be your sister in law - dont fall out over this.

Im sure your just shocked right now but as you must know, us girls can be particular of our hair and make up - but her pulling out of the hen do - she's clearly upset. Let her do her do as she likes!!

Best of luck x

I personally don't agree with telling bridesmaids how to wear their hair. I've said to mine to wear it however they like it. I'd rather them be happy and comfortable on the day than worry about how the hair looks in photos or whether or not it's different enough from mine or matches each other's.

If they have their hair in a style they neither like or feel comfortable with, it will show on their faces all day i.e., they'll be miserable, annoyed and peeved and it will show on the photos. I'm not a fan of everything being matchy matchy. I sometimes feel that Brides forget we are dealing with people and not accessories. Honestly, it's not worth falling out or spoiling the day for.

Is it worth causing a family row over? I doubt it. Let her have her hair as she wants, let the other bm have the bun and have yours how it suits you best. Get married with happy bms and then have a good relationship with your SIL - much more important

Why is it so important to you to have matching styles!

Equally

why is it so important to her not to have that hairstyle.

she is being diabolical, particularly getting her mother to fight her battle, but I don't feel unless there's a specific reason I.e the dress has a fancy back so it needs to be high to show the dress off you are allowed to dictate the hair. I do understand your probably thinking if I let this le go what will she get over me next. But you have enough to worry about on the run up to your wedding don't pick this to be the hill to die on

Why is it so important to you to have matching styles!

Equally

why is it so important to her not to have that hairstyle.

she is being diabolical, particularly getting her mother to fight her battle, but I don't feel unless there's a specific reason I.e the dress has a fancy back so it needs to be high to show the dress off you are allowed to dictate the hair. I do understand your probably thinking if I let this le go what will she get over me next. But you have enough to worry about on the run up to your wedding don't pick this to be the hill to die on

Another one who thinks you should save yourself the stress and let them have their hair how they like. Even if it's similar to what you're having I can't imagine your guests would notice, they will be too busy looking at the beautiful dresses and enjoying the day.

I haven't given any though about what my bridesmaids are having done with their hair, I've told them it's up to them and my hairdresser.

Geez let them wear their hair how they want - its THEIR hair!!! :-)

Different lengths hair can be problematic. I have a similar situation. One of my BMs has a graduated bob and it's gettting shorter each time I see her. She kindly went with me to my hair and makeup trial, but my MUA does not do trials for BMs. Originally I wanted all my BMs to have curls, so I have a soft, romantic look going on. I even found examples of curls for different lengths hairs on the internet. My MUA was honest with me, and I am grateful to her for it. She said the curls wouldn't be possible on that length hair, she could try to do something, add a bit of volume but she would be getting paid for not much work. She said it would be better if the BM kept her hair as is, and added a hairslide. I figured she's the expert, I get to save £s, and I get to shave half an hour off the hair and makeup time (or get half an hour buffer).

Perhaps you and your SIL can keep your original hair styles, and your other BM does her own e.g. straightens it a bit or curls it in at the bottom and add a small hairpiece (that doesn't overshadow yours). On the day, how your BMs look will be secondary, most people's eyes will be on the bride.

I would say it's not worthwhile causing a family argument over the hair - these things in the planning can seem like the biggest deal at the time - however on the day I doubt anyone would notice. When I was a bridesmaid we were all told to go get what we wanted - four had different updo's, the fifth had half up / down and it looked lovely as everyone looked individual. Save the stress where you can

She's being rude and very childish! However it's not worth having a family fall out over. Let her have it how she wants. You won't even think about it on the day, it's minor. Don't worry! X

Ugh she sounds like a nightmare - you said she made a fuss the first time round as well. While it's awful letting her have her way - I'm super stubborn so this would really stick in my throat lol - you're probably best giving in. The alternative is to drop her as a bridesmaid and while that's tempting it's probably not worth the falling out. She won't matter on the day love - even if your hair is identical you're still going to outshine her

THIS.

Seriously. It's hair. It's not even YOUR hair. When you close your eyes and imagine marrying your soulmate, do you really think about your bridesmaids hair?!

I'm going to be completely different and I don't think you're being unreasonable!

I've told my bridesmaids they can have their hair however they want but I want them all to be the same. Are there any other hairstyles that both girls could have if you wanted them to have the same?

I think I've been flexible with my bridesmaids, I've let them choose whatever they want (dress, shoes, etc) as long as they all have the same - I don't think too many people on here would agree that I'm being flexible but I don't really care. Being a bridesmaid for someone is a big deal and I know what I've asked wouldn't have offended or upset my maids.

I a going to break the trend.

I think she's acting childish. Yes, it is her hair - but it's your wedding and you're paying for her hair to be done. It's part of the role of being a bridesmaid.

My sister cracked the shits when I didn't like the hairstyle she wanted. Several months later, on the morning of the wedding, we all agreed to a style for both bridesmaids - which they loved. If I let her choose her hair, she'd look out of place. My other bridesmaid doesn't normally brush her hair - and she needed to look polished.

If the style really didn't suit her, and she offered an alternative, I'd consider it. I wanted the girls to look good - and that means feeling good too. However, the final word stops with me if I'm paying. If they don't like it - I guess I'd have been down a bridesmaid or two.

While i wouldnt choose a bm's style, her behaviour is disgraceful about it.

i completely understand why you are upset. it seems far more to do with her attitude than the actual refusal on the style. id be ditching any bm who spoke to me that way. surely she could have been more polite and just suggested some alternatives?

Personally I would apologise and say you've thought about it and agree that it's perfectly fine for her to wear her hair as she feels comfortable, as it's her support that is valuable but I would also expect her to apologise for her incredibly childish and rude behaviour and if she has a problem in future, to raise it in a mature way without the involvement of her mother. I can see why she was annoyed but the way she reacted is disgusting.

Having been a bridesmaid, I did everything I could to make the brides life easier, including being happy with whatever dress I wore, hair I had, and make up, etc. it's not about me, it's about the couple whose one day it is to enjoy! Alternatively, being a bride, I let the bridesmaids choose their own shoes, dresses, and hair styles. I didn't really care what they had, and even though I was a little disappointed that one of my bridesmaids wanted an up do, when the rest had down dos, including my own, she looked beautiful when she had it done, I was really happy for her, all concerns went out the window, and it honestly didn't matter AT ALL on the day, or in photos after. I agree that letting her have her own way, is just letting her get away with her immature and childish behaviour and getting her mum to fight her battles is horrible! I think you need to make it very clear how upset you are at her mum and her doing that to you, after you've decided what you want to do with the hair styles. I think however upset someone is at a certain decision, she needs to realise that is NOT the right way to act, she should be thinking about you and her brother, and there is always a better way to get your point across!

Alternatively, just let her have her way, and don't say anything. There are a few things I could have said to my sil, and bil , but never did, and it bothers me that I haven't said anything sometimes, but my decision not to, was based on keeping family peace. I don't see them that often anyway, so there wasn't much point creating bad vibes for the sake of meeting sil, and bil at family gatherings or Christmas. It's whether you feel you could make peace with yourself and let what she said go?

I am going against the trend here but I think the Bm is being completely unreasonable. She is 37 years old and she is swearing, refusing to go on the hen do and getting her mum to hurl abuse at the bride. All stress the bride doesn't need as we all know how stressful planning weddings are! I understand if she feels uncomfortable but she has acted disgustingly anyone would think the wedding is about her. Personally I would drop her from the wedding party, sil or not, she is not worth the hassle and if she is like this over hair imagine how else she could be. Some people are a disgrace.

I agree with those that said you should let this one go. It's only hair and nobody will ever notice!

She's behaved badly, but it's not worth the long term fall out you could have with your in-laws. Ask her what style she is comfortable with and see if you can come up with a compromise.

I hope this will the last problem you have in the run up to the wedding. Good luck

I think most people are agreeing with this, they're just saying that it's not worth the hassle to keep fighting her. As I've already said in another thread this morning, sometimes you just gotta pick your battles, especially where family is concerned. Some members of my family fell out over another wedding (not mine) and the fallout went on for YEARS. You just don't need that kind of drama in your life, especially not over a hairstyle.

Hi,

I totally agree with you, you are not asking too much for a bit of symmetry for your wedding day. It is you that will have photos of that day all over your house not them. All they need to do is have their hair how you would like for one day. You want them to look nice so you have not picked anything that will not suit them. Members of the wedding party are supposed to support you and mine just want me to have the best day possible for me and that I am happy.

It sounds like she doesn't deserve to be your BM selfish, self centred person with no regards for YOUR feelings on YOUR day. xx

Oh dear MrsScott2be2016... I'm sorry but I find this idea very strange! I'm going to have to burst the bubble with a little reality... Your wedding is a day to celebrate your marriage with your FRIENDS and FAMILY. It's difficult to celebrate with people that are angry with you. in the interest of peace and having an enjoyable wedding day it is important to consider other people's wishes and feelings.

OP will be married to her OH for a very long time so her SIL and MIL in law will be in her life for a very, very long time for birthdays, Christmases, Christenings, general visits.

Please OP, I know it can be tempting to think that everyone should do what you want because you are the bride.

The problem is a) they probably won't and b) even if they do they will be very resentful.

Your SIL's hair will not affect whether you're having a good day or not. Trust me as an OM, you will not even notice and neither will anyone else. If your sister is in a foul mood and your MIL is irritated with you it will make wedding planning a nightmare, the day might well be affected by it and it might cause problems further down the line not only with them but also with your OH.

Right - i'll get off my box now.

WSS. If it was me OP I'd be really angry with SIL - she's being foul. But you're stuck with her. And it's best not to start married life off with a falling out with the in-laws!

I would rather look back at photos of happy bridesmaids with mismatched hair than scowling faces ruining half the album.

Her reaction has been ridiculous, but she's about to become your family, is it worth causing a fall-out over? I would just let her get on with it.