sorted now

TBH - yes I think you are really he is only 6 , girls love to dress up and twirl around etc boys don't , he'll slide about on his knees on the dance floor later and TBH do you really really want to appear to be treating them differently ?

I would just ask him what he wants to do, and either way I would still get him a gift if your daughter is getting one. Bearing in mind he's only 6 years old and could not want to be involved or be happy about the wedding for all sorts of reasons (shyness, fear of change), I don't think it would do any good for him to feel resentful over the fact that his step-sister is getting a present and he isn't.

I think maybe as the other girls say he might b shy and not up for having a role where he might be nervous but you should still get him a gift if u r getting yur daughter one, he is only a child and how would you or your daughter feel if she ddnt want to b involved and your OH suggested not getting her anything?? X

To be honest, i think not giving him a gift is only going to be seen, by him (and maybe others), as an unfair way to single him out. its fine, he doesnt have to be a part of it, but regardless of whether he wants to be in the spotlight or just sit with the other guests, he is still your stepson and if your daughter is getting a present then so should he, imo.

Do you really want to start your new lives on such a silly foot? it will have a baring, I am sure

Yes you are being unreasonable. He's only 6!

We have asked him what he wants to do and says nothing, he does not want to be involved at all, we have been together since he was two so he doesnt know any different so it is not a change thing and he is happy that we are getting married (we have asked this question also) his mum got married recently and he was involved in that. its not about treating him differen,t my daughter is not the only flower girl so she wont be the only child getting a present.

Where will the bridal party be sat? on the front row? if so then i think he should be sat with them! and yes you are being a bit unreasonable...i don't think either child 'need' a gift (and i probably wouldn't buy for either) but if you are buying for one then you should buy for the other...surely you want to celebrate coming together as a family and the children need to know from the off that they are equal...

he may change his mind about being more involved...have you given him some 'options' of what to do e.g pageboy, giving out confetti/order of service, doing a reading etc? or is he not interested in anything? x

I have to agree with everyone else I'm afraid. As an adult, I'm scared of being in the spotlight all day, so I can understand why a 6 year old wouldn't to do it! I don't think it's fair to single him out for this and I think it may just show you in a bad light if you treat him differently to your daughter. you are marrying his dad after all so you are a family unit and everyone should be treated equally in a family.

It sounds like you're feeling a bit resentful of the fact that he agreed to be involved in his mum's wedding but not yours? (Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the impression I get). I still stand by the fact that whatever his reasons are he's only 6 years old, and you don't want to risk him feeling any kind of resentment over the fact that his step-sister got a present and he didn't.

When I was a child my parents would always buy my sister a present on my birthday and vice versa. You could say that we weren't "entitled to" a present when it wasn't our birthday, but my parents always wanted to make sure we felt equal no matter what.

I just dont understand why you wouldnt want to get him a present, surely he deserves a present as much as any other child at your wedding. He will feel singled out and thats not fair, its actually really mean imo.

You dont have to get gifts for involvement in a wedding, a gift for just being HIM would be nice

He is not intrested in anything, we have given him the option for it all. we are only buying the flower gorls presents because they are being flower girls not just cause they are children.

Can you really not see that you are being quite mean here?

Well if he isn't interested in doing anything then i would still have him on the front row and buy him a token gift ... to a child he may not link the presents with being flower girls (as lets face it flower girls don't do much!) and just see it as her getting a present over him...for the sake of a tenner i would get him a gift as well!! x

Thanks for eveyones input I shall talk it over with the OH. x

Regardless if he does a "job" or not he should have a gift.

Could you just ask him to do "a" job ? sometimes if kids at this age have been given too many options it can seem overwhelming.

Have you considered that he might not have liked the attention at his mum's wedding and this has put him off doing anything at yours ?

This

He may have been involved in his mum's weddign and perhaps he didnt like it? or felt a bit too overwhelmed with it. It doesn't really matter that it is not just your daughter getting a present, surely in your household, it will be her only and not him being treated. It is very unfair to treat them both differently at that age as he surely will not understand that she has done a job for the present, he will just see the unfairness.

He may also change his mind in time, so don't discount him out completely.

Im not trying to be mean at all, I love my step son and consider him as my own as my OH does my daughter and we treat them equally. Do you have children?

I assume you're talking to me? Yes I do have a child.

Yes i do have children, two, one of each. Id never treat them differently, if one didnt want to be involved, thats fine and they are allowed to make up their own mind about that. It doesnt mean I wouldnt want to treat them to a gift to show I appreciate them. You dont have to do a job to deserve a gift, being who you are is enough, or at least should be.

I cant believe you have to even think about it... sigh

yes ...3 but quite honestly 2 of them will be on the "for sale" forum soon after the day they have had lol

Why did you ask me that? Will you only take parents opinions on board?

Haha!! this made me chuckle!

not sure who you were asking about the children...i don't have children (hope this doesn't mean i shouldn't have answered your question!) but i still have children in my family/friends etc and in my opinion they should both get a gift or none of them! x

I dont have children but i work as a teacher and also was in the position of step mum for a year or two for a previous partner.

I always treated them both equally and even if one of them didnt want to do soemthing we suggested, they were never made to feel different from the other one

I don't have any children. I feel my opinion is still valid though, I may not have children but I was a 6 year old kid once!

For the sake of one present you would risk him feeling left out? He's only 6!

Can you try and imagine the reverse situation. ie your daughter doesn't want to get involved and your OHs son is really keen? What would you do with your daughter then? Would you get her a gift?

I think you are being unfair. I am not a parent but at my FMILs wedding my OHs step sister (complicated) decided she didn't want to be a bridesmaid, she was 15 and she was bridesmaid at her mums wedding. She still got her outfit brought for her and a present as she was still an important person in terms of not only the wedding but the building of their new family.

I am also a primary school teacher so have a fair bit of experience with 6 year olds and would have thought you step son would be rather upset to being treated differently to the flower girls. I would imagine he is also rather likely to change his mind right up until the day.

I wouldn't do this to my own son no mind a step son where it could be perceved as cruel and picking favorates- what boy wants to be in a wedding anyway, i can bearly get my 35 year old oh intrested no mind a 6 year old! Hes going to be part of your family, give him a gift. remembering when your step mother stuffed you in the corner and refused to give you anything while her daughter paraded around being given gifts just sets you up for resentment.

Just a thought - does he know what role he might be able to have? With girls, every girl knows you can be a bridesmaid/flower girl - there are pictures everywhere and all girls love to dress up. Boys, generally arn't all excited about the dressing up and don't really know what else there is to do (and this generally carrys on even into adulthood when they become the groom ?), so he probably doesnt see any role.

For the 6yr old boy (who'll be turning 7 shortly after) at our wedding, my cousin, he's going to be the ring bearer. I felt this was a better name than a pageboy as it clearly defines what he is doing. His sisters are my young bridesmaids and are all excited about the dressing up and about what I'm wearing and hair styles etc - but the boy, he "has the most important job"!

I'm not a parent or a step parent so i can't comment on that. But all my flower girls will be doing is putting on a pretty dress that I have bought for them and walking down the aisle with me. So they have the title of flower girl but they aren't really doing any useful jobs. I don't really see what useful jobs a 6 year old can do. So why does she deserve a present when he doesn't?

Agree with everyone else, you need to buy him a little present too as 6 is so young still and they can feel very pushed out and resentful over what seems like nothing to an adult but is a big deal to them. I have my four nieces as bridesmaids and flower girls, the youngest has a six year old brother who I hadn't planned on asking to do anything but straightaway he was asking his mum what he would be wearing which made me feel awful. His mum dealt with it quickly but I am now giving him a couple of things to do and a gift along with my son and he is over the moon! Still haven't bought him an outfit though which I'm currently debating...

Agree with everyone else. You can't treat him differently just because he doesn't want to be involved. He's 6 give him a break!

I was a bridesmaid when I was about 4, I got to wear a pretty dress. My brother refused to put on his page boy outfit and had to be bribed with a present. He sat in the pews with my family. He certainly wasn't left out and now years later our family laughs about it. I really don't think children care that much about weddings, they're more interested in running around the dance floor and eating large amounts of cake. I think you're presuming too much and can't believe you are even considering this.

Oh and I'm a parent too, not that this is relevant to yor argument.