Standing on a crossroads and I'm not sure which direction to take

I'm not surprised you don't know what to do - you have far too much to do on your plate. Being blunt though, some of that is your own doing - you don't have to train to be a scout leader, supervise the archery etc. Sounds like you've bitten off a bit more than you can chew.

Obviously we don't have the underlying detail of the marital issues but it strikes me that you need some time to step back and take stock of things.

Bloomin eck....slow down!!! LOL

It's worn me out just reading your post. Jumping in, do you think that you give your OH enough of your time?

It sounds as though you fill your days up with so much that you don't give yourselves a chance to talk properly & therefore work out if you really don't want to be with him, or find the part of him you fell for...

? I'm sure other hitchers will have much better advice & musings

Ditto there BGB ?

Hi essexmum

Wow that's a lot you've got going on there. You really have my sympathies as I am in a similar situation at the moment, not with my H, but with with too much happening all at once.

I think there are 2 issues here - the issue with your H and the issue with time.

Time first - is there anything at all you could cut out of your life for now? Could the Scout training go on hold until after your op? Could you do the rest of the Xmas shopping online to save time? Could you buy a birthday cake for your lad? Do you HAVE to do an xmas cake for work? Could you ask for an extension on your essays owing to your forthcoming surgery? Can your H help with anything?

About your husband. I think maybe now is not a good time for you to be thinking about the future of your marraige, when you have so much happening and major surgery on the horizon. Could you keep things in a holding pattern until after the op and things have calmed down and your head is more clear?

Great minds ?

You right re the scout leadership thing, however when I'm hoping to train as a teacher when I graduate and I'm using the scout thing as experieince of working with children outside of the school environment. I didn;t realise how involved I'd become in such a small space of time (I only volunteered 4 weeks ago!!!). I'm also the only one out of the 3 of us who can do the archery on Saturday. If I wan;t there then the 10 boys that have signed up wouldn't be able ot take part. However it's the lack of support I get from the OH that irritates me more than anything. He knows I'm at scout tonight and need to leave at 6.20, however he's chosen (yet again) to cycle into work insdie of drive which means that he won;t be home till gone 7pm. This means I have to take my daughter with me. Bascially the underlying issue is his obsession with his mtb, racing, training for racing etc etc etc WE've fallen out about it before (and I'm sure I've maon about it on here before). He then pulls back for a few days then he's back to normal. It's like ot talking to a bloody brick wall at times. I don;t think he even realises what I get up to in the day, I'm sure as I only work one day a week he thinks that life is breeze for me and that he has all the stresses. If only!

I see your point but again from an outsider's perspective, you're equally guilty of filling all your time. You need to start saying no once in a while. Whilst there may only be 3 people who can run the archery, perhaps it would be more accurate that there are only 2? It sounds like you're trying to please everyone and not let them down. If you do that then that's got to be a fairly persuasive argument for spending free time with you and the kids (after all, if you have no spare time then how is he going to spend his time?) I know that sounds like I'm placing all the emphasis on you, which I'm trying not to do as I know that his perceived problems are equally at fault.

Fundamentally though, whatever the merits of the ways either of you spend your time, neither of you has enough time to sit down and talk. I don't think a marriage can possibly survive with the two of you leaving separate lives and probably both of you feeling resentful of the other.

It does sound like you have too much on your plate. Do you get volunteered for things like making your office's Christmas cake or do you volunteer yourself?

Obviously, walking away from the marriage wouldn't make your life any less complicated. You'd just find yourself with a new layer of having to juggle your kids visits to their dad, etc. Arguing about who gets the kids on Christmas day. Parcelling up their time between you. Running everything yourself. And being tighter on money,etc because your joint family income would now be split across two families.

Maybe you and your H need to find space for the two of you so you can spend time together. I think its normal to find the other person annoying. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that. Don't lose sight of the things you fell in love with though.

I'm just on my way out to pick up the kids now, have read all your replies and will respond promise, just when I get 5 minutes before scouts. Thanks so far though, it certainly gives a different viewpoint to my own meandering musings!

Blimey, you'd need one hell of a big plate to get all that on! I think you maybe need to take a step back and take stock - but not until you've had your op and recovered. And you need to be sensisble about this - if you're going for an op there's lots you can't do, especially straight afterwards. You need to be thinking now about shedding some of these responsibilities you've taken on and giving yourselvf breathing space.

Are you sure you aren't unconsciously filling your time with 'stuff' so you don't have to think about some of the more serious, fundamental underlying issues that seem to be present here?

Other Hitchers have pretty much said what I was going to type in response to the OP.

I honestly don't know how anyone could ever keep a marriage ticking over well with the amount of things you've got going on in your life, it made me feel stressed just reading the list of things you've got on your plate in the short term, never mind anything else.

I think you need to re-assess what's important in your life, and prioritise accordingly (this goes for your H too from the sounds of it). The Scout thing I can understand if you kind of "need" to do for your experience, but I really don't think volunteering to do that as well as the archery thing shortly before going in for an operation was a good idea. Please think about the things that really *need* to go on in your life, then try and mix up the *wants* so that there is less of them all going on at once. It's surely the only way that you can ever get some relaxation time? I mean, without wanting to be blunt, but when was the last time that you and your OH spent an evening together with the kids watching a movie, and that's all? (No uni work, no doing something whilst watching it, etc.) You're questioning your marriage in unfair circumstances, any person would go half mad with that workload IMHO. It's interesting that the post seems to be about your marriage and your feelings towards it, and obviously everyone wants to feel supported, that's a valid point, yet most of the text is about your life in general, and nothing to do with your H.

I kind of speak from experience in this dept. btw - when I first went to uni I worked part-time too and was constantly complaining about the lack of "me" time, until H pointed out that mostof the things I spent doing in my free time were CHOICES, not obligations. I.e. weekly visits to parents, no longer done on rote, cleaning the house, it's done when it needs doing now instead of a specific night set aside, and so on.

Thanks again for you insights. Most of things I've mentioned have to be done before the op so that I can relax and recover properly after, I also need to start writing up my dessertation research and I plan to do that during my recovery period when I'm laying around and not being able ot move - this is why I need to get everything out ofthe way first. The last time my Oh and I had some 'me' time was Saturday night. I'd spent the last two weeks thining about what I could wear then Saturday I got my hair done, the kids spent the nights at my mums and we went out to a black tie event. All was going well until we came home, I was obvisouly expecting wahy more than he was was because aswe got into bed at 12.15pm (so not overly late) he turned around and and said that as he had to get up for a race the next day at 6.30am he was going straight to sleep - nice, not the 'romantic' childfree night I had in mind. Then to top it off he said he'd be home at 1pm, he strolled in at 3pm and wonderered why I was miffed. This is just the tip of the iceberg and it seems to me that his bike and everything associated with it seems to come before I want and need and tbh I'm sick of it. I'ts become a sort of obsession with him and if he's not riding he's thinking about riding, or in the garage cleaning/maintaining the bloody things (he has 5).

I'm not overly concerned with what I got on as I thrive on pressure, however I think a little understanding on his part that sometimes I need him home would be nice. That said I rang him at work at 4.20pm to see what time he was leaving (just to see if he was going to leave before 6pm) and it seems he's already left, maybe our little spat this aftenoon has triggered something. Who knows - all I know is I'll work at it until the new year and then reassess. I need to get my op over and done with before I make any major decisions (tbh I'm *** sacred of the op but I'm not admitting THAT to anyone!)

Let us know how you get on, please try and talk with your OH, tell him that you're concerened about your relationship & your operation...but whatever you don't put the blame on him, both of you are probably to blame equally, he just finds other things to occupy his time like you do, unfortunately they're not in sync with each other.

Again essexmum, to be blunt, but it's all focused on your view of his faults. Perhaps you need to see things from his point of view? (btw, I wouldn't necessarily call a night out to a black tie do 'alone time') I'm not condoning his behavour and FWIW I do think he sounds weird and obsessive but there usually needs to be compromise on both sides.

You say you aren't concerned with how much you're doing but every poster on this thread has commented that you're doing too much to be able to sit back and think. I think GMT may have a valid point about you avoiding some of the issues you need to deal with. I don't think it would be healthy undergoing surgery with all of this on your plate.