step-kids

Hi

so sorry to hear that. i think i remember the thread, was their mum trying to turn them against their dad? hopefully they will come round in time and come to the wedding for the sake of their dad.

hugs xx

Just going from things on your last post, it seems odd that you have been together 6 years andnow all of a sudden they have got a problem with things.mare you sure its not their mom behind these sudden u turns?

I think its just best to focus on your wedding, and ket them know that they are welcome to attend should they change their minds and they will be sorely missed if they dont.

I honestly dont think you are the problem here. If you were, then the stepson wouldnt be acting like alls well today. It just seems something more. Maybe im wrong

Justice focus on you and your OH and make your day the best possible. If they really dont want to come, there is nothing that you can do about it as they are old enough to make their own decisions.

Good luck though. What a horrible situation to be in x x big hugs x

Bekkijane I'm sorry to hear that - I can only imagine how down you must be feeling. I hope that they both have a change of heart in time to enjoy the wedding with the rest of you xx

Sending you a hug! All I can say is concentrate on your wedding, if in the end they don't attend then it's not your fault. Families are mental most of the time lol x

We're absolutely positive its her and there's nothong we can do about it. We've told them both that they are welcome to come, even if they change their minds on the morning of the wedding and wear tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts!!

Its all we can do for now but she won't stop the wedding, if thats what she's hoping!!

I really feel for you my lovely. I really do. Huge hugs xx

The only experience I have of this is my Mum married my step-dad. I hated him and loved him in equal amounts. Half the time I was evil to him, the other half, lovely. (I was 12 or 13 when they got together). As I got older, I settled down, and I truly cared for him. It just took maturity. I was the same with people my Dad went out with/married (I have lost count of his wives though).

It takes a lot of strength and perseverance to be a step parent. I really wish I could make you a coffee and give you an hour of my time to talk it all out. Don't cancel the wedding, it will all work out in the end, when they are old enough to understand and see all sides of the story.

x

As a Mum with kids that have a step mum I would be absolutely horrified if they were treating her like this and I know my ex would feel that same about my fiancé! Does the Mum know that they are being this awful? Can your lovely man speak to her at all? So sorry I cant even imagine how upset you both must be, hugs xx

Ps my kids aren't nice to their step parents 24/7 they are teenagers after all but refusing to come to a wedding is really hurtful.

Thank you AMCWB! Although, a large vodka may just do the job rather than the coffee ?

Paranoid pixie, she hates me so she definitely is behind their attitudes and is probably loving the fact they are refusing to come. When she found out we were gettimg married, she asked OH to make sure he provided for his children in his will as she didn't want my children favoured over his. He told her it was none of her business what he put in his will.

Its since then that things have gone this way, so it is certainly het. She would love to prevent him marrying me.

Sorry if I've missed it but how old are the kids? Are you sure it's them deciding to not come or is it thier mum making them?

A step mum too and I know how hard it can be. The ex kept chopping and changing the whole way through planning, one minute they were coming, then they wernt. One crazy plan of hers was that they could come if I agreed to not change my name as she diddnt want me having the same name as her kids....

i know it's hard but you need to just not rise to it and hope it will turn out well.

If you want a stepmum related chat just give me a shout- there's a few of us otters with mental exes and challenging step kid situations to we have lots of knowledge between us!

Thanks mini! The kids are 20, 18 and 16. We always knew the eldest wasn't coming, she fell out with her dad when her parents got divorced and hasn't spoken to him since. The two boys are very influenced by their mother and she tends to use what I call the drip technique, never says anything outright but makes comments here and there.

I may well call on you for that chat!!

I just dont understandbthese horrible exs. If you have been split up for years and years why are you so bitter still?? Its a really sad way to live your life.

My daughter is almost 12 and her dad is getting married in July. Granted I have only seen his mrs a handful of times, she seems nice and I trust his judgement to marry a nice woman who our daughter gets on with. I would never behave like that towards his mrs. At the end of the day, he isnt with me and its nothing to do with me who he sees.

Sorry pointless post, just fail to see the logoc of these strange, bitter women!

Beckie, is their mom still married to mr turkish man? If so, whats her pronlem? X

Bekkijane - please don't let this ruin your day. You have worked so hard for it, you deserve a wonderful, happy day. I can understand that you must be bitterly disappointed but I suspect the ex is probably hoping to stir-up trouble (through the children) and hopes itll effect your day. So you must try and stand tall and not let it get to you, no matter how upset you are. I think you've done the right thing, leaving it open for the children to decide to come and being kind to them regardless. We all know it's not their fault, but not yours either. Just do your best to suck it up and put all your efforts into ensuring your day will be wonderful.

Surprisingly, still together and they have a 2.5 year old of their own as well. I'll be honest, I thought he'd run off once his visa was set!!

I think her problem is that we were once friends and even though me and OH didn't get together until after their divorce and long after we fell out over something unrelated, she doesn't want him to be with me.

OH disagrees though, he thinks she just can't bear the thought that he hasn't pined away since she left him.

I don't know really. In her place, I would be happy that he was with someone and glad for him, but there you go.

It does feel like it is coming from her doesn't it? I think you are handling it in a great way -leaving the door open for them to come so they can if they change their minds. You really shouldn't cancel or delay the wedding because of this. Fingers crossed they do go to your wedding.

Mini -Mr Mini's ex has ideas above herself. What has it got to do with her if you changed your name?

Just wanted to give you a hug and say that the ex wife is a cow. The boys will feel very silly in years to come when they realise how easily manipulated they are.

Oh bekki this is awful!!

im a step mum also and I know had me and oh got married when we first planned to years ago we would have had trouble with the ex. Back then we wanted to elope and get wed on a beach but oh wanted his girls there (understandably) but without knowing our wants the ex told him flat one day that he'd never be allowed to take the girls out of the country.

to cut a very long story short, we actually split up for nearly 3 years during which he moved in with another woman (and at this point I sent him a friendly, "I'm at peace with us and really happy for you" message and then moved on. But while we we're split the girls missed me, and this other woman also caused probs between the eldest and the mum and we actually became friends over it all. Don't get me wrong she called me an absolute loon when we got back together and will maintain till her last days that I am nuts but since we been back together we all get along so much better.

anyway that's not helping you at all!! I just wanted to try and say I can almost empathise with you and know how heart broken you and oh must feel.

just want to send big hugs and lots of vodka (and it's not often I share my vodka lol!) and as others have said all you can do is make it clear they are welcome to change their minds and hope that they do!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sending love. What a total cowbag this woman sounds! They have time to change their minds....

Sending love. What a total cowbag this woman sounds! They have time to change their minds....

Oh this broke my heart for you. Your day WILL still be a beautiful one, just as you deserve it to be. I can't give you any better advice than the others already have, but it's great that you are being so generous with the boys and their feelings and leaving the door open for them.

Stinks to the ex, disgraceful behaviour.

Love to you and your Mr, and fingers and toes crossed that the boys change their minds.

I'[m so sorry this is happening to you, sadly you can't force people to play nice if they don't want to I just wanted to say I think you're handling it really maturely and that telling them they're always unconditionally welcome is the best you could've done. Hopefully things will change between now and the wedding, I hope it does work out for you x

Just as an update. I didn't sleep well last night, just kept going over it all in my head. I am firmly convinced that she thinks OH will cancel the wedding if his kids aren't there and that she is 100% behind their decision. Talking it through with himself today, we are standing together and refusing to be blackmailed. The wedding will go ahead with or without the kids so we are going to make certain they know that and remind them that they can change their minds whenever they like. In better news, asos delivered the fellas ties this morning woo hoo!!

Thank you all for your support girls, not sure where I would be without you!!

Glad you have decided to carry on with the wedding regardless of the kids being there or not. Althiugh it woukd be a bonus if they were.

I think its a bit odd that these kids are so easily manipulated by their mom. They are not little children. The youngest is 16 and perfectly old enough to make his own decisions.

There are a few months left to go yet so plenty of time fornthem to change their minds. Maybe OH should take them out and have a man to man talk with the boys and let them know theyvare loved and welcome no matter what they decide as long as it is their decision and no one elses. May be better coming from dad than yourself if you know whatni mean.

Good luck with everything. Fingers crossed for you that all works out x

Exactly the right thing to do. Let them know it's going ahead nonetheless, how you'd still love them to be there and that you'll be sad for them to miss it but that it is their choice, but that they can change their mind at any time. Kids often don't like to think they're missing out on something so they may will come round anyway, especially as they seethings coming together. I feel for them though as they will feel like they are stuck in the middle. They're trying to do the right thing for their mum which is commendable, but she's wrong to manipulate them in this way.

When my ex got remarried, our daughter decided she wasn't going, end of, and our son decided he wanted to go. Daughter lived down south so it was her decision totally, and our son lived with me so I had some influence.But, I never once suggested he shouldn't go or made it difficult for him to decide.

Good luck, I really hope it comes together for you and the boys.

Nothing I can say hun, just sending hugs ?

Erin- she puts lots of excellent demands on us, we are not allowed to drink alcohol in front of the kids either according to her, or park in a certain way....we basically ignore all of it!

Op- fwiw I think you have dealt with it in the best way. It's hurtful when people decide not to come to your wedding, you can't change thier mind though so you have to box the feelings up and move on.

Erin- she puts lots of excellent demands on us, we are not allowed to drink alcohol in front of the kids either according to her, or park in a certain way....we basically ignore all of it!

Op- fwiw I think you have dealt with it in the best way. It's hurtful when people decide not to come to your wedding, you can't change thier mind though so you have to box the feelings up and move on.

Only thing to do isn't it mini! One things for certain, I'm not going to give in to her blackmail and I WILL be Mrs A in 4 months and 25 days whether she likes it or not ?

That's the spirit. Nothing annoys these women more than them realising you don't give a *** about thier ridiculous demands/agenda they always want a reaction.

That's the spirit. Nothing annoys these women more than them realising you don't give a *** about thier ridiculous demands/agenda they always want a reaction.

Why is everything posting twice?!

I think with these type of women they cant stand it that they no longer have "control" over their ex so will do everything they can to retain the control, including manipulating the children. I also think there is an element of bitterness on their part that their ex has got over them and moved on, regardless of where they are in their life.

You are deffinitely doing the best thing by continuing with your plans and keeping the door open for his kids. They will remember it in the future when they see through their mum.

Sending you hugs xxx

I definitely can't add anything, but I want you to know, that both of your posts (this thread and the other one) really broke my heart.

I see parents using their children against ex's all the time at school (sometimes whilst still together and not yet ex!) and it is appalling behaviour.

Your H2B ex sounds rather bitter (did I read in the other thread that she re-married rather quickly? I feel that she may now have regrets over leaving you soon to be, and wishes to use his children to get back - either with him or to some how break him)

You are doing all you can, sadly, no age is too old for them to be manipulated - I've seen it happen with 6yr olds, and with 26yr olds. Just keep inviting his sons to things - informal and formal and reminding them - without pressuring them! - that they are loved by their Dad, and by you, and the door will always be open.