Stressed about wedding FIL2B Probs - very long, sorry!

I can understand your frustrations, he seems like an unsighlty character - have you spoken to your OH about this? And what are his views? xx

What an awful-sounding man. You have my full sympathies!

However, please don't let him ruin your wedding. I can guarantee you will barely notice him on the day.

What does your OH feel about it all? It's HIS dad... did he stand up for you when P phoned to complain? Can you get OH to have a word?

You may have to put up with him for the wedding but at least you can rest safely knowing you won't have to see him very often.

Sorry it was a bad few days though - having suffered 'the inlaws from hell' previously I know what it's like.

WSS. What has your OH got to say?

Sorry to hear this, Panda, but what on earth was your OH doing during this time? Your FIL & his partner are your OH's problem first and foremost - he should be in charge of sorting out their lack of manners/any issues with you backing him up.

It seems my lovely OH is more concerned about upsetting Daddy than upsetting me. I have said that he will never stay under my roof again, OH's response was 'we'll see about that!' at which point I flipped my lid & told him that if he doesn't do something I won't marry him. Unfortunately OH actually seems to be scared of his father for some reason. Personally I feel the obnoxious, nasty little man should just be made to miss out on seeing his grandson grow up if that is how he feels about his grandson's mother!

Don't worry, it has!!!!! I am barely speaking to OH at the moment. I want him to uninvite his dad. At the moment he is refusing to. In which case I may be about to cancel a wedding because I am just so angry about this. Livid in fact!

He sounds dreadful! And I thought my FIL was bad!

I think when family have lived with it for years they get used to it and channel it out, where as we who dont deal with it too often notice and it annoys us. But as he's insulted you I would have hoped your OH said something to him?

I wouldnt have been able to keep my mouth shut for that long but I guess with a wedding coming up its better to keep the peace until thats over at least. You'll get through it - there will be enough people at your wedding to be able to get through it without having to speak to him and you will be so happy you wont even care!

xxx

WSS.

That is shocking, there must be something underlying there.

If I was that upset about someone in my house, irrelevant of who it was, Mr C would not allow them to come back.

WOW I would expect my H to back me up 100% with behaviour like that regardless of who it is. My MIL can do no wrong in my H's eyes but that takes it to a whole new level!

Good on you, Panda. You're not just his fiance (not that it means you should be treated with any less respect) but you are the mother of your OH's child.

I expect my husband to put me first, and if we have children, to put their welfare first and then me. If anyone was in our home making me feel uncomfortable I would expect my husband to deal with it appropriately and if he didn't then he'd have one opportunity to make it right. If he still wasn't prepared to then he wouldn't be the man I feel in love with. By the same token, if my family were treating my husband like that (assuming it's the same scenario as yours in that he'd not done anything wrong) I would back him to the hilt and let my family know that I wouldn't have my husband treated like that.

Your FIL's behaviour is an insult to both of you but out of your control. Your OH's actions, however, are linked to you and how much you put up with is up to you. It sounds like he needs to have a look at the basic fundamental rules of a relationship again. Good luck, Panda, sounds like you might need it.

Do you have a patio?

He sounds like a little $hit and if he ever came to my house again, I would just leave H2B and daddy to it and leave till they had gone. Totally out of order! I would be fuming and mad as hell. Also be really mad at OH for not backing me up. Its not good. Hopefully your OH won't turn out like his dad.

Dear god! What disgusting behaviour! Firstly well done you for not kicking him, the dogs and anything else unwanted he brought with him out!, secondly tell your OH to man up how can he possibly not see why you are upset, and thirdly please do not worry about your day, my friend got married a month ago she had a recent fall out with her FIL just before the wedding, to the point where at one point she considered not inviting him for fear of him spoiling her day, anyway she had the greatest day she didnt give him a second thought and I doubt you will either.

WSS - I don't think you can uninvite him to the weddign without causing a monumental blow up but you can certainly put your foot down about having them to stay. How dare he behave like that when he's a guest in your home. I'd have told him to do one.

I do think your OH should be backing you up here... it's his dad causing the problems and I'd expect Mr Kooks to side with me and have a serious word

Don't think I would have been able to keep my mouth shut if my fil2b did those things in my house. Which would probably have caused an argument, but at least everyone would have known where they stood. I would def move out if he came to stay again, then see how your h2b would cope with him on his own and realise how much you did for him this time.

As for your h2b, if he is that blind to what happened and can't accept what you're saying, then he obviously isn't the person you thought he was.

This is exactly how I think it should be. What hurts most is that OH sat there & listed to his father without fighting my corner for me. He is his dad, not mine therefore it should be up to OH to make P tow the line or ship out. P was repeatedly swearing in front of Seb who at 17 months old should not be hearing language like that at all. Whenever Seb cried, P started going on that he was a spoilt brat & needed to 'man up'! Um.... he's a baby! FFS!!! I really cannot believe what I have been subjected to over the last few days. I have done everything within my power to make sure they had a pleasant visit, worked my bottom off to get the house up to 'P's standards (a show home wouldn't be good enough), put up with an endless list of awful behaviour on his part & managed to bite my tongue through all that not wanting to cause a family rift or argument. My reward? To get thoroughly slated by P, made to feel like a housekeeper/slave & not a member or the family & to be completely humiliated by OH not supporting me against him. I think I need to have another serious chat with OH about all this because if he won't fight my corner on this one then I really don't see how I can marry him.

CB - no patio but a nice big decking area... Why?!

D'oh! Ok, I was being blonde there. I blame on lack of sleep over the last week due to P waking my son up night after night. I don't think I would want P's flesh contaminating my garden! If only he could come to the end of the island of jersey & just keep driving into the sea one day......!

Does your h2b know how serious an issue this is to you?

AJ - the ranting, tears & a bit of flouncing last night should have been a big enough give away, even to a miliatary man like my OH. Combined with me ranting about it at 4.45am to him when Seb got me up again. Followed by some more ranting this morning. Not that I'm uspet or anything!

I have just posted basically the same thing, my inlaws hate me, I get bullied by them and I'm at breaking point. I feel so much for you because my OH seems to do nothing for me about it and would be absolutely mortified if he was treated the same way

xx

I find it ridiculous that OH's seem to feel the need to stick up for their parents. When you get married, or agree to get married the most important person in your life is your OH. They are supposed to be your back up on everything. You stick up for each other when the In Laws are stepping over the line. Lord know's i've called out my parents for saying things that i felt weren't fair, and i'd expect my OH to do the same (although he is a bit of a mummy's boy, so he does struggle a bit) But he does try and he'll get there with standing up to his family eventually.

Why do people feel that because they are family they can get away with anything?

If Mr C's family ever spoke to me in such a way they would be told where to go and if Mr C didn't back me up as his wife then he would get the same response!

No words of wisdom really Panda just sympathy for having such an awful week. If this man makes a big fuss at your wedding (which i hope he won't) it is himself he is making a fool of not you. How often do you think he would stay? If it would be once in a blue moon i would put it aside in your head at the moment and deal with it in the future..hopefully in five or ten years you could just perhaps withstand a night!

As for your OH,i expect he is very embarressed about his dad,perhaps it has come out in a way it should not have and he should have backed you up but instead becomes defensive and try's to make him out to be not as bad as he is..because he is his father.

Very hard and not what you need at the minute with an already busy life and your wedding just round the corner.

No sound advice from me either I'm afraid, just sympathy as well and a reassurance that you're totally in the right.

Whilst you (unfortunately) probably can't uninvite him or stop him seeing your son/your son seeing him, I guess you don't have to have anything to do with him. If he ever stays again, I hope you won't be making such an effort again. In fact, if he ever stays again, I hope you show him your stables and he can get better acquainted with your horses - by staying there overnight!

Your OH should definitely back you up though. Even if he is embarrassed by his dad's behaviour (if he is), you're his future wife and mother of his child. They should all have more respect for you. My inlaws have been a bit odd towards me on a couple of occassions...nothing to your scale though ... and OH was embarrassed but soon put them right!

How did FIL2B's partner behave? Was she just as bad?

Dear lord you are a saint! the rat dogs would have been locked in a stable and not allowed in the house if they are not toilet trained! I would have cut the plug off the TV! and hidden the remote. I would have cooked his dinner and if he didn't like it he didn't have to eat it he could go out and buy his own! He is perfectly capable as a grown man to do the washing up if it bothered him that much! His partner should have helped with the tidying if it was her dogs making the mess!

Tell your OH to grow a pair!

Panda, your FIL2B, sounds like a horrible human being (sorry mr panda)!! I have 2 kids and a business and I relate to how horrible this situation must have been for you. I find it hard to believe that a grown man can act in such a childish way.

I am afraid if someone came into my house (no matter who it was) and acted in that way (especially the swearing in front of my kids!?) I would sling them out personally.

I don't know what else do add, I am pretty sure un-inviting him may cause major issues which will last forever. Maybe next time you could offer to put him up in a local hotel? because of your busy life, small children, business etc.

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the one losing the plot & no one else would stand for P's behaviour either! I have had a long chat with OH tonight. To start with, he is going to send P an email stating how unacceptable we found his behaviour, his lack of gratitude for everything I did for him, the nasty comments etc etc. He will be told that if he wants to come here again he will stay in a B&B down the road. He will only set foot over my front door when he will treat me with the respect & courtesy I deserve as his sons wife & the mother of his grandchild & only then to come for a couple of hours at a time or for a meal, not to stay. If they is any further repeat of his awful behaviour, he will be asked to leave in future.

With regards to the wedding, he is going to be told that although sat on the top table he is to not say anything out of turn, roll his eyes, raise his lip in the sneer that he does so well or generally put a foot wrong. He is to sit down, shut up & look like he is enjoying it. If we hear of anything being said, he will be out of the wedding altogether. He is to treat his ex-wife, OH's family, my family & most of all me with the respect that we all deserve. If he can't accept that & doesn't like it then he can stay away.

I am so relieved that OH has finally realised that if we are to work as a couple he MUST back me on this sort of thing. What I am asking is not unreasonable. Ironically, P's partner is the nicest, sweetest lady you could wish for & I really feel sorry for her putting up with his behaviour!

Yay go Mr Panda!! Glad he saw sense and stuck up for you x

A good result, pleased to hear it worked out in the end for you.

Unfortunately, sometimes a 'crisis situation' like this means that people are forced to confront something they've avoided for a number of years 'or else'. It's sad when it has to happen, but I believe that you'll both be stronger for it standing together dealing with the issue, and it may even help P to understand that he can't behave like that, again possibly because nobody's ever challenged him before for whatever reasons.

I am really pleased that your OH has seen sense on this one Panda. Hope that resolves the matter.