Tell me about your End Of The Line moments

Not quite the same, but going through this redundancy process made me realise how much work had taken over my life. Being made redundant made me suddenly question my identity if that makes sense. Mr W and I chatted on holiday, I ranted and cried a lot with my friends and finally had a really helpful conversation with my ex-boss. It made me realise that I am not what I do, but that I am me and my career is just a part of that. I've been through serious anger and feelings of depair in the last few weeks, but I now feel much more "sorted" and I won't ever let my work take over how I feel about myself again.

I hope you're OK - it sounds to me like you've made a sensible decision.

I could pretty much have written your post. I didn't know whether to reply as I'm not a seasoned hitcher by any means but I felt I had to as my situation is quite similar.

I hit my 'end of the line' the other week when I realised I was about to have a nervous breakdown and physically (and mentally) couldn't carry on. Prior to this I think I'd had mini 'end of line' moments whereby I'd realised some things had to change (but that I was actually ignoring the bigger picture if that makes sense?). I had started to cut people out of my life who were a drain and who put me under pressure to do things that I couldn't physically do for them (meeting for an odd drink or asking me for favours etc etc). It sounds harsh but I had to do it for my own sanity. I had also started to realise that I couldn't do everything and something had to give, I'm still in the midst of organising my life to make it more manageable for me but I am getting there but very, very slowly. I work for a small business (family unfortunately!) and because I'm in charge it's incredibly demanding and stressful 99% of the time which is (I believe) why I feel like I do. It's hard to explain to people that you really are so busy that you don't have the time to do x, y and z, I honestly think they think I'm lying.

After my realisation the other week that something major was wrong I went to my GP who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety (I thought I it was just stress), I was offered anti-depressants but have decided against taking them and am taking matters into my own hands. I honestly felt a million times better just knowing what was wrong with me and that actually I wasn't going mad after all.

The above probably doesn't really help you but I sort of wanted to explain I know how you feel. I'm sort of in the midst of trying to change things so can't help with what happens afterwards but I hope the outcome is good (for both of us).

Look after yourself.

Oh and yes I certainly think you can still be growing up at 35, I'm 32 and I definitely think this is all a learning curve in some way.

I have seen patients not come to this realisation until they're in their fifties, so you're doing well. I think you are a very ambitious person and it's great that you have the insight to appreciate that on the one hand you wish financial independence but on the other that your mental health will suffer if you seek that independence at any cost.

Can i recommend a book? "Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong" - Tim Cantopher - I read this when I suffered with stress/pregnancy related depression and it had a powerful effect on the way I looked at ambition/ workload/ mental health and I now recommend it to patients.

Clairy, it won't be a surprise to you when I say I know exactly where you're coming from.

I had a moment, only a few weeks ago, when I realised I was on the brink of taking on more work because.......well I don't know really. I'd done a couple of full weeks at work (as well as everything else - OU course, buckstop for two kids, organising Mr JK being on his own with Lexi whilst I took Ro to my parents in Crete) a few weeks earlier and nearly cracked completely, and I decided to stop and properly work out what the problem is.

I think I have it, for me at least. I know I never do anything absolutely brilliantly (especially being a Mum), and it's because I'm so sure none of the single things I do are really that valid that I try to win by sheer volume. But I finally realised that nothing is going to be done that well if I take on too much.

I'm a perverse perfectionist - I never try too hard in case because I can't be perfect (or even as good as I'd want to be) no matter how much effort I put in. To be a try-hard and still fail would be the ultimate humiliation <wry smile>.

Plus there's the realisation that not every single minute of the day has to be productive to be worthwhile. I'm the laziest cow in the world, but I'm swamped with guilt for every wasted moment. Thanks Dad. Parents, eh? Who'd have 'em?

Take a step back with me Clairy, and concentrate on doing things well and actually finishing things, and trying to enjoy it. Knickers to 'having it all'. It can't be done, I really think it can't. Something always has to give.

Oh God, I love Hitchers. I have laughed with recognition and been on the verge of tears with your sympathy and support - and it also feels good to know I am not a sandwich short of a picnic.

I especially recognise:

• overexplaining to other people how busy you are and them thinking you are lying
• doing a volume of things to make up for the fact that you don't feel as though you are doing any of them well (ESPECIALLY motherhood. Hell, I started a whole magazine and published it to 20,000 local people to make me feel better on that score ? It hasn't worked ?)
• feeling both lazy and guilty.

I wish I could be happy just working in Tescos and making sure everyone's tea was on the table at the end of the day, and the children did their home work.

<big group hug> to all that need it and thank you, thank you for your understanding. I am going to print this out and put it in my 'me' box for when I am feeling a bit wobbly. I always seem to think I am going to dissolve if I admit I can't cope with everything, it feels bloody fantastic when I don't ?

Rache: thank you, I have ordered that book.

Oh no Jess, don't panic, I would have told you all first if that was the case. I am taking someone on for 6 months to run the magazine whilst I have a break. And I have told the schools that I am working 2 - 3 days max, so ner.

I will still be writing for the magazine and having a big input into the editorial etc. It's just the boring stuff I am offloading ?

I think I'm getting to that point with my job. It just feels so relentless. I changed employers three years ago as I felt that I wasn't doing a 'proper' graduate job and so felt I hadn't validated my time time at uni. Some days I like my job, I enjoy finshing a task and stepping back and saying to myself "I did that, I'm proud of that". But then some urgent thing comes up and the timescales are so tight and I never feel I have enough staff to complete it to a high standard and I get far too stressed.

I had a not so positive visit from my regional director recently and that along with a couple of other things makes me feel that there is a big black mark against my name. Said boss questioned my passion for my job when speaking with my line manager and whilst this is upsetting I feel she has a point. I don't feel that I'm very good at my job. I don't delegate enough and dislike dealing with poor performance so perhaps I am in the wrong job. The travelling and long hours are taking their toll on my relationship and I just feel so tired all the time. The problem is that I have become accustomed to my salary, we're getting married in 4 months and my OH is going back to uni in September. Plus retail aint the place to be looking for a new job right now.

So bit of a ho hum, do I ride it out or do I jack it in and get a job in Tesco. I'm a bloody hard worker but perhaps not such a shit hot manager. I just cannot imagine doing this for another 35 years!

Oh Claire. ?

Still having part time work, the magazine bubbling away, motherhood and knitting ? is not the end of the absolute line and you have made the complete right decision. Not spreading yourself as thinly will mean you do everything as you want to. I look up to Claire, I think you are a very lovely person who works so hard to achieve your goals and that won't change, you will still be achieving so much as it's really not the hours you put in that counts in the bigger picture, it's your passion and your loveliness.

I've made the end of the line a few times, a smaller scale of course but every time I've felt so much better for doing it.

?

ETA, sorry, this made sense in my head. ?

I'm glad to hear this Clairy. After one of your posts last week I was a bit concerned about you, so glad to hear that you are looking after yourself more. I think shingles is a sign that you are too run down, at least in my experience.

I had an 'end of the line' realisation while writing up my PhD 8 years ago and ended up moving back home with my mum for a while. It seemed ridiculous at the age of 25, but it was just what I needed. Six months later I got a job, moved out again and started again, but now with more self-awareness of warning signs and when to give myself a break. It definitely was a change for the better.

Good luck with your changes.

Thank you everyone. And hopefully it'll mean I'll be a bit better organised too, Jess ?

And Mrs M, I could cry ? Thank you. I shall have a marvellous six month long knit-fest ?

Might be a long story (pull up a chair)

I grew up with a deep seated sense that whatever I did, however well I did it, I would never be good enough. I didn't realise that at the time, it was after all this had happened that I actually remembered all the comments I had from my parents all the time about how Emma had nicer handwriting, James beat me into first place when we had a teacher who had decided to rank us (because she was mad, presumably) and Alison got the lead role in the school play because she was thinner than me, despite me being a better singer... through to getting into the "wrong" university and, latterly, marrying the "wrong" man - oh, and not being glad that someone tried to rape me because "at least he found you attractive, you should be pleased".

Digression, but sets the scene. So, I had to do everything bigger and better. I wasn't only going to be a lone parent, I was going to be a bloody brilliant one AND finish my first degree, then move away from my home town on my own, do an MA and then train as a teacher - just to prove that I could. Then I wasn't just going to be an OK teacher, I was going to be a fantastic one, and the Head of Year who single handedly saved all the troubled children in my year group - whilst still being excellent lone parent etc etc.

I didn't feel well for a few years, on and off. I had bouts of depression, on and off, with associated self-harm and other joys.

Then, eventually, there was a Monday morning at school. After half term (when I'd started planning my wedding as well as deciding to do everything else just cos I could) and I was leaving the staff room to go and teach my bottom set year 10s. And I collapsed - I mean, my whole body just stopped working. The world went whirly whirly around my head, my heart was pounding, my chest was hurting but I couldn't move and I couldn't stand up.

That was at the end of October 2004. Between that and June 2005 I mostly stayed in bed, developing a hitched addiction I might add. With the curtains closed, because the light hurt. Having to check everything I typed or wrote because I'd forgotten how to spell. My family got used to me not being able to complete sentences without forgetting words, to me having to stop for a rest on the way up the stairs, to a trip out in the car being the activity high point of the day.

By July of 2005 I'd realised that, whatever I felt about teaching, it had given up on me. There was no way I'd be able to return to my career, at least in the short term. Everything changed; my perception of myself, my family's perception of me (my son has asked me to tell you "there were days I doubted there was anything wrong with you even though I knew there was, because it was just so weird and, well, nobody does that, just has to sit in a dark room for months").

The moral of the story, Clairy, is that I didn't listen to the warning signs and I thought there was always stuff that could be sorted out "later", like my health and my stress levels. In the end, my mind and body took an executive decision without me and forced me to change. The more I fought it, the more symptoms the ME threw at me until I got the message that it wasn't going to go away because it was bad timing, or it made me look unprofessional, or it left me financially dependent on my husband. It only went away when I started treating myself properly and got some perspective on life, and what is and isn't possible for me to do.

HTH.

PL ?

I really admire you you know. In all sorts of ways, but it kinda feels appropriate to say it now ?

Just wanted to say that I could have written this post (just not as eloquently).

Top the OP- I hope your decision brings you some relief and happiness. Nothing is worth ruining your health over x

?

I had an 'end of the line' moment in 2001. I was a single parent working a full time job 9-5, studying 3 nights a week and working in a pub at weekends. I was called into my daughter's school, she was 6 at the time. I was told she was self harming, this was a complete blow. She would bang her head or cut her knees on purpose to get attention from her (very lovely) teacher. I realised she was not getting the love and support she deserved, she was just being provided for. I was shouting at her far too much because I was so tired and stressed. There were days when I just couldn't wait until it was bedtime so I didn't have to continue to pretend to be interested in her day, I just wanted to get my assignments done and was telling myself it was all for her future.

I quit everything but the pub job as she used to visit her dad's at weekends and was on the brink of a breakdown myself i just didn't realise it at the time. It took a couple of years to get back to full time work but mine and my daughter's wellbeing had to come first.

Yup, Winkle & Cha-cha, it's funny what losing your work identity does to/for you!

I don't think I can function without some kind of professional identity. But at least now I know I have a superhero complex and I need to be needed/admired! ? I don't cope well with rejection, including my job "rejecting" me through illness, so I've learned that about myself.

It all means a few things for my future, I suppose that's what I should have put on the bottom of my long post. I can't go back to teaching, because the nature of it just isn't sustainable for me; the boom/bust cycle of frantic working then sleeping 18 hours a day in the holidays isn't something I can do. But I also know I can't do a job which involves me having to sell myself. I just can't. The pressure it puts on me is intolerable, running the risk of rejection all the time. So, oddly, I think I'll do better in high pressure public sector work where you are always in demand ?

I'm glad the ME came along and told me a few home truths, but I'd sooner it had just written me a letter or something rather than doing all the unpleasant things it did!

I think I am about to reach the end of the line, tbh. I possibly have to make a decison to do something I really don't want to. I don't know if I can do it and I don't know what happens if I can't. Argh. All very depressing.

L
xx

L, that was me last week. Hang on in there and think laterally.

I've had a few in my lifetime!

First one was when my ex husband had been taking drugs, staying out all night, having an affair and I put up with it all for the sake of the kids.

Then one day he appeared at my work and began shouting at me in front of everyone= END OF THE LINE !!

Recently, I created some characters, spent months becoming each of them to get them all right, sent my synopsis and sketches off the a very well know producer, who held onto said project for 3 months. I didnt ask them to sign an Non disclosure as I didnt know about this at that time, and the next thing they are telling me sorry but no go.

A couple of months later I read that they are in the very early stages of production with a new idea (MINE!!).I was totally destroyed and went to see an entertainments lawyer and his advice makde feel like I was at the end of the line!

All sorted now, they ditched the idea etc. But at the time, very shitty stuff.

Hope you get yourself sorted Clairy ?

i

I'm sort of going through this at the moment. I had a throat infection which has resulted in post-viral fatigue and have been off work for 4 months so far. As much as I realise that the infection may be a cause, I have had to do a lot of soul searching as I do feel my lifestyle has been a huge factor in the complete crash and burn that has happened.

I have always felt second best to my sister or brother, my mum is uber critical (even now) about choices (she calls it playing devils advocate - sometimes you just want someone to listen, not offer comment if that makes sense?) and have never quite shaken the feeling that I am just not good enough. All my life I was told I would go to Uni. So, I rebelled and I basically decided not to go to uni and pulled out of the UCAS system without telling my parents. I don't think my mother has ever forgiven that. And whilst I don't regret the decision, I also think that this has been a huge factor in the way I work as I feel I need to prove myself to my mother (why I feel this I have no idea!). I work all the time (well until 4 months ago). I push myself to do everything, I don't delegate very well. Over the last 2 years I have been given more responsibility but not had the support upwards so I have pretty much stretched myself very thinly. I have made myself available 24/7 whilst also work shifts. I have thought nothing of staying an extra 2 hours to finish something off and then bringing that home to do further work on. Pretty much working from 8am til gone 10 more nights than not (plus weekends, days when on nights and vice versa).

4 months ago I crashed. Lost my voice for about a week but still went into work. Then I collapsed, started getting really bad shaking episodes, a constant headache, just felt so heavy - like my limbs had all fallen asleep. Some days I would wake up feeling like I had been drinking all night long and had the worst hangover ever. I still kept an eye on my blackberry though, answering a few emails, do a little bit of work. I promptly stopped that when my doctor signed me off for a month to begin with. I hadn't even considered in a million years that I would be off work that long. I finally thought maybe I should stop for a while. So, I did. Blackberry has been turned off for 3 or so months and I feel so much more liberated. I have really used this time to properly consider my whole work/life balance as frankly it was rubbish. It took over for too long, I cannot let that happen again.

I am still struggling with the fact that I have very clear limits at the moment. I know when I have done too much (which some days is just getting up) as I will crash (although not quite as bad as to begin with). Getting the balance right is bloody hard! lol. I am finally listening to me though rather than what I think work want, or what I think work needs..

I've forgotton what I was trying to say now (bloody rambling!)..

That being said, my mother doesn't really understand what I am going through right now and I swear she thinks I am just being lazy! I wish.. However, I actually don't care what my mother thinks (this is a huge achievement for me!) at the moment.

I really hope you get everything sorted out Clairy. There is nothing worse than that end of the line feeling. xx

I know how you feel, I really do. The past twelve months has taken its toll on me, physically and emotionally. Gah. Today, for example, I feel like I am about to hawk my insides up and my heart is racing with stress.

I'm glad you've been able to take some time out, Clairy. You sure deserve it! ?

Clairy ?. i think end of the line moments are actually the most useful. sometimes you need to hit the bottom to find a better way back up.

mine was a sunday in june 2006. just realised that it's been exactly three years ?. ***, can't quite believe how far I've come.

anyway, seven years of illness culminated in me spilling all on here and the next morning i was in the doctors, signed off work and heading for treatment. awful at the time but i'm grateful for it now, my life is ten trillion times better than i ever thought it could be.

I so get what you mean when you say that is a huge achievement, spot. I have just started seeing a psychotherapist and I am starting to make sense of what I felt was crazy behaviour before. My mother's solution for getting me out of my many depression slumps is to grit your teeth and push on through it - especially with the housework. I have given up with that now, and funnily it's only now I've given up on it that I find myself spontaneously tidying up a little bit here and doing the odd few pots there. Housework became such a battleground between me and my mum that it was actually a contributing factor to the downfall of my marriage!

I'm not there yet with no caring what she thinks, but I'm getting there, and I know that will actually be a big breakthrough in terms of not continually pushing myself to the limit. At the moment I have a part time paid job, a part time unpaid job, I'm in the process of setting up my own (sort of franchise) business, and I have two children that I care for 6 days and 3/4 nights a week, as well as dealing with a lot of emotions from my separation and impending divorce, plus learning how to be in a new relationship. I know I can't keep this up, but I'm not sure what to be cutting out!!

It seems a bit silly but I wanted to thank you for posting the bit I've quoted - it made me feel like I'm not the only one struggling with this ?

Well I must say I wonder how youve managed to juggle so many things and basically still be breathing! I think your decision is a good one, as long as you dont slip back into it and you need to keep up not being to demanding and hard on yourself and efforts.

My 'end of the line' moment was about 18 months ago, I was super stressed out in the job I had, with a manager that micro managed everything, yet did feck all herself, a member of staff that also did feck all and got away with murder cos he had different terms and conditions (get this they both got promoted!) The job I turned to hating, I was depressed, had a mother in law that didnt think Id ever be good enough for her boy and basically said she wanted to split us up cos I was a selfish ***. I ended up one day aimlessly wandering around the supermarket with a pack of lamb chops in my hand, sobbing my eyes out cos Mr WT said he didnt want chops for dinner. Figure that one out!

I honestly thought that it would never get better. I was lucky, I had counselling which was marvellous, I managed to escape the job and go to something I love, I culled the monster in law and basically my life took a U turn, everything got better and I pulled through. SOmetimes you have to get to breaking point to take stock, sit back and sort things out. It worked for me.

You lot are all fecking amazing, you really are.

Clairy, I really hope you get the break you deserve.

HL - it seems to me you have been stretched silly for as long as I remember you on Hitched. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.

I hit the end of the line with my Phd - it was lucky that it all came to a head, out of my hands, when it did. I thought I was dealing really well with what was a ridiculous situation but a good mate said she thought I was days from completely losing the plot. I suspect she was right.

Of course, being me, I stupidly didn't tell my nearest and dearest about all the problems until I had no choice so I had to deal with their shock and worry as well as my own grief.

I think it's completely shattered my confidence on career-based stuff and I totally get what JK said about fear of failing preventing you trying. That is me to a T.

I don't know, my three bestest mates tell me I am the sane one, I'm certainly the only one without a history of completely earthshattering depression, but you know, I don't think being this secretive about certain aspects of my life is healthy. Denial ain't just a place in Egypt. ?

Hi,

just another story to add really. i hit the end of the line about 3 months ago.

i've been in this job for just over two years now. i knew from the first week that i would hate it, genuinely hate it. i knew straight off my boss was a loon. but S and i had moved 200 miles to get more experience, and just try something new. we hoped it would be the start of a new and exciting life. so when i knew that my job was going to be awful, i felt i couldn't "give up" on it - that would be failing. so i struggled on, and it really has been a struggle. my boss is very, very difficult to work for and with - micro managing to the extreme, undermines anything that is done, and is so critical that my self confidence has just collapsed. and i know that she has done exactly the same to my two colleagues. but i couldn't tell anyone higher up - that would be failing/showing weakness, wouldn't it? S knows how bad it is, i don't think he believed me at first but certainly over the last 6-8 months he's understood more. my parents also dismissed it as me whinging but i think they began to understand.

i've come home in tears more times than i care to remember. in the last few weeks i've had to photocopy and scan things for the boss, despite us having an admin girl available full time. any piece of work i do is criticised and re-written more than is necessary - there's just a wee touch of control freakery about her tbh. just this morning i had a bollicking because i didn't have the answers to questions she was asking me - despite me having told her yesterday evening that i didn't have the answers. last thursday she told my colleague and i that we had to go on a site visit, and when we couldn't because a) we didn't have the right safety gear with us and b) the site was inaccesible due to rain anyway, she gave out to us for not having the right equipment. we didn't know we were expected to go out on site until she mentioned it out of the blue. i know i'm "letting" her act this way, but i can't make her stop, this is how she is. i can only control how i react to her - and at the moment i'm not coping, and haven't been for a good year now.

anyhoo, to get to the point. S was made redundant 3 months ago - completely out of the blue. the day it was announced, we walked around the city centre for about half an hour in a daze. i went back to the office as he had to meet up with his bosses again for more information, and i went to the toilet and quietly sobbed. i kept thinking that this couldn't be my life. it couldn't be what i wanted - working in a job i hated, in a city i hated, with S unemployed and no prospects. i came out, back to my desk, my boss could see i was upset and wonderfully said i could have the afternoon off. and then told me i was to go out on a site visit to wales the next day. great.

it's been tough - i've not had any sort of collapse. but i thought i was having a series of asthma attacks because my breathing/lungs just felt so constricted. went to the doctors and he said it was stress. it helped being told that what i was feeling was normal. i got some advice from here about herbal remedies (the dr recommended going herbal rather than medication) which have helped. it's been tough - i've been supporting S while he copes with the fall out of the redundancy, as well as other things. sometimes i just feel like packing our bags and running away. from everything. i've even calculated how much money we have and where we could go with it.

anyway. things are turning round. we talked a lot about what would need to change in order for us to be happy. and moving back home is one of the things that we know would - close to friends and family and away from this city. so we've been making a massive effort to make this happen. S was offered a job last wednesday, and i've a job interview on monday. i will be handing in my notice on tuesday and i can't wait.

um.

i've babbled. but anyway, i suppose i've hit the end of the line. and i know that if i stayed here any longer, in this situation, i'd get into a worrying state. i know that i'd end up having some form of break down or collapse. but we've tried hard now to make changes and hopefully it's going to work out.

anyway, i hope that this break gives you breathing space to figure out what is the best route forward in the future. ?

x

Oh TB, you poor sod. Having worked fora micro-managing control freak (see Phd tale), I can really sympathise.

Onwards and upwards and good luck with the move etc. And enjoy resigning!

What is it with these micro-managers? Its bloody awful how someone like that can affect people in such terrible ways making people so miserable, stressed out, ill, undermined and left with shattered confidence.

xx to all those who have suffered or continue to suffer micro managers, they should all be shot

? zebra.

i am fantasising about the resignation. i'm going to be sweetness and professional but inside i'll be saying "screw you, sh!tehawk, and stick your job up your jumper".

the hardest part for me was telling people - denial denial denial was the way i went about it. that and everything being "fine". i suppose when i finally told people it was out the blue, going from "fine" to "sh!te" in seconds, so maybe it wasn't automatically believable. och, i don't know. just glad the end is nigh really.

Clairy, i'm really glad that you've posted this on lots of levels but most of all for you. I think it's brilliant and admirable that you've recognised that you want things to change for you to be happy and healthy. It definitely sounds as if something had to give and you have to look after your health, you really do.

End of the line moments - well I seem to surge through my life from one to the next. But yes, I recognise lots of what you've all said.

I think most of my end of lines have worked out ultimately positive. certainly my life has been completely altered by them - whether it was getting ME at 16 which meant that I didn't travel and didn't do the degree I was going to do (languages) which meant that I ended up not being that interpreter in Geneva that I'd planned to be ?

although it really was my career that had to give with me on many of them and I'm slightly frustrated that I was doing better in 2003 both financially and job satisfaction wise than I am now. But them's the breaks and sadly I don't think it's possible for me to have it all in the job I was doing - I have instead concentrated on family life.

I've had a few EOL moments there too - one being the fact that I believe my marriage would have crumbled had I not been unfairly dismissed from my favourite ever job - and another when I realised that I had post natal depression and got some help.

I do think these moments are healthy on the whole - so much better to step off the treadmill and look after oneself than to end up breaking down.

Failing to get a job that I recently applied for has led to a wholesale top-to-bottom rethink of what I'm doing, because in many ways I'm in a similar position to JK – at any given moment I'll be working on loads of projects (though in my case I generally have to finish them, what with bosses/clients expecting this as a basic condition), and for at least the last eighteen months I'm acutely conscious that I've been spread much too thinly.

This reached a crisis point in February, when my schedule was so insane (I was doing close to two full-time jobs because my boss's original calculations that there'd be a huge overlap were wildly over-optimistic – and that's not counting a substantial and increasing amount of freelance work) that I nearly walked away there and then. Which wouldn't have been especially sensible in the current climate given that I'm virtually unemployable elsewhere.

So when this job came up (I'd known about it for some time before it was advertised), my original plan was to jump ship, abandon most of my existing commitments and move to a different, much more structured department. But I'm actually not convinced that would have helped much – not least because I'd have lost a lot of flexibility and would be far more dependent on the schedules and goodwill of other people. So I'm actually not at all miffed that I didn't get it.

Especially as I discovered earlier this week that my departmental head is lobbying for the creation of a specialist post that would fit my skills and experience like the proverbial glove – and it won't be advertised until next year at the absolute earliest. Which gives me the luxury of months of gradual delving into areas I don't yet know that well rather than the usual week of panicked cramming, and even if I don't get it (or indeed if the job isn't created in the first place) I'll still be left with something worthwhile – I'm already recognised enough to get regular freebie holidays invited to speak at international conferences, and reinforcing that reputation's hardly going to hurt.

So I absolutely agree with Clairy – these lifestyle spring-cleans are hugely worthwhile, as you almost always end up happier even if you have to make sacrifices along the way.

Just to reiterate WEES, but you are so brave to be putting yourself first like this for a change - good for you. I hope you find it completely liberating once the hard parts are over.

I had a simillar EOL moment in my last job. I'd spent several years climbing up the ladder for bad pay and no/little chance of promotion - even working unpaid at some points. I was being bullied by my colleagues and had had my chance of bigger projects taken away because other people thought it was unfair (even though I was more senior). Anyway I kept taking the fall for someone else's mistakes and finally, one friday just after Xmas it all came to a head.

I went home and suddenly though - `You know what, it's just a job, it's not all of me - screw it - I am taking control of my life back from my employers!`

And it was the most unbelievabley liberating feeling ever.

I hope things work out really well for you - well done on making a decision

x

You're all fab and, like the best of Hitched threads, this has made me feel sad and happy and reassured in equal measure.

I think it's very easy to assume that everyone else is living the perfect life when, actually, we're all the same deep down. It's also very reassuring to hear that not only have people got through it but actually you feel that, on the whole, it has improved your lives and sense of self awareness.

I think the recession has been a huge reason to spring clean. Some people have been affected literally but, for me, it's been a chance to tune into the changing values and reconsider who I am now. I have been impacted by the general lack of money, and it's threatening my business, but it's not like being made redundant, is it? I guess the complicated reality is that I am a lot of different complimentary and contradictory things all at once, it's just that at different times of my life different parts have been most dominant.

I do wonder whether we'll look at the likes of The Apprentice and Dragon's Den in years to come and guffaw down our sleeves like we did to 80s Yuppies, and Canary Wharf in the early 1900s.

MrsB - I completely relate to the 2003 deadline. I loved my work then, it was very well paid and I felt as though I had status. My family has put pay to that, but I love them and wouldn't be without them for the world. I turned down the opportunity of a life changing job (I think I told you about it at the time?) I love them so much it hurts, but it's no way near the happy-ever-after that I expected it would be, at least some of the time ? It's very bittersweet. There are very few places I can admit that, other than on here.

They say you'll never lie in your bed and wish you'd had more days in the office, don't they? But then again I may well wish I had more days to be completely selfish ?

I have my first counselling session in half an hour and I am nervous.