the inlaws called -updated

<crash> - were you able to do the diving on holiday?

I was meaning to thank you for all your advice (but you were away when we got back). Yes we did learn to dive!!! And it was brilliant!!! Loved it and got totally carried away with it. We still need to do 2 open water dives to get our full open water padi certification (hoping to do that next month). It was a rather adventurous first diving experience: horrible visibility, only a few feet, I managed to get rope burn from the guide rope, MrNeo got stung by a jelly fish, one of our fellow students got all panicy and nearly broke my wrist, MrNeo had to calm him down which he did quite well and later on we had to swim 300 metres, that same fellow student got out of breath nearly halfway through and as we were the only ones nearby at the time, we had to use the emergency signal to get the boat to come get him (he was shouting and kicking, lost his mask and snorkel in his panic). We ca't wait to do more diving and are already looking into what specialities we want to do. Our teacher was very impressed with us ?

Just read this post and the last one and to be honest I think life is too short - they are clearly trying to get in touch, why not just phone them and take it from there?

Fantastic! So pleased you were able to get it done. Sounds like you have been well & truly bitten by the bug. And well done for staying calm with the panicky person.

Sorry - can't offer advice on the family stuff though.

I don't want to phone them, I have nothing to say to them.

They just called again and MrNeo picked up (I wasn't in the room), they asked to speak to me and he said that it was the middle of a work day and they we were busy working. He told him to maybe send an email. FIL said emails are things you send to people you don't know and it's too unpersonal. MrNeo disagreed and said it would probably be the best way. That was the end of the conversation

Neo, clearly I don't know what's gone on between you all, but having read yesterday's post and now this one it appears they can't do right for doing wrong. You wanted them to make the first move with regards to contact and now they have you won't accept the olive branch.

I really think the ball is in your court now, it must have taken a lot for them to call you if things are as bad as you say.

I agree with HH. You asked on the other thread how do family feuds get resolved? Well clearly they'll never be resolved in one side or both sides hang up the phone whenever an attempt at contact is made. They may be ringing to make a whole hearted apology to you (of course I don't really know all that went on before). You'll never know if you never speak to them. For what it's worth I agree that email is a very impersonal way to speak to a family member, especially when emotions and feelings are invloved as any sincerity in tone is lost. Give them a chance eh?

I'm afraid I have to agree. What exactly do you want from them? Wouldn't it be better for everyone concerned if you could just move on and put away long-harboured resentments, which will only eat away at you if you don't? Life really is too short. It's not like you have to live in their pockets, after all.

I know, I just don't believe they are capable of a real olive branch. I keep feeling it will never be genuine. The main reason I don't get along with them is because they are hypocrites and after all these years I really don't see how things would be different this time.

Probably it's also because of how I currently feel about them, there isn't a single part of me that feels anything even remotely nice towards them. MrNeo and I always thought it was upto them to make the first step but I've never managed to work out what I'd want to do when that happens. I think that I probably want to slam the door shut in their face like they did with me and not react for a few years. I realise this is incredibly petty of me but as I mentioned, not a single bone in my body has anything good towards them. I wish I could be the better person, but even if I was, we are so incompatible that I don't see how it ever can work out and even if it did for a while, it would inevitably go sour after some time and probably explode even worse than now.

Give them and yourself a chance. We are all human...who knows it might just work out better this time.

Be hopeful and be kind.

Tis the season and blah blah...

Be magnanimous, gift them something. try out these disount vouchers http://www.myvouchercodes.co.uk/printable-vouchers

Well then you have two choices. You can either accept the olive branch regardless of whether you think it's genuine or not, or you can tell them that things will never be resolved and you don't wish to reconcile with them.

What you can't do is leave them hanging in limbo under some false impression that when they make the first move things will start to be resolved. That's not fair on anyone.

NSG, it sounds very much as if you don't want to resolve this. Which is fine - I assume you have very good reasons for feeling like this. But from your previous post, it seemed that you wanted your in-laws to get in touch, to make the first move. It looks as though they're trying now, but you don't want to talk to them.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself and MrNSG - if you can't bring yourself to talk to them, to listen to what they have to say, then things won't improve and you both need to accept this.

I speak from experience, I had a big falling out with my inlaws almost 3 years ago, and I won't ever speak to my MIL again (I would with FIL, if MIL was out of the picture). I've had to be honest with MrC and explain that while I'll support him 100% if he wants to see/speak to them (at the moment, he doesn't), I can't do the same.

Would you ever bog off with your voucher codes. How crass are you.

Just speak with them, don't visit right away.

Get back to talking terms onthe phone, then see how it goes.

Yes, i always find that in the aftermath of a long running row, that a 10% discount voucher for dorothy perkins really does go a long way to making everyone have a group hug

I guess that with regard to them making the first move, it is curiosity on my part. I've always wondered if they would make a move and what it would be. But as you say, I don't really want to resolve this as I think it's a futile effort. We've had many occassions in the past where we said we'd leave things behind us and have a fresh start, but whenever a new argument came they always dragged the old stuff out too.

I realise the ball is pretty much in my court now and know HHH is making perfect sense about not leaving them in limbo. But the evil side of me wants to do exactly that. I am so terrible at this and I really appreciate all the common sense replies I'm getting from you all. I just don't see it happening though.

Part of me is now wanting to pick up the phone and call them to just ask what they wanted to say. I wouldn't want to reply, I'd want some time to get my thoughts together on whatever it is they want to say and come up with a reasonable response (ok, maybe not necessarily a reasonable one, but one that we could live with).

I hate this! I should be working and all I can think of now is them

What harm can it do to speak to them? If you listen to what they have to say and you still don't want to be in touch with them then you can tell them that. You could always hang up the phone if the conversation went 'bad'. To have called back several times indicates that they really do want to speak to you, and it's unlikely they were calling to have another go at you given you've had no contact for so long.

At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right for you and Mr NSG. Good luck.

So call them. see what they want. then say you want time to think about how to respond and you ll get back to them. if you dont go back after thinknig about it, then you dont.

Ok, so feeling it's futile and not wishing to continue any attempt at reconcilation is one thing and understandale. Indulging your 'evil side' and perpetuating the issues for the sake of it is, as I'm sure you know, pointless, hurtful and wrong. Either go your own ways or seek ways to make it work.

makes sense and probably a good idea however much I'd dread to do it. Will talk it over with MrNeo.

So, did you talk to them last night?

No not yet. Had to go out last night, got a a client over today for training all day. might try on Sunday or Monday

Youre not going to call.

Of course she's not. It's a shame she can't be clear with herself and her husband (and her in-laws) about that though.

i think thats a bit unfair tbh cran

its her choice after all, and if she s decided that she doesnt want to know then thats fair enough. in an ideal world it would be better to tell them, yes, but really, its not for us to take the moral high ground when we cant know the nuances of the situation.

Do you have speaker phone? talk to them on that with mrNeo there so at least if anything horrid is said he can hear it and he can hear them first hand not from your after you hang up when you are potentially quite nervy and maybe don't remember every detail

As other people have said life is too short, it's only a phonecall (I know that's a huge step for you but) try to keep it in perspective

Do you? I disagree. In NSG's original post, she talked about how her in-laws needed to make the first move. Then when they do, she hangs up on them and now won't speak to them. I feel sorry for her husband who, she said in her original post, wants this resolved one way or another and is stuck in the middle. It seemed from her original post that he thought if his parents made the first move, things may be resolved. Whether she intends to call them or not is, of course, her choice. But I do think she needs to be honest with her husband about whether she ever wants to help to resolve this or not.

Of course we don't know the nuances of the situation - can we ever know the nuances of any situation beyond our own - but she posted here, so therefore I think we're entitled to comment.

There is no moral high ground. I couldn't bear to speak to my in-laws either, but my husband knows this. I just feel that NSG needs to be honest with herself and those around her about how she feels.

yes I am. talked it over with MrNeo yesterday and we agree it's probably the best option to give them a return call, see what they have to say and makeour decission based on that. Yesterday was just not the right time as we were preparing the training that we are giving today. Now we're in the middle of that (just have a few minutes break) and it will probably go on till late in the evening. By that time we'll be shattered. Tomorrow we're preparing for a wedding on Saturday and driving down that night. Saturday we'll be filming from morning until late night and have to drive back home in the middle of the night. If we're not too tired on Sunday and feel up to it, we'll call then. Otherwise it will be on Monday.

So after nearly 5 years, those 3 or 4 days are hardly gonna make a difference. I said I'd call, so I will.

Tbh, my saying youre not going to was a lame attempt at reverse psychology ?

cran, yes, ok, point taken. thats fair enough i think.

I did not hang up on them, I passed the phone to MrNeo without any reply assuming they were calling for him anyway, he hung up on them.

Also, always have been more than honest with him about how and what I feel and what I think about it all and what the most likely outcomes are from my point of view.

ETA: also still not actually intending to talk to them/have a conversation. I first want to hear what they have to say and come up with a response in my time (if there will be a response)

Good luck with the call, NSG. I hope it's not too daunting for you. I'd be sick if I had to speak to my MIL.

ok, lol ?

no I really mean it, I will return the call and give them a chance. It's just that it is quite emotionally draining to deal with them and I'd rather do it at a time that I can properly focus and am not tired or preoccupied with work.