the inlaws called -updated

I know exactly how you feel, the thought of seeing/hearing them makes me sick too (and it also makes me rather violent actually). I do not intend to really speak all that much, just say something along the lines of "tell me what you want to tell me" and avoid going into a conversation at this point as I know that it will not improve anything. I want the time to come up a well thought out response, whether that'd be a conversation or complete radio silence on my part.

Update in first post

You seem to have SUCH a negative approach to this. Do you know what I would do - make the effort to start again with an open mind. Not 'this is what they did before' or 'they should be like xyz'. Just start again and forget being 'in the right' or 'correct' - just be friendly and pleasant.

But maybe my opinion is skewed by the fact I have never culled anyone - sadly I have lost enough people in my life through tragic circumstances and I just think that life is too short for things like this.

I've read your update and to me it seems like you are reading a lot into what is a short email. i know, there's background and history. but if there is going to be any contact in the future, you're going to have to make a compromise. and that might mean that you actually respond to their email in a similarly concise way.

you seem a little bewildered that they haven't sent you a long, drawn out and overly sensitive email (because that is what you were expecting) but maybe they are trying hard to have the sort of relationship with you that they think you want IYSWIM. you mentioned before about your behaviour being "correct" with them, although not overly sociable. perhaps they are now trying to be "correct" with you rather than the way they were before.

the way it looks to me is that they've made the first move - they phoned you and have now emailed you. it's up to you really.

Blimey, what an odd email. It's as if they are saying 'ok, you've made your point, now stop ignoring us and move on'. Obviously I don't know what has gone on, but it sounds like they have treated you as if you are a child having a tantrum and don't want to get into discussing the reason for the lack of contact in the first place - like they just want to forget it iyswim.

I think you should email them back, saying that you are not happy with the situation either, and what steps do they think they/you all should take to resolve the original conflict. I don't think you can really just suddenly start acting as if nothing has happened after all this time (which the email seems to imply to me), since whatever happened was big enough to warrant the lack of communication between you all.

As I said before, good luck!

nf

Obviously I do't know both sides of the story, but looking at it from here it seems like you are being bloody ridiculous, and unfair to MrNeo. I think you need to grow up, stop playing games and accept that on the occasions when you do see them, you'll make an effort to be civil.

I think you need to perhaps try and start again with a blank slate unless they have done something very very terrible to you?? I'm also of the 'life's too short to hold grudges' camp so i'd have to give them a 2nd chance and if they blew it again then considering maybe culling?

Just wondering if you and Mr NSG are ever planning on having a family of your own Mrs NSG? Whilst a stand off is one thing when it is just you and the in-laws, it is a whole different matter if children are to become involved. I would say if you are planning children to try and resolve things one way or another now, else it could get rather more complicated.

C-L

WSS

I wasn't going to post on this, but I might as well stick my penny's worth in. I agree with other posters on here that you have a very, very negative attitude and keep going on about the past. If a family rift is to be "healed" and by that, I mean that civil relations are adopted, then you need to stop with the violent knee-jerk reactions and reading negativity into everything that's said/done. To me it seems like they are maybe realising that life is too short and that the time has come to put things aside and to calm things down.

You appear to have the attitude that you want things to be "mended" in one breath and in the next, you can't see how it can be done and they can't do right for doing wrong. You are the only one who can control your thoughts and your attitude and I think it's about time that you did so and stop using Mr Neo as a shield for your inability to control yourself.

Yes, family rifts can and do go on for years, but only if both parties keep it up - things can be made a little better by co-operation between both the parties. Lots of people dislike/hate their inlaws, and that's down to them - but you are the one who has posted on here in a wistful tone about rifts being healed and can they ever be? You are the one who has the answer to that......

WSS, I don't like my inlaws either (thankfully Mr P doesn't like them much either) but I am always civil to them as they are his parents and anything less that civil would be incredibly inconsiderate to him.

I have a certain amount of experience of family feuds - I fell out with mine when I was 16 and next saw my mother when i was 26. That was my move. And tbh, it wasn't because I wanted everything resolved - it was because I wanted to be in an easier all round position.

Who we are (mainly my mother and I) is simply not going to change. Doesn't really matter what went on - it would all seem petty in b&w anyway. But there weren't only 2 options: feud or full reconciliation. There was a 3rd option - liveable middle ground.

That middle ground means that my sister was able to have me at her wedding without feeling awkward. And that I was able to go to my grandmother's funeral. And that I didn't have to inflict an unintended hurt by not having them at my own wedding, or letting them hear on grapevine about my pregnancy.

My situation now is that I might call them once a year - if ever. But generally I rely on the occasional family gathering. But I don't put any pressure on myself to make those long occasions.

I don't enjoy the new limited contact I have... but what I do enjoy, is no (well, not much) awkwardness for my siblings and not feeling sh*t about having no contact. This might sound awful... but part of it was driven by them getting older and me thinking how awful I'd feel if they died and I'd never bothered. All very selfish.

I'm not interested in 'sorting it all out' - because we'd need full on personality changes for that - it's sad, but it's the way it is. But it ticks along reasonably well now.

Translated to your position... I would say that means making small talk on the phone now, and calling in (for an hour - maybe you could pick MrNeo up and stay for end of visit?) when over in Belgium over the new year. Forget reconciliation. OK, so you don't like them - it's not the end of the world to make small talk once or twice a year - is it?

It's not ideal, but it means MrNeo might feel more comfortable, and you take away the BIG 'we don't talk' thing. You don't have to kiss and make up everything.

May not suit you... but it works for me, and as I say - I have a bit of experience of feuding ?

Absolutely agree with Fimble and Sophie. How old are you, 12? I really think it's time now to be a big girl and suck it up, at least for the sake of your poor husband.

Obviously, we don't know all the ins and outs, and the nuances of the relationship (or lack of) with your in-laws. But it feels to me like you might be reading too much into what is a pretty short, inoffensive email. Of course, it's hard to forget what's been said and done in the past, but I too, subscribe to the 'life's too short' school of thought. Can you not, for the sake of Mr N, give it another go? Stretch out an olive branch and see what happens? It may lead nowhere, but it might just enable you all to at least get on just a little bit better than you have done in the past? Isn't it just worthy trying again - what's the worst that can happen? You end up back at square 1 again .... but at least you won't have lost anything by trying. And you might find things turn out a whole deal better .....

WTS

No one is saying you have to become best friends or even like them but just tolerate them, be civil and make an effort, even if only for the sake of MrNSG.

I agree with Fimble, Sophie et al.

I really can't see how the email you've copied in any way says what you're reading into it, I'm afraid. IMO, the jist of it is that you don't want contact with them, regardless of what they do or do not do. And as a result you're trying to come up with all possible justifications for not continuing contact. They can't do right by you for doing wrong - every time you get what you want, you come up with something else that you wanted that they haven't said that you 'need' to hear before you can make contact.

If you don't want contact, tell your husband that and tell your PIL that. But stop being unfair by giving people hope that you're willing to consider something when actually, you're not.

I agree with SophieM. I'm not sure how you and nutfluff have read so much in the e-mail.

WSS, I have had similar experiences with my own family and short bursts of small talk is the way to go!!! I also have great difficulty with my MIL but I always try and be civil and welcoming just for my H's and sons sake. You have got to meet them halfway. Good luck with it all, i know its difficult, believe me there has been times when I have felt sick at the sight of my MIL but the old saying goes you can choose your friends....

I m not sure why the majority are being so harsh. if NS thinks this is them being difficult, she s well within her rights to leave them to it. she doesnt have to do anything for "the sake of mr neo", thats irrelevant.

under the circs i d ignore it and leave them to it. they sound like a total PITA to me.

I would agree with NickJ about people being harsh and just leaving them alone EXCEPT thatyou seem to want some kind of reconciliation.

Even if, as MG said, it's only a truce so that you don't have to feel bad about the situation.

If you do want to be on civil terms then you have to take what they said as being a genuine attempt to mend bridges and put your reservations to one side. You need to interpret whatever they say as being meant in a positive manner, owever much you think you can read into what they are saying, at least until there's some conclusive evidence otherwise.

If you can't do that or won't do that then you and your H need to agree that there won't be any reconciliation and let his folks know where they stand.

I agree with marinegirl and nickj. i'd speak to your h (sure you have done anyway) and think about what you want to achieve from being in contact with them again, then see if that goal is workable when you contact them. don't beat yourself up too much. i don't speak to my dad or his side of the family for reasons too long and miserable to go into, and i don't think it's worth suffering years of horrible encounters and stress for the sake of having a tidy family.

Talked to MrNeo about it. He was equally surprised at the shortness of the email and said not to reply today, let it rest a day or two. We then had quite a long conversation about what he thinks might be a plausible/realistic outcome and what he would like to see as an outcome. He currently sees the situation a bit like a Mexican stand off and thinks that at the moment, that is probably the best it will be. In an ideal world, he'd like us (myself and his parents) to be able to be in the same room, preferably a very large room and at opposite ends, without jumping at each other throats. So he isn't exactly optimistic about the situation, but in all honesty, it is probably the most realistic view on it all.

At the moment, he can't figure out what his parents are trying to achieve either, whether they are genuinely trying to mend things or are just doing what MrNeo expects them to do. After he visited at the beginning of this year, he was convinced they were going to do something soon, within the next few weeks. We went over to Belgium for a short visit first weekend of May and he was annoyed that they still hadn't made any attempts. Now it just seems they are making contact because we are visiting over New Year's and they might feel time is running out. We just don't know.

To be honest, I don't want to kiss and make up. We have on numerous occassions in the past tried the "lets be civilised" option. The year before the big break up was pretty much the hardest and when I was thrown out of the family, it was actually a huge sigh of relief. I liked that I didn't have to pretend anymore. But then over the years, they kept saying to MrNeo that they didn't mean it but never acted upon their words, and that ambiguity bugged me. I think what I'd like to do most is to cut them off this time. As some of you have been saying: life's too short. Well, I look at it from the other point of view. It's just not worth having to visit them, going through the motions, the pretending and then getting all worked about it afterwards (I know myself too well, I just don't see it working and neither does MrNeo). If I make the break with them, it will be a clean break, no more messing with MrNeo's head about possible resolutions. He will know where we stand and then he can do with his parents what he likes (he keeps visiting them for old time's sake).

Thanks for all the advice. It has helped me to write it all down, get my thoughts together and getting the different points of view from you. I know some of you will think I'm still being petty and not able to let go off the past (the latter is definitely true, I can't let go). But please understand this isn't easy on me and I do try to keep in mind MrNeo (if it wasn't for him, I'd do far worse things).

I understand where you're coming from much better now Neo, and sorry for being a blunt cowface earlier, I really don't know what got into me. I find it very difficult to walk away from relationships and friendships, so while I would find it very hard to put myself in your shoes and make the choices you are making, I do accept that you and MrN are best placed to judge the intricacies of the situation in the way you think is for the best. From an outsider's pov, yes, it does seem like there is immature, selfish amd downright odd behaviour on both sides, but goodness me, since when has logical reasoning or 'normality' ever applied to families? ? Good luck with it, whatever you both decide.

I would never have considered you a cowface for your comments earlier on. You were giving your honest opinion on the matter and sometimes it takes somebody to be that blunt with you to make you see all sides of the argument. And I really did try to consider all sides and understand that it may not seem logical or normal. Btw, me sucking it up really would not make it easier on MrNeo, as then I'd most likely be ranting to him for hours after every meeting with them. I really do think I'll be taking the safer road by saying no to them.

I haven't talked to my mother to my mother in 5 years and if she crawled over hot coals i still wouldn't. i made a decision at that point that i would not tolerate having anyone in my life who did nothing but cause trouble and bring me down. i haven't since, and since then a weight has been lifted.

I am another with nightmare in laws and I don't have anything to do with them at all. Its not been going on for as long as yours, but I cannot see it being resolved. MIL just wants everyone to forget about whats gone on previously, but both me and Mr K feel we are entitled to an apology for some of the vile things that FIL has come out with. As a result I have nothing to do with them and Mr K and his mum have tenative contact (when FIL allows her to ring him).

Part of me wishes I could just forget about it, but that would be insincere on my part - like you I would spend a lot of time ranting and nitpicking over everything if I did resume contact and I really wouldn't want to be friends or even civil to them - they haven't done anything to earn that from me. On my part I have apologised for anything I have done which they have thrown back at me so I feel quite justified in thinking "sod it".

For me its easier to make the choice that I don't want anything to do with them. I think life is too short to tolerate people who bring you down and make you unhappy whether they are blood related or not.

I hope you can sort it out to something that makes you happy (or at least less stressed about it!).