Thinking of calling it off - UPDATED

Hi Welshthistle

Sorry to hear this. It's difficult to know what to say without knowing why there's so much hatred towards your father from your mum and stepdad.

My parents are divorced. Mum has a boyfriend (who I'm not fond of) and dad has a fiancee (who is nice enough but a bit dull). Neither want to have much contact however they will make the effort for my wedding. Well, they'd better. Unless there's some particularly heinous reason why they can't be civil, I'd be inclined to say that it is your day, you want to celebrate your marriage in the way that you want and that their behaviour is selfish.

Walking you down the aisle is an important but quick job. They're adults, they should be able to keep their mouths shut and support you!

As I say, there may be reasons why not but without knowing them, I'd be making more an an effort to tell them to put up and shut up.

You poor thing.

Oh hunny, I don't know what to say other than why can't people behave like adults for day and recognise that this about about celebrating yours and your H2B future. I think some people are so very selfish.

All I can suggest is maybe try talking to each of them and explain how there behaviour is making you want to call the whole thing off, perhaps this will be the kick up the backside that they need to behave like adults.

Good luck x

Thanks for your reply Cricket - it was just a bad divorce, my dad really hurt my mum so I've always appreciated that she didn't really want much contact. They spent the day together at my graduation though and it was fine, so I (obviously naively) thought it would be fine on the day of the wedding too. I'm annoyed with myself for letting it get this far and for just going along with things I didn't really want just to avoid hurting people. I honestly didn't think this tiny bit of the ceremony would cause such trouble and am worried about the rest of the day now.

What do you want?! If you could have your own way and everyone was happy (i know magical world! but sod them, you can't please everyone so don't bother!) what would make YOU happy? Remember that you can walk down alone, or get your OH to meet you half way if you get a bit nervous.

Thanks casino, I'm just finding it very overwhelming to have to deal with people I'd hoped would put my happiness first. Turns out 'do what you want' is actually silently followed with '..as long as it's what we want too'! I've had pretty much no fun planning anything so far as I've just been worried, and the thought of another 6 months of it makes me feel ill. I love my OH and just want to be with him, and we don't need to be married for that to happen.

Mrs Spink - This is what makes it difficult - I don't actually know what I would want in a perfect world. Probably both of them. I'm liking the idea of OH meeting me halfway.

I'm just in the state of mind of why bother? They're not going to be happy and I don't want a significant proportion of the guests being unhappy. It would be an awful day. I'm afraid it's gone too far already and just want to quit before things get very bad and relationships are damaged beyond repair.

Hey hun, I agree with mrs spink 2 b, its YOUR and your oh's day. decide what you want, it pretty much sounds like that unfortunately someone won't get their own way, but as long as you are happy thats all that counts.

my situation isn't quite as bad but i too have had to make a similar decision. deep down ive known all along i wanted my mum, and thats what ive chosen. i hate the thought of upsetting others, but if i cant please everyone, im gonna try and please myself!!

good luck with whatever you decide. x

Well if ther all going to be upset, then have no-one give you away. and maybe if you tell them that this is how you feel then they may come round. I can imagine it would be very difficult with your folks not getting on, but if they could do their best to pass themselves for the day.

Try explaining how you feel to them, and telling them that it would make your day if they would be able to at least be civil for 1 day!

How about mum half and dad half, i'm sure they'll agree to do civil when swapping! Tell them what you want, and tell them it's this way and that's it. (i'll yell at them and tell them if required!)

Can't talk from experience as my folks are still together (celebrating 40 years the day after our wedding) but I always find it strange when parent's can't just get on for the sake of making their children happy.

I would seriously consider walking down the ailse myself or maybe asking a brother? It's not fair they're making you choose one over the other when you know it's clealy upsetting you so I'd have none.

Have you spoke to each of them and explained how you feel? Maybe they don't realise how upset this is making you?

Good luck in your decision.

Oh love, this sounds horrid. ?

My friends met each other outside the ceremony hall and walked down the aisle together, which was just one of the loveliest things to see. None of us realised it was going to happen and we were all looking around for the groom and suddenly the bridal march began and the pair of them arrived together beaming. They had some fabulous pictures taken outside the hall when he saw her for the first time, and (despite the photographer being there) it made the moment he saw her on their wedding day for the first time so much more intimate and private. Perhaps that's an option?

When my little brother got married he told everyone after the wedding! Mum was gutted but he did it so he wouldn't have any of the family pressures. Our parents are still together (30years next year) but our parents can't stand her parents and vise versa! All the fmaily have now come to terms with it and i'm going to by aunty in about 2 weeks time! Can't wait!

My advice would be don't call off ur wedding because of them but try and do it the way u want to. it's ur day afterall!

I like this idea!!! ? I've seen pics of people seeing eachother for the first time (seems to be an American tradition to meet before the ceremomy) and they're truely georgous!!

I'm getting upset just reading your predicament. i get so upset when i see adults playing tug of war with children (even if they are old enough to get married) Its not fair of them to treat it as a competition, its about you getting married which is far more important than there feelings towards each other. i think you are goin to have to speak with your mum and let her know exactly how this is destressing you and hope that a comprimise can be reached.

Hello,

I haven't got a solution, but a thought - you are worried about hurting all of them and trying to please them (I'd be exactly the same) - but what about you? They all want all of their feelings considered, but what about yours? Do all of these people whom you love and who obviously love you, not think that actually they should put you first as it's your special day, rather than you have to alter everything to fit around them?

I'm not a naturally selfish person either and I was getting stressed about little family things when one of my friends pointed out that actually it should be people 'dancing to our tune' not the other way round. It must be quite clear to them all that you have tried to do your best to accommodate all of their feelings, so it's about time they all tried to accommodate you.

If I were you I'd send them all an e-mail or letter saying the same thing. That you love them all dearly and you have tried everything to accommodate them but it has not worked as no solution has pleased everyone and you have now got to the point where you are considering cancelling the wedding. Beg for them to compromise for your sake and if they won't say that you have no option but to elope.

I genuinely wish you lots of luck, you are obviously a very caring person and you shouldn't have to ruin this special time by trying to please everyone else - especially as they do not seem willing to compromise (it may be very hard for them but for your sake they should try)!

Good luck.

Paris x

What a horrible situation to have been put in. I would have a think about what you would really like to see happen, then speak to everyone involved and tell them that you are so upset about it that you are thinking about calling it off. Tell them that you know its not an easy situation but this is what you would like to happen for your special day. If you really want your dad to walk you down the aisle, then you could maybe ask your mum to do something else, like a toast or reading or something. Hopefully they will come round to your thinking xx

The htought of cancelling my wedding as grown adults could not act as such is not something i would ever consider. You are marrying the person you want, in a service that you ordered (if thatis teh right word), on a day that you choose, in a dress that makes you look stunning, with people around you who support and love you. I would sit down with both parents and explain that you ARE getting married on that day, that you do want them to be there but if for what ever reason they do not think that they can act in a manner that will not upset you that they need to make the decision not to attend. By putting the emphasis not on you choosing what will happen but them you put them in a position where they either support you and are willing to put their differences aside or they cant. Sadly if it is teh latter i would thank them for their honesty and tell them they will be missed. It sounds to me as though they both want to be there and be part of your day but i would make them decide whether they are or not. I also would not agree to anything, who walks you down the aisle, seating arrangements etc till they have accepted it is your day and their role is to suport you not to score points against each other.

Please think very carefully before doing anything about cancelling you wedding. I am astounded that the four people that love you the most can be so selfish.

As the others have already said, this is your day and things should be how you and h2b want them.

If they managed to be civil at your graduation, they can damn well do it again. Talk to them, tell them honestly how THEY are making you feel.

Have a good think about what you want and then tell them that's what's going to happen, and stick to it.

None of them will want to miss your big day. They love you, they just need to stop using your wedding as an excuse for point scoring.

I hope you manage to sort this out. Be strong and stick to your guns xx

You've had some good advice here so I won't repeat some of the comments already made.

But one thing that struck me when reading your post was that it seems everyone around you is far more concerned about how your wedding is affecting them, and they don't seem to be putting any thought into what you might want on your wedding day. I can sympathise because I know you obviously don't want to upset your family, but clearly it's not crossing their minds about how much they're upsetting you.

I think the idea of walking in with your OH is lovely, but that's neither here nor there really until you've told everyone else exactly how they're making you feel.

Hope you get something resolved ?

It certainly sounds like there is some bad blood there and the fact that your sister talks about someone winning seems to confirm that. Your parents really shouldnt be arguing and should simply say "Whatever you want". Its your wedding day afterall.

I would suggest that everyone sits down to discuss it. Explain your feelings and what you want. Both giving you away would be ideal if you want that.

I also love the idea of you walking down the aisle with your new H2B. But I can see that causing more friction in the family as one side then blames the other for brining that about.

Or do what we did, forget the whole thing, go to Gretna green with a few close freinds and family and get married up there. Cut out the whole who should come, if you invite this one that one has to come also.

Your mum says she feels uncomfortable about them both giving you away. Explain that this is your big day and having to pick sides will make you uncomfortable.

But dont call it off. You love this man no doubt.

In certain cultures this is standard, although also often done slightly differently. For example some Polish churches have the cuple enter from different doors and walk to meet up in front of the altar. The church I did this in had two aisles specifically designed for this.

BTW, I feel really sorry for your conumdrum. Across the years I have photographed many weddings where there have been "more than 4 parents" at the ceremony. I even had 11 parents at one wedding! The dynamic of each situation makes it impossible to generalise a best answer for you. I hope that something will work out for you. Whatever the case, you shouldn't let your family issus stop you geting married. Your sister commented about a family member "winning".....who wins and who loses if you don't go ahead with the wedding?

I wish you well

Peter

This is also part of life . Good luck..

Exactly what Stazzle said!

Oh everyone, thank you so so much for all your kind words and advice, it's really helped. I feel much more empowered!

I'm going to write them a letter explaining how upset I am. What's most difficult to understand is how they can treat our wedding as an opportunity to punish my dad. My mum said she would rather see my sister/uncle/grandmother/no-one give me away, or for us to elope, rather than share the job with my dad. It beggars belief.

I've also been thinking from a new perspective - my own! I have a plan now, and will have a chat with OH. If he agrees, we'll arrange it, then let them know what's happenning and leave it up to them to decide what's more important - a 20-year old grudge, or me. That sounded a bit melodramatic!

Anyway, thank you again for your help.

xxx

Good on you, Welshie! Glad you have your OH onside. I'm sure it won't be an easy letter to write, an easy wait for a response or even easier to deal with however they do respond but I'm sure it'll all work out ok.

Whatever happens, at least you'll be able to look back in years to come and know you did the right thing for you both.

x

All the best with it.

When I got engaged my mum wanted me to 'elope' to where my dad lives so that she 'wouldnt have to put up with my father' I told her that that would NOT be happening.

She did hint she wouldnt hang about, would get a lift home with others leaving early but that too never happened.

My brother sat between my parents at the church, my mum sat next to my FIL and my dad next to my MIL at the top table. They kept themselves to themselves the whole night really, mum dancing most of the night away.

oh and when we left the church, going back down the aisle, twas only us, bridesmaids and best man. Everyone else left via the side exits, so there was no need to get my parents back together again.

Poor you, in such a difficult situation. I think that you are not going to please everybody so if you want your mum and dad to both do it, firmly tell your mum that is what you want.Prob easier said than done ?

I think you have to firmly tell everyone what is going to be done. If they won't agree then walk down the aisle either with your OH or led by any bridesmaids you may be having. I was a little taken aback by your mum choosing your vows in the OP!

Tanta, she didn't choose my vows as such, I just said that I wouldn't have had the line 'who gives this woman..' because I've never liked the association with ownership, and she said 'oh, I was looking forward to saying 'me!''.

To update - I have sent a letter to my mum, stepdad and sister explaining that all my planning was done with them in mind, the make it as easy on them as possible. I took responsibility for not telling them from the start what I actually wanted, and for the distress that all the fuss it has caused them. I also made it clear how hurt I was that they couldn't put their feelings for my dad to one side, for one day, for my sake, and how I felt they were more interested in preventing my dad from being involved than it actually being about it being a happy day for me and my OH. I outlined the new plan, and said I wanted to leave all this unpleasantness in the past, and start afresh, doing what we wanted to do, and that we still wanted them to be involved with ideas etc.

Still waiting to hear from them...

Let us know how you get on ?

Updated!

SO glad it all got sorted!