Skip to main content

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

WelshTotty
Beginner December 2014

This might cheer people up a smidge

WelshTotty, 8 October, 2008 at 12:42 Posted on Off Topic Posts 0 13

Emailed to me by a colleague, Tommy Cooperesque humour, well it made me giggle anyway.....

*I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


*Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


* I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


*I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


*I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.


*I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


*My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


* I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got collara.'


*I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


* I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


* I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


*The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


* This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


*I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.


* I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


*This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


* I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


*I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'


*I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


*I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


* I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


*I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'


*I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'


* A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

13 replies

Latest activity by Maxi, 9 October, 2008 at 00:53
  • RuthG
    Beginner July 2004
    RuthG ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    ?

    • Reply
  • Mrs Winkle
    Beginner May 2007
    Mrs Winkle ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    ? I love a crap gag.

    • Reply
  • Campergirl
    Beginner September 2007
    Campergirl ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    ?

    bi-satchel!

    • Reply
  • C
    Beginner June 2002
    cjb ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    They are BRILLIANT!

    • Reply
  • WelshTotty
    Beginner December 2014
    WelshTotty ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    This is my favourite

    * I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

    I can't stop giggling when I read it

    • Reply
  • Crookshanks
    Beginner September 2007
    Crookshanks ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    Certainly made me smile ? I dare not laugh out loud! ?

    • Reply
  • Gryfon
    Gryfon ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    ? Simple but good!

    • Reply
  • badkitti*
    Beginner October 2007
    badkitti* ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    Brilliant

    Reminds me of Tim Vine

    • Reply
  • T
    Beginner July 2005
    TORTY ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    ... they are all Tim Vine Jokes... he is hilarious!

    • Reply
  • L
    loopyloo ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    Went to see Tim Vine at the Fringe, wasnt impressed sadly.

    He was by far the dearest show we went to see, and sadly the worst.

    Those type of jokes although funny in small bursts, are too much for an hour. I thought it was very try hard humour. I felt obliged to laugh at it, rather than laugh out loud cant help it type of laugh.

    I know some people love him though

    • Reply
  • Beans
    Beginner
    Beans ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    you'll have to bring it back tomorrow ?

    • Reply
  • kierenthecommunity
    Beginner May 2005
    kierenthecommunity ·
    • Report
    • Hide content
    View quoted message

    ?

    • Reply
  • Stupidgirl45
    Beginner July 2009
    Stupidgirl45 ·
    • Report
    • Hide content

    Bi satchell.... excellent ?

    • Reply
  • Maxi
    Beginner February 2008
    Maxi ·
    • Report
    • Hide content
    View quoted message

    ?

    This was my favourite.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×


Related articles

Premium members

  • Q
    Qa Test I got married in August - 2022 North Yorkshire

General groups

Hitched article topics

Contest icon

Win £3,000 for your wedding

Join Hitched Rewards, where you can win £3,000 simply by planning your wedding with us. Start collecting entries, it's easy and free!

Enter now