Those who were/ are out of work- advice for structuring your day?

Mr WT has been home without work since 1 Feb this year, his routine has been, get up at normal time as if he was going to work (7am) wash, dress etc feed cats as is normal routine, then spend the day online and on the phone applying for jobs and talking to agencies. Then going for interviews. He hasnt deviated from this in 4 1/2 months. He had a weeks worth of contract work last week, which was nice and it perked him up no end. He now has a start date for a 3 month rolling contract with a police force starting this Friday, however he still applies for permamnt jobs every day.

So he hasnt changed his usual structure really, as his timings are all the same as when he was working.

Firstly, I am so so sorry that it's happened again. What a nightmare!!

Looking for work is one of the most depressing things I have ever done and I have been shocked at how much it's changed my personality. I've gone from being really bubbly outgoing to being quite, withdrawn and I now have panic attacks when I leave the house. It can totally change your personality and how you deal with things. Tiny things become a HUGE issue to me as I have nothing else to think about. A friend making a comment can be the most hurtful thing in the world and make me cry. It's horrible!

It sounds to me like your H fills his time with these things to keep himself active and to feel as though he's achieved something.

I do think that you have to keep to a certain pattern each day. I've found that by getting up and doing exercise first thing it boosts me up for the day. I also make a list of the things I need to do (these include keeping house) and I maybe spend 2 hours on finding work. There's just no point at all spending all day doing it. It's pretty much all the same jobs and if you check the job sites twice a day and get email updates that pretty much covers it and I chase recruiters every few days. It drags you down if you do it all day every day and get nowhere!

I think your H sounds where I was a few months ago, totally lost and possibly "depressed" and it's no wonder really, I mean you've had an awful time of it and I do think it effects men even worse with the whole caveman, breadwinner thing. I'd suggest that you speak to him, in a really nice supportive way and see what you can do to help put some structure in. What about if you both tidied up the office and got it really organised? I did mine and having a clean space really helped, I'd let mine turn into a flea pit!

Also, when you really think about it, what do you think he should be doing? Do you feel that he should be taking on the lions share of the house?

Thank you both, Pooch I think you've really hit the nail on the head.

I actually feel guilty now about geting annoyed with the house stuff, i can easily do it on top of work as I'm not at college at the mo. It was just the coming in after a long journey to mess when it never seemed to me like he was doing much. i.e. I'd ask what he'd done, he'd say a letter and it never occured tome in a million years he actually was doing that all day.

I'm "taking" him to the gym now and when we come back we'll organise the house. I think, rather than feeling hard done by I will just try and make things as easy for him as I can until hes working again. I hate seeing him like this.

Well done to MrWT on his contract too.

Poor you, and poor MrH, he has had a nightmare few months.

When my ex was out fo work he was the same - structure totally went by the board, he'd be up all night with online poker/porn, sleep all day, I'd come home from work and place would be a tip... Nightmare.

I think it's partly about supporting him and Pooch says, but partly about not letting him slide further into this state of mind and state of enviromnent, it isn't healthy.

I'm currently on a couple of weeks of sick and Mr Rabbit had a few months redundant last year - basically we try and keep to our normal routine (so normal bedtime and get up), its helped by having a small child because we have no choice but to be up tbh

I also have a job list and like to get through one thing a day and to make sure I leave the house, even if only to go and buy a paper so I can do the su duko

My H has been out of work since mid-Feb and I can totally recognise the worry about mental state - my H has suffered with depression in the past.

He gets up most days by about 9am and then spends the day ringing round or applying for jobs. For the last week or so he's been out and about with interviews and meeting new recruitment consultants, but I know he gets desperately depressed when he's just stuck at home all day with no human contact.

I was a bit annoyed about him not doing house stuff for a while, but I'd rather do it when I come in then put any more pressure on him.

I just make sure I get home as quickly as I can every day and also give him a ring at lunchtime to see how he's doing.

MrP and I had a real battle when he started his contract. For the first time in 8 years he has to go to an office every day and hates it. I have to stay here as a) I have no car as he has it b) we have the dogs and c) there's just very little work for me at the moment.

As much as MrP hated being at the office, I hated it being here. he thinks I have the best end of the deal, i think he does as I'd LOVE to be going to work every day. We really struggled with it as he couldn't see why I wasn't happy, why ironing his shirts made me cry and I moaned all the time. If you really want to work and you can't it's vile! I can honestly say that I now feel as if I have nothing at all to offer the world and I have totally wasted my life.

I guess the point is that as much as it's bad for one person it's often the same for the other person. I do think that your H should be doing more in the house and actually on a small scale that would give him some structure, it does to me. BUT, you must be soooo careful how you approach it as if he's vulnerable anyway it will really drag him down.

Time really does pass you by. I can spend a whole day on one letter or one email and get nothing at all done. The key for me is getting up in the mornings. I now get up with H, make him a cup of tea, I take my cup back to bed and maybe watch 30 minutes of TV, then I get up, feed the dogs, do 30 minutes of exercise, do my chores/reply to emails, walk the dogs and then the afternoon is spent either doing some work/job hunting or socially. Is there anyone he can see during the day, maybe once a week for coffee?

I was out of work for 8 months. I always got up with MrK, treated the day until he came home as my work and went to bed at the same time as him - that kept the day fairly structured. I did all the housework (which we usually split), shopping, gardening. Every day, I did some job hunting and exercise. I did a lot of DIY stuff around the house. Once H got home, then I spent my evening doing what I did when I was working (without having to do the chores!).

Some great advice, thanks all. It seems the key is making sure hes up with some kind of objective for the day. I also do need to make sure I contact him during the day, i don't do that (unless I need to ask him to do something, which must make it worse from his POV)

Pooch, i keep telling myself "this too will pass" I know you have tons to offer, but thats so easy to say/ see from the outside isn't it?

Ah, contact, thats a good point. I would email MrK and he'd reply (obviously according to what work he was doing). He tried to remember to tell me when he was in meetings so I'd know he couldn't reply. Most of it was fairly mundane stuff but it could be the only contact I'd have that day. We also made a point of chatting about both our days when he got home (or I'd walk to meet him half way on his way home).