Tips for newly weds

So do we Koshka! The size of the bed isn't such an issue, but H has an uncanny ability or cocooning himself in the duvet or whatever covers we have, then steadfastly refusing to wake up and give me back my half. We splashed out on a spare pretty soon after moving in together - cheaper than a divorce ?

Remember to say "I love you" occasionally - totally randomly. It can totally cheer a person up!

Koshka, I think it's lovely that you're so thoughtful and caring about your brother and his new wife to be.

I've not read the replies, but tips from me would be:

Don't worry if the earth doesn't move the first time they sleep together, it takes time to learn each other's needs and hot buttons, and that it can and will be special and amazing.

Have time out and do your own thing, it makes for an interesting relationship when you can discuss things with the other person.

Have date nights every so often, as frequent as feels right, once a week, fortnight, month or whatever. Doesn't have to be expensive, could just be a walk in a park with a bag of chips, or a trip to the theatre!

Learn what each other's love languages are, there is a really good christian book on this, several actually. The one for men and one for women would be good, or there's one that they can both read.

Do a marriage preparation course! H and I did this through our church, and we learnt a lot from it, even though we'd been together for years. You learn to deal with conflict, families, housework, sex, all sorts.

From the course, things like finances and housework can be sorted out, this is really important, as I would say that this can be the main cause of arguments sometimes!

Talk about plans for the future, 5 year plans, 10 year plans etc. That will make sure that they are reading from the same page, and it's good to do this regularly in the years to come, just to make sure that you're not growing apart too much.

A big bed!!!!

Remember to have a forgiving heart. it's going to take time to get used to living with each other. Plus, don't be afraid to ask for advice!

Think I've rambled on enough there! H and I, whilst it's not perfect, we have a great relationship, and considering the above really helps.

Surely it can't have escaped their notice that things will be different and that they'll have to adjust? I think I'd feel a bit embarrassed if people started handing out this advice, especially in such an organised way. It all seems a bit condescending.

Speaking just from my point of view, but as young Christians, their attitude will be a bit different, and they'll probably be more appreciative of a load of tips, than a couple that are older, have had a few serious relationships already and have been together for a while.

Plus, it all depends on how the tips are given to them. If it's in a fun way, then it'll be great.

I think I agree with Magic and Lumpy. I mean, if they've only known each other.. was it 5 months? it will be years before they are in "married" teritory.. I mean it will just progress like a regular relationship, with the addition of a marriage license, surely?

I mean things like loo seats..they won't even know each other, really.

No, but him leaving the loo seat up will still annoy her, and they both won't have any previous experience of living with your other half, so tips on how to deal with it, isn't going to do any harm is it?

They both should know what each other want in life,ie children,careers. It would be no good going into a marriage when one of them wants children and the other does not.

They still need to have their own friends and hobbies.

But presumably they've not lived with anyone else either so who knows, maybe they haven't picked up any bad habits? I know my dad never left the loo seat up when I lived at home.

It just seems strange to focus on little things. Certainly in the first few years of our relationship I didn't worry about stuff like that, let alone 5 months in.

Did she not grow up with any males in the house who left the loo seat up? It all seems very strange, they might be virgins and not lived with each other but surley they were'nt raised in a sealed room without any contact with the outside world. And who knows he might not leave the loo seat up? Surely they will have their own individual habits.

I think only people who've lived with an individual can say how to deal with a particular situation with that person, and someone who knows them well enoujugh to marry them is likely to be able to gauge it well enough anyway. Example - if my husband left the seat up I'd say 'you've left the seat up again, will you please stop it'. If it was my brother I'd say 'how come you put the seat up and still pee on the floor?' or something.

"ooh, he puts the tea in the cup before the milk - it's not mentioned in my 'tips for newly weds' book, what shall I do?"?

Actually, your previous assertion that it's different for Christians is jarring a bit. Sometimes people who are NOT Christians are virgins when they marry, and sometimes they're older yet don't have a string of previous relationships.

It's not just about toilet habits, it's just about learning that after the honeymoon period, to accept each other. Some of the tips that Koshka has been given is relevant now, some will be relevant as soon as they get married, some will be relevant later on in life.

Though what does it matter? Koshka wants to do something sweet for her brother and his fiancee, and they will probably see it for what it is, a genuine help. Koshka hasn't asked for criticisms of her idea, but for ideas that she can put to them.

I didn't say that relationships are different for Christians, I meant that because they are Christians, and Koshka and her family seem like my church family, things are a bit more caring and sharing, and being given tips won't be seen as condescending.

?Ok.

I just hope the newly weds aren't embarrassed and mortifed and a wee bit insulted that people think they're so naive. But I guess those who know them know best.

Whereas is my atheist family they would have bitchslapped me to the ground and screamed abuse at me. You can care and share and not be a christian?

How old are this couple?

If they were 18 I could sort of understand it, but if they're grown ups then it is fairly patronising.

er, well my contribution was that since they hardly know each other they probably have larger things to worry about than loo seats. But I guess that just makes me a biatch non Christian...

You can read it how you like, I'm not asking to be flamed for being honest about what it's like in a church life. I know that I don't see tips as being condescending, and I doubt any of my church family would either.

And you're right, Koshka knows her brother best, if she didn't think he'd appreciate tips, she wouldn't have asked.

Koshka, I have this https://www.amazon.co.uk/Best-Mrs-Beetons-Household-Tips/dp/0304368288 its been fully updated so that its relevant to today. I even have a copy myself and it is very useful. It covers everything for the first home from mortages, bills, how to deal with repairs and workmen etc....

I can't recall their exact ages, but I'm pretty sure they are around the 19/20 age. I agree that if they were quite a bit older then it would be patronizing as they would have a lot more life experience.

Hyacinth, I'm not saying you're being a biatch non Christian, that's unfair. I'm just relating to things a little differently.

I'd have been mortified if I'd been handed a book of tips on my wedding day. It comes across as quite patronising, with an attitude of "we know what we're doing, you don't". Everyone has to learn to be married, whether you've had sex before, or not. There's a lot to learn about being married and that's all part of the fun! They need to set their own boundaries, decide whether the toilet seat actually annoys them, and figure out what hole to use! ? I know it all comes with good intentions but if you think about it a bit more it is really a bit rude. Oh...and I'm a christian...

I didn't say you did, I was just ribbing. Especially since I am not really a non Christian.

We are all contributing though, even if the contributions don't fit in with your ideas.

Koshka asked for ideas on tips, not contributions on whether it was patronising or not.

Never mind, it wasn't my intention for this, and I doubt the original OP wanted this either, so I'm bowing out.

As they are both comitted Christians, you might want to suggest the following books to read together.

The first 90 days of marriage by Eric and Leslie Ludy - http://www.amazon.co.uk/First-90-Days-Marriage-Foundation/dp/0849905249/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216588409&sr=8-6

I love you more by Les and Leslie Parrott - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-More-Everyday-Strengthen/dp/0310257387/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216588643&sr=1-1

In his wedding speech, my dad gave us some advice that I have followed faithfully throughout the marriage. It was Liz Taylor's (I think) originally and follows on from what was said earlier.

Never go to bed on an argument - stay up and fight.

It works for us.

See, I don't get the argument either, although I would love to do it, how does that work if your husband or you does something really bad and you're not ready to forgive and forget? I know I'm stubborn but it seems a bit doormatish to make up just because its bedtime (actually, am really stubborn ?)

I think the idea is you're supposed to resolve the issue in an adult manner and start afresh in the morning.

However, with my vicious temper and Mr A's passive-aggressive nature, it doesn't really work for us. Usually I just keep on until he says "fine, have it your way, as usual". And because don't do p/a I say "fine, I will". ?

Perfect match.

Be polite to each other. Be kind. Before you open your mouth to say something unkind, think "would I say this to my best friend?"

This advice has served me well this time round ?

start arguing again in the morning? thats ok then ?

Yup, start the agrument again - everyone needs a hobby.?

Or, perhaps, store it up and hold a really long grudge. It's always good to drag up something from, oooh, 6 mpnths ago, when you're rowing about whether or not one of the Bay City Rollers is an amputee.

Not that Mr A and I did actually have a full-blown row about this once, no siree, not us.

I believe you, MA, and in the same vein, Mr Hole and I have never had a full on blazing row about who stole whose style, Sienna Miller or Kate Moss ?