TMI type question...

Pain killers 1 hours before you plan on DTD to reduce any pain, get lubes out in case your not as into it as he is? Try and think of all the reasons why you love and all the fun past times you've had in bed ( or just make a few up of what you would like fun times to be)

And totally wait till man flu has passed so you both enjoy it a bit more, dont just DTD because you've been told to.

In my house man flu= no sex

Sorry not much help

Obviously not whilst he has the manflu, but I always find that a really long snogging session (without the intention of it leading anywhere else, so fully clothed, on the couch) can get the old juices flowing. I'm quite often like you, I am in pain a lot although all over rather than "down there" so H spends a lot of time in the other room so as not to roll over on me during the night and hurt me accidentally in his sleep.

During the days and evenings we are affectionate with each other even if we dont sleep together at night and that helps I think. We cuddle, I sit on his knee, have a cheeky snog in the kitchen so even if we are not actually DTD we remain close because of all these things. The snogging thing works though! After 10 mins or so its often me suggesting we take things upstairs not the other way round! My medications make me really dopey and take away almost all of my sex drive but H has gotten used to that, I think every couple of weeks I just make myself and once it starts its always really nice. Its more the idea thats exhausting!

Dont quote please!

It's hard because it's different for every couple.

I have a lot of pain in my back and hips and I've also had a lot of kidney problems most of my life so have UTI or other problems which is uncomfortable. Also I get pain down there every so often. My sex drive is fine it's just my body that can't cope!!

My poor H puts up with loads and really makes an effort. He likes to give me a backrub and it relaxes me and helps my muscles too. We make an effort every month or so to have a proper romantic night ie candles, music etc to make it a bit more special and get us in the mood. Day to day just cuddling, kissing, talking just makes us feel close which I think is so important to feel relaxed to have sex.

if we've had a hard few weeks and haven't been speaking as often or as close as usual it's harder to want to have sex.

What Cookie said!! but also maybe ease into it with toys or something and see how you get on with them?

Thanks everyone, as usual lots of good advice.

I am reluctant with toys etc as I find they are usually an add on to sex life rather than a kick starter. I want to get the intimacy back with OH and feel the drive I used to have. It is hard when things have been tense between us. I do think I *can* have sex (if we take it slow with lubricant to minimise pain - which is more inside rather than caused by any friction or whatever) it's just the wanting to which is lacking.

We will definitely have to wait til the man flu period has passed and that will give us time to get back into our groove. We've only actually DTD a handful of times since the HM so it does make sense that he may be feeling lonely or rejected or just plain old frustrated, but I don't think that necessarily makes his bad moods my responsibility. I haven't talked to him about the therapist's suggestions, so she may be way off base and his moods may be down to something else entirely, but even if so it is still something that needs addressing as part of our relationship. I don't know what the 'average' amount of times to have sex is but I feel whatever it is we are way below it so I would like to sort this out. If we do start TTC next year I would like us to have had a proper healthy and regular lovelife before that all begins.

I have just ordered some ginko biloba as read that can help!

Possibly a stupid question but does sex have to be penetration?

Could you ahev an agreed rule that for x number of weeks (through negotiation) that no penetration takes place? That way there is no pressure and no dear of it hurting whether it is going to or not.

Maybe I am naive but I am gobsmacked at the JFDI attitude and the thought of takign pain killers so that you can get through it. To em that doesn't soudn like love making between a loving couple that sounds like somethign much more uncomprehensable.

Ana nalagoy fi you would - if you ahd broken your arm and you used to play tennis with your OH regularly and it was soemthign you both enjoyed woudl you froce yourself to play even though your playing arm was broken? Would you take pain killers just to get through a match to please your OH? Would it not be better to play another game in the emantime and allow your arm to heal fully so that you could both fully enjoy tennis again without any guilt or hurt or mistrust on behalf of either party?

If you are agreeable to the above you will find a plethora of experience on BT because so many women ahev been unable to have penetrative sex and are willing to discuss other options in the meantime.

I think I agree with Pittabre. I'm not sure forcing yourself to do it will have a positive effect on your relationship at all. I think if you (even subconsciously) start thinking that this is what you need to do to mend your relationship, then you will create all sorts of new problems. I can't believe a therapist actually suggested that, especially if there is a medical reason why you've not been able to do it much lately.

Your H is being a git recently. That is absolutely not your fault and certainly not because you haven't had enough sex. It's not your 'job' to have sex to make him happy. Anyone who suggests that is, in my cabbage, being a little bit sexist.

Sorry that turned into a rant. I get a bit heated about this sort of thing. I hope you find something that works for you, just please don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to or that you're not ready for, physically or mentally.

And this, with bells on.

Ok, I’m putting this out there now, H and I haven’t been intimate for 4 solid weeks. And before then it was 3 weeks. And before that it was a couple of weeks.

You cannot force yourself to have sex, it will damage your view of it and long term will make the problems worse. I think your therapist has given you very silly and naive advice. You need to work on things with H, and keep on at the docs so that you naturally WANT to have sex.

I’m sorry if this sounds brutal but I have damaged my own view of sex through JFDI (for different, baby making related, reasons), and I really don’t want you to go down that path. It’s not necessary. All it does is make things 10 times worse further down the line.

My advice is to be honest with your H about your feelings towards sex, I finally did with mine and he understands completely. Obviously it isn’t ideal for him but he can understand and accept my reasons and is patiently waiting for me to come around in my own time.

I've tried to respond to this thread so many times but I realised I don't have any answers yet am in z similar position.

Sorry I can't help. I'm scanning this thread for advice now though so thanks for asking and bringing it all to light.

Just to add I really can't imagine that the counsellor was meaning to tell you to go away and be raped by your husband... I'm sure she genuinely meant rekindle the intimacy between you which emans soemthign completely different.

A tip I was given was to sleep naked together - not ideal weather for it but... when naked skin touches naked skin it increases the release of oxytocin sometimes crudely referred to as the bonding hormone as it makes you feel more happy and relaxed. Hopefully it has to be on the expectation that you are not going to ahev sex and that you can fully relax without fear of pain.

I would also suggest massaging each other - again with the understanding that no penetration is to take place.

Even things like him brushing your hair or washing you whilst you have a bath will increase the intimacy between you.

I agree with Pittabre - I don't think "intimacy" has to involve penetration, certainly not if it's hurting you. Cuddles (naked or clothed), massages, baths together if you have a big enough bath, then progressing to ruder stuff can still help you feel closer - and probably more closer than if you're lubing up, lying back and thinking of England!

Garlic bread crumbs everywhere. Hilarious!! ?

Thanks for your thoughts ladies. It is great to hear your different perspectives on everything.

I am sure the therapist wasn't meaning I should just JFDI, that was more my attitude really. I don't think she is suggesting I should force myself, particularly not while there may be medical problems, but more just take the step and get closer in some ways. I refuse to take responsibility for all of H's sh1tty moods, but can see her point that the lack of intimacy is probably adding to the situation.

I definitely think the sleeping together (actually sleeping) naked or not, needs to come first. It is hard to feel romantic with someone who is in the door late from work, not taking care of himself that much i.e. scarfing down junk food, not shaving, and so on, then goes off to the spare room to snore his head off. I think once we work out better sleeping habits and OHs work loads eases so he is around a bit more then the rest may well follow naturally.

I think that is a good idea P (I think suggested it) a nice shower or bath together then snuggle up for some nudey hugs without it being sexual to start with, then gradually introduce more sexual elements. Last night was a lot better - he was in from work at a more normal hour, we were speaking a lot more than recently, got through the solicitor paperwork and just chilled out together doing a daft internet quiz and watching some TV. When we went to bed he actually came up with me and we snuggled up together. He stroked my hair a bit, but then he wanted me to scratch his back (literally! he loves it) and instantly fell asleep so it wasn't much but at least it was something.

The pain is a seperate issue, she did suggest it may be psychological, but after the bleeding on HM I don't think it really can be. Can you psychosomatically force your cervix to bleed? I am going to stay away from full on penetrative til I know the score with 'down there', but I must admit I do find anything non-penetrative a bit frustrating. It feels a bit incomplete without it but for now I think that's an idea I am going to roll with.

The couple time really goes out of the window around this time of year. OH is always ultra busy and stressed with work and it will continue tha t way up until Christmas Day and then the aftermath of the sales. We have had this problem ever since we got together. This year is unusual in that he is so moody with it and our sex live has vanished, usually he thrives of the stress of it and it doesn't seem so tense between us.

I am going to suggest we make a date night soon though, he needs to work but he also needs to balance things out so our relationship can take priority just for one evening.

PB, just a note of reassurance. I went through a period (no pun intended) of bleeding a little after sex. I had an exam and the doctor said she could see some inflammation on my cervix - apparently, the very delicate cells that are supposed to line the inside passage had grown outwards into the tougher cells on the 'exterior' surface. When she prodded them, they bled a little. She said it wasn't medically problematic but that it could be exacerbated by the contraceptive pill. I finished with pill and we switched to condoms - it never happened again. I don't know what your contraceptive options are but it might be worth considering using condoms. Even if it wouldn't be your first choice, the peace of mind might be worth it - after all, if you're not having sex anyway, anything would be better?

I had a similar thing to Footlong and got the rogue cells cauterised which fixed the problem. Hopefully when the tests come back yours will be easily fixable too.

Thanks for the reassurance. I have had cervical treatment in the past for pre-cancerous cells, bleeding after sex is a symptom though she did say it had healed nicely. I have been trying to get hold of her all week as I was meant to have results by Monday... No response so far unfortunately. I had recently gone on a new pill just after HM when there was bleeding, so not sure if that could explain it. Hopefully I will have some news today.

Thanks missrae. He has his own online businesses (mainly ebay and amazon), but has his own websites as well, and the run up to Xmas and then Jan sales is his busiest time. This year he has more staff than ever but is still totally over worked. So much so that he hasn't been to a footy match in around 4 weeks - unheard of for him!

A nice update anyway: He went to work this morning, then to a hospital appointment about his snoring and possible procedure, then came home with lunch and we snuggled for a bit listening to music in front of the fire. Blissful and such a contrast to recent weekends! We're definitely getting closer after a hard and tense few weeks. He has just gone back to work but has promised me he will bring in food and prepare dinner for us this evening, so we will see. If he does, great, if things at the office run over then I will not be heartbroken. He looks totally wiped out plus has the dreaded man flu, but his mood has shifted and he is no longer so hypersensitive over everything. Small steps, but things are getting back on track to some normality. We even managed a proper discussion about the new mortgages without him snapping and getting stroppy over it!

I still haven't discussed the therapist's suggestions about sex/intimacy with him, I think it isn't something that needs to be broached right now, and instead I will let things naturally take their course following some of the advice you lovely folk have posted here.

I just want to comment on the pain aspect. I experienced this for years. went through a laproscopy and the whole bit. three years after i first complained of it i was diagnosed with a pain condition called vulvadynia. it's where your nerves in that area specifically (no clear reason why this happens - i think mine was prompted by a bad infection) read every sensation as pain. so when mine was really bad even peeing and wiping hurt. it's catch 22 as because of this pain your body lubricates less and then rubbing during sex can cause bleeding. the bleeding distracts medical attention and this is why it can take so long to get a diagnosis. some doctors i've met since haven't even heard of it.

the treatments are either anti-depressants (because they deaden nerve endings - not because your vagina is depressed, like they joked in sex in the city when charlotte got this), which i tried but hated, or physio therapy, basically the reverse of incontenance therapy. this helps you to relax your muscles and end the vicious cycle of it. that worked a treat for me after just a few sessions. this year for the first time in 4 years oh and i can enjoy DTD whenever we want. and like you i would cry sometimes.

I mention it because this sounds like what i went through but you need to ask about it as some doctor's don't even think of it. it took me 3 specialists before i got this diagnosis. please raise the possibility with your doctor, just in case!

Thanks fpr sharing vicster. Did this come on suddenly for you? I will bear it in mind and bring it up with docs if it continues.