Top Table confusion!?

BM needs to grow some balls and tell his wife to deal with it, it's a few hours, she's in the same room.

We've all been in that situation, my OH was BM a while back and I knew no one but made an effort to talk to people on my table.

As a guest I would feel it odd that the BM isn't on the top table.

I agree but people don't always think rationally when it comes to weddings

The other option would be to have a "sweetheart table" for just the two of you, and the various couples (parents, BM and wife, bridesmaid and partner etc) "hosting" one of the other tables, and then have a 'speaking place' that they come up to for their speech. It can just be a microphone stand rather than a proper lectern type thing but if they have a speech to read then it's possibly better to have something to rest it on.

If you had to do it at her wedding what difference is it if she has to do it at yours!?

I'd just do what your hearts telling you, its your day not your best mans!....He's had his wedding/his moment. Just sit her on the table closest!

HTH XX

I have been thinking exactly the same thing when planning the top table. I have decided not to have a traditional one so that partners can be together amongst other reasons, but that is a very individual decision. Personally I as a guest I would rather see partners together especially if they do not have mutual friends to keep them company than a standard top table lineup. But i do appreciate the arguements for and against doing it either way - so whatever feels right for your situation.

I'm blooming regretting asking now. I assumed she'd be fine with it and want him to be on the top table so was a bit taken aback when she said she'd rather he sit with her!

I think it'll look funny as well because he'll have to stand up in the middle of the room and speak!? I've sent her another message on fb but I think I'm just potentially getting myself in a flap because at the end of the day I know it won't hugely matter in the grand scheme of things! Just a bit frustrating trying to please everyone!

Its one thing i've learnt through this wedding planning, its our day, yet all we do is try & please everyone else!

Hi

We are only having me, OH, both set of parents and OH kids at top table. Best Man and Bridesmaids are at tables with their OH's and are basically hosting a table. We are also having all round tables

Hey,

I would just send a message back saying something along the lines of "ok, i will see what i can do" then follow it up with another message a few days later saying "i tried to move the seating plan around but it didnt work, so i've had to stick with the original plan by having you on a table with some other people who you dont know but are very nice, i know its not the best outcome but i figured it would only be for an hour or so (she isnt to know that it will be longer and what is she going to do on the day? stand up and go sit on BM's lap? haha) i'm sure she will say thank you for trying anyway, and if she has a baby, people are BOUND to talk to her anyway. Hope this helps

I agree with everyone else apart from you mention she's bringing a 2 month old baby, i know nothing about babies personally is it their first?. Could it be more the idea of being left with a 2 month old to handle alone rather than being sat by herself that shes not comfortable with?. Could the BM not come and stand next to you at the top table to make his speach?

Failing that i'd tell her you have tried but can't rearrange the seating plan but you've made sure she's on a table as close to the BM as possible and its only an hour or so.

On the assumption that she stays at home and looks after the baby, and he's at work during the day, surely she must have to "deal with the baby" on her own during the day? Regardless of their personal circumstances I'm sure that one of them has to go out to work for a number of hours each day so she must be able to cope, somehow, surely, with the responsibility of being a mother?

Looking after your baby in the comfort of your own home is VERY different to being in a formal social situation such as a wedding. We avoided going out to eat with our little one for ages as it's such a nightmare trying to keep him amused and quiet during dinner, and that's with 2 of us. So that could potentially be a factor in her response regardless of whether she looks after the baby all day anyway.

Anyway, back to the topic: I'd personally want to be sat with my OH at a wedding however if he was the BM I'd suck it up for a couple of hours and understand that he should be sat at the top table.

I'd go with the above suggestion of leaving it a couple of days and saying you've tried but can't sort the seating plan around it. If for whatever reason, BM absolutely has to sit with his wife, could you have a central place (at the end of the top table perhaps), where everyone goes to do their speech?

Not necessarily the case, as i say no personal experience of having children but i know people who have their mothers/ mother in laws etc move in for a couple of months after their first child was born to help out etc. I think there is probably a difference between being at home in your comfort zone with a new born baby than being at a wedding with people you dont know and an environment your unfamiliar with. Like i said i have no children i just imagine a 2month old on an occaision like a wedding is no walk in the park. I was just suggesting another reason for her desire to sit with her husband, without a child that young i would suck it up for a couple of hours, maybe some one with experience of a 2 month old can comment on how easy it actually is.

As in my earlier post - it's not easy! TBH I'd have panicked at the thought of taking my son to a wedding when he was 2 months old even if I was going to be sat on a table with OH, friends & family!

edited: this makes my son sound like he was a monster - he truely wasn't, he was good as gold but at 2 months old you're still getting used to being a mum!

Ps. to the OP - good luck, hope it all works out x

I'm sure it is - but my guess that, based on your statement, having one person or two people to look after the baby won't make a huge difference in that situation. I know that a child is always a parents first responsibility but having accepted the position of Best Man, that should be his first priority for just the hour or so of the wedding breakfast.

I know it's not a popular statement round here but weddings aren't, by their nature, 'child friendly' events and surely the better option is for her to be on a separate table, near a door, so she can take the baby outside if it starts making a fuss - which I feel should be the option whether she is on her own or with the BM. In fact, if she was sitting on the top table with a baby, it would be even worse for her to have to go outside than if she was sitting on a separate table.

I think you're probably right that it's the baby that's the factor here rather than the separation - which the obvious solution to is that they find a relative to babysit for a day, or even pay one for a few hours in the evening, and then they can both relax and enjoy themselves without the stress of whether the baby is going to make a noise or not, whether sitting on the same table or otherwise. I'm sure there must be time for them to arrange something.

OP, how long ago was he asked to be best man? Was it before the baby was "on the way"? I think if I was in your situation I'd be asking the BM if he really still wanted to be BM or should I look for someone else to do it.

We aren't having bm at our top table he is sat at a table beside us with his oh and the bridesmaids and their oh. at my cousins wedding his bm wasn't at the the top table either when they came to do speeches he went and stood beside the groom it didn't look odd at all

AJ, this is a bit ridiculous...believe it or not, our weddings are NOT everyone else's priority. The poor woman might not want to get a baby sitter for her TINY baby (at two months old they probably won't have left it with anyone else yet), and by agreeing to go to the wedding and take a baby with the risk that the baby might cry and get upset she is already making a big gesture of support, I think.

I also find it ABSURD that you think for a few hours the role of Best Man comes above someone's responsibility to their wife and child. Seriously...a wedding is just not that important I'm afraid.

In my opinion I completely understand why the woman would want to be sat next to her husband, and I would just sit them together

Re having a babysitter for a 2 month old, if she is breastfeeding would not be an option and I wouldn't have felt happy leaving my daughter without either of us at such a young age.

Simple then, they don't come, or get a new best man. There's no other options left.

What's wrong with storing up some milk at home and using bottles?

If the baby is only two months old then the pregnancy must have been going on and the due date known for many months during the wedding planning... did nobody think that this may have been a problem before?

Or, seen as we are adults, why don't we compromise?

I don't see what the compromises can be though.

It is not normal for partners not involved in the bridal party to sit on the top table.

Having a baby on the top table which is the centre of focus for a large part of the day is only going to make the parents more self conscious and nervous about everything with everyone watching them (far more than sitting on a table somewhere else) and cause more disruption when it inevitably starts bawling during the speeches.

If the Best Man sits with his partner and child on another table and just comes up for the speech, that's a possibility.

I'm sorry but this situation has been brewing now for 11 months (give or take) and I can't really believe nobody thought that having a newborn baby around tied to one of the key roles on the day would have caused issues.

I feel sorry for the bride and groom to be saddled with having to sort out someone else's awkwardness.

It's the Best Man's job to support the groom and deal with a number of things on the day. How is he meant to fulfil his role if he's forever running off and changing nappies?

I agree with gurzle. As soon as we start saying people 'should' be doing something I get a bit uncomfortable. I'm sure that Aleox will find some suitable and dimplomatic compromise that suits both her and her honoured guests. I do feel that some of the more extreme views could benefit from "putting themselves in other peoples shoes."

The normal for that particular wedding is whatever those involved choose for it to be. And as for the baby inevitably crying - it just doesn't work like that!