Top Table issue

Hey,

Going through the same issue at the moment - which is fun!

So we're not having anyone on the top table bar me and my fiance - just makes life much much easier rather than dealing with the arguemnts.

I'm even walking down the aisle solo! You'd think family would suck it up and move on for your special day!!

Good luck whatever you chose xx

Wow, I feel your pain! I have a similar situation with my fiance's folks going on at the moment. His mum and dad divorced around 10-15 years ago and haven't seen each other since. Both have now remarried, but his mum is adamant she doesn't want to even see him - to the point where we think she might not even come! She's not said anything to pressure us yet, but I'm bracing myself for it!

In both my case and yours, I sort of feel like saying 'get over it'! Sounds harsh I know, and I'd be a lot more sympathetic if the split was last year and still raw, but it's been sooo long, and in the case of my future MIL, she's even remarried!

We've not done our table plan yet, but at the moment, we're currently thinking that we will either have a sweetheart table instead of a top table, then have my fiance's dad and stepmum on one table, my mum and stepmum (dad and stepdad both passed away, but my 'mums' get on great!) on the middle table, then his mum and stepdad on a third table, with groomsmen and bridesmaids scattered around them.

Our other option that we are discussing is to have an alternative top table with best men (he has 2) + partners, and top 2 bridesmaids and partners - that way everyone doing a speech will be on the top table.

Are either of these options for you?

I have been to a wedding where step-parents were on a separate table when the parent was on the top table. It felt a bit awkward though, and I know if I was separated from my partner, I'd feel a bit put out about it.

It's so hard trying to please everyone. Your mum needs to back off a bit though. I can kind of understand her feeling uncomfortable, but it's not your fault that your dad has remarried. At the end of the day, it's your wedding, and coming from someone who can't have her dad there, I totally understand why you want him there!!

Try and explain to her again that you love her and aren't trying to make her feel awkward. Maybe you could give her the option of giving you away or giving a speech instead of your dad doing it? Assuming he is of course. That way she can still get some of the recognition for all she has done in raising you?

I hope this helps!! x

I haven't had this with my parents (thankfully!) but I did have a similar thing with an aunt and uncle that don't get on. Basically the aunt I'm really close to didn't want me to invite one of my uncles who I'm not so close to, because they had a major falling out. But frankly, I've come to the conclusion that you can only be responsible for your own relationship with other people, but you can't be expected to take responsibility for other people's relationships with other people, that's their responsibility to deal with.

So in my case that means that even though my uncle can be quite a pain sometimes, I'm still inviting him because to not invite him would be a grave insult and probably mean the end of any relationship with him and his wife and kids, and I don't want that to be on me, regardless of how well he gets on with other people; whereas my aunt doesn't have the right to be offended at my uncle's presence because she is perfectly able to ignore anyone she doesn't want to talk to, she is under no obligation to socialise with anyone, therefore if she gets upset by his mere presence then that is her choice, she is actively choosing to be affected by it when she could have chosen to not let it bother her and just talk to any of the other 149 guests who aren't my uncle.

In your case it means that if you exclude the step parents from the top table, they might well be offended, and with good reason, but your mum has no right to be offended just because you did include your step parents. You've invited her, that should be good enough. She can't police your relationships with other people and you can't be expected to manage her relationship with them, as if you don't have enough to worry about on your wedding day! Your inviting them should have no impact on her. If she doesn't want to talk to them, or even look at them, then she is perfectly within her rights to do that, but that is her responsibility.

To cushion the 'blow', maybe you could make clear that by inviting them you're not saying that they are equally as important as her, it's purely etiquette and to keep the peace. (Also, it's not clear from your post but she definitely has no right to say who your fiancé has on the top table as she doesn't know what his relationship is with them). At the end of the day though even if your dad hasn't always been there, he's still your dad. Also often during the best man's speech the mothers usually get handed a bouquet of flowers or other gift as a 'thank you' - maybe that would make her feel more special if she got a nice big bouquet and your dad and step mum didn't..? Especially if you really hammed up the thank-you when presenting it. Also it would probably help if you could arrange the seating so she doesn't have to sit next to your dad, or maybe give her pride of place next to you, and put your brother in between her and your dad or something...But you definitely shouldn't banish the step parents just because she tells you to.

Thanks everyone for giving me some good advice, it's definitely helped.

it's been a week now and it's still not sorted, i think i have the right approach but i need to talk to my fiancé about it and i've needed some time to really think about what i want to do before i speak to him, although in one of my teary moments he said he would support me no matter what. At least he has my back!

I hope you're all enjoying planing your weddings a bit more than me at the moment and thanks again for taking the time to reply to me!