Totally selfish rant about cousin - Updated, they've gone and done it anyway!!!

Truthfully? if it were me I would be p*ssed off, but I wouldnt ask them to change their plans, but then I am a wuss and hate confrontation of any sort.

SO....if I were you I would be honest! If that is how you feel then tell your cousin.....maybe she will understand how you feel, you have waited 8 yrs for your big day so you are entitled to voice your feelings...

x

Hi, I know it seems totally bad timing with you looking forward to yours so much, butttt - "try not to see it as why is she doing this to you" and see it that she's just happy and some people have less importance on planning the big build up etc. Let your mum and sister worry about the journey to your cousins wedding.

I honestly don't think people will begrudge in anyway coming to both of your weddings, the only thing I would say is get your save the date/invites out quickly to those people you really want to ensure are at your wedding, working to the basis that they would have been asked to yours first, just in case.

Is the date they have chosen the only date a venue could do? If they had the choice of a slightly later date, that would have been better, I agree with you.

It does sound credible about her work though, it might not be the best thing to ask her new employers either (weeks off for wedding), as alarm bells will go off with them thinking marriage, and then babies etc

I'm not surprised you feel pissed off - I would too. It does seem strange that they are in a such a rush in their early twenties, especially in the current economic situation.

I would be honest and say you are disappointed they have chosen a date so close to yours, as even a month would be better, and it means she won' t be able to go to your wedding either since she'll be away on honeymoon.

You could comment about how stressful it will be planning everything in such a short time to put her off as well

On the plus side fewer family guests might mean you can save money or invite more friends.

Not begrudge, but may not be able to do both, which may cause other problems. My brother and my cousin married 3 weeks apart in 2004. My brother had his date booked first and uncle, aunt and cousins from the US were coming over. Then cousin booked hers and asked US female cousin to be a bridesmaid. Suddenly US relatives weren't coming to brother's wedding as couldn't come for long enough to do both. Sister had to miss cousin's as couldn't afford to travel down to Essex from Lancashire twice in a month. There's still bitterness now.

Hi guys,

Thanks for the messages and support! I've had a chat with the OH who also feels pretty pissed off as well and we have typed what we think is a diplomatic but honest email (to be sent tomorrow once we have slept on it....and got your opinions on of course!!).

I just feel that its pretty bad form and wonder how they would feel if the roles were reversed. I know they are in lurve and all that (sorry we are aged and jaded, lol) but still think that they should choose another date. Just because they possibly can't go on honeymoon immediately after the wedding doesn't mean that they can't go away at another time. Thats certainly what we are doing due to OH's work commitments. They are both just about to graduate from uni and so may be don't realise that they can ask for time off so soon into a job, its not the end of the world. They also might not realise that many places get booked up pretty quickly. Although, one thought I had was that they might already ahve a venue that only has that date free and so are using work as an excuse.

Or......another sneeky thought I had was that she might be preggers and so want to get hitched quick before she starts showing and before the baby is born.

Oh, I don't know. Here is the email, what do you think?!

Wow, you guys don't hang around! :-)

To be honest, whilst we sympathise with your reasons for wanting to set the date for the 21st June, we would if we are being totally honest be a bit miffed and would have a few concerns. We assume that as you would be on holiday you would not be able to make it to our wedding which would be a real shame and (not wanting to assume who you are inviting) it would be unlikely that we could attend yours as we are both working full time and weekends so close to our date will be very hectic.

Another concern would be that if you intend to get wed up in Sheffield, people may be rather tired from one busy weekend and not be able to fully enjoy our special day.

Obviously we would never dream of telling you not to book this date, but felt that we should be honest about how we feel as we appreciate the thought you have given in consulting us first.

What job is Caroline starting by the way? I'm sure if she explained the situation, they might be able to allow her to take a week or two off? I know that it will be unlikely that we can go away straight after ours due to Iain's work commitments as he can only take leave when Parliament is not in session and as it is during school
term time we might get told off by the school if we take Jess out to go on honeymoon! We therefore intend to have a proper holiday during the summer.

Tbh if I was in your situation I would be massively pi$$ed off too!!

Something similar happened to us, a close family friends son announced his engagement exactly 1 week after my H younger brother got engaged, they had their engagement party exaclty 1 week before.

H and his brother have always classed him as a cousin and his parents as aunt & uncle.

We got engaged back in 2002 when I was 17 (well a few weeks before my 18th) and H was 18. We booked our wedding a few weeks before either BIL or 'cousin' got engaged for September 2008. The day after 'cousin' announced his engagement he then told everyone they'd booked their wedding for Aug 2008, 3 weeks before ours. Then the next day BIL fiancee booked their wedding for Valentine's day this year (BIL had no knowledge of it until he finished work and she told him).

None of them bothered me really as the only people who would be at both "cousins" wedding and ours was cousin, his wife, his parents and grandparents. Also I knew my wedding would be the best out of the 3?? My MIL was most annoyed by the fact her 2 sons were getting married a few months apart because of the financial implications, but because until the other 2 weddings were booked BIL fiancee said she wanted to be engaged for at least 2 years before they thought about marriage. I couldn't care less about it though as at the end of the day there wedding will be completely different to ours and according to my MIL and also without going into details they're wedding is turning into a farce, but then she has had issues with the wedding from the day it was booked namely because if the way it was done and since then the various situations that have arisen. MIL admitted to us the other day that she is dreading the wedding day and just wants it out of the way and over and done with, which is a shame really for BIL as he saw how excited both his parents were in the run up to ours and they couldn't be less interested in his and tbh I'm not sure why!

Weddings are a strange thing, they can make or break people!!!!

Now i've calmed down from my own rant i must admit this did cross my mind too! ?

I think that it is pretty bad of them to try to book their wedding a week in advance of yours, with all considerations, such as family may be too tired from previous travelling etc. I think it's fairly reasonable of you to tell them what you honestly think as you have put a lot of planning and expense into your wedding and it should be how you want it to be. (i'm not saying that won't also do this or dont deserve it to be just as lovely as yours.) It is nice that they have emailed and asked, but being a student myself, i've not met many considerate students and they may not be into a proper out in the big wide world frame of mind. I think your email was well worded and surely won't start arguments, but i think you should be prepared for if they do start backlashing at you a bit.

From my experience people can be pretty single minded about their own weddings some times!

Well, now I'm a bit cross with my dad (its his side of the family). I spoke to him last night about it and read him the email they sent and he just said that I should basically be gracious and say its okay. I explained why I didn't think it was okay and eventually he said that he understood how I felt.

So I send a very similar version to the email copied on my previous post this afternoon. After work I go to pick my daughter up from my mum's and when my dad got home from work he then tells me that when he went to visit my uncle a couple of weeks ago they had told him that my cousin has this amazing opportunity to go to the US to study some really important stuff (sciency stuff).

Why did he not think to tell me this last night??? Cheers dad.

I've now got home from all this and have received the RSVP for my uncle, aunty, both cousins and cousin's fiance. All the others can come except cousin and fiance. It was posted yesterday afternoon from the date stamp on the envelope. So basically it looks to me as if they've sent the email knowing that they will be having their wedding on this day regardless of what we think. Nice.

Oh dear....... least their family (your aunt n uncle etc) can attend and their loss they cant. I dont think it will impact too much on your other guests, least I hope not. If the parents can go to two weddings in a row then so can veryone else? lol Look on it as a positive; if fewer relatives cant make it then you are able to invite your dearest and closest friends? And if your wedding was in my home town then its yours I'd be going to as opposed to travelling where the brides comes from at the other wedding.

I agree with your predicamant and I'd be peed off too...... but as I've said to one bride before, think of it as 'saving the BEST till last' )

Agreed with Teehee, think of it as best till last. At least your aunt and uncle are coming, and you can probably invite some more friends now! Your wedding will still be fantastic and about YOU which is the most important thing.

Well, they've gone and done it anyway. Didn't even have the courtesy to reply to my email, just sent an evening invite......with debenhams gift list included!!

Turns out its not this cousin going to the US so that excuse is blown.

As you can probably gather, I'm really really pissed off! So is OH, he was steaming last night. Says he's not going to theirs on principle etc.

Now I'm stressing about food. We've got our main meeting this sunday where we will be discussing food, but the tasting won't be for at least a couple of weeks. I want to hurry up and get ours chosen so I can say look this is what we are having. If you have chosen the same, please change it. Do you think this is reasonable? Wouldn't be so bad if ours was first, but as we are second people may not want the same thing again.

Really need to find my inner zen and fast!!

No, completely unreasonable and incredibly petty.

I do feel for you. Out of all the days they could have chosen, they choose an exact week before yours, which has been planned for longer than theirs and I think if they were being realistic, the reasons they have given for doing it that day could have been gotten around. Plus, why on earth would they consult you first when they were just planning to go ahead and do it anyway? As someone else said, even a month either side of yours would have made a difference. I don't really have any practical advice - I would probably do what you mentioned and approach them about the menu, as I wouldn't want any crossovers either, and make sure you get your own choices in first! Other than that, I have nothing else to suggest - just rise above it and enjoy your day, it will still be just as special and everything you want it to be.

I've not read all the other reponses but from the few I did read I think I'm going to be the only person to say you are being totally unreasonable about everything.

Your wedding is exactly that 'yours' and other people don't need to plan their day around it. Why should they? Each day is individual and weddings are not a competition.

As for the food situation I'm actually stunned anyone could be so petty.

I'm not usually so vocal when I disagree on here but to ask someone to change their plans because you don't like them for whatever reason is completely wrong in my eyes.

I agree with PurrfectGems mostly. I do understand that it mustve been an awful shock & disappointment when you found out their wedding was only a week before, and quite strange on their part choosing that date. However, I really think you need to rise above it all & concentrate on your own day & enjoying it. Choose the food you want & if they choose it too - so what?! No one in their right mind would critise having the same meal two weeks running. Try to be the better & more mature person in all of this, because the only people that will be upset at the end of the day is you & your OH. (hope I haven't been too harsh!) xx

I'm sorry but I think you need to get over it and move on. I understand why you're upset, but I think you're blowing it out of proportion!

When we get to our wedding in June, it will be the 4th family wedding. We knew dp's brother was getting married in March, and we knew sil's sister (big but very close extended family) were getting married in May. We didn't know dp's aunt was going to sneak in with a Valentines wedding!! Dp's brother is even having his reception in the same venue - but then all the brothers have (4 of them).

You just do what we're doing - make it different! We're having a small casual wedding, drinks reception with canapes and hog roast in the evening. We're not spending £000's on favours, sit down meals and all the general bits and bobs - as the other two weddings are.

Each wedding is different - and if you're not careful you'll ruin for yourself which would be a huge shame. At the end of the day, and it's been said millions of times on here, it's the getting married that counts not what you are or are not eating.

Ok i would be pretty peeved if someone i was particularly close to booked their wedding the week before mine, but hey? what are you going to do? nothing, cos it's not that big a deal. so what if you both have the same food? do you *really* care if people sit there comparing the two? no, cos what you should be doing is enjoying your wedding how you organised it for you and your h2b. and you *are* worried about it, and if people continue to compare them in the future, well that just shows how petty and competitive everyone is.

you just need to deal with it. and if you are concerned about everything being the same, then just don't compare notes on your wedding plans - then you can say you knew nothing about her wedding and vice versa. but i think that would be a shame, and like others said, maybe a bit petty.

sorry if that sounds harsh.

My cousin's wedding date has been set 2 weeks after mine, and I don't think it has even occurred to either of us that this could be any problem - the opposite in fact!

We don't have any mutual friends, so it is only family who will be invited to both - and I reckon you always make the effort to got to faily members weddings if at all possible, and with enough pre warning most people should be able to manage two in close succession. the rela benefit of my and cousins weddings being so close, is that a lot of our mutual family memebers live in Australia - and are making the trip over to come to both weddings. If our weddings had been a few motnhs, or even a year apart, most of the aussies wouldn't have made it to one and certainly not both, as its a trip people can only justify every few years!

The only downside is that i won't be able to go to her wedding ☹️ - we had booked our date beforehand, and honeymoon was all booked before I found out her date - so we won't be back. Its not the end of the world as we are not much in touch and only see each other at weddings and funerals anyway, but it would have been nice to go, and its nice to retain those links with family memebers at imprtant family gatherings over the years ... but at least we will catch up this year (at my wedding).

Couldn't have put it better myself, bluewater.

She's absolutely right. It's not an ideal situation, but you just need to get over it and concentrate on your big day.

Plenty of other things to worry about.

Ali x

Ah, thanks ali!

[takes a small bow]

I might have missed it so forgive me if i have, but are they having their wedding at the same venue?

If not, why would the menu be the same?

I can understand your concerns, but hay everybody is different. Just because there wedding is a week before is not a major problem. I know sadly you will not be able to attend, but my cousin did excatly the same, we where told to avoid September when we decided to get married. Then she moved it to the day before ours, which we where like argh. I would have certainly not have attended. But now no one knows when it is, my other cousin is getting married in April. So it will be nice to see family before ours etc...

A family friend is now getting married in October, unfortunately she does not have a clue. Her mum keeps asking mine what is Fiona having. We now don't tell her anything not because she will copy, but she already has the suit man. Which doesn't matter, one bit. Will be asking for discount next time we see them ? But show we have good taste!

But at the end of the day we where all put on this earth to be different, if we where all the same the world would be boringh.

All the kind ladies of hitched have given me so many ideas I would never have dreamed of or know. I have had over 12 months to plan, so I know ours will be ours not there's. My only concern is friends daughter, but hay if she has anything like mine I know where that came from. As I said before must be good taste!

A good example 2 family members buy houses at same time, no house is the same. No venue is the same. Your taste and decoration in your home you do to suit your taste and home. Your wedding is exactly the same. Your taste your wedding, no wedding is the same honestly just the guests when family is concerned. Most guests will look forward to seeing each other quite close together, as it may be a while till they meet again.

Sorry for the long reply x

I know i sympathised earlier on, but i think you are being a but unreasonable now. from what i can remember isn't it a different venue? and anyway there is more than just one wedding menu for the entire country so asking them to change their menu is probably a bit uncalled for.

Everyone has different tastes. Your wedding's won't be the same, i think you need to concentrate on your own individual wedding withyour H2B. it is YOUR day and their day is THEIR day, it doesn't matter if its a week apart or a year apart, people will remember your wedding for the fact that it is you and H2B getting married. Also people won't assume that because your dates are so close you must have planned them together, they will not have a go and say you were copying. And if they do then well thats their problem and not yours because you know you were planning it long before you found out about your cousins getting married.

Besides which, your cousins might have thought you were being rude asking them to change their date. Whether she's going to america or not they might have their own reasons for having their date the day it is.