Treading carefully...

Oh dear! The only thing I can really suggest is that you firstly book the things you and your partner want and like then keep the rest of the money to one side and if your parents ask tell them you haven't yet decided exactly what you want regarding transport/dresses/flowers etc then see what you have left in the pot once you have all the things that you and your partner want.

Good luck!

I'm not in the same boat as you, but I do feel for you.

I think your mum is just wrong to say it's not just about you and your partner. It is.

Quite frankly, if it was me, I would thank my mum for her generous offer, but if the money came with conditions, I would turn it down.

If you're not going to get the day you want, then I really don't think it's worth it.

I would, 100%, much rather pay for the wedding myself and have something small, intimate and completely "me" than pay nothing, having a fancy big affair and feel uncomfortable.

Exactly WSS!

Thirded. My parents tried to give us money. I refused, quite simply because we didn't want to accept it; I'd rather they spent it on themselves. But a nice side-effect was that they had zero input into how we planned our wedding (apart from dress shopping trips etc).

I agree with all of the above.

My mum has given us money towards the wedding as a wedding gift but it came with no strings attached, she offered to pay for the photographer I had already booked so it was all good!

Your wedding is about you and OH, a celebration of your personalities and your love for one another, not the party your parents want.

^^^ WTS. Maybe it might be worth sitting down with your parents, and explaining to them that although it is a very generous offer, you don't feel it would be right to take money to have a wedding that you don't really feel comfortable with. This might help with the problem that you're having trying to get the message across to them. As soon as they hear that you don't necessarily want the money, I'm sure they'd be quick to ask why!

I would be honest and say you want the day to suit you and OH. If they aren't prepared to let you do this with their money then refuse it and pay for it yourself. Try and compromise, but be upfront astheir involvement and demands will get worse the closer the wedding comes.

My best friend was a bridesmaid for a girl that given 15k by her parents for her wedding, the trouble was that it came with so many conditions (including her inviting people that she had never even met but wher her mums ladies that lunch friends) that I would have told her where to stick it and got married a few years later with my own money, she had a lovely day, but at the same time her mum was a total diva at the wedding, basically tried to turn it in to the wedding she never had, even turned up in a white dress!! Now not saying that your mum would do that, but I do think you need to draw some very clear lines on what you feel is ok for them to have an input in before you go excepting anything from them.

I've had a similar situation, and my OH and I worked out what was super important to us (the food we served, free bar and having a formal sit down meal). We've compromised on the items that matter less to us but have held our ground on the things that really do. Can you talk to your parents at all in a calm way and perhaps sit down with the budget? Hope it works out ok.

My parents are hosting and paying for the breakfast and reception. Because of this, there are about 6 of their friends and 2 unknown family members coming that we'd never have invited if we'd paid for it ourselves. That said, I'd rather accept that than not have their help! Them being there won't take anything away from our day.

We've had something similar, but much more mild. I think my mum was worried that we'd do a home made wedding and it would look cheap and tatty and be embarassing for relatives.... She didn't say that mind, just had strong opinions on what we could do ourselves and what we couldn't. I honestly think they were worries that they would look like they hadn't paid for a nice wedding for us and that they would look bad as a result. Most of it was framed so that I shouldn't do it myself as I'd be too stresssed to cope (when the reality is that the only stressful thing about the wedding has been related to family members being difficult!)

We have accepted some money from them and it did come with some invisible strings. We did invite some of their friends, but I don't mind that as apart from a couple of family members, there won't be many people their age or that they know very well and with their own guests, they'll feel more comfortable and have have more fun.

We've compromised in places - which you will end up doing regardless of who pays for what! We have what we consider to be an excessively expensive cake but my wedding dress was very cheap. I'm doing the flowers myself to save money since the costs of getting them done are staggering. Our wedding rings are very cheap and we picked a food menu that is somewhere in the middle of prices. We did home made invitations and got a free website for extra info and RSVPs so that we didn't have to spend lots on printing and paper. I guess being selective about what we do ourselves has helped us have lots of time to do it well.

Perhaps adopt the approach of it's not about money, it's about you doing what you want. Say you want to do the personal touches yourselves and that includes flowers. The reaction to doing the flowers ourselves was much better the second time we spoke about it when I had pictures of what we wanted to do, so that they could see what we were getting at. (My parents seem to assume the worst!). Get the conversation over with quickly though, to leave time for sulks or arguements to blow over, so you can make amends well in advance of the big day.

(Btw - for us, the registrar is a fixed price and there's no need to spend any extra so you may not need an extra bit of your budget to cover that).

Good luck!

Thanks so much Onetwothree, you have put my mind at ease. It is being framed as 'saving me the stress' but I think the major concern is that my mum doesn't want to be embarrassed by a cheap-looking wedding.

With regard to the registrar, it is fixed price but was about £300 more than we were anticipating from speaking to other marrieds. Turns out this is an expensive place to get married. We could go to the registry office for £50 but only take 2 guests!

Thanks for all the responses. I think i was just getting a bit het up and now I've had time to cool off it doesnt seem nearly as bad!

Ah, tricky one.

I am in the same boat, my parents have offered to pay for the entire wedding (and have given me a very healthy budget) however, I told them how massively grateful i was but if at any point I feel like they are taking over our wedding planning then we will fund it myself.

I would rather skrimp and save and get married in three years with a wedding they way we want it rather then next year and a wedding that we were not completely happy about.

I may sound ungrateful but I plan on only getting marriend once and want it to be our day for us (and a huuuuuge party for family too!)

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