Two people to give me away? - practicalities and thoughts please - *Update*

Hmm, if they really really don't get on i would suggest them both walking you down the aisle

How about getting your dad to walk you down (keeping it traditional) and having your

mum say a reading for something along those lines that way they both have involvement

x

The only problems I can think of are:

- when you are getting ready will they both be there with you? If so, then how will you keep them separate?

- Will they both go in the car with you to the ceremony?

- Is the aisle big enough for 3 people (sounds silly, but important iif you are wearing a big dress.

Bear in mind though that mums have a lot of involvement anyway (hen nights, bridal preparation, choosing the dress) and i think that's partly why the FOB giving the bride away is still so popular - it gives him a job to do

I agree with Rebecca, if they dont get on it may be a tad awkward walking down the aisle with one on each side

Not much help sorry

Obvioulsy the width of the aisle might cause problems as 3 people abreast is rather wide.

There is no way to keep them separate I realise this, and I refuse to do this on my wedding day, it was stressful enough on my graduation. So, as adults I will have to trust them to behave. It may be awkward to have them either side but they can hardly be rude to each other with me in between them! It's more trying to please both of them as both feel they are the one who deserves to give me away. I make myself sound like a prize!

The width of the aisle I thought about but I will go and see that when we have our wedding prep day next sunday so that may solve it one way or another!

I'm in a very similar situation myself..Growing up I had very little to do with my dad, however in my adult life I do have a relationship with him and although I don't see much of him, I am close to him and love him dearly. When I told my mum that I was getting married she announced that she was pleased she would be giving me away this time. (I have been previously married). She just assumed that as she brought me up she would be the one giving me away. I felt dreadful telling her it wasn't her role..anyway to cut a long story short..I've asked my 10year old son to walk me down the aisle...he's chuffed to bits as it gives him a special job to do while my 2 daughters are bridesmaids. I havent yet told my dad, but im sure once he hears that my son was feeling left out and the fact that my mum was sticking her oar in, I'm sure he'll be fine..but I know how difficult it is for you, people say its your day, and it is, but you don't half end up with lots of guilt trips along the way..you have to do what's best for you, and what you feel most comfortable with...just think how you will feel walking down the aisle with both of them..and if you think it'll work then go for it, but remember you're gonna be nervous enough without the added worry of them both getting on for that moment....

Good luck and I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right thing for you..xx

Thanks Onion, it is difficult isn't it? It's always been something I dreaded about my wedding, how the logistics of divorced parents would work. Generally I think I do it pretty well, but the whole gving away thing was always going to be emotive. It's not just the fact they won't get on in that moment of walking down the aisle - nothing will make them get on and at least at that moment they cannot start shouting at each other - it's more how it would work and am I just going to make it worse for them. Is it better for neither to do it rather than try to half heartedly please them both, with each being annoyed/upset that the other is involved? Oh well, I'll keep mulling it over.

OH has just attended his daughters wedding and they had an acrimonious break up. However as it was their daughters day they pulled it together and both walked her down the aisle as it was what she wanted, they posed for pictures and sat next to each other at the top table and remained civil and it made her day. It went back to normal the day after but it was great to see they made the effort and nobody noticed any tension. Could you speak to them both and ask if they can manage it for one day as it is important to you. Perhaps not doing the Top Table might ease things a bit as a compromise.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions on this. I actually dreamed about all this last night so my brain is clearly trying to think about it even when I am asleep - hopefully work will take my mind off it.

Jojo- its nice to know it can be done and I know it will have meant the world to your step-daughter.

I think my main aim in all this is to upset my mum the least as my main loyalties lie with her, even though I get on well with my dad now. I'll see what the aisle is like on sunday, as that may take an option away immediately, and then take it from there.

Why not just have your Dad walk you down the aisle - no one should have a problem with that as the father usually walks the Bride down the aisle.

I really don't understand why some parents are so selfish and why they don't just 'let go' of the past for the sake of their children. I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 14 long horrible months and for 5 months of those I was pregnant. He finally moved out when my daughter was under a year old. Mentally I reached rock bottom and was in quite a bad way. Despite all that, I still talk to him for about half an hour a week when he drops the kids home and we make a show of the fact we 'get on'. His girlfriend recently had a baby and I even told my ex to tell her to phone me if she needed advice and I spent an hour on the phone to her talking about breast feeding. I don't particulary like talking to him, but I do it for my children.

Why not just have your Dad walk you down the aisle - no one should have a problem with that as the father usually walks the Bride down the aisle.

I really don't understand why some parents are so selfish and why they don't just 'let go' of the past for the sake of their children. I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 14 long horrible months and for 5 months of those I was pregnant. He finally moved out when my daughter was under a year old. Mentally I reached rock bottom and was in quite a bad way. Despite all that, I still talk to him for about half an hour a week when he drops the kids home and we make a show of the fact we 'get on'. His girlfriend recently had a baby and I even told my ex to tell her to phone me if she needed advice and I spent an hour on the phone to her talking about breast feeding. I don't particulary like talking to him, but I do it for my children.

I know dads usually give away the bride but it would really upset my mum. She is not selfish - she is amazing. My dad put her through hell for years. If I said that I wanted my dad to give me away she would accept it, but it would really hurt her and I don't want to do that. Nor am I entirely sure I want him to give me away. Quite frankly he was a pants father when we were kids. Part of me would like my mum to give me away but that would upset my dad, and as I have a good relationship with him now I don't want to upset him either. Hence me thinking of both or neither. It's difficult, not helped by my indecisiveness.

It's great though that you can be civil to your ex - you must be very strong to be able to do that and in the long run it will be better for all concerned. I know some split families can do this, sadly mine can't and never will. It's not anyone being selfish it's just very difficult for them.

You're going through the same mental torture that I did at the beginning of this journey!! I spent a long time deciding which decision would upset both my dads and my Mum the least!! It got so bad at one point that my OH threatened to call it all off as I was getting too upset about the whole thing. In the end I've decided that they are both going to come in the car with me and both walk behind me down the aisle, as there is no room for them to stand either side of me. It may look a bit weird but I love them both dearly and so want them to be involved as equally as possible. I'll let you know how it goes on the day so hopefully it can help ease your mind a bit. Families are so tricky sometimes!

Thanks Katiea2000, it would be nice to hear how it goes for you. Good I hope. Difficult isn't it? and I know one person's solution won't be another's butit is helpful to have others thoughts on it all.

Please note that I said 'some' parents and not 'your' parents - I was talking generally and wasn't attacking your family set up or behaviour.

I know Mooey - I didn't take it personally at all, so please don't worry, just trying to explain it a bit better without all the gorey details. Familes are all so full of intricacies and they all work slightly differently. In many ways I am grateful that they care enough about me to want to be there - some threads have people so unhappy that parents aren't interested in their wedding so i am lucky in that respect.

I thought of suggesting that both parents walk you down the aisle, but then I realised... When you get to the top of the aisle you should be stood next to your H2B, but if a parent is on your arm it wouldn't happen.

What might work is that once you are a metre behind your H2B, both your parents leave your side and let you take the last step yourself!?

Hope that helps!

That's such a sweet thought, Jon

Im an older bride and my dad died a few years ago im also a widow with 2 adult sons so im going down on my own as im not choosing between them and not sure if 3 can fit down together,also i have my bridesmaids so not really alone

Do you have a brother who could give you away? Other option could be to walk down alone and for your parents to be waiting for you at the end of the aisle with htb ready to take your hand and give it to him.... It's such a hard situation lovely and I don't envy you one bit but I do wish you luck and love x

Thanks Ladies (and Jon!) I appreciate all your ideas and thoughts. On sunday we going to a service at the church so I can see what width the aisle is and take it from there.

Seren - I have two borthers so wouldn't be able to choose between them either!!

Hi raincloud,

My name is Lynn Enright and I'm writing an article on the subject of drawing up a guest list and the family politics that come in to play when planning a wedding. I'd love to hear from you as your story is similar to what a lot of others go through. You can email me on ***********@*******.***.

Looking forward t hearing from you.

Thanks,

Lynn

We went to a wedding in 2009 and the bride wanted to include her father and her stepfather as she had an amazing relationship with them both. She decided to have her stepfather accompany her in the car on the way to the venue, before handing her over to her father at the church entrance to walk her down the aisle. I thought this was lovely as it allowed them both to play a special part in the big day. Could this be a possibility for you ie. Mum travel with you and Dad walk you down the aisle? x

I have photographed a wedding where the bride was given away by her two brothers, as her father had recently passed away. There was nothing amiss about it. It was lovely, actually. One brother on each side, arm in arm.

If you have siblings, this could be a good way to do it without being seen to *take sides*.

Andrea de Gabriel

Just a quick note to thank people again for their thoughts on this. The aisle is big enough for three of us and both my mum and dad have said they would love to give me away so fingers crossed it will all go well on the day. I think we will do what Jon suggested as that sounds lovely but also practical. Thanks again to you all.