Unnecessary pressure (rant with me!)

Hi

I'm so sorry to hear about the nightmare you're having with family.

Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people unfortunately.

I decided when myself and my partner started planning our wedding, that it would be OUR day! Stuff what anyone else thinks. His parents have offered to help pay for the wedding and we have respectfully declined. I always think that if they pay, they have a say.

I know it can be difficult but you need to forget about everything people say. If the bridesmaids don't like the dresses, tell them to just be a guest and wear what they want. Choose the food you want, you're paying for it! And definitely wear a dress that makes you feel at your best.

You and your lovely hubby are the ones who have to look back at the photos for the next however many years, dont have any regrets!

Be selfish and have the day you both want and deserve!

Good luck! x

Thank you so much for your lovely reply.

Yes, weddings and babies are supposed to be the happiest time of your life and for some reason, they both bring out the worst in people lol.

I wish we could decline financial help but they won't take no for an answer because they paid for their other children's catering. My H2B is very close to his parents so I'm kind of treading on eggshells to not upset them or my H2B.

It just drives me nuts because I am so relaxed about things my biggest priority is marrying the love of my life and everything else is just a bonus but everyone else is going crazy hahah that's supposed to be my job!

Like you said it's our wedding and we need to be a bit more selfish.

xx

Sounds like a nightmare! Stop talking to them about your wedding plans! Just say "it's a surprise!"

As the BM's can't decide on a dress why not let them buy their own dresses? Issue a colour palette for them to choose from, eg blush pinks through to gold or whatever matches your theme.

Eugh, i totally get this! me and hubby (to be) only ever wanted a small get together. infact, we didn't want that, we just want to be married. we felt pressured into having to invites parents and close friends so we decided to get married and have a meal. Well as soon as you start telling people its a whole new ball game. suddenly people were planning my hen party (my worse nightmare, defo don't want one) when i expressed i didn't want one i was told i would enjoy it.

Next thing i'm being asked about dresses (i'm just going to buy something from the shop that I can wear again) I never spend alot of money on clothes and I cant justify spending a whole lot of money on a 1 day dress. before I know it i'm looking at online dress' and speaking with dressmakers.

Then we have a whole ordeal about the bridesmaid dresses. I know the 2 bridesmaid's are totally different and aren't going to like the same thing but here we are apparently needing endless hours of shopping and trying on dress's.

Next thing we need a photographer and are looking at all these photographers that all cost a fortune for what will ultumatly be 1 photo in a frame and a never looked at again usb of 900 photos for a small fortune.

Oh and before I knew it suddenly a party was following the meal.

"What about flowers?" Flowers.... I never spend money on flowers, why would I have then at the wedding? For what purpose?

Then the final straw came with "What about wedding favours?" Wedding favours?... "yh you put sugared almonds in a basket for the guest" ..... Well this was when I realised the whole thing was way beyond what we ever wanted and suddenly we where having a wedding and not just getting married as planned.

I took a huge step back, breathed relief I hadn't booked any of the things I had been looking into and we decided...

we will get married, I will wear something nice from the shop, I've told the bridesmaid to wear whatever they are comfortable in.then we will have a meal with the nearest and dearest and that will be it. Thats all we want to be married. We have stopped telling people. When someone ask me anything wedding related I just say i'm busy with other things at the moment. They know the date, they'll know the time. I don't need any other input before the day so i'm just not giving the people the chance to have it.

Don't lose track of what is important. When I speak to my mum about her wedding she can describe it in such detail to me and the only part she talks about is walking down the aisle to my dad. No photos, no party, no fancy dress, no sugared almonds... she remembers the important part and that's what made me realise I needed to strip it all back to bare minimum.

stay strong. Remember what you want and do it your way. Don't have any regrets.

My mom has told me 1000 times or more that my wedding would have been so much easier if I didn't insist on weird stuff, it's also not about me and HTB it's about my family. Lol.

You need to put your foot down. Otherwise you will end up having a day that pleases everyone but you and your partner.

"Thankyou for your suggestion, we'll bear it in mind" has come in handy so much throughout my wedding planning. It shows whoever is giving you their opinion that you've heard them, but may not necessarily implement their idea. Or if people aren't getting the message then: "That isnt what I want" always comes in handy. I say this as a super-passive person myself - the whole wedding planning experience has been a massive lesson in standing my ground. It hasnt been easy but it IS necessary.

Is it too late to salvage some of the planning so that the wedding is still what you want it to be? 8 bridesmaids sounds a little excessive to me, especially as you want your day to be fairly low key. Would they still be happy for their daughters to be in the wedding if they were to foot the cost for their dresses, accessories, shoes, hair and makeup? It may be worth suggesting that and seeing what they say!

Oh, dude. Preach!

My H2B reacts to his mum quicker than Jesus some days. We were originally going to take his kids, go to the registry office (not an easy task when you're an American marrying a Brit, lol), sign on the dotted line, and then plan a ceremony/wedding (SMALL) for sometime next year.

Well, that went flying out the window after we got engaged and were Skyping with his parents. They asked the plan, I said we were just going to do a registry office at first and go with the kids. His mum pulled a face and a long drawn 'oh'. The next words out of his freaking mouth were, 'You're welcome to come if you'd like.' To say I'm proud of myself for not immediately reacting outside of squeezing his hand, is an understatement, lol. They then tried to invite people to our registry office nuptials (we really don't see this as our 'wedding', it's more the formalities): thankfully, H2B said no to that. His siblings don't seem to understand it either, but I'm like WTF ever. Just deal, lol.

So yeah, that threw a kink into what I wanted, and what we had discussed. Then my dad throws another one in by asking to escort me down an aisle. Thank goodness my parents know me well enough to know that the aisle could easily be an unmarked mountain path, lol. But, still. Dad never asks for anything so here I am looking for freaking venues, dresses, accommodation, food, etc. instead of finding a pretty place on a hill or cliff, or in a forest to just share our vows in front of the kids, our parents and our siblings with a dinner at a pub and a wee local band.

H2B isn't making things any easier because he keeps saying I'm changing my mind but he's not telling me what he wants. He's said we should elope, I threw the Faroe Islands out as an option and then he starts lobbing out all the reasons we shouldn't... like, dude! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!?

I won't even start on the invitation list... this whole inviting a bunch of family members I've never met and he hasn't seen in years thing ... I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing, because honestly, if I don't see you and I don't spend time with you, you're not getting invited, lol.

I'm going to try to get him to take a step back to our original conversation about marriage and knock this thing back down a few pegs. Maybe you can do the same?

Just say ‘That’s an idea, we’ll think about it’ whenever anyone reccomends or requests anything and then ignore whatever it is they have suggested. My parents were disappointed that we aren’t having a sit down meal. My sister was disappointed that we are having fake flowers. My future MIL was very annoyed that we aren’t having a wedding car (the venue is 2 minutes away). Simply put if they don’t want to pay for these items and we can’t afford/don’t see the point in them, then the recommendations are ignored. I only wanted a small simple wedding, and to an extent it still is.

Just do do whatever makes you and your fiancé happy. It is your day not anyone else’s. It is difficult to ignore everyones opinion but it gets easier. Oh and only have bridesmaids that will be there for the duration of your marriage and will be there when you need them. I read somewhere that you should only have people in the wedding party that will be there for the marriage. Not due to obligation or pressure.

I do feel your pain though. I have constantly felt like I’m being judged since the planning began!

Oh my goodness, I would be so so angry! Literally, tell them straight. Let your inner bridezilla out! Embrace her!

You and your fiance need to do what you want and thats the end of it. If people challenge you, just say "Oh I'm sorry, are you the bride?" and they'll soon shut their mouths. It sounds harsh, but this is a wedding your planning and its planned with the view of it being your only one, so it has to be what YOU want.

I can't believe people are acting like things aren't good enough. How rude! Just book things without telling anyone, just your fiance. Then you won't have people interfering.

Hope everything turns out how you want x

My mum changes the subject when i try to discuss anything wedding related with her ?, my dad hasn't asked once and actually the person I thought would be the worst (MIL2B) has actually been the most supportive! You can't win!!!

Why does, what is supposed to be the happiest day of YOUR life, turn into you sacrificing to please every body else! Everyone has an opinion about everything/doesn't agree with what you're doing/wants you to do something you don't want. I also wish i was ballsy enough to tell people to *ahem* go away! We are quite lucky as we live a few hours away from our family so we can keep a lot of it quite secret, I think my answer to all questions/demands from people will be along the lines of 'haha yeah we don't know yet' and run away!!

Hope you manage to restore some order - I would also recommend a bridezilla moment - go crazy and scare them all off hahaha.

XXX