unrealistic H2B!! grrrr

Hi

First timeI've posted on here but i'll try to help.

I'm also a student and so is my h2b. We are in our 2nd year and will be getting married just after we finished our course (June 2013). The idea for this is that we can afford to do it now and did not want the uncertainty of not getting a job straight away. We both have part time jobs and my parents are also helping us out.

In relation to your guestlist question I understand how much extra it will cost to have everyone there. However, it is your h2b wedding as well and are these people important to him. If so you may have to work something out to have everyone there. If not maybe to could show him what saving that money could do.

Me and my h2b currently rent a flat next to the uni and we love loving together. I know that renting is a waste of money but to me its worth it. We obviously can't afford a mortgage yet but I am more than happy to spend money renting in order to be with him. Is it important to you to have the money for the mortgage straight away or can you wait, how much does this wedding mean to you and is it worth spending the extra money?

Hope this helps

Were very much like you.

both on low wages , was saving for a house deposit. realised that we had no chance of getting a morgage even with a deposit. started renting a house. decided to get married using the money for the house deposit. well not all of it . about £5000.

we are having about 60 to the day/meal only 2 of them are friends, rest are family.

and then intotal about 140 for the evening.

there is no way we could justify everyone having a meal . therfore family only (close family) 2 friends are MOH and her OH.

maybe you should look into how realistic it is you getting a house.. how much you will need minimum for a deposit and what the morgage people would lend you .

we are still saving for a house but at least we now have a reasonably strict budget

O and a few friends are coming watching us get married just not having the meal .

Thanks!

thats the main 'what if' is whether i get a job and whether it is a decent job where i can save save save!!

guestlist wise, i know that it is his wedding and would never say he couldn't have people end of, i'm just trying to suggest other options and he has none of it! i'm thinking maybe we should look at something more informal in order to include everyone but i just don't want to compromise on the day as a whole just because we wanted a few extras there (e.g i still want to hold the wedding at a nice hotel/venue, i don't want it to be a really informal do)

We do want to live together asap but the way we see it, the money we will spend on renting (around £500per month plus bills) we could have saved at least £6000 a year!! which to me is ridiculous!! so we'd rather put up with our parents for a bit longer...we may look into renting nearer the time depending on where we stand with our saving but it justs might not be possible unless we want to postpone the wedding or the house and we want the house bought and the wedding done by the end of 2014!!

the wedding means a lot to me but i think we can have a fab wedding on 8grand rather than 10-12 grand!!

thanks for the help!! x

Umm tough one, I have cut our list down slightly as with just family and few friends we are still only down to 70! My h2b keeps saying I wish you wouldn't worry about money but things are saving very quick,y and time gets nearer. We are also looking to move from rented and finally look at buying. I had a wobble today thinking that we maybe should just re-think and have a small wedding and save the money towards a house as the main thing is us getting married and being one, but I would miss the big day as you only plan to do it once. Just worries me that we have chose one of the dearer venues we looked at when we could have saved that money towards the house and mortgage!! Xx

If i was in ur shoes i'd use the £8000 from parents towards a deposit for a house and get married when I had saved up.

We were meant to get married in 2008 but put it off and put the money we had saved towards a house instead, and getting married this year instead.

My priorities were never a big fancy wedding tho.

I would also use the money off your parents for a house and wait till you have enough money to get married.

We have had to cut our guest list to 65 as that is all we can afford to invite to the ceremony and then 120 for evening. x

Totally understand people saying use the money from parents for a house but i think they are only being that generous as they don't want us to spend our own money on a wedding, they want us to save for the house and they are not just 'giving' us the money for whatever we pick but specifically for the wedding...we both have siblings saving for houses that aren't getting married so just giving us the money for a house would be unfair to them...

in regards to doing the wedding sooner or buying the house sooner, we realise that the cost is not only the house but all the bits and bobs to put in it and so we were hoping to go down the more traditional route of 'wedding gift list' and using this home gifts to kit out our new home together...this will save us money on buying cheap stuff to get us by and also a lot of our family have told us they would like to contribute to our home rather than just give money etc so it would be a win win situation.

in an ideal world...the wedding would be paid for by our parents...we would save for a house and be in a position to buy either just before the wedding or immediatly after...for wedding gifts have a gift list to kit out our new 'blank canvas' house and move in after the wedding.......obviously i'm not stupid and this is very unlikely to fall into place haha but i can dream!!

x

In answer to your questions:

I'm not saving for a house, as my H2B owns the house we live in, but I would have to say that if you budget very very wisely you should be able to save quite a bit in 2 years. Enough for a modest wedding for sure, but probably not enough for a house downpayment (though that depends on where you are and what size of place you want).

Yes, I cut all my friends. H2B hasn't. IMHO weddings are about family more than friends. Unless they're your really close friends. Invite all the friends to the evening- it's the fun part, anyway!

Ask him why it's so important to him to have everyone at the ceremony itself and the wedding breakfast. Think about it: you don't get to really talk to everyone very much at that point, and it's basically just everyone sitting down for a meal. Have him draw up a budget in which they can all come to the wedding breakfast. Let him try to make it work. If he can't, then maybe think about using a different caterer who will charge less. Maybe opt out of a starter or dessert? If you can save on things and be able to afford to let him friends come, you'll both be happier. I'm sure there are things you're not willing to budge on, either!

And finally, I'm not sure what the normal time for evening guests to arrive is. I only have experience going to American and Canadian weddings in which there's no separate guest list for day and evening, as most weddings have started at 6 or 7 pm anyways. I'm planning to have my evening guests arrive for 7 or 7:30, have a champagne reception in the gardens if the weather permits, then have the music and dancing start inside around 8 to 8:30!

I'm having trouble with guest list, too, but my fiance is pretty understanding. It helps that all the venues I like have very limited capacity for the ceremony and wedding breakfast. That being said, the only friends I'm inviting for those part of the day are my 2 bridesmaids! Even so, my side of the guest list comes to 46 people, and my dream venue will only seat 64 for the ceremony and wedding breakfast! I know a dozen from my side will probably not make it as they're all in north america, though. My H2B's family is much smaller than mine, but as he's lived in England almost his whole life (I only moved here 18 months ago), he has a lot more friends here he feels he needs to invite- work mentor, school friends (all of whom are married and have children, who we have to invite as well!), etc. I don't know if we'll be able to pare it down to 64, but maybe if we're close enough the venue will let it slide. We'll be having a lot of kids at the wedding, and they totally take up less space!

If you aren't getting married for another 2 and a half years then why the rush to put a deposit down on a venue?

You could maybe wait 6 months or a year when you'll hopefully have a decent job and re-assess then?

I hate to say this but a lot of people you are friends with now you might not really see so much in 2 years time. After I left uni two years ago I lost touch with a lot of people as they moved away for jobs etc. I'd still like to invite a lot of them for my evening reception but I can't justify the cost of a full day invite for people I only speak to once in a blue moon.

I agree 2 years is along time . we only started planning our with 11 months to the date.

also have you seen a morgage adviser yet? as that is what made us think about wedding more. even with £10,000 deposit which we had already saved, they wouldnt lend us enough for what we wanted (because of salarys) and im not talking alot really

We decided to greet our house sorted before wedding. And not expecting any handouts from parents we set the budget at £8k. For that we can get a very nice church wedding and posh reception for 60-80 people. I dont need anything else.

House and living together is much more important than a big wedding and a marriage can be dione for next to nothing.

You won't want I be married and still 'sleeping over' at the parents house

no not yet, didn't think we should until we have majority saved and also with my job situation...i've heard a few people say this now which is worrying me maybe it's not going to be as easy as we think to get a mortgage!! maybe we should wait a bit longer until we put a deposit down...we are having a summer saturday wedding so on other peoples advice been told we need to book at least 18months in advance but maybe thats not the case?? it's a lot to think about!! thanks for all the advice!!

lotto win please? x

To be honest, I think that buying a house and doing a wedding on the scale that you/your OH are imagining within 2 1/2 years, when you're still at university and don't have a job lined up, probably is unrealistic unless you're planning on starting at Goldman Sachs or something. Obviously house prices (and salaries to a lesser extent) vary hugely within the country, but on a standard starting graduate salary you may well struggle to get a mortgage unless you have a very large (i.e. >30%) deposit.

Renting may seem like money down the drain to you, but it's something that more and more people are doing nowadays, especially in places like London, because they can't get that foot on the ladder. In other countries e.g. Germany, renting for long periods is much more normal than it is over here. You are lucky that you have the option of living with your parents, which will allow you to save up quicker, but as someone else has already said, you don't really want to be doing that after you're married!

I think you need to decide what your priorities are - is it being married, having the perfect wedding, owning your own place, moving in together or a combination of these? Does your OH actually understand how much it will cost to have the people he wants there, and the knock-on effect that will have on your house-buying plans? Personally, I would graciously accept your parental offer and have the best wedding you can on that budget (you should be able to do a lot if you budget well), then rent a place with your OH until you can afford to buy. But neither of our parents live near enough for us to consider living with them, and nor would we particularly want to, so your opinion may of course be different.

Thanks Helenia, i know i don't think it's realistic either hence my post!! we definatly don't want to be living with parents when we are married and would of course rent in this situation but was hoping we would have enough for the deposit!! H2B is already in a good job so i just need to get a full time (decent) job now! i think my OH is living in cloud cuckoo land sometimes but i think he will realise the more we save!!

I think that we can have a lovely wedding on £8k...we want to be married by the end of 2014 (we will have been together nearly 8 years!!!) and if we want a house as well it can't all happen!!! from what other people have said about struggling to get mortgages etc maybe we will have to look into renting for a bit!!

x

OK, a few thoughts.

First, has anyone saved for a house and wedding in 2yrs? Yes, we have. BUT a) we're older and b) we both owned houses before, so we "only" had to find about £30k for additional house deposit (equity from sale of H2b's house wasn't enough) and wedding together. Plus we both work full time.

Secondly, I'd echo what people say about seeing a mortgage advisor first. We were rather shocked that even though our joint gross income is over £80k (I can say that because I'm anonymous and it's relevant, I do not usually discuss finances!) the most they would lend was £187k when we bought our first joint house last year (we borrowed less but had thought we'd be offered more). The days of high salary multiple mortgages, or self-cert, are gone, I'm afraid. We were also quizzed about our job security and employment history.

Finally, I have been a guest at a wedding where I was invited to the church and then later to the evening reception, thus saving the bride and groom catering costs for the sit down meal. I think they had a lot pf people at the church, 40-50 for the wedding breakfast, then all the church invitees plus extras to the evening. It works if you have a church or registry office wedding, you can say ceremony @ 2pm followed by evening reception @ 6pm and guests will know to amuse themselves. If you have the whole thing at one venue, I think this would be impossible / rude. By avoiding a fancy location you can have the ceremony, traditional meal with limited guests and evening do for all and it should work out good value

WSS

i certainly wouldnt want to be living seperately from my husband. its very kind of your parents to pay for your wedding and i can see where you are coming from regards to that they wouldnt like you to put that money towards a deposit when you have siblings.

i personally would rent together. Once the wedding is paid for and done with then you will be earning, you will have proved to the bank/mortgage people that you can pay rent sensibly & build up your credit file that way. you may struggle to get a mortgage striaght away depending on your credit file/being a student.from this point you can then pool your money & start svaing. it will be hard & you'll have to budget wisely (check out moneysaving expert for amazing help (and more forumness))

x

EXACTLY this!

Hiya,

I am/was in the same position. I got engaged in Oct in my final year of uni whilst my h2b was working. We worked hard (I practically worked full time) and have saved for both wedding and house deposit. IT CAN BE DONE! but it is hard work. We had 18 months to do it in and did have some savings behind us. However coming from big families we knew we wouldnt get any help financially so we just got on with it!

In terms of wedding guest list I also had the same dilemma. We compromised that our family would always be our family and so had to come to the wedding (immediate family aunties, uncles and first cousins takes us up to 80!) And friends who may come and go are coming to the night do. They all understand as we just said its just not possible for us. Plus you are limiting the venues if you invite so many.

There are loads of money saving tips you can get on here, and be cheecky with suppliers to get you want with a discount.

Good luck!!

Thanks ladies!! good to hear from some people in the same position...

i have been thinking about what everyone has said and there are a few things i KNOW for sure and they are that even if i got an amazing job and had our wedding in 10 years time (when we would have a lot more money) i still wouldn't want to spend more than 10 grand (thats 8k off parents and 2k from us!) so from that point of view i really want to be married by the end of 2014 as waiting isn't going to give us any more money!! (because i wouldn't want to spend it if i had it if that makes sense!)

i have realised from what people have said that it isn't just a case of the deposit for a house (which i think we could save) but also the mortgage...i naively presumed it wouldn't be as difficult as it sounds as long as you have a decent deposit, this doesn't seem to be the case...and so maybe staying with parents to save for a bit but then renting might be the only way until we can get a decent mortgage...

i KNOW that i want to live with H2B before the wedding if poss and 100% after the wedding and if this means renting then thats fine (just don't want to rent for 2/3 years but a year or so is fine!)

therefore i think we will continue to look for cheaper options and at different venues to try and bring the wedding in under the 8k if poss, i showed H2B a guestlist with just family, close family friends and about 2/3 of our closest friends and that came to 76 day guests and he said although he wanted to hate it, he could kind of see how that would work better for us now so YAY on that front!

we will save save save as much as possible (especially when we are living with our parents which we will do for a while) and then if we have to rent we have to rent....we can save the last bit and as someone said hopfully be able to build up a good credit rating etc and then be able to get the mortgage for a house...i kinda knew we were being unrealistic but i've had some great advice off people who have clearly been through similar things!!

so Thank You x

Glad you feel abit better now and that your OH is listening to you lol

trsut me, we were very much like you. didnt want to rent etc.. we have been for a yr now and its soooo much better than living with parents

still saving for a house though

I agree with everyone else on the 'renting' front. I would far prefer to be married to my gorgeous man than have a mortgage. But then again it's easy for me to say as I am not in your position...

On the wedding front, when OH and I started planning (2009) we disagreed over the guest list enormously. He wanted all of his extended family and I watched in horror as our guest list (written by his sister) topped 140 just for his family...when I factored mine into the equation we were looking at 170 (I am from a much smaller family!). What was interesting though was that whilst he was adamant he 'needed' these folks to his wedding he couldn't actually remember if he had met most of them. However he dug his heels in for nearly a year, even when I put costs in front of him he wasn't swaying.

What eventually changed his mind was a question he casually put to me - what did I think was important about getting married....the guestlist or the cost? I responded 'my vows'. Simply put he agreed and we reduced our guestlist to 40 so that we could marry in 2011 (which we did, yey!).

Hopefully your H2B will come around, it took mine a year so give it time!!!

Another option for you though in case he doesn't change his mind is to do away with extra guests at an 'evening reception'. Get married as late on as feasible, have your wedding breakfast around 6pm and party straight after without the need for an eve buffet. Maybe put a cheese platter out along with your cake at 10ish?

Good luck xxx

Glad he's starting to come round and I'm sure you'll figure out what's best for you both.

I can totally sympathise though. I always thought when I finished uni I'd get a job, buy a house and get married but I graduated in 2008 when all the jobs and easy mortgages disappeared. Around that time my OH decided he wanted to go to uni so he could get a better job and I've ended up doing a PhD. We saved for over a year living with our parents but was getting too difficult as he works night shift at weekends so we hardly ever saw each other. We're renting a tiny flat now and although it feels like a waste of money we're still pretty good at saving for our wedding and we get to see each other more often.